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Too long dealing with mean selfish mother


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I will try to make a 32 years long story into a page or two summary. I'm mostly looking for someone to validate how I feel.

My mother was divorces when I was nine. When my dad left it was very much like the seen in a movie where I was packing my stuff to go with him because he had always been such a great father. I never really thought he'd never come back until my twenties when he was looking for a place to stay, someone to feel sorry for him after his wife left him, and money for his prescription pain-killer adiction.

So my childhood I was left to deal with an extremely depressed mother who worked two jobs. One during the day and another dealing black-jack at night. Never once did we have a babysitter and I was only nine. I had an older sister, but she was just starting her teenage party years and was always gone because she could be, nobody was ever there to tell her what to do. No, I don't blame my mom for having to work all the time, but when she wasn't working she was out drinking and partying with people she met. She would sometimes be gone for the entire night and just come home to get ready.

When I became a teen-ager I became a little rebel myself and when she did try to tell me what to do I didn't listen to her. Fights often got VERY nasty. She used to tell me I was a slut, lesbian, bitch, she would tell me at 16 years old that I was being a bitch because I needed to get _ucked. She would sit on me and her face would be all red, she ripped my shirt and spit on my bare chest. She would describe made up sexual situations between me and my best friend and I'm not a lesbian. She would say sick things that I won't post. She just totally lost it all the time. I was so nervous and stressed out in my own home that it was nice that she was always gone. Somehow when I got older, I forgot and forgave everything, party blaming her bad life, and party blaming myself for being a rebellious teen for the way she behaved. Somehow after all the things she has done to me, I have still always felt sorry for her and felt that I needed to take care of her and treat her like a child. Even my older sister to this day tells me that I have to be the mature one and try to make thing good all the time because "Mom is who she is and she won't change but we have to love her because she is our mother." But my sister lives a thousand miles away from her, for a reason too. She left and joined the service 15 years ago because it was the only way to get away from my abusive mother.

Also, since I was able to start working at the age of 15, I was giving many of my paychecks to my mother to help pay bills. Now I am 32, married with four children. I love my kids, my husband, his family, I have a life that seems so good that I am almost scared that things shouldn't be this good. I treat my husband and my kids very well, although I have to admit that I take Zoloft because it helps me with anger issues that I used to deal with and try to fight off all the time. With this drug, I can control myself and be the person that I have tryed so hard to be-a calm, rational, loving wife, mother, and friend.

Here's the situation now. I am overly nice to my mom. I don't let things that she says or does get me upset because I'm trying so hard to keep peace like my sister and my husband have always told me I shoud do. I let her get away with being so mean and selfish. I used to live six hours away from her, but when my husband was offered a job in the town I now live in through the company that he works for, we moved because it was in the town where my mother lived and I felt sorry for her being alone. She always made me feel bad about it. So basically I moved my family here for her. We have always taken her with when we go to movies, to the lakes, out to dinner, and on vacations. We pay her way every time. If we don't and she finds out she makes me feel guilty and she tells my sister that we don't ever take her with us anywhere. She also tells my aunt this and also tells her that we don't do anything for her so that my aunt in turn calls me and asks me why I don't treat her better. Just to finish off I want to give some examples of things, not at all including things from my childhood, that I want to use to justify my never wanting to see her or talk to her again. Please tell me if you think I'm justified and what I should tell my sister when she gets mad at me for being this way. (By the way, my very nice, kind, intelligent, rational husband who has also put up with my family for years thinks they are all mentally ill.)

Examples (keep in mind there are many details I cannot possibly explain them all):

My mother called my mother-in-law a couple years after I was married and swore at her, yelled at her, and told her that she hoped her adopted daughter would find her "real" mother someday and never see my mother in law again. She felt justified in doing this because my husband and I were moving and she believed it was because of my mother in laws influence. My mother in law is very kind and sweet and cried after what happened. I was absolutely mortified and humiliated that my mother had done this. Years later my mother acts like nothing ever happened, that's her way of dealing with everything. She got mad because after the birth of my twins, my mother in law stayed with me to help me for a week and never invited my mother for supper the day we brought my twins home from the hospital so she called my aunt who is oblivious, and told her only the last part of the story. My aunt then called me that day I brought home my twins and made me cry. I was pretty sensitive at that point because of postpardom.

I pay for everything for my mother. I made her $300 car payment while she was in the hospital, and often I just hand her cash because I know that she needs it. The last time we talke she said she owes me nothing. I told her she owed me decency.

Before I had a car when I was younger, I used to need my mother to take me to work. She would scream and swear at me because she didn't want to have to drive me to work everyday, I found a friend that brought me to work in exchange for babysitting. Now that I'm an adult, she asks me to come pick her up anytime we do anything because she doesn't want to drive.

I don't want her in my life anymore. I realize after writing this how awful these things really sound. I feel like I hate her. I want someone to tell me its O.K. to pretend she no longer exists to save my relationship with my current family and my sanity. She is the type of person who could get so angry that she would call my friends and relatives and humiliate me just out of anger and to "pay me back" then turn around five minutes later and call me crying and feeling sorry for herself, AND I ALWAYS FEEL SORRY FOR HER!! WHY?? Please help. Also, even though my sister knows exactly how my mother is, she will side with my mother and be angry with me.

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I found your post really interesting. Your relationship with your mother sounds like the one between my mother and her father. She grew up without a mother and her father was very physically abusive. Basically beat up on her as though she was a full grown man. He took out his unhappiness on her.

Now that he is older he demands all my mothers attention. She makes the 40 mile trip at least three times a week to visit him and shop for him. The guilt he instills on her for moving in unreal.He is very ungrateful and goes as far as to tell other family members that she never sees him and that he does everything himself. He and my father do not speak partially because my grandfather never liked him feeling as though he stole my mother.

The bottom line is my mother feels an obligation to him becaus he is her father. Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your family. Your mother made her own decisions on how she has treated you. Sadly just because she gave birth to you does not make her a good person. I have watched my mother suffer all my life to make my grandfather happy despite how horrible he made her childhood. It has taken time away from us, her family and stressed her bad enough to suffer a heart attack last year. Unbelievaly he did not even come see her and when she was well enough to visit him he said " you don't look so bad"

I don't want to tell you want to do but I wil say that you have the chance to have a happy life with your wondeful family. Don't let your mother continue to disrupt your happiness. No matter what your family members have to say about it they are not the ones dealing with it like you are. I really wish you the best of luck. Take care.

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Curmudgeon

This is so unfortunately familiar to me. My wife's mother is the most narcissistic woman I have ever had the misfortune to meet. My wife had been single for 18 years and totally uninvolved with anyone for the last 12 of them when we were married. Therefore, she spent fairly regular time with her mother, especially after her father's death two years before we got together. She always tried to keep those visits short, however, because her mother always managed to be demanding and unpleasant.

 

Within three months of our marriage, my mother-in-law took me on and it wassn't pretty. I was 50-years old, a successful professional, owed nothing to anyone and didn't (still don't) take crap from anyone. After MIL tried to confront me I simply disengaged which just made her angrier. There's nothing a narcissist hate more than to be ignored.

 

Predictably, it didn't take more than a hot minute for MIL to turn on my wife, her only child. After a year or two of it, my wife also disengaged. It's now been seven or so years since we've seen the woman even though she only lives 20 minutes away. She's in her 80s and not doing well but she has helpers come in and we continue to keep our distance. She's disowned her daughter (FIL must be rolling over in his grave) and that's that. She is not someone you can have a relationship with because it's all one-sided. You give and give and it's never enough. There always has to be more and she must be the center of everyone's attention.

 

Some people just aren't worth allowing into your life whether they're related or not. She's one of them. It sounds like your mother is too.

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Some people just aren't worth allowing into your life whether they're related or not. She's one of them. It sounds like your mother is too.

 

I agree with the Lion. Plus, you need to think of the role models that you want to have around your kids. It sounds to me like your Mother was way too young to have kids and she never bothered to grow up. I have a few "discussions" with my Mother occasionally because she is also one of those people who likes her own way all the time. She'll call me up and expect me to drop everything to go over to their house to fix something. I tell her "No, I'm sorry, right now I can't" and she gets this dejected tone in her voice and says "oh" and I say "yes, oh. I'm sorry" and I usually hang up. The key to whatever you do decide to do though is consistency. After a couple of times not playing my Mother's games it turned out she dropped me and started calling my brother.

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quankanne

I ALWAYS FEEL SORRY FOR HER!! WHY?? Please help. Also, even though my sister knows exactly how my mother is, she will side with my mother and be angry with me.

 

because you're a good, kind-hearted daughter despite the abuse you've been dealt. And both your mom and your sister will use that to their convenience.

 

I want someone to tell me its O.K. to pretend she no longer exists to save my relationship with my current family and my sanity.

 

it's perfectly okay to set the boundaries of the relationships you're part of and expect them to be respected. You're not evil, you're not bad, you're not selfish for doing that, but being mature (and honest) about what you will and will not tolerate. No one has the right to treat you like crap, but sometimes they do. However, you've got EVERY right to put an end to that treatment. You love your mom in your own fashion, but it's not being a bad daughter for protecting your family or yourself for her behavior – your marriage and your children and yourself are your primary responsibilities. Your mom has other children to help her when she needs help, you are not solely responsible for her needs.

 

as for your sister? Tell her kindly, but in no uncertain terms that this is how it is from now on. That if she has a problem with it, you and your husband are more than happy to purchase a one-way ticket for Mama to go live over there. Otherwise, you're not interested in her telling you how to deal with the situation.

 

people will walk all over you if given the chance. Don't give your mother or sister the opportunity. Because with love comes respect, even if you are the only one who gives it to yourself.

 

hugs,

quank

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My mom has many emotional problems also...I cant reject her although she has treated me the way you say your mother has...she is angry at herself and sees me as an extention...so she treats me as badly as she treats herself...thinking she is "fixing me"...I would hate for her to die and having not been in her life...I just have learned to think for myself and not let her opinions influence me...as far as calling people...dont give her any access to anyones number...thats what I had to do...find her address book and scratch out all those numbers that belong to your friends.

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HokeyReligions

She's your mother. You owe your life to her. You owe your allegience to her. If you are Christian you know you should honor your mother and father.

 

Yeah, I've heard that guilt trip before. Hubby's parents and relatives laid that on him too. It's pure BS. It sounds like your mother has some serious mental problems and has little or no parenting skills. You do not have to allow that in your life, and you are in no way, shape, or form a bad person for standing your gound and not enabling her to run all over you.

 

A favorite saying of mine goes something like "your parents know exactly which buttons to press because they installed them". It was from a comedy act, but I found it to be rather profound and helpful for hubby and I in dealing with our own parents. Hubby was seriously abused as a child too.

 

You can feel sorry for her without guilt, but you have to work at it. I feel bad for a lot of other people, but I don't feel guilty or responsible for them. You are not responsible for your mother's care or happiness, any more than she is responsible for yours. Its heartbreaking for you to let go because somewhere inside you there still lives hope that in the future she will say or do something that will make all the pain go away, and you'll feel like the old TV commercial "Wow! I could have had a V8" and all the hurt will be neatly put away. Its very hard to let go of that hope because its going to hurt. But you can understand and compartmentalize those feelings to a degree that the loss of hope won't hurt as much or have as much impact on other emotions.

 

Have you considered any counseling for yourself to help you deal with these issues? Counseling helped hubby and myself to deal with the emotional aftermath of abuse. The therapists we saw gave us tools to deal with the pain, and to help him understand that he was in no way responsible for any of it. Even as a young adult seemingly with more choices than a child, he was held back from those choices because of the emotional chains still weighing him down.

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Mistaken Identity

I wish I could give you a hug. And I'm not usually a hugger! No,you're not wrong --I'll say it-- to hate her. Would you treat your kids the way she treated you? You might say in her defense that maybe she couldn't help herself. But did she abuse other people--friends of hers, for instance-- the way she abused you? I bet the answer is no. So, she did have control over her behavior didn't she? (I have a nephew who is prone to rage and abusive behavior--which he claims he can't control. But he calms down real fast when the cops show up.) As far as your sister is concerned, she has her own problems. Why do you assume that what she says is valid? Don't talk to her about your mom if you can avoid it. And as far as your aunt wanting to know why you don't treat your mother better--OMG!!-- You don't even have to associate with your mother--let alone go out of your way for her! Anything you do for her should be appreciated. Your aunt should be asking why your mother doesn't/didn't treat you better. :mad: What's wrong with these people? Do they not know your history? I wish I could come to your town and scream at all of them! My advice to you is to MOVE far away, if possible. And I want to add that you should be proud of yourself for being a good mother. You didn't turn into your mother. You broke the cycle. You won!

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  • 1 month later...

I share the pain of anyone who has had a mother that was never a mother. At thirty-two I am still dealing with my "mother issues". The problem is, at thirteen, I was pretty much given responsibility for my family. My mom and her husband had my half-sister, which I essentially raised. I started working at fifteen and by that time, mom and husband had broken up. My McDonald's salary did not pay for clothes or make-up but rather the light bill and my sister's school clothes, field trips, etc. I was not allowed to go out or date as I had to come home to change diapers, etc as soon as school was over.

As an adult I cannot break the habit of taking care of my mother. When my husband and I bought a new home, we let my mother move into our old one with the understanding she would pay the house payment as she did not have a home of her own. Two years later and she still has not made a full payment, but does give me a little money every now and then. My husband and I have nearly had to claim bankruptcy several times and my children can no longer participate in any outside activities because I can't afford them. Meanwhile my older brother (40 yrs old) lives in this house with her and doesn't work. I am very stressed out a lot of the time as I try to keep it all together. It has become a bone of contention in my marriage as my husband pushes me to kick her out so we can sell the house. But she is still my mother and how can I do that?

What's worse is when I make a move to discuss this with her, I get the response that I don't understand because I have a good husband. Is it my fault the guys she married were abusive drunks? I always felt she should be apologizing to me for allowing these men to beat and/or sexually molest me as a child, not apologize to her because I found a wonderful husband.

However, my kids love their grandmother so I guess I will just hang in there. surely, this will be put on the plus side of any book I happen to have with the universe.

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LadyLove, although our stories are slightly different, I can empathize completely with the frustration and anger and hate towards one's mother. I've been thinking about posting my own story and asking for suggestions on dealing with my own mother. Thankfully, my parents are still together and live about 3 hrs away from me, so I dont get to see her that often. I love my mother dearly, but at the same time, there are moments where I absolutely fricken hate her. I seriously believe she has some kind of mental problems and I'm trying to figure it out, I just dont know how and noone in the family wants to talk about it. I feel absolutely horrible and guilty for feeling this way towards her. But she just doesnt get it. She'll say she does, but she just doesnt. I dont have any advice to offer. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

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stronger_daily

I have to agree with the majority of people here. It sounds like you need to distance yourself from her. Spreading her legs and pushing you out nine months later doesn't make her worthy of respect. I'm so sick of hearing that line of bs. Don't believe it.

 

You sound like you've dealt with some pretty horrid things in the past and I hate that she's acting like that to you and I hate that she thinks she can continue to do so. Someone mentioned thinking of your children first and I agree. They don't need that type of person around them and if you feel guilty for leaving her then maybe that thought will help alleviate some of that.

 

One day I'll share my story about my mom. You'd be surprised how many grown women were raised by shrews. I know I am. I came to this community and was shocked. At least we're not alone and I hope with the love and support of your friends and your husband and children you can start to love yourself enough to get away from your mother for good.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Ladywithafan

My half brother told me if I wanted an accurate picture of my mother, to watch the movie "Mommy Dearest".

 

My mother is going on 81 and feels the world owes her. She was brought up by a mother who did not want her and she kowtowed to that person. When my mother wanted to go & leave the house her mother told her if she did, not to ever return...so my mother never left. (me I would have said, thanks & by, Cya). So basically, my mother has been a marytr for pain & sticking in bad relationships her whole life. She was a very beautiful woman in her time and used her looks to her advantage. She fell last weekend on an uneven sidewalk while taking her dog to the vet...she told me during the weekend that her friend told her, "luckily you didn't hurt your pretty face." I found that kinda ironic and wonder if my mother is just making that up. I know it must be hard to grow old and out of your beauty (I'm 44 & look 34)but my mother has taken it to the extreme.

 

She now wants everything done for her...i.e. I owe her my life (sounds like her own mother)...she never takes the advice I give her but after the fact will tell me that her friend told her "A" and now she's going to do "A." When , in fact, I told her "A" prior....she tells me that I'm never there for her, I've neglected her my whole life....hey, whoa....

 

When I left home to go to college, I knew I wasn't going back...no way...when I had my children I was the happiest person in the world because I wanted my kids...my mom would call and you know how the minute you get on the phone, babies/toddlers will demand your attention...she'd say, "can't you shut those kids up" my reply, "that's their job, it's what they're supposed to be doing....she was totally pissed this year when my sons moved out of state with my x-husband that they didn't bring the grandchildren to see her...when the boys came to visit for two weeks this month, she saw my sons on the 4th of July, got mad because I brought them over and took up her time...never made an effort to be a part of anything we did while kids were here....I found that unbelievable....

 

She's been diagnosed manic/depressive/bipolar. She's blamed everyone for everything that she can't deal with....i.e. now the neighbor is coming into her house & stealing her dishcloths, towels, sheets, putting marks on her clothing...and she'll talk meanly about the same neighbor...I think it's a different part of her, describing herself...

 

Very difficult to deal with......and I think a lot of people with mothers like this tend to overcompensate with things in their life in regards to having things run smoothly but it doesn't matter...if your mother is demanding, controlling and a "mommy dearest" type...it just won't change....

 

I just feel at this point, I know the truth

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Wow thats alot to deal with for anyone. First off let me say you will always love her no matter what she does, because she is your mother. That doesnt mean you have to be involved with her. You do not have to put yourself, your kids, or your husband through the hell this woman can inflict. You also do not have to disown her completely, just learn to do things for her at your own convience.

 

If you cant afford to take her to the movies with your family or just dont want to dont, if you offer and she wants you to pick her up and its out of the way say sorry i cant if you cant meet us there then i guess you cant go i just thought you would want to spend some time with the kids. Then get there before her and go in before shes there and avoid the whole situation where she expects you to pay. Do not go out of your way for her anymore. You have made yourself to easy.

 

Also your aunt and sister know how she is , so what is so suprizing to them when she calls and complains about you. Sounds to me that its not that they want to keep the peace they just dont want to deal with her so theyve figured out that they can call you and chew you out and you will fix it.

 

You should really stop. If they cant understand why you do what you do, then you dont need them either. Eventually they will come around to seeing things differently. Let them deal with her for a while. You enjoy your husband and kids and if you have good in laws be thankful. Think about yourself for once.

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Ok there is a mold for this mom! I had the same one!!! I'm the oldest and got the blunt of the name calling, my sis is the one left alone and turned rebel. We are both married with kids now and suffer "mommy issues". She is the care taker for mom and I just tell her to not stress the crazy old bat!!! When our kids ask "what is Nanny doing that for" we explain that some people are just "crazy" and can't control how they act.

 

I don't see, call or communicatewith my mother like my sister does. It is better for me to just "disengage" from her crazyness. My sister keeps me updated on her crazyness and her life in general. But I can't get into it. I just don't have the need to get into her trivial, insain, selfish, whinny way of thinking. SO I am there for hollidays and partys, which she is on "good behavior" on those times.

 

Advice for you; DISENGAGE, not completly, just enough to keep you from going insain. When she calls, don't answer half of them and the other half, make up something important that you were doing and tell her you will call her back and DON'T. She'll get the message.

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