Follow up on my custody loss two years ago.

[Kenyth]

I know I said I couldn't post here anymore to avoid hurting my wife's feelings, but this isn't about her and it's a follow up to a previous story I posted. So I'm sure she won't mind me venting a little.

 

 

To make a long story short, I lost custody of my son two years back. Some of you may remember the post. He was about 13 at the time. One of the main reasons for my ex getting custody, was the fact that I moved about 30 miles away to be in a better area nearer to my job. She was staying in the same area and swore she and her husband were there for the long haul, near all of my son's family and friends. Two years later, she is proven a liar and there's NOTHING I can do about it. About one year after getting custody, she sold her home and moved to a different one. Larger and in a better area. I was led to believe they had purchased that home. That's not the case. They were renting! One year after that, I get a notice of intent to move three states away to her husbands home town area! He already has employment down there. I'm fairly certain they knew they were going to try to move back as far as the original custody hearing. Now, here's the kicker. You want to know what legal recourse I have? None! It doesn't matter. Unless I can win back custody, which is a shot in the dark at this point, I'm just screwed.

 

Getting custody back is probably nothing but damaging him more anyway. What good could I do besides throw his life in upheaval? He's been out of sports since he moved back in with her and it's too late to change that now. The key development years are past. His grades aren't great and he hasn't been tutored since moving in with her. Once again, the years for developing key skills are past also. I mean, he's not stupid and failing, but he'll never excel now. Even with extra effort on our part. It would be an uphill battle and make him miserable trying to get him back to the way he was. He was only that way for a year, so it's impossible to prove. All I know is he was wearing designer clothes, sporting a fashionable conservative haircut, playing a good game of soccer while interested in other sports, and his last report card had improved to A's and B's when we had him last. Since moving in with her, he runs with a different crowd and dresses quite differently. Nothing awful mind you, but I feel he could have been so much more with better guidance. Anyway, like I said, I think those key early personality formation years are past, and even if I could get him, trying to force him back into that mold he left would probably be a miserable process for him.

 

Maybe I can get them to be responsible for all the travel, but it's unlikely since I'm not destitute. That's not really a main point of concern anyhow. My relationship with him is. Sure, maybe I'll get one year or two of seeing him three times a year for long periods, but that will change. He'll start driving, he'll get a girlfriend, he'll get a part-time or full-time job, and then I'll become a bothersome interference in his life. What the hell, right? My relationship with him is already getting distant anyway. We're nowhere near as close as we used to be. My weekend visitations are already a chore for him. He's bored because he doesn't have a circle of friends here. He certainly won't be getting any now that he'll be scarce. I'm totally disgusted by this whole thing. Between this and my parents and siblings disowning me, it's enough to bring a person to tears.

 

At least I've still got my wife and baby boy, huh? Long live our wonderful legal system and the preferential treatment of mothers everywhere.

[Kenyth]

Do you think it would be a problem for him if we move him to the guest bedroom when he visits now? He'll have all the same amenities his room has, except the minimal teen decorating (I lost custody shortly after moving in to the new home, so he never really made up his room). It will just free up a room and allow his baby brother, who lives there full time, to have the big bedroom (He's a toddler now). It will otherwise really irk me to see his room gathering dust unused except for three times a year, and remind me of the situation. We have talked before about it eventually happening, but that wasn't supposed to be for some years yet.

[Craig]

Given that he is in the midst of his teen rebellion years I don't know how much you can blame your ex for his changes. Yeah her moving sucks but that's how things happen sometimes.

 

So your teenage son is bored to tears when he comes to visit now? Isn't that just normal for a teen not to want to do anything with their parents while they are going through that rebellious stage?

[Kenyth]

Given that he is in the midst of his teen rebellion years I don't know how much you can blame your ex for his changes. Yeah her moving sucks but that's how things happen sometimes.

 

So your teenage son is bored to tears when he comes to visit now? Isn't that just normal for a teen not to want to do anything with their parents while they are going through that rebellious stage?

 

A parent has more control over how their kids turn out than you might think. It takes work though. You just control their environment and peer group as best you can. Add guidance and discipline to that. The thing is, you have to start grooming good habits in the earlier years (about 10-12yrs). Trying to change a late teen is almost impossible. As far as the bored thing goes, you're right. It is pretty normal for his age. He's pretty much given up all other interests in the pursuit of a fun peer group and girls.

[quankanne]

You want to know what legal recourse I have?

 

from what I understand, once the kid reaches a certain age (teen years, I think), he or she can decide which parent to live with.

 

talk to the boy, see if he's happy with the living arrangements now, then – if you and your current wife agree – let him know he can come live with you if he'd like.

[kjl933]

Typically a judge will consider a request from a minor once they reach 14

[Guest]

Typically a judge will consider a request from a minor once they reach 14

 

Yes, they will. But it doesn't tend to work out to the non-custodials advantage anyway unless the kid hates his parent or step parent. Typically, a child will want to please the parent he's living with and want to stay where he's established. Who want's to willingly throw their life into upheaval? When he was with us, he wanted to stay with us. Now that he's with them, it's them. Not to mention the fact that he gets to do a lot more of what he wants there. A more discilplined environment isn't exactly sought after by teens.

 

I'm starting to come to terms with it now. I'm just very upset at the lying and it's results. I moved back from that area originally to be closer to him and the rest of my family. Now, I'm established here and he's going back. I made a lot of mistakes that opened myself up for this. As a custodial father, you have to tread very carefully. As my attorney put it, all other things being considered equal, the mother will usually get the child in a custody suit.

 

That's why you see so many fathers taking care of their kids and not demanding child support. We live in fear of the ex-wives for good reason.

[Kenyth]

I forgot to log on and my guest post appears to have disappeared. So if it pops up later, just ignore it.

 

The courts will take into account a childs wishes when they're fourteen, but it rarely helps the non-custodial parent unless the child hates the custodial parent or step-parent. Children almost always wish to please the people they live with and don't want to relocate themselves to a different household. The court can also totally ignore the childs wishes at it's discretion, which it does often.

 

It just really ticks me off about the lying and the obvious bias I get because her husband works for the county sheriff dept. I'm not saying he has "pull" so to say, but he is one of theirs while I'm an outsider. I didn't get totally shafted, but I got the short end of the stick for sure. People are under the false impression that the judge has to follow the family law to a letter. That's not the case. It's completely subjective and up to the judge where the child resides. As long as you get visitation, you get no room to complain.

 

My advice to all fathers is, if you have the upper hand during a divorce, use it to your best advantage. Stomp them down and keep them there. Once the opportunity passes, you'll be forever at the disadvantage. Being nice and bending to your ex's wishes and requests gets you nothing. Whatever you do, DO NOT let your ex keep the child for any significant period of time or let them enroll in school somewhere else, for ANY reason. Even if you take the child back as agreed, they can always use it against you later.

 

I don't hold myself blameless in all this. I never moved on and let her lead me around for years.

[Pink_Tulip]

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It drives me insane how our society has been devaluing fathers for years, then sits back and wonders what the hell is happening to our kids. Moving a child away from their parent is just plain wrong, unless there is abuse involved, IMO.

 

And with the sports, I hear you. Extracurricular activities, especially for teens, are so important. I can't imagine having to sit back and watch my kids being raised with morals and values I don't agree with. It must be hard.

[Kenyth]

Thanks for the sympathy QT. The worst of my anger about everything is over now. The move is just adding insult to injury if you know what I mean. I just have to realize that he's 15 now and not 12. A lot of time has went by in the interim. There's only three years left until he's an adult. I can't really do much at this point. The prime parenting days are passed. Maybe he'll wake up and want to excel, but it will have to be his choice. His last report card was a complete disaster. There's nothing more I can do about it. All the chaos in his life has taken it's toll.