Jump to content

Adult Children still at home....


Recommended Posts

Oh boy....where do I start????!!!

 

I have two adult children at home now. I have this feeling of ultimate failure as a parent.

 

My eldest, J who is 20 years old stayed hom after High School to take a year off then start college. No problem.....I agreed that if he stayed in school or planned to go back school, I'd fit the bill.

 

Took his year off, I helped him into a vehicle, got him a job, and a laptop to use for college. He went for a total of 4 months, and quit.

 

He's still at home....says that he wants to pay his debts off before he moves out, but hasn't made any effort to find a good job. He's had part time jobs during the summer, but after that all he does is play WOW online...we never see him unless he's going to the bathroom or getting something to eat, I've been making the truck payments and insurance payments since.

 

My second eldest, C is 18 works full time for my BBQ stand. He treats me in front of my employees with out right dis-respect, cuts me down, refuses to do what I ask him to do, not only at work, but at home as well....I feel partially to blame for my slip ups as his father in the past, but have cleaned my act up and turned a 180 more than a decade ago.

 

He's lost all respect for me, and doesn't treat any adult with any kind of respect what so ever.

 

Mrs. Moose doesn't feel like they are doing anything wrong, and she doesn't see why it's bother me so much. Until we had a blow out with C, and I was able to demonstrate to her how manipulative he can be.

 

The other night, it was so clear to her, that she even told C to pack up his stuff, and get out herself.....I was TOTALLY SHOCKED!!!!

 

Anyway, we get promises all the time that C will straighten up, and that J is looking for a better job.....a couple of days later, we're back to square 1.....

 

I've had it....I'm totally fried....burned up, and I feel I shouldn't take anymore of this abuse.

 

I feel like I should kick them out, out of love to show them JUST how good they have it now....sort of a reality check....

 

Does anyone else have adult children living at home without contributing to the greater good of the rest of the family?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Moose I don't have kids..... I am too smart for that. :p

 

Sit down with Mrs. Moose and come up with a plan to get the 20 year old out by his 21st B-day.

 

Fire the 18 year old from the BBQ..... wouldn't you fire any employee that acted in that manner?

 

Sell the truck. You can give the child 3 months of car payments and insurance...... if they do not take over by that time ..... sell it.

 

Time to stick a foot in the ass.

 

Approach them as "your mother and I have come to the conclusion that something must change here" give them the timeline and the consquences.

 

I would think 1 year would be enough to get an apt and pay off debt find a decent job.

 

Enabling them will not do them any favors in the long run.

BTW who is paying for the internet service and electricity to play WOW? Shut it off! Flip the breakers..... hell pull them out! Your house. Perhaps if he came out of his room he could find a job... hell replace the 18 yr old with the 20 yr old.

 

I understand the military is in need of young fellas.....

 

and if they are sitting on their duffs at home all day..... that lawn better be manicured.... the trash out ....... and your car washed and waxed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

When can you move in?.....(I'm almost serious here)

 

That may be the whole crux of the problem a4a.....I can lay down the law, it's the enforcement that's not happening.

 

I have a lot going on professionally that keeps me away from 7am to 9pm 6 days a week....

 

I'm afraid it's going to come down to the hard love on everyone involved and Dad here is just going to have to get ballistic on everyone and get the two out......

 

But how do I do this, live with myself, and not worry about Mrs. Moose feeling resentful towards me for kicking our boys out?

Link to post
Share on other sites
When can you move in?.....(I'm almost serious here) You move here..... warmer and more peaceful!

 

 

That may be the whole crux of the problem a4a.....I can lay down the law, it's the enforcement that's not happening. This is where the plan of action comes in. Timeline. By Dec 1 - C must have job..... (more than enough time) ------ no job -- bye bye.... schedule yourself off work for Dec 1 and be prepared to drive him out to a highway with his duffle bag. If he has job by then he must give you part of his paycheck in rent that will be returned to him upon leaving YOUR HOMEI have a lot going on professionally that keeps me away from 7am to 9pm 6 days a week....

 

I'm afraid it's going to come down to the hard love on everyone involved and Dad here is just going to have to get ballistic on everyone and get the two out...... No don't do that..... just cut back on financing their operation of no cooperation. you don't need cable - YOU are not home- YOU don't need treats and goodies and maids (adult kids can be the maids)

 

But how do I do this, live with myself, and not worry about Mrs. Moose feeling resentful towards me for kicking our boys out?

 

Momma Moose needs to realize how it will be being single parent cuz Daddy Moose is going to die of a stroke or shoot himself. And maybe you need to tell her clearly that you are feeling very resentful towards her right now.

The 20 year old needs to go..... no doubt. The 18 year old needs to quit being a snot and start making something of himself NOW! Enough!

 

Perhaps we can help eachother out here.... tell her you met someone else and if things don't get squared up.... Mr. Moose is heading to greener pastures! ....... maybe send Mrs. Moose my H in exchange. LMAO..... :p

 

You are going to have to show her that either she gets on board or she handle things her way...... and her way ALONE!

(that doesn't mean you have to divorce her/religious reasons.... you can just travel lots and lots more).

Link to post
Share on other sites

I also think you need to kill the WOW. It is just a waste of his time and sounds like it is holding him back.

 

Do not under estimate that C is watching how J is getting a free ride and will expect the same.

 

Maybe it would be helpful to sit down and set up a time line for J to get his act together. Try to get him to agree to certain goals with in a reasonable amount of time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Riley Freeman

i think you should kick both of them out

 

the only time its accecptable for a child over 18 to be at home is if they having hard times in life

 

if hes disrespting you kick his ass out...thats your house not his

and if the others online all day playing wow, kick his ass out also.....

 

these are grown men now, they cant follow your rules let em make a life for themselves

 

and if your wife has a problem with it, tough, she just have to be mad.........

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like C and J really need a lesson is respect and responsibility. Mother Moose really needs to see that. Perhaps you could start making them earn their keep? Good luck.

 

AP:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks a4a....I agree with you 110%.....I'm just not ready for all of the drama this will cause, yet....maybe after October, (the end of our 2nd quarter) I'll be over the stress here and ready to put the foot down with Mrs. Moose....

I also think you need to kill the WOW. It is just a waste of his time and sounds like it is holding him back.
You have an excellent point...but I really don't know what is so important about this game that he quits school, and prefers to sit in his room all day and night playing it, if you can explain that to me, it would be valuable information to the rest of us on how to best deal with the issue(s).
Do not under estimate that C is watching how J is getting a free ride and will expect the same.
Another good point.
Maybe it would be helpful to sit down and set up a time line for J to get his act together. Try to get him to agree to certain goals with in a reasonable amount of time.
I'm more than willing to give that a try. Just him, me, and the Mrs. talking it over like we did right after high school. There just has to be clear expectations from all parties that I won't be able to enforce this most of the day. It'll take personal responsiblity on J's part, and full cooperation from the Mrs. ......that's where I'm having the problem(s).

 

Things go so well for a short time, then we're back where we started....

Link to post
Share on other sites
i think you should kick both of them out

 

the only time its accecptable for a child over 18 to be at home is if they having hard times in life

 

I don't really agree with this statement. I think you have to have to look at each situation and determine if the kids are taking responsibility for themselves or just bumming off of you. My rules with my kids is pretty straight they get 4 years of college on me and then they are on their own.

 

My 26yo graduated got a job but is currently living at home. He pays me rent, he makes dinner a few times a week, helps with the household chores and watches my 15yo daughter. In this situation I have no problem with him living at home since I have the space and he helps me out (I'm divorced with custody of the 15yo)

 

Moose in your situation I think if the kids are pulling their weight and working toward trying to improve themselves are contributing to your household then it is acceptable to keep them at home. If they are lazy, disrespectful and not contributing then you need to wake them up and having to live on their own may be the only way to do this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

That may be the whole crux of the problem a4a.....I can lay down the law, it's the enforcement that's not happening.

 

I have a lot going on professionally that keeps me away from 7am to 9pm 6 days a week....

 

 

My boys are young yet, so I have not a lot of advice. And I have learned one thing....I had better not think that my boys will be any different. :D

 

I did notice two comments that struck me.

 

First, the enforcement is hard...which means Mrs. Moose is not a strong enforcer.

 

Second, you are gone a lot which is why your rules are not followed...because they are your rules. You pop into the family one day a week, and spend the time trying to enforce rules. Instead of this time being fun and enjoyable, you have to have talks with your boys. When you talk with your boys throughout the week, is the conversation friendly or authoritarian?

 

You son, C, is acting out against you as his boss IMO because he does not respect your authority...because he has not experienced your authority much as a father. If you have been gone most of his life, then he resents it that you come back to tell him what to do. In his opinion, you do not care for him...you care for your rules. In order for rules to be respected, the boy needs to know that they are done out of love and concern for him. This unfortunately, begins much earlier. Let bygones be bygones. This can be changed.

 

Remember, as Mark Twain said, "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." This is so true. I even remember feeling that way.

 

As a4a said, treat him as an employee if he is working for you. He should get no special favors. This is one reason why family working for family can be a bad thing. He must know that while on the job, he is an employee. If other employees see him getting away with such disrespect, then they lose respect also. Sometimes it is better if the son calls you what the other employees call you. Instead of Dad, he calls you Moose or Mr. Moose. This makes it clear that you are his boss not his father while on the job.

 

As for kicking children out at a certain age, I do not necessarily think this is always the answer. However, responsibility can be expected while at home. Rent and other bills can be paid if he wants to stay in the house. This requires some sort of system of accounting. If the one son likes WoW and the internet, then he needs to pay for his share of the internet. If he eats and sleeps at the house, then rent and food payments are expected. This doesn't need to be equivalent to an apartment, but it should not be ridiculously low. Say that the going rate for an apartment is $500 a single room. Then the home rate can be $300 dependent on income. So, if he makes $10 an hour, his rate would be higher than if he makes $8 an hour. As for food, normal meals would be "free" or included in the rent, but special items that he alone eats would be his to buy or pay for. Laundry is either done for him at a price or he can do it himself. Personally, IMO he should do it himself as a way to mature.

 

If a son does not have a job or does not have the motivation to get a job, then make a list of bills that are piling up. Certain necessities will always be there (don't tell HIM that), but luxuries will disappear. For instance, the internet use will be stopped as it would if he lived in an apartment. He is not paying the bill, and he cannot use it. If he wants to keep it up, then he needs to get a job. As for paying for his truck and insurance, this is also something that he needs to pay. Otherwise, the truck should be signed over to you, and you can dispose of it as you wish. For instance, if you are paying the bill and find it too much, then you can sell the truck and buy a cheaper and more affordable vehicle for him to drive. When he gets a job, then he can buy his own vehicle again.

 

And so it goes. If he is going to grow up, then he must learn at home that NILIF. This is a training tool in the dog world. It means that Nothing In Life Is Free. Dogs need to earn their food and treats as a way to realize that they are not the pack leader of the house. Sometimes kids need to learn the same thing. :D

 

The world is not as forgiving as our homes. If we do not prepare our boys for living on their own, then we have failed at our duties. As difficult as it is, we must prepare them before dumping them on the world.

 

I know none of this is easy to implement. As I read this, I can see my oldest son staying at home, too, because it is the easy way out. Although he is 12, I think he should be more responsible than he is. He has always been a little less willing to change and try new things...hence, we do not push him. I have noticed that it is not always that he cannot do something, it is simply that we do not expect him to do something.

 

One last thing...time with your boys is important. I know your job requires your time, but it is important to remember that in a couple of short years your job as father will be different. You still have some time to influence your boys, and every week that you spend away is one less that you will have with them at home. I have the extreme privilege of being with more boys quite a bit...as much as their mother or even more. This does not mean that it is always quality time. Since I have so much time, it is easy to say that I can (name the event, talk) with them tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes.

 

So...the important (and maybe the most difficult) things are get in complete agreement with your wife, and spend as much time with your boys as possible. If we as fathers simply come into our family a few hours a week and lay down the law, then our family has a tough time accepting this. They are not used to us being there, and they do not feel that the rules are for their best interest...because we have not shown all week that they are our priority.

 

I say this all with kindness and certainly not as if I know more. Whenever I see families with older children struggling, I take it as a warning and a lesson. I know that I so will be there, and my family may be worse.

 

Sometimes when our lives are overwhelmed with problems, all we see is the problems. Yet in reality, most of our lives is actually going quite well. So I am guessing here. A few small changes in your lives could smooth everything back out again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You have an excellent point...but I really don't know what is so important about this game that he quits school, and prefers to sit in his room all day and night playing it, if you can explain that to me, it would be valuable information to the rest of us on how to best deal with the issue(s).

 

WoW is like many simulation games. It is a chance to be someone else in a world that is your own fantasy. Imagine your favorite movie world and imagine if you could be a part of it. In that world, you are important and respected. You are rich and famous.

 

It has the addiction that LS has...except times ten. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

At the risk of sounding cheesy - You might like to get hold of Dr Phil's 'Life Strategies'.

One of his cardinal points is that "We teach people how to treat us."

If your two boys use you as an easy walkover - it's only because that's how you appear to them

If you're all talk and no action, they just hear blah-blah-blah....

 

I'm a fine one to talk.

Estranged from my two daughters for 4 years!

But I'll tell you, whilst I was there, life really was a breeze, because their father and I set boundaries, and woe betide them if they crossed the line.

 

"In matters of taste, swim with the current. In matters of Principle, stand like a rock."

Get together with Mrs. M. Come up with a game plan. And both of you - lean on one another, support each other, kick each other's butts - but whatever you do, and however you do it - say what you mean, and mean what you say!!

 

Good Luck Moose!

We're rooting for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You have an excellent point...but I really don't know what is so important about this game that he quits school, and prefers to sit in his room all day and night playing it, if you can explain that to me, it would be valuable information to the rest of us on how to best deal with the issue(s).

 

Treat this just like a substance abuse problem. It is an addiction and I have seen many friends fall to this. You don't actually have to understand it, I think if you see it an handle it like an addiction considering your own past it will make much more scene.

Link to post
Share on other sites

lotta good advice here, moose, though I thought a was being particularly cruel when posting this: "maybe send Mrs. Moose my H in exchange" :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

seriously though, the best insight came from my niece, who was 13 or 14 at the time, when she was complaining about my sister, who was a single mom working a lot of overtime as SWB phone company management. Niece was actually complaining about the fact that her mom trusted her and her brother to do the right thing at 13 and 16 (well, Mama did raise those two right, IMO!), and said something to the effect that no matter how much a kid complains, he WANTS those rules and regulations because it meant his parents loved and cared that much to discipline them.

 

and I think she had a point. As much as kids complain about being controlled by authority figures, their world feels much safer when they've got hard, fast rules to live by. And maybe it's time to beef up what you plan to tell your kids. That because you love them, you'll be there for them, but as they get older they must be responsible for themselves. Like the thing with the car/truck – you'll help them get it, but they are completely responsible for paying insurance premiums ... ON TIME AND IN FULL. That if they live at home, then they are responsible residents who understand they're setting examples for the younger kids. That means helping keep the place in shape, keeping it clean, helping cook, helping pay for & buying groceries, etc. Because this is how they're going to learn how to make it on their own when they move out.

 

if they don't like it, hey, the military will give them shelter, three squares AND a roof over their head!

 

meanwhile keep planning and talking with the Mrs. She's going to want to be more lenient, but y'all can figure out a plan that is fair but firm, and keep reminding her that as a parent, doing for your child also means sometimes having to do the tougher thing that benefits them. Like tough love.

 

if all else fails, take up a's offer to send over her spouse, and let Mama Moose get an awakening to what it means to have a partner who understands responsibility.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Role playing games can become very addictive. They have easy reward systems that become quite addictive. It's easy to get lost in fun fantasy instead of working in dreary reality. I think you need to cut off the internet, and the escape from reality it provides.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WoW is like many simulation games. It is a chance to be someone else in a world that is your own fantasy. Imagine your favorite movie world and imagine if you could be a part of it. In that world, you are important and respected. You are rich and famous.

And powerful and in control. All of the things that one is not, as a young adult living at home.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you co-sign on the truck? If so, you're stuck paying for it. You'll have to talk to a lawyer about what you can do to take posession. Quit paying. You can provide a room and food, but that should be all. No having friends over, no internet, no cable box, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think a4a has told you all you need to know, and I personally agree with her with one exception - one year is way too long. Give them 30 days, and if they're still at home, demand some form of rent-like compensation (you can put it in the bank and give it back to them when they actually move out, but don't tell them that). Make sure they understand that this extension option is not unlimited. You don't have to kick them out on their butts, but sell the truck, turn off the internet, take away anything they don't *need* to find a job and carry their own weight. Once my youngest finally got out of the house, he loved having his independence. My oldest still lives at home, but he works full-time, and is paying over $600/month in school loans and saving as much as he can. He plans to move to another state (where the *real* jobs are) by the end of the year.

 

About the WoW, there are people who have become addicted to the game, as if they prefer their online lives to their real ones (that's why my sons call it World of War-Crack). In extreme cases, some players have actually committed suicide when their online characters have died with no chance of respawning.

What I suggest you do is contact your ISP about how to blacklist or at least limit the WoW IP addresses from your home network, (even something like "Net Nanny" might work). Believe me, you won't be the first one to make such a request. As an extreme measure, you can simply blacklist his MAC Address from your router, and tell him your computers are off limits for anything that isn't job related.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see you resolving this without "drama". Try to prepare the Mrs. for it, but make sure that she understands that there are no other options.

Link to post
Share on other sites

18 and 20 is pretty young. With real estate prices and rent going through the roof in recent times, I think it's getting far more common for kids up to 24-25 to be living at home.

 

I think it's ok for you to let your kids live with you. But, I don't think you should keep bailing them out and providing for them.

 

If they stay with you they have to:

 

1) Pay a realistic board that covers their electricity / water / room

2) Do their own washing / cooking

3) Whatever other reasonable ground rules you want

 

You should definitely fire the 18 year old though. No more free rides on your coat tails.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Damn the torpedos, Moose. Set a move-out date for them. One or two months. If Mrs. Moose resents it, set a date for her as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Damn the torpedos, Moose. Set a move-out date for them. One or two months. If Mrs. Moose resents it, set a date for her as well.
Whew....

 

"Damn the torpedos" ....I like it....even if I wouldn't follow through with it....(the Mrs. Moose part)....

 

But I'm willing to play the part long enough to get my point across...alas...this will have to wait until I have enough strength and time to put a strategy together....

Link to post
Share on other sites

When one of them walks by, just say frankly and calmly, "hey. When are you planning to move out?" And after you hear whatever answer they give, say "well, I want you to give it some thought and set a date." Simple. Direct. No anger. No fights. If they balk, all you need to do is look at them and raise your eyebrows, implying that you aren't hearing what you need to hear. Then say, "I'm not hearing what I need to hear from you."

 

This is how I would handle your kids.

 

Also, I would start asking them to bring home groceries. That they pay for themselves. Also hand over the electricity bill and whatever else you don't feel like paying for.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

1)MAKE THEM PAY RENT if they want to continue living at home.

2)WoW needs to disappear. Your son is leeching off of you and is doing nothing. And, he's getting away with it.

3)They CAN get jobs, whether it be helping neighbours by mowing their lawn, raking leaves, whatever, they need to get off their butts and DO. Not say I "will" do. That's bullcrap.

4)Mrs.Moose is enabling the behaviour..She doesn't see it as that, but she is.

 

OK, I will post more in a bit, but I want to read the rest of your thread.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was kicked out of my home when I was 18 although my family did pay for my housing and four years of college... Maybe you could do the same tell them you'll help out as long as their in college but if they drop out no help and they are on there own... I actualy really got mad about the getting kicked out thing

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
He's still at home....says that he wants to pay his debts off before he moves out, but hasn't made any effort to find a good job. He's had part time jobs during the summer, but after that all he does is play WOW online...we never see him unless he's going to the bathroom or getting something to eat, I've been making the truck payments and insurance payments since.

 

Is he depressed? Seriously...Look into that.

 

My second eldest, C is 18 works full time for my BBQ stand. He treats me in front of my employees with out right dis-respect, cuts me down, refuses to do what I ask him to do, not only at work, but at home as well....I feel partially to blame for my slip ups as his father in the past, but have cleaned my act up and turned a 180 more than a decade ago.

 

Sorry Moosey, but what a little sh*t! Spoiled brat!

 

He's lost all respect for me, and doesn't treat any adult with any kind of respect what so ever.

 

He won't go far in life if he doesn't grow up and stop being a snot.

 

Mrs. Moose doesn't feel like they are doing anything wrong, and she doesn't see why it's bother me so much. Until we had a blow out with C, and I was able to demonstrate to her how manipulative he can be.

 

The other night, it was so clear to her, that she even told C to pack up his stuff, and get out herself.....I was TOTALLY SHOCKED!!!!

 

Good, atleast her eyes are opening and she can't make excuses for his behaviour anymore.

 

Anyway, we get promises all the time that C will straighten up, and that J is looking for a better job.....a couple of days later, we're back to square 1.....

 

Friend of mine has 3 kids, the 19 year old SHOULD be kicked out of the house, but isn't (yet). She's rude, pissy, yells at everyone, including her siblings, treats her parents like crap - SHE rules the house, noone stands up to her. it's like they're frightened of upsetting her, making her angry.

 

Anyway, FINALLY her dad freaked and told her GET THE F OUT. You have 20 mins to pack your sh*t and get out. She burst into tears, and they ended up having a good talk.

Things are better now, she does have rules she HAS to follow. (I think she was scared that her dad wasn't bluffing...)

 

If anything, tough love HAS to happen, not only to gain control back in your household, but to wake them UP and get them moving on with their lives.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...