HYS Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 Is it weird that my BF son (8 years old) practically shares a room with him. I'm talking clothes, toys and books. My BF said that stems from his divorce and at that time it was easier for his son to cope. I'm not around other children so is this normal??? I also thought it was weird when my BF son had a friend over and all three of them slept in one room and I slept in another. Is that normal??? When his son has sleepovers, he doesn't do well and has to get picked up. It happened this weekend! I've mentioned the sleeping arrangements before and it usually results in a fight. He says his son is perfectly okay with sleeping in his own room....my question is, then why doesn't he do it. My BF and I do not sleep in the same room when his son is around, and reason is we are not married. I still think sharing a room with your son is wierd. Am I weird?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 Is it weird that my BF son (8 years old) practically shares a room with him. I'm talking clothes, toys and books. My BF said that stems from his divorce and at that time it was easier for his son to cope. I'm not around other children so is this normal??? I also thought it was weird when my BF son had a friend over and all three of them slept in one room and I slept in another. Is that normal??? When his son has sleepovers, he doesn't do well and has to get picked up. It happened this weekend! I've mentioned the sleeping arrangements before and it usually results in a fight. He says his son is perfectly okay with sleeping in his own room....my question is, then why doesn't he do it. My BF and I do not sleep in the same room when his son is around, and reason is we are not married. I still think sharing a room with your son is wierd. Am I weird?? I think you're reading way too much into this. Divorce is a chaotic, disruptive and disorienting experience for everyone involved, especially children. When dealing with a stressful situation like this, kids tend to cling and regress. Your attitude only adds more stress to the situation as you seem to want your BF to choose between you or his son. Tread lightly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BiAxident Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 My BF and I do not sleep in the same room when his son is around, and reason is we are not married. I still think sharing a room with your son is wierd. Am I weird?? No, you aren't weird, the sleeping arrangements are weird and IMHO may be a sign of emotional problems to come for this child. When I was young, I would sneak into my parents room at night and sleep on the floor next to their bed. Why? I felt safe and secure. Normal behavior perhaps at age 5, though I believe I did it until age 8 or so. That need to "seek out security" has haunted me into adulthood, and was part of the reason I lost my GF and wound up on this site in the first place. That's not to say that this kid is clinically depressed, but it certainly isn't a normal situation, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 a lot less weird than someone who encourages their 19 year old to sleep in the marital bed (he is an adult onset schizoid and this started after he had his first "episodes" requiring hospitalisation) Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 LOL, This is probably the 3rd or so time I've weighed in on similar situations. Yes, it's werd and it's not doing ANYONE any favors. As a single mom ( who breast fed up until the first B-day) I did have my daughter sleep with me in her younger years. By the time Kindergarten ( 5 yrs old) rolled around, it was time to sleep in her own room. There were some tears at first, but I would stay with her, read to her, until she was asleep, and after a while, it wasn't a big deal at all. The reason I am NOT dating my dear friend, a good looking doctor, is because his 11 yr old and 8 yr old sleep in his bed, while I go in the guest room. They are very spoiled in other ways too. Many kids go through divorce or WORSE, I think not aiding them in going through the developmetal stages is enabling and ultimately unhealthy. just my opinion ! ( again ) Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 I think you're reading way too much into this. Divorce is a chaotic, disruptive and disorienting experience for everyone involved, especially children. When dealing with a stressful situation like this, kids tend to cling and regress. Your attitude only adds more stress to the situation as you seem to want your BF to choose between you or his son. Tread lightly... Mr. Lucky Also, the two people I know who were wracked with guilt over their divorces and therefoe coddled their sons, now have sons in their 20's and mama is still paying their rent, bailing them out of their DUI's etc ! ENABLING HELPS NO ONE. My husband is DEAD because his mommy enabled him right into the grave !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Also, the two people I know who were wracked with guilt over their divorces and therefoe coddled their sons, now have sons in their 20's and mama is still paying their rent, bailing them out of their DUI's etc ! ENABLING HELPS NO ONE. My husband is DEAD because his mommy enabled him right into the grave !!!! Boy, is that a leap of faith !!! From comforting your child during a stressful transition to DUI's and lazy twenty-somethings. And then the next step is death? I never said anything about guilt. What I said was that divorce is hard on everyone involved, especially children. I'm not sure how ignoring their pain helps them to grow up to be responsible adults... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I don't have much of a problem with him sharing a bed with his 8 year old son, but I find it highly inappropriate for him to sleep in the room with his son and the friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I don't think this is weird. After my parents' split, my mom could only afford a two-bedroom apartment. The girls and mom in one room, and brother in the small room. That was it. If your bf is sharing a bed with his son, that's not weird either from where I come from. The kid is only 8 years' old. Now if he was 12 or older, then yeah, kind of strange. Not sharing a bedroom, but a bed. But it doesn't seem like your bf is sharing a bed with his son--is he? Still, the kid is 8. I don't see this as a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Hum... I think it could be 'normal' for a short period of time after the divorce.. if the child shows sign of disturbance.. but I think it is UNhealthy if it goes on and on.. the child needs to learn to cope with pain .. and the dad needs to help him with that. Maybe the child would benefit from counselling with a professional. I would question it even more.. as it is very unusual for the 3 of them (the kid and the friend) to sleep in the same room.. You know it's not written on anyone's forehead that they are pedophiles.. I'm not saying he is.. but he might be. I would question it and keep my eyes WIDE OPEN.. at all times. this guy is weird.. IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I don't have much of a problem with him sharing a bed with his 8 year old son, but I find it highly inappropriate for him to sleep in the room with his son and the friend. I thought the exact same thing. Does that kids parents know that he slept in the same bed? I would have a problem with that and not let my kid sleep over there anymore...... Anyway, his 8 year old son needs to learn to sleep on his own. I wonder though how much of this isn't about the son but about the dad. HE may feel comfy having his child in bed with him, maybe there's an issue there that needs to be addressed. It's one thing for him to wake up in the middle of the night and crawl into his dad's bed, that's normal for most little ones, but he really ought to be in his own bed, learning to feel safe in his own room. That's what tons of stuffed animals are for, night lights etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HYS Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Thank you for your responses as they are greatly appreciated. I'm sorry for not making the sleeping arrangements with his son's friend very clear, the friend slept on the floor but I still think it's strange. I completely understand the stress on a child after a divorce and parents doing whatever they can to make their child comfortable but he's been divorced for 3 years. I also understand financial difficulty but this is not the case in this situation (4 bedroom in the house). I completely agree it's unhealthy and at this age he should at least try to sleep in this own room. Our relationship is serious and absolutely wonderful and eventually we will get married. I want my transition into their home to be nonthreatening. The last thing I would want is his son to feel like he's getting kicked out of his room. How should I bring this up?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 How is his son with you in general? He obviously knows you and his dad are a couple. 3 years divorced and he is still allowing his son to sleep with him? I thought it was more recent. Enough is enough. He has to get his son to sleep alone, but if you tell him this, he'll just get angry and feel invaded. It was WRONG of him to sleep on the floor while his son had a sleepover with his friend. He should have slept in the same room as you. So you aren't living there fulltime, just having sleepovers on occasion? How long have you been with him? One last question - Sorry - But did you meet him while he was already divorced or was he in the process of divorcing while he was with you? If so, this might have something to do with what is happening now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HYS Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 How is his son with you in general? He obviously knows you and his dad are a couple. 3 years divorced and he is still allowing his son to sleep with him? I thought it was more recent. Enough is enough. He has to get his son to sleep alone, but if you tell him this, he'll just get angry and feel invaded. It was WRONG of him to sleep on the floor while his son had a sleepover with his friend. He should have slept in the same room as you. So you aren't living there fulltime, just having sleepovers on occasion? How long have you been with him? One last question - Sorry - But did you meet him while he was already divorced or was he in the process of divorcing while he was with you? If so, this might have something to do with what is happening now. His son and I get along great but as far as knowing we are a couple....I'm sure he knows but he has made it clear to me that I'm his dad's friend. I think that may be normal for an 8 year old but then again my BF and I had a conversation wondering if his son knows we are a couple. We assumed he must know and dropped the convo. My BF has his son 50% of the time and I only spend weekends there (so really 2 weekends of the month). I want to make sure he and his dad get alone time without me around. We've been dating for 1 1/2 yrs but we are casually looking for property together and plan on getting married in the near future. In the begining, I completely understand why we needed to sleep seperately but now....I'm not so sure. I agree this needs to change but it's such a touchy subject. Not sure exactly how to approach it??? P.S. When I met him, he'd been divorced for a littles less than2 years and seperated for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Just wanted to make sure you weren't part of the reason why he is divorced...... Well, gently talk to him about talking to his son about you. He needs to explain to his son that you are daddy's girlfriend and that you will be around more often. He also needs to let his ex-wife know as well. (She knows about you, I take it?) Don't assume he knows. Some 8 year old boys are clueless and especially at that age, dad having sex, let alone kissing, is gross to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HYS Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 Thanks for your advice and listening to me! Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Yeah, I showed my son a lot of affection after the divorce, but I would have felt COMPLETELY uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with him at that age. Sleeping together on the couch watching TV would be OK, but in the same bed would really bother me, regardless of the reason. I think there's a little security/anxiety issue with both the father and son right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I don't have much of a problem with him sharing a bed with his 8 year old son, but I find it highly inappropriate for him to sleep in the room with his son and the friend. I highly agree ! This smells like a warning flag coming out ....Something feels weird about how YOU have to sleep in another room. I WONDER if the OTHER kids parents know your guy is sleeping with THEIR SON ? NOT ! My kids did come into our room up until 5 years old and finally they stayed in their own. Note : They sneaked in after we fell asleep and we would find them at the foot of our bed. This all feels very weird to me....8 years old and ....Are you sure you know all about this guy ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 If you think your bf's situation is weird, I have an even weirder one for you. My cousin voluntarily shared a bed with her father (my uncle) up until she was about 10 or 11 years old. Weird right? My mother would have a cow every time we'd sleep over their house and her niece was in her brother's bed. My aunt would sleep in my cousin's bed or on the couch. Sick right? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I smell * Pedophile * all over the place here...regarding the OP's situation. I bet if you ask a criminal profiler what he thought about dad sleeping with his 8 year old son in the same bed and the wife/gf has to sleep in another room ...come on ! And another kid is invited into the mix.....huh uh.... I am not talking about kids who have bad dreams or kids who try to sneak into their parents rooms. They can do this up to 8 years old but most stop at around 5. Why does the OP allow herself with a GROWN man to sleep in another room ? How often do you guys get intimate ? , I'm curious to ask because if you are sleeping alone in his house , where is the intimacy ? Big Red Flag ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HYS Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Hi everyone! Sorry it's taking me so long to respond. I can assure you my BF is not a pedofile but I can understand where you are coming from. This situation is just weird all around and there are times it really gets underneath my skin so I'm really glad I can vent to my LS friends. The reason my BF and I don't sleep together is because we are not married and doesn't want his son to get the wrong impression. I completely disagree with his philosophy b/c we've been together for 1 1/2 yrs and we are serious. I know he is very sensitive about this subject so somehow last week, it came up in conversation casually. I asked him why he doesn't have his son sleep in his own room. He said that if he asked his son to sleep in his own room, he would do it without a problem...........my response was WHY DONT YOU DO IT THEN!!! He thinks it really doesn't matter where his son sleeps. He also mentioned one of his friends kids slept in the room with them until they were in high school! I almost dropped dead when I heard that! I didn't want to continue the conversation b/c I didn't know how I was feeling. I tried to put myself in the shoes of a mother and asked myself, if my 8 year old child was sleeping with me would I accept it....the answer was/is NO! He's great in every which way except this sleeping thing!! Do I have to pick my battles??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HYS Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 If you think your bf's situation is weird, I have an even weirder one for you. My cousin voluntarily shared a bed with her father (my uncle) up until she was about 10 or 11 years old. Weird right? My mother would have a cow every time we'd sleep over their house and her niece was in her brother's bed. My aunt would sleep in my cousin's bed or on the couch. Sick right? Weird..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Hi everyone! Sorry it's taking me so long to respond. I can assure you my BF is not a pedofile but I can understand where you are coming from. This situation is just weird all around and there are times it really gets underneath my skin so I'm really glad I can vent to my LS friends. The reason my BF and I don't sleep together is because we are not married and doesn't want his son to get the wrong impression. I completely disagree with his philosophy b/c we've been together for 1 1/2 yrs and we are serious. I know he is very sensitive about this subject so somehow last week, it came up in conversation casually. I asked him why he doesn't have his son sleep in his own room. He said that if he asked his son to sleep in his own room, he would do it without a problem...........my response was WHY DONT YOU DO IT THEN!!! He thinks it really doesn't matter where his son sleeps. He also mentioned one of his friends kids slept in the room with them until they were in high school! I almost dropped dead when I heard that! I didn't want to continue the conversation b/c I didn't know how I was feeling. I tried to put myself in the shoes of a mother and asked myself, if my 8 year old child was sleeping with me would I accept it....the answer was/is NO! He's great in every which way except this sleeping thing!! Do I have to pick my battles??? There is a HUGE FIRE of alarms going off here and you need to HEAR them ! Why would a dad , an adult , want an 8 year old in his bed , while he makes his girlfriend sleep outside of the bedroom ??? You MAY be convinced everything is OKAY but I urge you to contact a Counselor where you can ask anonymously what the Counselor thinks is going on. Denial denial ! Micheal Jackson was 45 years old and had a 5 year old child in his bed ( it was NOT his child ) I ask the readers would you let your 45 year old uncle sleep with the neighbors kindergardener kid ? Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 This really should be talked about soon. This is not normal behavior at all. I won custody of my stepson when he was 9(11 now). One of the things listed by social services as a reason for concern was he had told them he usually slept in his mothers bed even though he had his own room. This was not a concern of pedophilia, but more so of stunting him emotionally which it did. This is going to make it hard for your bfs son to grow up. And if social services has a problem with this type of thing then so should you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HYS Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 This really should be talked about soon. This is not normal behavior at all. I won custody of my stepson when he was 9(11 now). One of the things listed by social services as a reason for concern was he had told them he usually slept in his mothers bed even though he had his own room. This was not a concern of pedophilia, but more so of stunting him emotionally which it did. This is going to make it hard for your bfs son to grow up. And if social services has a problem with this type of thing then so should you. Your situation is really interesting to me. Would you mind sharing with me the thought process of the social worker so I could use it as a reason when talking to my BF. I've done some research on why children should not sleep with their parents but couldn't find any evidence it was harmful. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
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