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my girlfriend and my daugher


robkris8079

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robkris8079

My soon to be 3yo is very fresh to my girlfriend sometimes. She has this little attitude. She gets that way with a few people but with my girlfriend alot. Now I've been dating this girl since my daughter was 1 so it's not a new thing. I'm afraid to scold her for acting this way because I think she might blame my girlfriend for it. And that will make matters worse. I've tried asking her why she is acting like this and talking to her about it. But anyone who has had a 2yo knows this is almost impossible.

 

The strange thing is everyday Kylar (my daughter) asks for Lana (my GF). She talks about her all the time, and sometimes when they are together they really click. My daughter will hold her hand, or want to play with her, or have her pick her up. It's strange and I don't know how to handle this.

 

I'm afraid this is slowly eating away at my girlfriend and it may cause problems for us down the road. I want to take some sort of action to at least show Lana that I'm aware of the problem and making attempts to fix it.

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curiousnycgirl

It is up to you, the parent, to nip this in the bud. You need to tell her, when it happens, that the behaviour is unacceptable and have a time out or something.

 

You need to be consistent in addressing it everytime it happens (with your g/f and with the others you mentioned).

 

I am willing to hazard a guess that your g/f is not getting miffed at the 3 year old as much as she is upset that you are not addressing it.

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It is up to you, the parent, to nip this in the bud. You need to tell her, when it happens, that the behaviour is unacceptable and have a time out or something.

 

You need to be consistent in addressing it everytime it happens (with your g/f and with the others you mentioned).

 

I am willing to hazard a guess that your g/f is not getting miffed at the 3 year old as much as she is upset that you are not addressing it.

 

I agree 100% that what's eating away at the GF is not the 3 y/o. It's the fact your not addressing it.

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My soon to be 3yo is very fresh to my girlfriend sometimes. She has this little attitude. She gets that way with a few people but with my girlfriend alot. Now I've been dating this girl since my daughter was 1 so it's not a new thing. I'm afraid to scold her for acting this way because I think she might blame my girlfriend for it. And that will make matters worse. I've tried asking her why she is acting like this and talking to her about it. But anyone who has had a 2yo knows this is almost impossible.

 

The strange thing is everyday Kylar (my daughter) asks for Lana (my GF). She talks about her all the time, and sometimes when they are together they really click. My daughter will hold her hand, or want to play with her, or have her pick her up. It's strange and I don't know how to handle this.

 

I'm afraid this is slowly eating away at my girlfriend and it may cause problems for us down the road. I want to take some sort of action to at least show Lana that I'm aware of the problem and making attempts to fix it.

 

 

I happen to have a 3 year old myself right now, so I can relate to how hard it is to reason with a child this age. Consistency with her is the key. You need to stand your ground and stick to it. After a while your little one should be able to see that her bahavior is wrong, but shes still little so this may take some time. Good luck.

 

AP:)

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saraispiel19

your girlfriend obviously knows your a dad and would have to deal with a child- if she is complaining about this then obviously she isn't the right one for the both of you. If she's acting uncomfy because of the situation is another thing but if it causes some sort of obstacle for her or a barrier between the both of you is yet another!

 

your daughter is only 2! she thinks she's a nice person, my daughter is almost two and does the same to other people it's not like they are trying to play house they are innocent little people scolding her would just make her think that getting to know other people is wrong. she soulds like a friendly little girl and punishing her for trying to get close to someone you are close to is not the right way to go.

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I'm afraid to scold her for acting this way because I think she might blame my girlfriend for it.

Well, it's not "scolding" that is needed as much as helping your daughter learn (age-appropriate) communication skills and show (age-appropriate) respect towards ALL others.

 

Kylar won't connect your parenting efforts to Lana unless YOU only make the effort when she acts up with Lana.

Like other posters have said, consistency is the key. As long as you do your parenting whether it's grandma, a stranger or Lana, Kylar will realize that it is HER behaviour that is being addressed and not anything to do with Lana (or whomever.)

 

At the same time, Lana is a grown-up and thus responsible for [1] how she allows Kylar to treat her, [2] offering parenting support to you (and parents in general), and [3] being a positive leader/guide/role model for Kylar (and kids in general.)

 

Well...for what my two cents is worth, at any rate :)

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robkris8079

Lana is in no way showing this is bothering her or an issue. I don't know if anything is "eating away" at her. She acts like everything is perfectly fine. This may all be in my head but I'm trying to avoid a problem in the future. I try and put my myself in my girlfriends shoes and I know I wouldn't like the situation.

 

Kylar has been talked to and told that her behavior is unacceptable and she has been put in time out. This happens whether it's Lana or anyone else. I'm as consistant as possible. I guess this will have to give it more attention. More time out's (which don't seem to do anything), and more talking.

 

Lana is a great role model for Kylar. Way better then her mother ever was. She has been the perfect girlfriend in everyway. I really am fortunate to have her in my life.

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saraispiel19

oh see rob everything is fine--- it's prob. in your worry wart head. if it is bothering you i think you should talk to your girlfriend about it and see where she stands.

 

p.s. good work with being consistent with the kiddo..

 

 

goodluck to ya!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Could you be more specific on what behaviors you consider innapropriate? This would help us to understand your situation better.

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I'm confused.. do you have full custody of your child? What exactly is the 'little attitude' about?

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littlekitty

I'd also like to know what the behaviours are?

 

I have a now 4 year old step son who I've been around since he was less than 1. He did at some stages give me 'attitude'. However that is far and away behind us now and he regards me as a 'parental' figure (not his mother I hasten to add!!).

 

My feeling was that it was simply at times he was just pushing boundries, learning where he stood with me and what part I was in his life. Just because I'm a constant, not being a parent I think this was something he sometimes needed to work out for himself.

 

In fact the other day he called me 'my Littlekitty', which was so lovely!! (As in my Daddy and my Littlekitty! :D)

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I'd also like to add that it would help you tremendously if you learned about the cognitive development of children. I took a class in college years ago never thinking I would ever use what I learned. When I had my children, the knowledge of why children did what they did at certain ages helped me to deal productively with my children's behavior.

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robkris8079

Yes I have custody of my daughter. It's joint but I'm the custodial and her mom lives in a different state.

 

My daughter just say things like "were going to the store but Lana's not coming". Or "I don't want Lana to do this or that". She will snatch things from her like if Alana pick up something of Kylars. Or even if it's mine Kylar will grab it and say "that's my Daddy's".

 

Again this is strange because it's intermittent. Some times Kylar will ask where Alana is if she's not around. Kylar also likes working in the garden with Alana and having her paint her nails. Sometimes want her to change her.

 

Since I posted this I think the situation has gotten better. I'm a little more firm with her. I correct the inappropriate behavior as soon as I see it and everytime.

 

I think maybe my girlfriend should be less passive with her and sort of establish herself as an authorative figure. Maybe that would help, or maybe it would open another can of worms?

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littlekitty
Yes I have custody of my daughter. It's joint but I'm the custodial and her mom lives in a different state.

 

My daughter just say things like "were going to the store but Lana's not coming". Or "I don't want Lana to do this or that". She will snatch things from her like if Alana pick up something of Kylars. Or even if it's mine Kylar will grab it and say "that's my Daddy's".

 

Again this is strange because it's intermittent. Some times Kylar will ask where Alana is if she's not around. Kylar also likes working in the garden with Alana and having her paint her nails. Sometimes want her to change her.

 

Since I posted this I think the situation has gotten better. I'm a little more firm with her. I correct the inappropriate behavior as soon as I see it and everytime.

 

I think maybe my girlfriend should be less passive with her and sort of establish herself as an authorative figure. Maybe that would help, or maybe it would open another can of worms?

 

Ok, this is EXACTLY the behaviour we went through. To a T!!!

 

SS would want a drink, but not LK to make it. He'd want passing something, but if I passed it would scream!! He'd tell me he didn't want me to go with them to x, y, z. I couldn't get him out of the car seat...! Then in a moment I could be the best thing since sliced bread!! :confused:

 

We did exactly what you did. Hubby corrected the behaviour and installed in him that he was not to treat me like that. I also worked on my reaction to these things - I'm not suggesting Alana is reacting incorrectly - but I sometimes allowed this to annoy me and didn't always respond appropriately.

 

Hubby often did the, "well if LK doesn't get your drink you'll go without" routine, so SS knew he had to deal with it.

 

I learnt to get down on his level and say "SS, that's not very nice". And learnt to be a little more authorative in the right way.

 

I can't tell you the 100% best way through this. We stumbled and tried different things.

 

What I can tell you is that it passed fairly quickly (say 6 months or so). We're now all good and I haven't seen this behaviour in at least 6 months.

 

He'll let me change him any time, get him anything, do anything, never tries to cut me out. In fact not so long ago while away at his Grandparents he was more interested in speaking to me than Daddy..... :laugh:

 

Your daughter is just figuring out where the boundries are with Alana and what her role is in her life as a non-parent but parental type figure iykwim!

 

Be consistant, keep working at it as a team and you'll be grand - promise. :)

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Yes I have custody of my daughter. It's joint but I'm the custodial and her mom lives in a different state.

 

My daughter just say things like "were going to the store but Lana's not coming". Or "I don't want Lana to do this or that". She will snatch things from her like if Alana pick up something of Kylars. Or even if it's mine Kylar will grab it and say "that's my Daddy's".

 

Again this is strange because it's intermittent. Some times Kylar will ask where Alana is if she's not around. Kylar also likes working in the garden with Alana and having her paint her nails. Sometimes want her to change her.

 

Since I posted this I think the situation has gotten better. I'm a little more firm with her. I correct the inappropriate behavior as soon as I see it and everytime.

 

I think maybe my girlfriend should be less passive with her and sort of establish herself as an authorative figure. Maybe that would help, or maybe it would open another can of worms?

 

Your daughter is acting like a typical 3 year old. I wouldn't be bothered by any of this. Just be consistant in correcting her behavior when she is acting up and let her know where her bounderies are. The most important thing when keeping good bounderies in place with children is to be consistant with them. You'll do just fine.

 

I was also wondering, do you spend one on one time with your daughter. I think, especially in cases like yours, that spending one on one time with a child does a world of good for them.

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whichwayisup

You need to talk to your girlfriend about this. Don't assume to know what she's thinking, it may be an issue with you but it may not be with her.

 

What I see is a competition thing between attention you give your girlfriend and what attention you give your daughter. She (your daughter) is protective of you and if she is feeling leftout, she WILL act up, hense her behaviour and sometimes not wanting your gf around.

 

Make special one on one time with your daughter - Then another time as a family unit, ALL of you go somewhere fun for the day..Another suggestion is, allow your gf and your daughter alone time, to shop together or just hang out alone in the house. Communication is a good thing for everyone, so next time your daughter says something or acts up, ask her why she feels that way, or if she's upset or angry. Don't be afraid to give her timeouts. 2 and 3 years are terrible sometimes and need to put in their place (in the sense of who the adult and authority figure is) if you can't do that, it'll get worse and your daughter will run the show 24/7.

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robkris8079
I was also wondering, do you spend one on one time with your daughter. I think, especially in cases like yours, that spending one on one time with a child does a world of good for them.

 

yes we have alone time. My girlfriend doesn't live with us. She comes over to our house on tuesdays and we go to her house on thursdays. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday it's just Kylar and me. But Friday I spend driving her out to meet her mother for the weekend. We water the plants, wash daddy's car, play hopscotch and always have tea parties. I found it's a great way to get her to eat BTW. Sit and have food with our tea!

 

You need to talk to your girlfriend about this. Don't assume to know what she's thinking, it may be an issue with you but it may not be with her.

 

We have talked and she said it's not an issue. I still don't like it.

 

Another suggestion is, allow your gf and your daughter alone time, to shop together or just hang out alone in the house.

 

I already do this too. I set it up so that when Alana comes over those two spend time in the garden together without me. Or they swim in Kylars pool as well as the now routine of painting nails.

 

I really think now that it's a phase and I'm doing all I can. Kylar does this thing now before she goes to bed. Kylar makes me lay her down next to Alana and the whole time Kylar says "no I don't want to lay with Lana" in a joking manner. If I forget to do this Kylar makes me take her back down stairs just so I can do it.

 

It's little interactions like this that puts a big smile on my face!

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We have talked and she said it's not an issue. I still don't like it.!

 

Don't nuke the issue. Really, she is just 3 years old. Much of the time they don't understand why they feel the way do. They are still asserting their independance and figuring out what their place is in the family. It sounds like you are doing the right things by setting the bounderies and spending some time alone with your daughter. I still sugest that you read up on the cognitive developement of children. I have 3 kids now (and one on the way). I would have flipped out over so many silly things if I did not have a clue about children's thinking process before I had my kids. Just take it easy and gently and respectively correct her behavior when she acts up. You'll be fine.

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First off, you cannot have a rational discussion with a child. They are not rational beings!

 

Your job is to correct her behavior. She is doing this because at this age, little girls want to get rid of "Mom" in order to keep Daddy all to themselves. She is testing your limits, and you are failing miserably.

 

You need to parent and discipline her, before her attitude gets out of hand, and grows into full-blown brattiness. Otherwise, she will continue to drive a wedge in all of your relationships, because you have taught her that she can.

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Yes I have custody of my daughter. It's joint but I'm the custodial and her mom lives in a different state.

 

My daughter just say things like "were going to the store but Lana's not coming". Or "I don't want Lana to do this or that". She will snatch things from her like if Alana pick up something of Kylars. Or even if it's mine Kylar will grab it and say "that's my Daddy's".

 

Again this is strange because it's intermittent. Some times Kylar will ask where Alana is if she's not around. Kylar also likes working in the garden with Alana and having her paint her nails. Sometimes want her to change her.

 

Since I posted this I think the situation has gotten better. I'm a little more firm with her. I correct the inappropriate behavior as soon as I see it and everytime.

 

I think maybe my girlfriend should be less passive with her and sort of establish herself as an authorative figure. Maybe that would help, or maybe it would open another can of worms?

 

NO... NO... NO.. she's your girlfriend.. NOT a parent.. so she has nothing to say unless it's a life dangerous situation for your child... that would go the other way IMO.. and the child WOULD resent her.. NOT a good idea.

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Oh and I should add. if the daughter was old enough to understand what's going around.. then it would be different (for ex. a teen or a young adult) but for Pete's sake she's only 3.. don't expect her to think and act as an adult... she wants YOUR attention and that IS normal.. she went though divorce or separation like you guys.. just give her a chance.. :mad:

 

Your girlfriend needs to be understanding.. and you need to take care of your daugther.. FIRST...

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robkris8079
Don't nuke the issue. Really, she is just 3 years old. Much of the time they don't understand why they feel the way do. They are still asserting their independance and figuring out what their place is in the family. It sounds like you are doing the right things by setting the bounderies and spending some time alone with your daughter. I still sugest that you read up on the cognitive developement of children. I have 3 kids now (and one on the way). I would have flipped out over so many silly things if I did not have a clue about children's thinking process before I had my kids. Just take it easy and gently and respectively correct her behavior when she acts up. You'll be fine.

 

Thank you for your comments. I will read up on cognitive development. I did some reading when her mother left and actually had some psychology classes in college that dealt with child development. I am not "flipping" out but I do like to take care of things before they escalate. Honestly if you ever seen this situation in person you would probably not even think it was worth posting about. I am just trying to be thorough and do the best job I can.

 

She is testing your limits, and you are failing miserably.

 

Not really sure how I'm failling miserably but thanks for your input. Even though it was not backed by any real evidence. If you read the thread thoroughly you would have seen that I am correcting her behavior each and everytime something happens. Whether it be something small or a big hissy fit. Each and every time it is corrected.

 

NO... NO... NO.. she's your girlfriend.. NOT a parent.. so she has nothing to say unless it's a life dangerous situation for your child... that would go the other way IMO.. and the child WOULD resent her.. NOT a good idea.

 

I'm not telling my girl friend to play mom. But she is an authoritive figure. If you believe different I respect that. But in my family you respect your elders. Sure she is only 3 but why wait. Might as well plant the seed now. I do see Alana as an authoritive figure in Kylars life. Afterall this is not some girl I just met. She has been around Kylar since she was 1 years old and definately has spent as much if not more time with her then her mother. Someone that's around my child that much has a big influence on her.

 

Oh and I should add. if the daughter was old enough to understand what's going around.. then it would be different (for ex. a teen or a young adult) but for Pete's sake she's only 3.. don't expect her to think and act as an adult... she wants YOUR attention and that IS normal.. she went though divorce or separation like you guys.. just give her a chance.. :mad:

 

Your girlfriend needs to be understanding.. and you need to take care of your daugther.. FIRST...

 

Who is expecting her to act like an adult? YOU are overthinking this. My daughter is 3 years old. She knows right from wrong on most things. She knows when she is being fresh and she knows when she is being good. Your statement contradicts itself. At first you say "she isn't old enough to understand what's going on" next you say "she WENT through a divorce and seperation" So what is it? Does she or does she not no what's going on? I'll tell you what it is. She definately knows. She knew something was wrong with her mother when she was 11 months old and realized her mom wasn't paying as much attention to her. She knew when she was a year old and mommy moved out of the house. She knew when her mom moved out of state and she only seen her a few times a month. My daughters knew all of that and showed me she knew it by the way she acted and conversations we have had. Yes I said conversations. Me and my daughter alone got through that and we will get through this.

 

To say my girlfriend needs to be understanding is odd since through this post I've been saying how understanding my girlfriend is. I'm am the one that feels it's bothering her.

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IMO you are doing exactly as you should which is correcting sassy behavior before it escalates into something more and before it becomes habit.

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Just a couple of things, robcris8079. I wanted to agree again with those that are saying you're a great dad! I think you are doing everything right. Please don't become worried by these post that talk of your daughters sassy behavior or nipping her behavior in the bud. She is only three! It seems that some people don't understand how three year olds act. Maybe they have limeted experience with young children. If she was a few years older, then I might be a little more concerned. You sound like your doing the right thing, so just keep doing what you're doing.

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