New Custody Arrangment-Need with Transition

[HYS]

Not sure where to post this but here goes.....

 

Here is the situation. My BF of 2 years has 50% custody of his 8 year old son which entails Monday, Tuesdays and every other weekend. Recently (yesterday) we found out he might be getting 80% custody which means he will have his son everyday except 2 weekends out of the month. I know this is a big change in our lives but we can work this out.

 

Our jobs are demanding (sales) and I just started a new job. I travel even more than I use to and trying hard to manage an enormous territory. My BF and I live almost 2 hours from each other and two houses to maintain.

 

Today has been extremely stressful for him due to the amount of time he had to make arrangements for his son to be picked up from school and where he was going to go after school since my BF had other work obligations. I happily stepped in and assured him I will continue to happily step in when I am able to help out. I fully support him and am willing to help.

 

There were many arguement during the day and lasted thru the evening b/c of plans (w/friends and work) came up in conversation. My girlfiends and I plan a monthly get together and it happens to be on a night he will start having his son and he will be out of town. His expectations was that I will cancel plans with my friends and stay home with his son. I cherish the girl time but understands that he needs me. All of this is after he argue with me. My plans for the day after is to be out of town for work, and since it runs into the weekend, to spend the evening with a girlfriend 9her bday) and back into town saturday morning. He was upset with me and said that I'm inconsiderate. I didn't think it would make a difference b/c he was going to be with his son regardless of the new custody arrangements and thought it would be fun for his son to spend time with his dad and for me to spend time with a friend. There were more arguemnts this evening that I don't even want to get into.

 

sorry so long....my question is what am I expected to do in this new custody arrangement. I understand this will impact our relationship but I don't think in a negative way. I really want honest opinions. If I'm being unreasonable then please let me know.

[SexinmyCity]

It's not your job, nor should it be his expectation that you are his new babysitter now that he has more time with his son. That's his responsibility. If he is going to be out of town, he needs to make arrangements for someone to care for his son. YOU live two hours away. I think he is the one who is being inconsiderate, not you.

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree this is his problem NOT yours. He needs to figure out a full time back up plan - this will come up frequently for him.

 

Who watches his son after school? I seriously hope he's not jsut being shuttled all over the place depending on who is available. Kids need stability and regular schedules help with that.

 

Expecting people to cancel their plans to pick up HIS responsibilities is just wrong. Your b/f needs to understand that when you have done things like that it was out of the goodness of your heart and not something he can count on all the time.

 

My heart really goes out to this kid - sounds like his mom either doesn't want him or is not all that suitable to be a mom and his dad is clueless.

[HYS]

Thank you both for your response. Even though I did cancel my plans with my girlfriends next week (which didn't seem appreciated at all) I will no longer feel guilty for saying no.

[Trimmer]

Out of curiosity, what is the situation that is causing the custody arrangement to change from 50% to 80% for a parent who is so busy at work that it causes stress finding people to cover for him for after school care, and for times when he is travelling out of town?

 

I agree with the others, unless you are willing to step in and fully commit to a role as this child's mother (and that means long term) I think you are unwise to establish a pattern of always stepping in and changing your plans to accommodate your BF's parenting needs. It seems very kind towards the child in the short term, but "inconsiderate" isn't even the word to describe your BF's attitude...

 

Put another way, what is this guy doing increasing his custody time to 80% when he can't handle it as a parent? This WILL be a change in his life, and it WILL demand compromise. Something will have to give.

 

What is the deal with the child's mother?

[HYS]

The deal with the childs mother is that reality is setting in after 3 years of recieving "support" from the father. She had decided to relinquish her custody during the week to go back to school full time. There were no options for my BF but to take his son full time during the week.

 

I understand my BF frustration as all of this was presented on Monday of this week. He said he doesn't have any expectations of me but he has argue with me when I was not able to bend over backwards. I am not responsibile for his ex wifes duties!!!

[curiousnycgirl]

Actually they are not his ex wife's duties at this point, they are HIS. He needs to either change his job/life to be make himself more available for his son, OR he needs to hire full time help.

 

Those really are his only options. Assuming his girlfriend will step in and change her life/plans while he carries on his merry way is a recipe for disaster.

[Trimmer]

The deal with the childs mother is that reality is setting in after 3 years of recieving "support" from the father. She had decided to relinquish her custody during the week to go back to school full time.

Is this something that was done pursuant to a court order, a modification of an existing custody/parenting agreement, or are they just "winging it?"

 

I understand my BF frustration as all of this was presented on Monday of this week. He said he doesn't have any expectations of me but he has argue with me when I was not able to bend over backwards. I am not responsibile for his ex wifes duties!!!

 

Actually they are not his ex wife's duties at this point, they are HIS. He needs to either change his job/life to be make himself more available for his son, OR he needs to hire full time help.

While I agree with the general idea here (I even said earlier, "something has to give...) I do wonder if she does have some "duties" as a mother that she is just dropping.

 

What does it mean to "relinquish custody during the week" and how is it that he hadn't heard about this until Monday of this week? In the absence of misconduct, both parents do have duties to parent their child, and if they are just winging the custody/parenting arrangements, then that's not a very good situation at all.

 

I absolutely don't want to make this into a mother's vs father's rights discussion - it works both ways - but unless it's something that's been agreed to and/or ordered by a court, it's no more acceptable for either parent to unilaterally "relinquish" custody rights (thus burdening the other parent with additional care responsibilities) than it would be for a parent to stop paying ordered child support.

 

Child care and parenting is not a "right." It is a responsiblity, which in the ideal would be borne by both parents, in a manner negotiated and agreed upon and sometimes necessitating an order by a court. One may candy coat it as "relinquishing custody rights" but again, unless it's been through a negotiation process where both parties had a chance to have their say in good faith, it could just as easily be seen as walking away from child rearing responsiblities, and you can't just walk away from that because you want a lifestyle change.

 

So my root question is: just how did this change in custody arrangement come about?

 

(And none of this changes my opinion that your BF himself needs to work out and bear whatever responsiblity he accepts, or that which is thrust upon him, or whatever. Any expectation that you - as his GF -will jump to fill in the gaps while he continues a life essentially unchanged seems presumptuous. And foolish on his part, too. If your relationship ends, he still has the responsibility of being a complete parent, with or without you.)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He is being completely unreasonable and it would cause me to question the status of my relationship with him. First of all, if you were married to him and this child belonged to both of you, it would be rediculous to ask you not to have a life outside of he and the child except when it was convenient for him.

 

For three years I had a girls night on Wednesday evenings. It was important to me and I did not miss unless there was an emergency or a child had a program. Certainly his arrangement with his EX did not involve you giving up your social life without your consent.

 

He could easily find a friend with a young teen to sit with an 8 year old for some extra cash in the afternoons. He is asking way to much from a gf and it sounds expected and not even appreciated. As his wife he would be asking too much in my opinion. I would stand my ground on this.

[HYS]

Is this something that was done pursuant to a court order, a modification of an existing custody/parenting agreement, or are they just "winging it?"

 

 

 

 

While I agree with the general idea here (I even said earlier, "something has to give...) I do wonder if she does have some "duties" as a mother that she is just dropping.

 

What does it mean to "relinquish custody during the week" and how is it that he hadn't heard about this until Monday of this week? In the absence of misconduct, both parents do have duties to parent their child, and if they are just winging the custody/parenting arrangements, then that's not a very good situation at all.

 

I absolutely don't want to make this into a mother's vs father's rights discussion - it works both ways - but unless it's something that's been agreed to and/or ordered by a court, it's no more acceptable for either parent to unilaterally "relinquish" custody rights (thus burdening the other parent with additional care responsibilities) than it would be for a parent to stop paying ordered child support.

 

Child care and parenting is not a "right." It is a responsiblity, which in the ideal would be borne by both parents, in a manner negotiated and agreed upon and sometimes necessitating an order by a court. One may candy coat it as "relinquishing custody rights" but again, unless it's been through a negotiation process where both parties had a chance to have their say in good faith, it could just as easily be seen as walking away from child rearing responsiblities, and you can't just walk away from that because you want a lifestyle change.

 

So my root question is: just how did this change in custody arrangement come about?

 

(And none of this changes my opinion that your BF himself needs to work out and bear whatever responsiblity he accepts, or that which is thrust upon him, or whatever. Any expectation that you - as his GF -will jump to fill in the gaps while he continues a life essentially unchanged seems presumptuous. And foolish on his part, too. If your relationship ends, he still has the responsibility of being a complete parent, with or without you.)

 

 

The new custody arrangements came about on Monday b/c the mother has decided to go back to school. She is unable to afford the gas money to travel back to town to take care of her son. Therefore she is relinquishing her time during the week with her son. My BF and his ex wife have been divorced for 3 years and during the 3 years she has recieved maintaince. In other words, she's had a 3 year vacation and now is in panic mode b/c maintanance comes to an abrupt stop this month.

 

She is notorious for throwing commands at last minute giving my BF no time to repsond. Her response on picking her son up was, "I can't do it and you have to find a way!" It was actually her day to pick her son up. if he didn't pick his son up, there would be no one picking his son up from school. Bottom line is she is unstable and irresponsible. I am ususally very understanding to both sides but I have seen this first hand.

 

My question is what is a reasonable expectation of me. I am not ready to be a full time mother. I am not my BF wife nor am I his sons step mother. Our lives are going to be drastically different as we are not able to spend as much alone time as we use to spend. For his son, this arrangement is the best thing that could happen to him.....for our relationship, not so much. Either way, I think his son needs the stability his father will provide for him.

[HYS]

Thanks again for your responses. There are times I wonder if I am mentally ready to be in this situation. My BF is 45 and I am 28. My career is very important to me and at times, comes first in my life. We both have demanding jobs and 4 days ago found out that I might have to help my BF raise a 8 year old. Thanks for letting me vent!

[Trimmer]

The new custody arrangements came about on Monday b/c the mother has decided to go back to school. She is unable to afford the gas money to travel back to town to take care of her son. Therefore she is relinquishing her time during the week with her son.

So is there, or is there not, a parenting plan/custody order in place associated with their divorce? And what does it provide? You can't just unilaterally 'relinquish your time' as if it's some generous gift you are bestowing, and thrust that upon the other party; the flip side of that is that she is abdicating her child care responsibilities under the parenting plan/custody order.

 

Now none of that matters, I suppose, if she is clearly a deadbeat, and your BF is obviously going to step up - good for him; he can't just leave the kid waiting at school, to make a point - but I just wanted to understand clearly: she just decided, on her own, to change the plan?

 

She is notorious for throwing commands at last minute giving my BF no time to repsond.

This is why parenting plans/custody orders are written in great detail, attempting to leave no stone unturned. For her to "throw commands" that contradict that order is unacceptable.

 

Separate from the maintenance that has ended, is he also paying child care? (I assume that the "maintenance" that is ending is spousal maintenance - usually child care continues until the kid is 18 or graduates high school or something like that...) If so, and if the child care amount was calculated assuming that the kid would spend time 50/50 or more with the mother, then your BF would probably be within his rights to get the order changed - if she has forced his hand into taking a bigger proportion of the parenting time, then (in my state, anyway) that can be factored into the child support calculation. He certainly is doing the right thing by stepping up as a parent if she's going to abdicate her responsibilities, but he might have some recourse as far as getting the court to recognize that the parenting plan needs to change, and making adjustments accordingly.

 

My question is what is a reasonable expectation of me. I am not ready to be a full time mother. I am not my BF wife nor am I his sons step mother. Our lives are going to be drastically different as we are not able to spend as much alone time as we use to spend. For his son, this arrangement is the best thing that could happen to him.....for our relationship, not so much. Either way, I think his son needs the stability his father will provide for him.

I'm glad for his son - it sounds like he is going to spend more time with the more stable parent. But your BF needs to plan this out and bear this responsibility on his own. He is perfectly entitled to ask you for your help, but I would be offended if he just assumed it, and especially if he argues with you, and calls you "inconsiderate" for not rearranging your life.

 

This may not have a simple solution; it may well be a turning point in your relationship. This is the man your BF is now - a most-of-the-time single parent raising a child while intending to maintain a busy career as well. Some of this is thrust upon him, some of it is his choice (could he scale back his work, travel less, take a different job?) But where he settles out in all of that is partly a product of the CHOICES he makes as far as how to balance career and family.

 

So if this is who he is now, the question is: does it work for you? If he perceives that the only way he can make this work is to have a partner who will help out with his child, are you willing to be that partner? Is he essentially telling you that if you want to be with him, part of the deal is being de facto step mom? (...or he will declare you inconsiderate...)

 

Just to establish my credentials for commenting here, I'm a divorced father - 3 years since our separation, too, as a matter of fact... I have my 2 kids 50% of the time, and although I haven't had a partner/GF at all yet, I feel like irrespective of that, I am the parent, and I would not expect that a GF would step in and contribute. Any changes in our family parenting arrangement are mine to handle.

 

If at some point I get remarried or establish a long-term committed relationship, this would all have to be a part of the discussion - her taking on a role of step-mother and what that entails - but that would be an offer, open to discussion, that she would be entitled to decline or walk away from if that life is not for her...

 

So whether your BF's expectations are reasonable or not may be hard to define objectively (I personally think they are unreasonable, but others may disagree.) But what it comes down to is: you are seeing the life he is living and all it involves, and he is communicating to you - perhaps indirectly - where you fit in his life and the role he needs you to perform. I'll close with the same question I asked earlier: considering all that, does it work for you?

[HYS]

So is there, or is there not, a parenting plan/custody order in place associated with their divorce? And what does it provide? You can't just unilaterally 'relinquish your time' as if it's some generous gift you are bestowing, and thrust that upon the other party; the flip side of that is that she is abdicating her child care responsibilities under the parenting plan/custody order.

 

Now none of that matters, I suppose, if she is clearly a deadbeat, and your BF is obviously going to step up - good for him; he can't just leave the kid waiting at school, to make a point - but I just wanted to understand clearly: she just decided, on her own, to change the plan?

 

This is why parenting plans/custody orders are written in great detail, attempting to leave no stone unturned. For her to "throw commands" that contradict that order is unacceptable.

 

Separate from the maintenance that has ended, is he also paying child care? (I assume that the "maintenance" that is ending is spousal maintenance - usually child care continues until the kid is 18 or graduates high school or something like that...) If so, and if the child care amount was calculated assuming that the kid would spend time 50/50 or more with the mother, then your BF would probably be within his rights to get the order changed - if she has forced his hand into taking a bigger proportion of the parenting time, then (in my state, anyway) that can be factored into the child support calculation. He certainly is doing the right thing by stepping up as a parent if she's going to abdicate her responsibilities, but he might have some recourse as far as getting the court to recognize that the parenting plan needs to change, and making adjustments accordingly.

 

 

I'm glad for his son - it sounds like he is going to spend more time with the more stable parent. But your BF needs to plan this out and bear this responsibility on his own. He is perfectly entitled to ask you for your help, but I would be offended if he just assumed it, and especially if he argues with you, and calls you "inconsiderate" for not rearranging your life.

 

This may not have a simple solution; it may well be a turning point in your relationship. This is the man your BF is now - a most-of-the-time single parent raising a child while intending to maintain a busy career as well. Some of this is thrust upon him, some of it is his choice (could he scale back his work, travel less, take a different job?) But where he settles out in all of that is partly a product of the CHOICES he makes as far as how to balance career and family.

 

So if this is who he is now, the question is: does it work for you? If he perceives that the only way he can make this work is to have a partner who will help out with his child, are you willing to be that partner? Is he essentially telling you that if you want to be with him, part of the deal is being de facto step mom? (...or he will declare you inconsiderate...)

 

Just to establish my credentials for commenting here, I'm a divorced father - 3 years since our separation, too, as a matter of fact... I have my 2 kids 50% of the time, and although I haven't had a partner/GF at all yet, I feel like irrespective of that, I am the parent, and I would not expect that a GF would step in and contribute. Any changes in our family parenting arrangement are mine to handle.

 

If at some point I get remarried or establish a long-term committed relationship, this would all have to be a part of the discussion - her taking on a role of step-mother and what that entails - but that would be an offer, open to discussion, that she would be entitled to decline or walk away from if that life is not for her...

 

So whether your BF's expectations are reasonable or not may be hard to define objectively (I personally think they are unreasonable, but others may disagree.) But what it comes down to is: you are seeing the life he is living and all it involves, and he is communicating to you - perhaps indirectly - where you fit in his life and the role he needs you to perform. I'll close with the same question I asked earlier: considering all that, does it work for you?

 

 

You raised a good question I don't think I asked myself....does it work for me??? The answer is yes and so far, I have been a pseudo step mother for his son. I have step in other times when my BF is away for work and I help take care of him on the weekends.

 

Before I forget to answer your question, the custody has not legally changed from 50/50 to 80/20 but it will very soon. My BF ex wife has told him, there will be no option B. You would think someone would be considerate enough to notify you in advance of some drastic changes but I guess not. She truly thinks the world revolves around her.

 

The feelings I have towards this new situation, which I think you helped me realize, is there wasn't much discussion of my role and how much I can contruibute. I am more than happy to lend a helping hand when I am available and have made that clear to my BF. My job is very demanding and requires some travel (1 or 2 nights out of town a week). Throughout bits and pieces of conversation, I get the impression his son is now our responsibility. What I mean is, he will have 1 or 2 nights a week of evening obligations (which I hope he will cut back on if possible) and I will have to care for his son. The way I see it is, I will plan my week accordingly and if I'm not out of town the night he needs me to care for his son, then I will happily help him, if I am out of town, he will have to find a baby sitter.....makes sense?? Maybe I'm a little selfish to put my career first.

 

I would like your thoughts on how to approach and discuss this situation with my BF. What would you like to hear to put you at ease and not end up in confrontation??

[littlekitty]

As his GF, I think he's incredibly wrong to expect you to look after his son when he is unable to.

 

To ask you help occassionally is one thing. To expect you to factor your life and career around this - when you aren't even living together - is something entirely different.

 

To my eyes he appears to be seeing you as an easy option baby sitter. You've picked up the slack before, you'll do it now.

 

It is not wrong for you to wish to continue pursue your career, or to put that first. At the point when you cohabit, and take the relationship a step further, perhaps you may have to discuss that, but right now I think his expectations are too high - an apparently without little consideration or thanks to you.

 

I would reassure him that you love him and his son very much. Make it clear that you wish to be a part of thier life and are happy to help where possible.

 

But you do need to make him understand that his change is custody is his to sort out. That you are a not a free baby sitter who will pick up the pieces in this situation. That he cannot rely on you to drop work, nor friends at a moments notice to accomodate him.

 

If he can't accept and understand that... I think you'll have some serious thinking to do.

 

I am a step mother. I look after my SS when he is with us.

 

But I make it clear that I am not a baby sitting service. I will occassionally assist when both my DH and his ex are busy at the same time, but I am not here to assist at the drop of hat - all the time. He is their child, they must arrange their time accordingly.

[HYS]

As his GF, I think he's incredibly wrong to expect you to look after his son when he is unable to.

 

To ask you help occassionally is one thing. To expect you to factor your life and career around this - when you aren't even living together - is something entirely different.

 

To my eyes he appears to be seeing you as an easy option baby sitter. You've picked up the slack before, you'll do it now.

 

It is not wrong for you to wish to continue pursue your career, or to put that first. At the point when you cohabit, and take the relationship a step further, perhaps you may have to discuss that, but right now I think his expectations are too high - an apparently without little consideration or thanks to you.

 

I would reassure him that you love him and his son very much. Make it clear that you wish to be a part of thier life and are happy to help where possible.

 

But you do need to make him understand that his change is custody is his to sort out. That you are a not a free baby sitter who will pick up the pieces in this situation. That he cannot rely on you to drop work, nor friends at a moments notice to accomodate him.

 

If he can't accept and understand that... I think you'll have some serious thinking to do.

 

I am a step mother. I look after my SS when he is with us.

 

But I make it clear that I am not a baby sitting service. I will occassionally assist when both my DH and his ex are busy at the same time, but I am not here to assist at the drop of hat - all the time. He is their child, they must arrange their time accordingly.

 

 

Thank you for your thoughts. Even as a step mother you help when you can but not there to assist at the drop of a hat. That really puts things in perspective for me.

 

I think my BF and I both need to have a discussion regarding this issue and I need to make it clear to him his son is his responsiblilty. I've mention that before and I think he really took offense to it. I need to be honest and firm. Thank you again for your insight!

[Trimmer]

The way I see it is, I will plan my week accordingly and if I'm not out of town the night he needs me to care for his son, then I will happily help him, if I am out of town, he will have to find a baby sitter.....makes sense?? Maybe I'm a little selfish to put my career first.

I really don't see how it is selfish, as in shirking some obligation for self-centered reasons. You don't have your own kids yet because you intend to focus on other things. That's the right way to run your life. That feeling that you are being selfish is coming from his expectations, and please understand that that's not an objective view of you as a person; that's his desire for how the relationship should be. You are entitled and empowered to decide for yourself if that works for you, without it being a "selfish" decision.

 

Why is it any more selfish for you to intend to continue your career without disruption (when you have no kids of your own) than it is for him to intend to continue his career without disruption, when he does have a kid that he is going to have increased responsibility for?

 

I would like your thoughts on how to approach and discuss this situation with my BF. What would you like to hear to put you at ease and not end up in confrontation??

That may be hard to figure out, when you are working from this as a foundation:

...I need to make it clear to him his son is his responsiblilty. I've mention that before and I think he really took offense to it.

I am really concerned that you will have a hard time changing his mind. It sounds like his view is that being with him includes being full-on parent #2, and meeting his expectations in that role.

 

If it were me, I believe I would be hesitant to lean on a GF too much, just because I insist on taking full responsibility for my kids when it's "my time." And anything a GF did would be greatly appreciated by me as a real positive. It seems like his perspective is shifted from that - he assumes you should be doing it, and any reticence or inability to deliver, based on your career and life plans, is seen as a negative.

 

I hope you can work it out, but I don't have a lot of advice as to how to approach it.

 

Just don't be made to feel you are failing to meet some kind of obligation - that obligation lies firmly with the child's parents. You and he both need a clear view of expectations and an agreement on what this relationship will be, and if you can't both find the common ground, you'll have to decide whether to shift your position or get out...