The thing I hate most about step families happened...

[almostthere]

We (me, my two kids and live in bf) went to my families house for a gathering and my daughter's bday party.

 

We got home later then I wanted to on a Sunday night and our bed needed the sheet put back on since i didnt have a chance to do it earlier in the day and the kids needed to find pajamas and get into bed and have their sheets put back on. It was 9pm and normal bedtime is 8pm.

 

I have never really heard or seen any actions from my bf that my kids were not his so he wont act like it. he has always been pretty good about that.

 

But as I was busy with the kids for 20 minutes trying to get al the bedtime stuff done my bf just laid in our bed.

 

I went in there when I was done and he jokingly said that took you long enough. I said well there was a lot to be done. He said something to the effect of thats what is nice about not being their dad. I could just go lay down. and then...if those were my kids it would have been different...I would have helped.

 

I just looked at him and thought wow...a slap in the face would have hurt less. But i said you know...at some point it would be nice of you to consider the responsiblity of them to be yours. then i just laid down. We didnt say much after that to each other. I dont think he knew I was mad. I know they are not his kids. I guess its true...he is really just there for me. That really hurt to have him remind of such.

 

I guess I am not going to find my idea of a perfect dad or father figure for them. He is perfect for me but not my idea of perfect for them. He is a good example for them but with that mindset it just really hurt me to know that if they were his kids then he would feel he needed to help out more.

 

Please dont get me wrong. He is very involved (or as involved as he can be with the hours he works).

[Buttaflyy]

We (me, my two kids and live in bf) went to my families house for a gathering and my daughter's bday party.

 

We got home later then I wanted to on a Sunday night and our bed needed the sheet put back on since i didnt have a chance to do it earlier in the day and the kids needed to find pajamas and get into bed and have their sheets put back on. It was 9pm and normal bedtime is 8pm.

 

I have never really heard or seen any actions from my bf that my kids were not his so he wont act like it. he has always been pretty good about that.

 

But as I was busy with the kids for 20 minutes trying to get al the bedtime stuff done my bf just laid in our bed.

 

I went in there when I was done and he jokingly said that took you long enough. I said well there was a lot to be done. He said something to the effect of thats what is nice about not being their dad. I could just go lay down. and then...if those were my kids it would have been different...I would have helped.

 

I just looked at him and thought wow...a slap in the face would have hurt less. But i said you know...at some point it would be nice of you to consider the responsiblity of them to be yours. then i just laid down. We didnt say much after that to each other. I dont think he knew I was mad. I know they are not his kids. I guess its true...he is really just there for me. That really hurt to have him remind of such.

 

I guess I am not going to find my idea of a perfect dad or father figure for them. He is perfect for me but not my idea of perfect for them. He is a good example for them but with that mindset it just really hurt me to know that if they were his kids then he would feel he needed to help out more.

 

Please dont get me wrong. He is very involved (or as involved as he can be with the hours he works).

 

 

I know that hurt. I've got something pretty similar from my SO. We were discussing discipline for my daughter, he thinks I'm too lenient while I think that he can do more with rewarding her for trying. He then said that I "reward and spoil" her too much. I made a comment to him telling him that sometimes I think about how difficult it would be for me to be the mother of his child because we see things very differently. He said out and out "no if it was my kid, I'd be much more lenient"... WTF??? I couldn't believe he said that. He said that it came out the wrong way and that what he meant was he'd be much more lenient with a baby. He said he couldn't have meant it the way I took it, as his daughter is the same age as mine and he's the same way with her.

 

I used to have the same issue with sharing responsibility. I work, and go to college, he realized one day (after me telling him) that I just might need help sometimes with the house and my daughter. He works very long hours too, much more than me, but we help each other.

 

Have you talked to your SO about this? I think you need to talk to him and also get a better understanding in the role he is willing to play in your kid's lives.

[almostthere]

Well...I havent talked to him about what he said on Sunday. In the beginning of our relationship he would say that his 18 year old stepson was not his kid so he didnt care. This put up red flags everywhere for me but his stepson also was always disrespectful of him. Reminding him everytime he tried to correct him that he is not his dad.

 

But i have raised my children better then to say that even if they think it at times. You know the old if you dont have something nice to say, dont say it at all.

 

I know i have to talk to him about it. And i fully plan on it. We have been putting off 3 very important conversations becuase he hasnt been getting home until after 10 pm from work. That is just not the right time. However...they got slow at work and he may be home by the time i get there. tonight may be a good night for a heart to heart. When it comes to me and my kids I really dont just let things slide. I am not mean about it but i do approach the conversation. I dont like surprises much.

 

I know this is a personal question so you dont have to answer it but do you feel close to his daughter? I know you can never love another child like your own but do feelings eventually grow for them? And does his daughter live with you?

[hotgurl]

The more I read about you and this guy I really have started to wonder how compatable you guys are.

 

How do you feel about his kids? Do you feel equal responsibility? I think it is crappy tht he said that and I would be hurt as well. My BF treats my daughter like she is hisand he has even said he considers her his daughter and I wouldn't settle for anything less.

 

How long have you've been dating?

[almostthere]

we have been dating a little over a year but were friends before that for about 6 months or so.

 

The problem is is that we are very compatable. if no children or exwife was in the picture we would be a perfect fit. The exwife is not an issue anymore...THANK GOD!!!

 

As far as his kids go...I just decided that i need to step back a little. I was trying to suggest ways to better their lives but no one is listening and I am getting frustrated becuase neither one is doing a dam bit of good for their kids. their kids are greety, self absorbed and completely ignored by their mom which leads them to seek negative attention because thats all they can get. I went out and bought his two daughters new coats because his youngest had a winter coat that didnt zip and looked like it was rolled through the dirt. his oldest just had an old faded coat that was fighting a bit tight. This was above and beyond the child support we pay weekly and we cannot afford to do things like that. I felt (or still do feel) a great responsiblity for his kids wellbeing. They are overweight and no one wants to help them. they just let the two girls eat bags of chips whenever, two adult portions of dinner (they are only 9 and 8 yrs old, their mom works at a candy factory and brings home copy paper boxes of chocolate chip cookies and 5 lb bags of mini candy bars. They go through 5lbs of candy in 3 days. Thats almost a half pound of candy a day each between the three of them. His 9 yr old wears 14/16 jeans and tops already. Its just so unhealthy for these kids. See then I start thinking like this and get angry at her parenting and thats why i decided i need to step down.

 

So...in short I felt very responsible. After all none of this is the kids fault.

 

Now where was I going with all of this? I kinda went off rambling.

 

Are second marriages more about the SO or the SO and the kids?

 

Maybe I just have this all wrong.

[Buttaflyy]

I know this is a personal question so you dont have to answer it but do you feel close to his daughter? I know you can never love another child like your own but do feelings eventually grow for them? And does his daughter live with you?

 

His daughter does not live with us. She lives in another state with her mom and visits in the summer. I feel as if I can only be but so close to her because of that, but I do speak to her often and she has felt comfortable enough to confide in me about certain things and ask me for advice. I think he feels guilty because his daughter is so far away and my daughter is with us everyday. I started thinking more about this thread and his comment and I remember that he pointed out to me what you said here something along the lines of..."every parents love for their own child is always stronger". I didn't take too kindly when he said it, but I know it to be true. It was more of the audacity of him saying it outright that bothered me. I overlooked it because of his actions with my daughter. He is a parent to her more than her own dad and they have a great bond. I've also made a similar comment to him before in the heat of an argument.

 

I think you need to express these feelings of yours to your SO. I know you said that you will and I also know the battle of being true to your kids and the doubts that come along. I'm a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. Feel free to PM me if you like.

[almostthere]

Thanks buttaflyy. I do want to talk to him but he got called into work just now and we wont be able to again. Maybe i shoudl just say something over the phone or when he gets home. I really need to move this along.

 

It's just so sad for me to think that the man who loves my kids the most and that my kids love the most cannot be in their lives everyday. this is never what i wanted. the divorce was my choice but i was mentally and physically abused. What was i supposed to do? I think every once in awhile (mostly when i am feeling down) that i should try to work it out with my ex. but i know it can never work because it never did I was just too young and blind to see the signs early on before we had kids. I was dating him since i was 15. of course he was different back then. Then we had our son when i was 18. i was no where near old enough to be able to make the decisions i did. oh well...water under the bridge. he seems to be a good dad now and we are friends again and talk for about 30 mins week. which i think is healthy for the kids.

 

I feel so disconnected from his kids. Sometimes I dread weekends. Its just that i live in a small 2 bedroom condo and then 7 people have to occupy it for 24 hours. It has been a complete lifestyle change. I try to be good to his kids. I compliment them and tell them their drawings are very good. I feed them right and keep them happy. I buy a movie or rent one for sleepovers at our house and listen to what they want so i buy the right gifts. I play with his daughters hair while we are standing in line. his youngest daughter has really become attached to me. she holds my hand 100% of the time. His oldest is just a little more shy but always hugs me and talks to me. His son holds my hand a lot and kisses it or rubs it against his cheek while we are walking around. So i know i am doing good. its just really hard for me to get to feeling that way about them. They generally dont listen to us and they dont know how to behave that great in public. his youngest daughter hates my son and calls him names. we correct her of course. I mean there is just so many kids now. my ex and i decided only to have two children. until i met my bf i have only dated a guy with one kid at most and that was great. this is all new to me. sometimes i secretly wish he would turn into a jerk and then i could have a reason to leave. it just seems like a lot for me.

 

i do remind myself though that the kids are only over every other weekend (except the past 10 weekends we have had them every weekend) and that maybe i am doing something good for them by being there and showing them kindness and caring.

 

I dont know. I feel like inside of biting off more then i can chew i shoved the whole dam thing in my mouth!!

[hotgurl]

I thought you guys were thinking about getting full custody because of his ex.

 

Well I am sure you are great together but it's all the other stuff the eventually weighs on the relationship. the ex, the kids, the fact that you don't want anymore and he does.

 

My BF and I have been together 5 years and I know the first year or so of living together he was just forming a relationship with my daughter. He was more of a friend and not a dad but now he is more of a dad and loves her a lot. But it took time and IMO that the fact that bio father is not there makes my BF feel like he isn't stepping of anyones toes.

[Buttaflyy]

Thanks buttaflyy. I do want to talk to him but he got called into work just now and we wont be able to again. Maybe i shoudl just say something over the phone or when he gets home. I really need to move this along.

 

It's just so sad for me to think that the man who loves my kids the most and that my kids love the most cannot be in their lives everyday. this is never what i wanted. the divorce was my choice but i was mentally and physically abused. What was i supposed to do? I think every once in awhile (mostly when i am feeling down) that i should try to work it out with my ex. but i know it can never work because it never did I was just too young and blind to see the signs early on before we had kids. I was dating him since i was 15. of course he was different back then. Then we had our son when i was 18. i was no where near old enough to be able to make the decisions i did. oh well...water under the bridge. he seems to be a good dad now and we are friends again and talk for about 30 mins week. which i think is healthy for the kids.

 

I feel so disconnected from his kids. Sometimes I dread weekends. Its just that i live in a small 2 bedroom condo and then 7 people have to occupy it for 24 hours. It has been a complete lifestyle change. I try to be good to his kids. I compliment them and tell them their drawings are very good. I feed them right and keep them happy. I buy a movie or rent one for sleepovers at our house and listen to what they want so i buy the right gifts. I play with his daughters hair while we are standing in line. his youngest daughter has really become attached to me. she holds my hand 100% of the time. His oldest is just a little more shy but always hugs me and talks to me. His son holds my hand a lot and kisses it or rubs it against his cheek while we are walking around. So i know i am doing good. its just really hard for me to get to feeling that way about them. They generally dont listen to us and they dont know how to behave that great in public. his youngest daughter hates my son and calls him names. we correct her of course. I mean there is just so many kids now. my ex and i decided only to have two children. until i met my bf i have only dated a guy with one kid at most and that was great. this is all new to me. sometimes i secretly wish he would turn into a jerk and then i could have a reason to leave. it just seems like a lot for me.

 

i do remind myself though that the kids are only over every other weekend (except the past 10 weekends we have had them every weekend) and that maybe i am doing something good for them by being there and showing them kindness and caring.

 

I dont know. I feel like inside of biting off more then i can chew i shoved the whole dam thing in my mouth!!

 

Oh yes, I remember your other post concerning the kids. Well, first off I think you already know you made a good choice concerning the divorce. So many mothers think that they should stick around for the kids when in reality, they are better off in a happier enviornment. Abuse is never to be excepted and instead of staying to keep the family together, you'd actually be depriving all of you from a healthy family life.

 

Your situation now is a really big responsibility, and I can see that even for a short time it would be overwhelming. Whew, I commend you actually. I guess you just have to decide if it's the right place for you. If you can "get used" to having a much larger family than you anticipated. I'd have to admit that it might be a bit much for me myself. But then again, I understand where you must be conflicting with yourself about leaving the one that you love.

 

You probably are doing a lot of good for them, they sound happy with you and their dad. How are your kids' feelings toward him? Does he take any special time out for them at all, or show them any kind of special attention?

[Buttaflyy]

But it took time and IMO that the fact that bio father is not there makes my BF feel like he isn't stepping of anyones toes.

 

I think this is a good point Hotgurl. Sometimes men do feel this way and they don't want to replace the biological father.

[almostthere]

Well...he has been getting home after bedtime (even for me sometimes) and they dont see him through the week much. On the weekends we have had all 5 kids so there hasnt been any alone time with him and my two for about 2 months. Unfortunately this weighs heavy on my heart because they are awesome kids and deserve it. not that there really has been time. I still do pay a great deal of attention to mine whether his are there or not (but never make it seem like his are left out). I just get from my daughter she is unhappy but wont tell me why. Shes only 6 and may not be able to express what she is feeling in words yet. Or worse...she doesnt want to hurt my feelings. However...my ex and i talk a lot and have been doing an excellent job at coparenting so he would have told me if she said something negative about her home life. Nothing yet...

 

I guess sometimes (most of the time even though i dont want to admit it) he is there way more for me then them. Our condo is undergoing a remodel still because we have had to stop when all the kids are there. it has taken us 3 months to get less then half way done. its horrible. and we have had to take a 2 month break because we have had all the kids every weekend. his kids will get into the paint and tools. he needs to use a tile cutter...I am a bit worried about that around his kids. Anyway, he pays attention to them sort of. he is the very typical homer simpson type dad. sits on the couch after dinner and nothing else. I am the very typical...i dont even know a character I resemble but i believe in family dinners around the dinner table, no tv on during dinner, set bed time and homework time. game night and movie night. I am jut trying to spend some quality time as a family. When it comes to family time i kinda feel its just us three still.

 

The nice thing is is that i was honest with him and told him i didnt want to marry yet or get engaged (i kinda found out about that being a christmas present for me). i told him we needed to have a long talk about things first and that i wasnt sure i could handle or be the best mom to 5 kids. i dont know if that was wrong or hurtful but i do know it was honest.

[hotgurl]

I am the very typical...i dont even know a character I resemble but i believe in family dinners around the dinner table, no tv on during dinner, set bed time and homework time. game night and movie night. I am jut trying to spend some quality time as a family. When it comes to family time i kinda feel its just us three still.

 

I do that too. I love it. I really need to do more of it.

You both need to be on the same page about parenting etc... Or else there will be a lot of problems.

 

I think this issue is indicative of other issues you guys are having. it just seems like your not on the same page.

[Buttaflyy]

The nice thing is is that i was honest with him and told him i didnt want to marry yet or get engaged (i kinda found out about that being a christmas present for me). i told him we needed to have a long talk about things first and that i wasnt sure i could handle or be the best mom to 5 kids. i dont know if that was wrong or hurtful but i do know it was honest.

 

It was honest and correct if that's how you feel. He should be the first to know.

[almostthere]

No we are so not on the same page. Things are improving...teh job situation hinders it a little but we need the money right now.

 

he was a very opposite parent before i met him then i am. I never thought we would fall in love like this so i ignored it to a point.

 

according to him...so i know to be true...he had an aweful marriage (how three kids come from an "aweful marriage" is beyond me) and he wasnt home way too much. he used to smoke pot as a dad which no offense if any of you do I absolutely cannot tolerate. he put in a special vent system so the kids couldnt smell it. he used to have parties and live in a housing development that had cocaine dealers selling right outside his house. he drank a lot and well when you factor all that in how much of a good parent could he have been? his exw was exactly the same.

 

Then he meets me and in our friendship stage i tell him there is no way with his habits being what they are that i would ever date him. so he cleaned up and through a lot of talking and couching we have worked together to get him this far. he has actually thanked me for helping him turn his life around. which was nice to hear but its been hard work on both our parts. he no longer does any of the things that he used to and is a great person now. well has been since we started dating. sometimes i still hate how he was towards his kids but that was between him and his exw and what they thought was appropriate in parenting.

 

I just made him sound really bad didnt I? he is not like that anymore and only has one bad influence friend left but my bf knows this guy is not allowed over when the kids are home. he is not someone i feel i want my kids around. he is really nice and all but talks about his sex life and uses slang terms and wants to swear all the time. i guess i am very picky. but i think that is good.

[tanbark813]

Hmmm.. As a guy, I'd be pretty uncomfortable stepping in and playing Dad for my gf's kids before getting married. A year together isn't all that long. I mean, if you guys have been talking about marriage and are really serious, then I guess I can see expecting him to help out.

 

I once was dating a girl with a kid. We were only dating for about 3 months or so but by then she started making references to me eventually having to take responsibility for her daughter. That freaked me out and I ended up ending not much later. It was like finding a surrogate father was more important than the person who was actually filling that role.

[almostthere]

well...we were talking about getting married. until i said i need more time recently.

 

they have a really good dad right now i dont need anyone to play dad. i just need someone to play with them and show them that they like them too. as far as responsibilities go with the kids...he could have at least offered to help. he could have pulled the sheets out from the laundry bags or made our bed. he could have just not said anything because i didnt care until he made the comment about them not being his kids and if they were he would do more. that was not called for since i never asked him to do anything.

 

we went ring shopping not that long ago. but the pressure of becoming a step parent, going to college, working fulltime and being a mom of two of my own not to mention have another person living with me has really been stressing me out. i am just not sure this is for me.

 

honestly i dont want a dad for them. i guess i just want the person i love to show some sort of interest in my kids life. a simple hi...how was your day at school at the dinner table would be awesome and look at them in the face not over their shoulder at the tv.