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Trouble in Paradise


fairy

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My husband and I have been married now for a year and a half. Prior to that we dated for 5 years. So here's the problem. We are having major disagreements over parenting our 10 year old son from a previous relationship of mine. My husband has been a very active in the parenting decisions since early in our relationship. I have no problem with him being a part of it all. I do feel however that he spends more time trying to discipline than bond. After 6 and a half years I feel as if their relationship is lacking. We have discussed this and he was raised in a less emotional family than mine. My family hugs and touches and his doesn't....ever. I have come to the realization that he may never have the relationship that I would like him to with his step-son. I do feel however that this causes some issues with him wanting to discipline him. We have a system that we use "as a team" to handle issues that come up, allowance for completing chores, and a reward system for positive reinforcement when he does well. I feel like we have a good thing going....until....something happens that my husband doesn't like and then the system is a failure as he says and he wants to instill a punishment for a slight act. For example....last night a light was left on in a room that our son left. He was questioned by my husband as to why it was left on, our son replied because...a bit of an attitude..worth being punished for probably not...he was told to turn it off and he did. I'm thinking minor issue deserves minor response. An hour went by and I called him from his room to come tell me what he wanted on his burger for supper....no response...I called again...no response....I then went into his room to get him frustrated that he was ignoring me but also feeling a bit at fault for not going to him originally to make sure that our communication was clear...no big deal he came and ate....minor issue right? I had frustration over these things but not anger. Things are not always going to go perfectly. Well, after eating and getting ready for bed...oh did I mention that this was a friday night? My husband then instructed him to go to bed at 8:30...at this point I was playing with our son on the computer. This is his bedtime during the week. We have a nice routine...but on the weekends we normally allow him to stay up a little later...it is the weekend...we all get to relax a little. After telling him to go to bed, I went to my husband and asked him why he felt it was necessary. He got REALLY mad because I questioned his authority and didn't stand behind him could I not understand that he was punishing our son for having an attitude and not answering me. I of course had now ruined it because our son was aware that I was questioning my husband....as stated by my husband. Thing is that I know it could've been handled differently. I felt like he wanted to punish him for something that didn't justify punishment. I also feel like sometimes he lets his personal feelings get in the way. He became angry and offended during the course of the night instead of just realizing that the world was not going to end because of the course of the night. Am I wrong for not wanting to punish him for this? Sometimes I do let my heart get in the way of dealing with situations with our son. This is one of many situations and I feel like sometimes he's just trying to shove his power around, but I may be wrong. Does anyone have advice for me to help him deal and for myself to make changes to get over minor situations like this one? He's not speaking to me today and I really don't want little things like this to come between us. I know he feels like I anm taking sides and not being on his team. Little problem today...major problem tomorrow. Please any comments, advice, suggestions????

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My first reaction isn't very helpful probably, but sheesh, your husband sounds like a bit of a control freak!

 

A light left on is something to freak out about? Just flick it off and get on with life.

 

However, I agree with him that it isn't good to discuss or question parenting decisions in front of your son because he should see you as a united front (unless your h. does something really extreme that you just can't stand by and watch.)

 

And I can see that maybe he is trying to discipline your son for his attitude, rather than for these relatively minor transgressions. If so, that should be made clear to your son and you.

 

Maybe you and your h. could work out a system whereby if your son talks back a certain number of times or ignores you, he gets a set consequence. That way the relationship between the crime and the punishment is perfectly clear.

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Control freak comes to mind here also, not only towards the children but towards you...what gives him the right to decide discipline on his own? Also anger issues. I feel sorry for the kids really...

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