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My son lied about eating his lunch


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LSers, I need your help please.

 

This morning I found out that my six year old lied about eating his lunch we pack for him. I spoke to one of the care takers at the school and he caught my son dumping his sandwich in the trash. This incident occured last week.

 

We ask him everyday if he ate his lunch and he says "yes". Obviously he is lying.

 

I have no idea how many times he has done this. Once, twice, 10 times ? I feel hurt that he is lying but don't want to explode.

 

He is a great kid. We talked to him in the past that lying is wrong. He knows.

 

Here is my take.....I kneel down in front of him, maintain eye contact and then say....

 

"<my son's name>, I found out from <the person who told me about this> that you lied to me about your eating your lunch. Instead you threw it in the trast. I am very hurt by what you did and that you lied to me. As a consequence, you will not be allowed to play wii or watch TV for the next 3 days".

 

Suggestions for changes/add/delete ?

 

Thanks.

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Parent of four kids. And yes, they have brought there lunch home uneaten...or parts of it. And yes, I have gotten mad that they didn't eat it. (Actually, worried that they were starving all day, which is weird because if they were then any food would have tasted good :laugh: ).

 

First, WHY does he feel he needs to lie and dump his food? Mine bring it home, and now I try to never get mad when they do. Usually it is part of the main course, or maybe the apple for one, or the cookies for the other. Most of the time it is because they didn't "have time." This means they wanted to get outdoors, or they were less hungry because of stress of a test...or who knows why.

 

Second, usually I would say punish a lie, but in this case, why? Getting to the bottom of why he dumps his food instead of bringing it home and saying why he did not get time to eat something or did not like something is more appropriate for long term behavior change. Punishing the lie will simply change how he dumps his food. Will it get him to eat his food? Doubt it.

 

Third, if it is too much food, then give him less.

If it were my kid (and it has been), then I would try to get an answer as to why the need to lie, and why he wants to dump his food. Then I would say that if he cannot eat everything, then bring it home. While I am not saying his lunch should be as he wants it, having him help pack the lunch does help. My kids actually prefer fruits and chips over cookies quite often. And the main course is usually leftovers from the previous nights meal.

 

IMO punishing the lie in this situation will not solve the problem. It may get him to quit lying about eating the food, but again, it may not. However, in this case, I think a resolution regarding not finishing his lunch is what is needed.

 

I do know that my kids will give away food once in awhile and probably trade for something else. My opinion is that as long as they eat and are healthy...and don't eat just junk food, then I am fine with it. Putting them in a position that makes lying preferable to bringing food home means another problem exists.

 

Just mu 2c.

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LSers, I need your help please.

 

This morning I found out that my six year old lied about eating his lunch we pack for him. I spoke to one of the care takers at the school and he caught my son dumping his sandwich in the trash. This incident occured last week.

 

We ask him everyday if he ate his lunch and he says "yes". Obviously he is lying.

 

I have no idea how many times he has done this. Once, twice, 10 times ? I feel hurt that he is lying but don't want to explode.

 

He is a great kid. We talked to him in the past that lying is wrong. He knows.

 

Here is my take.....I kneel down in front of him, maintain eye contact and then say....

 

"<my son's name>, I found out from <the person who told me about this> that you lied to me about your eating your lunch. Instead you threw it in the trast. I am very hurt by what you did and that you lied to me. As a consequence, you will not be allowed to play wii or watch TV for the next 3 days".

 

Suggestions for changes/add/delete ?

 

Thanks.

 

I think that before you give the consequences find out why he is not eating his lunch. Maybe figure out what is going on there first. He may have felt ill. He may be embarrassed by something you are putting in it. He may have the beginnings of an eating disorder...who knows? One thing is sure...he probably lied because he did not want to disappoint you. So before addressing the lying ask why he did not eat his lunch.

After you work through that issue then you can address the lying.

 

Depending on why he didn't eat his lunch he should still receive consequences for lying.

 

Let us know how it goes.

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Suggestions for changes/add/delete ?

Thanks.

 

I would never talk like that to my son.

 

That is very accusatory and self-righteous.

 

I'd tell him, the teacher said you threw away the sandwich... what was that about?

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IfWishesWereHorses

I agree that the issue should be why he's not eating his lunch. My kids have never lied about it, but have never had to. They also usually brought home what they didn't eat, which meant I had to toss it.

 

Eating the same sandwich every day gets old, or the same anything for that matter. I'm lucky that my son loves the hot lunches at the school, but we didn't have that option in elementary school. Work with him, lunch doesn't have to be a sandwich. Yogurt, cheese, fruit, veggies and dip, chicken nuggets (which aren't bad room temp) pb with crackers or apples. My kids have never liked sandwiches even at home or during the summer.

 

I'ld let the lying pass on this one, he probably DID eat some of his lunch. Just find out what sounds good to him and vary it from day to day.

 

My oldest was on medication that caused her not to be hungry at lunch. It drove the lunch worker (who was a friend of mine) crazy. She had a good breakfast, and usually a hearty snack when she got home and a good dinner. I had to constantly tell them that it was OK if she didn't eat her lunch, not to hound her. She was also more interested in socializing than eating at that time! They WILL eat when they get hungry... I don't force the food issue.

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Kids. You know ...they are like little criminals until we teach them differently. Remember The biting stage - assault. Not sharing ? Theft. Now the lies. I dont have any homework, I ate my lunch, he started it.

 

The behaviors themselves can be addressed without too much trouble (for most kids). But the moral issues of hurting others, stealing, and lies ..the things that can go unseen...have to be addressed differently.

 

I told my daughter first and foremost: I am your mother. It is my job to take care of you, teach you, & protect you always whether you are right or wrong. If you lie to me I cannot do any of that. I am your mother. I am the person you never lie to because I'm the person that always cares for you no matter what you have done. Its my job to help you figure stuff out without lying.

 

She is almost 14 now. So far so good and boy! have we figured out some tough and surprising "stuff" - together. Sometimes I have to swallow my anger & appreciate her honesty so I can help her move forward the right way.

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I agree with the others – there's a time and a place for punishing a lie, but I don't think this is one of them. Instead, find out why he's dumping the food: Is he not hungry? Is it upsetting his stomach? Is it too much packed for that day? has he figured out that he has more time at recess if he jettisons lunch?

 

I think once you find that out, you'll both figure out a way to correct the behavior. It'll make much more of an impression on him for you to say, "Honey, it's okay to bring your food home if you can't eat it all – I'd rather you do that, or have you share what you don't eat than hear that you've thrown away food."

 

don't use the guilt card unless absolutely positively necessary ("there are children in China who are starving, and you threw it away?!" was a favorite of my parent, LOL) ... helping him find a suitable solution is what you want to do.

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Btw, if the child lied was for one reason:

 

1) He didn't like the sandwich and was afraid of the consequences of not eating it.

 

To punish him for that (or any other reason) is just cruel.

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you might also think of different healthy "treats" to package as a meal – fresh vegetables or a salad, a serving of nuts or cheese – because kids seem to like the idea of non-traditional meals.

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First, WHY does he feel he needs to lie and dump his food?

 

Second, usually I would say punish a lie, but in this case, why? Getting to the bottom of why he dumps his food instead of bringing it home

 

interesting.... My guess is he does not like the food we pack. But you do bring up a good point. Get to the bottom of the issue first...

 

having him help pack the lunch does help. My kids actually prefer fruits and chips over cookies quite often.

 

Another good thought. Have him help us pack his lunch.

 

However, it does not change the fact that he lied. No message from us about what he did was wrong/not acceptable ?

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However, it does not change the fact that he lied. No message from us about what he did was wrong/not acceptable ?

 

The only message that he sent by his lying is that he is afraid of you.

 

If you take the measures you mentioned, you are going to make him even more afraid of you and more likely to lie to you the next time.

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IfWishesWereHorses

65t6,

 

I'm not sure that it is a complete bold face lie from a 6 year old. Surely, he ate some of his lunch. Lunch occurred. I'd work on modifying the behavior, bringing home what he doesn't eat and deciding what would be good. There will be plenty of instances to drive home the lying point, unfortunately. I would use this time to make the point that he can trust you with his feelings.

 

I punish for lying. I've got a thread a year ago on here where I lost it when I found out my 6th grader purposely hid a paper when I signed for the weeks tests. I just don't think that's what you're dealing with exactly. Just ask him to bring the food home that he doesn't eat so that the two of you can figure out what, and how much should be sent.

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The behaviors themselves can be addressed without too much trouble (for most kids). But the moral issues of hurting others, stealing, and lies ..the things that can go unseen...have to be addressed differently..

 

exactly...Ideally I would have wanted to see him bring his lunch back home and said "dad, i dont like the sandwich" or "dad, i dumped the sandwich in the trash can because i didnt like it".

 

Like I said, I dont know how long this has been going on. One day, two days...last two months ?

 

ok, punishment is a strong word to use in the case, I want him to know that it is ok for him not to like his sandwich but it is NOT ok to cover it up. Does that make sense ?

 

For folks who don't know me...I know this may not be relevant here but I am recovering from my wife's affair (happened over an year ago). I am still very sensitive to the issue of lying/deceit a bit. We both love our son. He left a wonderful note for me this morning on his own about something else. Just like that.

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The only message that he sent by his lying is that he is afraid of you.

 

If you take the measures you mentioned, you are going to make him even more afraid of you and more likely to lie to you the next time.

 

A child who will be honest about their actions is only part of the equation. You also want their actions to be of a good intent and productive.

No amount of honesty should make a parent okay with all actions out of a fear of not being able to be their kid's friend :rolleyes:. And some actions need a firmer hand than:

"well since you were honest about it we'll let this go"

 

Seeing as how the kid is only 6, the actions in question are not such a huge deal. He didn't seek to hurt anyone or even lie to a diabolic end.

Remember being 6? He probably just doesn't like what is in his lunch. I distinctly remember pimento loaf becoming an issue in first grade. I thought it looked pretty but it tasted awful. I didn't eat much that week......

 

I believe in not wasting food. That is why I ask about preferences and let my son choose his portion size.

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However, it does not change the fact that he lied. No message from us about what he did was wrong/not acceptable ?

 

Yes, of course. You should tell him that lying is unacceptable. I remember when one of mine came home with most of his lunch, and I was a bit mad. But I told him that it was better to bring it home than to lie and not bring it home.

 

I think the point is...don't focus on the lying as the only problem. Find out why he isn't eating his lunch.

 

All of our kids have complete input in what goes in their lunch, but they know that certain things need to be there. For example, it cannot be made up of all cookies. Also, some kids can eat more than others during the day. As parents, we forget that lunchtime is more about connecting with friends than eating food....which is why when they come home, they suddenly are "starving.:

 

You mentioned the affair and all (which I now remember reading). Could that play into the reason for lying? He may not want to get you mad?

 

As you find out why the lunch is not eaten, you can reiterate that lying is unacceptable and bringing it home is better. Even if he wants to give something away...this beats lying.

 

I can say that at least once or twice a week something comes home from the lunches. For 90% of the time, it is that the kid did not have time to eat everything...at least in his or her mind.

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I would use this time to make the point that he can trust you with his feelings.

 

nice.

 

I agree. This is not a bold face lie. He is just six years old for crying out loud. I get it. That's why i posted here. They say it takes a village to raise a child. That was then, now it takes a website like LS to raise one. lol.

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interesting.... My guess is he does not like the food we pack. But you do bring up a good point. Get to the bottom of the issue first...

 

 

 

Another good thought. Have him help us pack his lunch.

 

However, it does not change the fact that he lied. No message from us about what he did was wrong/not acceptable ?

 

To be honest, My 3rd grader can rarely remember what he had for lunch much less what he ate and what he threw away.

 

A lie is for a 6 year old something very different than for an adult. I would say throwing away his sandwich at lunch is not a punishable offense.

 

My small children also have breakfast at home, then breakfast at school [i did not know this for a long time, turns out their friends breakfast at school and they follow along often having 2 breakfast portions at school], they are snacked twice during the school day, and don't have a huge appetite at lunchtime.

I go have lunch with my children at school often and find that there is a monitor that pushes for "lunch rush" so that the next group of kids can have seats opened up for them, even I feel hurried through lunchtime there.

Many schools have also combined recess with lunchtime so once lunch is done that is the time you get for play with friends and outdoors. To be honest, I would probably rather play with my friends too.

 

Just get to the bottom of why he's not eating his lunch and see if it even should be rectified.

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65,

What you quoted as how you talk to your 6-year old is terrific...when he gets to about 16, or even 26. I think if you could maybe try to come down to his level, intellectually and emotionally, in addition to kneeling down in front of him so you can be on his physical level.

 

How much of the concept of "lying" does he even understand? And the more important question is why he isn't eating what you pack for him. Does he trash everything or specific foods? Maybe he just doesn't enjoy some of what you're sending to school with him? Or maybe he's heard of kids going into 'peanut allergy' reaction at school, and it freaked him out cos he doesn't understand how that all works? You punished him without asking him any of the most important questions.

 

The other thing you may want to consider is that you are making a 6-year old responsible for your feelings (of hurt, in this case.) That wouldn't be appropriate/self-responsible of you even if he was 36. You might want to express concern that he may not be taking in enough "energy" to grow and play; and ask him to help you plan and prepare nutritious lunches that he will enjoy.

 

TV shows like 'Super Nanny' and 'Nanny 911' are full of excellent tips for age-appropriate parenting; as well, maybe books on the subject?

 

Best of luck. I know it's not easy.

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One thing is sure...he probably lied because he did not want to disappoint you.

I think this is true, and and an important key to lying in children.

 

And the interesting thing, if you think about it: they learn it by watching us.

 

As adults, we naturally develop an ability to smooth and preserve relationships by distinguishing between the "important" lies and the unimportant ones - the so called "white lies" or even just twisting, distorting, or withholding the truth, that makes the world move along just a bit smoother for everyone. We do it because it preserves our relationships with each other, and we develop a sense of right and wrong that guides us in this subtle discrimination, but young kids don't have that ability to discriminate yet. So if it comes down to telling you a "little white lie" to preserve your feelings, to preserve their relationship with you, then they're just following the examples they internalize from all around them.

 

For folks who don't know me...I know this may not be relevant here but I am recovering from my wife's affair (happened over an year ago). I am still very sensitive to the issue of lying/deceit a bit.

Be sure that you interpret, and analyze, and understand the issue of his lying in the developmental context of a growing 6-year-old. It is appropriate to deal with it at that level, but don't project your pain from your marriage onto this situation, and subconsciously saddle him with the responsibililty and anxiety that goes with that very real, but very adult betrayal.

 

interesting.... My guess is he does not like the food we pack. But you do bring up a good point. Get to the bottom of the issue first...

 

Another good thought. Have him help us pack his lunch.

 

However, it does not change the fact that he lied. No message from us about what he did was wrong/not acceptable ?

I strongly encourage you to buy or borrow (check your library) a book called "Nurture Shock" by authors Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, (ISBN: 978-0-446-50412-6) and read Chapter 4: Why Kids Lie. This isn't just some author's opinions on the subject, but a review of the latest research and thinking of people in the field. You may or may not agree, but it gives a very interesting perspective.

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So now you have two questions.

 

1. Why are you not eating your lunch?

2. Why did you feel that you could not tell me?

 

The answers should lead to some good opportunities for growth.

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A lie is for a 6 year old something very different than for an adult. I would say throwing away his sandwich at lunch is not a punishable offense.

 

Clarification. I thought I had mentioned this earlier but may be not. I asked him everyday if he ate his lunch. And he said "yes", everyday so far in the last two months and on days he purchased lunch, I would still ask him the same question...He would purchase lunch about once a week and on other days we would pack him.

 

I agree that a lie for a 6 year old is very different than for an adult.

 

I also agree that throwing away his lunch in itself is not a punishable offense.

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You punished him without asking him any of the most important questions..

 

I have not spoken to him yet. It will be later this evening. My wife will be next to me or around when i do this.

 

The other thing you may want to consider is that you are making a 6-year old responsible for your feelings (of hurt, in this case.)

 

I totally understand what you are saying. No worries on that count. My personal bias/experience will not clout my "judgement"....

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Parent of four kids. And yes, they have brought there lunch home uneaten...or parts of it. And yes, I have gotten mad that they didn't eat it. (Actually, worried that they were starving all day, which is weird because if they were then any food would have tasted good :laugh: ).

 

First, WHY does he feel he needs to lie and dump his food? Mine bring it home, and now I try to never get mad when they do. Usually it is part of the main course, or maybe the apple for one, or the cookies for the other. Most of the time it is because they didn't "have time." This means they wanted to get outdoors, or they were less hungry because of stress of a test...or who knows why.

 

Second, usually I would say punish a lie, but in this case, why? Getting to the bottom of why he dumps his food instead of bringing it home and saying why he did not get time to eat something or did not like something is more appropriate for long term behavior change. Punishing the lie will simply change how he dumps his food. Will it get him to eat his food? Doubt it.

 

Third, if it is too much food, then give him less.

 

If it were my kid (and it has been), then I would try to get an answer as to why the need to lie, and why he wants to dump his food. Then I would say that if he cannot eat everything, then bring it home. While I am not saying his lunch should be as he wants it, having him help pack the lunch does help. My kids actually prefer fruits and chips over cookies quite often. And the main course is usually leftovers from the previous nights meal.

 

IMO punishing the lie in this situation will not solve the problem. It may get him to quit lying about eating the food, but again, it may not. However, in this case, I think a resolution regarding not finishing his lunch is what is needed.

 

I do know that my kids will give away food once in awhile and probably trade for something else. My opinion is that as long as they eat and are healthy...and don't eat just junk food, then I am fine with it. Putting them in a position that makes lying preferable to bringing food home means another problem exists.

 

Just mu 2c.

I 100% agree with this.

 

Also, don't mention who told you about it. Let him believe you have "parental magic". It will help keep him honest.

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Clarification. I thought I had mentioned this earlier but may be not. I asked him everyday if he ate his lunch. And he said "yes", everyday so far in the last two months and on days he purchased lunch, I would still ask him the same question...He would purchase lunch about once a week and on other days we would pack him.

 

I agree that a lie for a 6 year old is very different than for an adult.

 

I also agree that throwing away his lunch in itself is not a punishable offense.

 

not to get into semantics but if he ate any of his lunch. He wouldn't be lieing to you by answering yes. Is he throwing away his whole lunch? or just part of it.,

 

Because if he is throwing away just part of it he is truthfully answering your question.

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called "Nurture Shock" by authors Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, (ISBN: 978-0-446-50412-6) and read Chapter 4: Why Kids Lie. .

 

thanks Trimmer. I reserved the book at my local library.

 

When I grew up, I always wondered about lying. If it is ok to lie sometimes. It was almost like I was "confused" as to what is ok to lie about and what is not ok to lie about. I had a cousin of mine who I thought never lied and looked up to him as the role model.

 

I lied once when I was very young (about 8..i am not kidding about the age) and I got a friend of mine in big trouble. Few decades later, I still remember what I did. I had moved on since then but can never forget what i did.

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