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father and 3 yrs old daugther


mch0214

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I love my husband and I do care abt him. he is going thru depression and i have been there for him , give him plenty of supports but it is soo exhausting to keep up with him ...he keeps going down...we have seen therpay...even with family counseling. Plus it is so hard to keep head up especially for two little ones, my daughter - 3 yrs old and my baby son, 1 yrs old. I don't know where I am heading...soo hard...:(

 

My 3 yrs old daughter does not love him that much. They do not get along well because he oftens yell at her, pinch her, all that.

 

I am so torn between my daugther and him.

what do you suggset? thought of getting seperation in order to give himself some space and give my kids a safe environment...but i am afraid to head that direction.... HELP :(

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thank you for getting back to me.

 

The direction...is to go for seperation but then i am afraid he might go into suicide which he often think about it. i am soo helpless. All I think it would be better if he have some space to think about what have been happening and all. Plus my kids really needs a safe and happy enivornement. My 3 yrs old is starting to show a little side of depression.

 

I am trying to figure..

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Please google depression fallout.

 

You have to think of your child first right now, and hopefully your husband is getting the help he needs. Meds and therapy. Some people have their depressed spouses check into in clinic weekly, and they come home on weekends until they're able to function more normally at home. Look into this, talk to the dr's.

 

Your child is reacting to what is going on around him/her. Depression is so hard on the person suffering from it, but it's also a living hell for those who have to live with a person who has it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
They do not get along well because he oftens yell at her, pinch her, all that.

 

 

I can sort of excuse the yelling, assuming it was provoked. It's not good, but excusable. But pinching? i guess it depends on how he is doing it, but it sounds like child abuse to me.

 

When you make your decision about separating from your husband don't just think about him becoming suicidal but about how this sort of treatment will effect you children as they develop psychologically. Remember that your husband is an adult so anything he does will be out of his free will, but your children depend on you for their protection and you are the only one who can help them avoid the emotional problems that will come from living with an abusive father. In my opinion your children's welfare is more important than anything, even a spouse.

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I would think about my child first. I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my child. He abused me, not my son. But I felt I couldn't take it anymore because my son saw all of it happening. I'm not saying your husband is abusive. I don't really know what you mean with pinching. He might feel depressed but that's still no reason to yell at your daughter. Talk to him. Move away for a while. Let him see what he'd miss. Maybe then he'll notice what a great family and daughter he has, and he'll try to change for himself. At least that's what I would do. You don't have to move out permenantly, you could say that you two need some space.

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I agree with the rest, your children and yourself must come first.

 

Look, depression for a 3 year old is a VERY serious thing...and him pinching her is a form of physical abuse, yelling - verbal abuse (I'm assuming the pinching is not done in fun).

 

Unlike children, adults have a choice...and being depressed or sick or whatever is no excuse to give others a hard time

 

Just think about this...the environment your children are raised in will affect them for life and will have a great influence on defining who they will be as persons...

 

As for the suicide...well boo hoo, abusers threaten suicide all the time to keep people from leaving them...I really doubt he would actually do it ( unless he's made serious attempts in the past it's all talk). Even if he does do it, you can't let yourself and your children be basically hostages to someone that treats you like crap because they threaten to kill themselves

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mch0214,

 

I know you love your H, but if his behavior is affecting your child(ren), then I would consider leaving (or having him leave). My H was very abused as a kid and gave me all sorts of sob stories about his horrible childhood only to turn around and verbally assault me and the kids and eventually slap, hit, and kick us when he got angry. He would blame his behavior on his childhood, on me, on our kids, but never took responsibility for making the decisions he made. After 6 years enduring this, the kids and I are leaving. I did love my H very much and still love him in the way someone loves a helpless animal. He is very hurt, bitter, resentful, etc, and will never be able to understand why we are leaving him. He has guilt-tripped me and threatened to drown his sorrow in drugs.... I have come to the conclusion that he is an adult and must learn to deal with his own problems. I can't help him overcome his past by being nice to him and taking care of him. Nothing I do has helped him change.

Anyway, it took me a long time to come to the conclusion that he was abusive. It all started out slowly and became normal to me (this is common in abusive situations). There is no reason that I know of for an adult to constantly yell at a child or ESPECIALLY pinch a child. This may seem normal to you now, as the hitting, slapping, and kicking seemed normal to me a year ago. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! My husband tried to convince me that all (or at least 90%) of marriages involve name-calling and occasional physical violence. For awhile I accepted this as true. Then I came to the conclusion that it is not true. And, now my conclusion is: even if most marriages involved verbal and physical violence, why would I want to be in this kind of marriage? I would surely rather be alone.

As for the suicide threats, they could or could not be serious. Here are some stats: if he has attempted suicide w/in the last year, there is a 33% chance he'll try it again. If he's only threatened, there is less than a 10% chance he'll attempt it. But you certainly should not feel guilty for leaving this man who is abusing your daughter and affecting her self-esteem. Contact a mental health professional to discuss your situation, especially if you plan on leaving your husband. I feel so bad for you. Just know that your H is NOT your responsibility, especially if he is abusive. It's hard not to feel guilty, but think of how H's actions could affect your daughter. Do you want your kids to grow up to think that yelling all the time and pinching are normal acceptable things to do when they get mad? Have you talked to your H about how his behavior is affecting your daughter? Does he seem to care or think about what he is doing to her?

I hope that your situation gets better. I will be thinking about you.

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