almostthere Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 I am the stepmom 1. Sending my bf's daughter home on next Saturday with treats for her class for school on monday? 2. writing the exw a letter asking if we can mend our differences since me and my bf have put money down on a ring and i am not going anywhere? I just think it would be easier to communicate with a quick email when i want to find out clothing sizes and shoe sizes. 3. Asking for the schools help with the kids. they need help and the mom doesnt care. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 sure you can send the treats, but you dont need to write a letter to the mom. its not going to get you anywhere right now, trust me. as far as the schools, i would let your bf contact them and ask how involved he can get and they can get with the daughter. just my two cents.. Link to post Share on other sites
jonesgirly Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 I've been a step-mom (twice), and appreciate the caring you're showing here for your B/F's kids. BUT, and a BIG but.....what is the relationship between the B/F and the mom? If she (mom) hates your guts, I can guarantee you that the treats you send home with the kids for Monday are going to be in the dumpster by Sunday. Being a step-parent is really a difficult place, especially when the natural bonds between 'parent-figure' and child start to occur. However, you must understand that there is absolutely NO legal standing for a step-parent, and the best way for ALL parties concerned is to maintain an adult relationship with each other. The kids WILL KNOW that you care about them, and may even become more attached to you (depending on their mothers situation). But really, the best way (I've discovered), is to maintain a sort of 'friendship' type of relationship in addition to the adult figure (that sets household rules, etc.). Every situation is different, from being a custodial step-parent to a summer step-parent. The best thing for the kids is to respect their biological parents (never, ever bad-mouth their mom), and to be consistent and fair. Step-kids are not always lovable, depending on the baggage with which they arrive. Your job is to be an adult, parental-type figure in their lives, just as a 'real' mom would be! Just don't forget that there IS a 'mom' in their lives who will ALWAYS trump the relationship that you have with them (as well it should). Your B/F should be handling all parental issues with his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Your B/F should be handling all parental issues with his ex. I agree with this. I don't think it's your place to try and pretend to be their mom, or do what is their mother's job. It's a sure way to step on her toes. And nothing good will come of that. The best thing to do is be nice to the child. Show her you care about her and the mom will appreciate you more than if you try to take on her territory. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Your B/F should be handling all parental issues with his ex. I agree.. Once you both say I do though your responsibilities as a step parent actually exist But until you are married you are the childs friend and your bf's gf not the childs step parent. By the sounds of it you will make a great SP when the time comes though Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 I agree.. Once you both say I do though your responsibilities as a step parent actually exist But until you are married you are the childs friend and your bf's gf not the childs step parent. By the sounds of it you will make a great SP when the time comes though I agree too. But it's never going to be easy to have a relationship with the bio mother until she wants that, if she wants that. And she doesn't have to, even though it would be the best thing for all involved. Even marriage isn't likely to change that. Until then though, your bf should be the instigator for all contact with her, the schools etc. Although the sentiment is great (I'm in the same position my stbh has a young son), I'm aware that I'm not yet his step parent, and these things aren't my business to be dealing with. But I can certainly help and advise my SO where possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author almostthere Posted September 27, 2006 Author Share Posted September 27, 2006 That's what i thought. It just breaks my heart that she doesnt do the simple things like sending the kids to school with treats and the most complicated things...like sending them to school with homework. The kids tell us all the time how sad they are that mom is never around. She has a bf and goes to his house everyday and he lives an hour and half away. the kids stay home with her oldest son who is 19. It's just sad. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 The kids tell us all the time how sad they are that mom is never around. She has a bf and goes to his house everyday and he lives an hour and half away. the kids stay home with her oldest son who is 19. It's just sad. Has your SO considered petitioning for custody? It may be in the children's best interest for them to be with him...just a thought... Link to post Share on other sites
Author almostthere Posted September 27, 2006 Author Share Posted September 27, 2006 We ahve talked about it a lot. I am in school right now and when i get out we will be better off financially. We are going to take her to court now. We just cannot provide for them right now. She financially supports them without a problem. We would need to move and buy a bigger car. I have two kids of my own. I dont know if that sounds bad but he is working 60-80 hours a week already and I am full time work plus part time school and we are still struggling. Our divorces left us with nothing. If we could get them we would. There is an up side that i am keeping in mind. her and her bf are moving in together in oct. I am hoping her and her bf show the kids the time they need. Custody has not been ruled out. We are living in a 2 bedroom condo right now. We are saving every extra penny we get for a down payment on a house next spring. after that happens we are going to figure out bills and stuff and see if we can take them. it just that right now we literally dont have anything and my credit got screwed by my exh. he knew how important it was to me to have good credit and he let our car get repo'd. that hurt. so we cannot buy a house right now. I dont know if that sounds bad on us or not...i am not trying to turn it into a lack of money thing but our hands are tied. there is no way you can fit 7 people in a two bedroom condo. thats the reason we are pushing so hard for a house next spring. it will be a three bedroom duplex but it is more workable then what we have now. Link to post Share on other sites
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