Sibling Favoritism

[jasmine3407]

Can anybody shed light into this situation for me?

 

My younger sister and I each got treated the same when we were growing up. There was never any favoritism on any of the family's part. We got the same toys for Xmas, the same kind of cake for our Bdays, etc. We even each got presents when it was the other's bday, just so we wouldn't be jealous. One would think that with such "fair" treatment, we would have grown up secure in knowing that we were each loved the same.

 

However, as we have gotten older (27 and 24, respectively), there has been much siblings rivalry going on, and much competition with our parents and family. I just don't understand how that happened, considering our upbringing. The books tell all parents to treat their children fairly and equally, but in this case, it was done and STILL yielded awful results. My sister and I barely talk anymore due to our sibling rivalry, yet our parents did everything right to not let that happen, right?

 

Anyone?

[parentdetective]

Wow

I have always heard of it when you are young...I do have a friend that has that going on and she is in her 40's. I dont have any idea why though.

[westernxer]

Ever heard of human nature?

[tikigods]

This is why people shouldn't follow books, people will always turn out the way the were ment to turn out

 

Prehaps being equal your wholes lives has caused you both to break out and tr yto be better and make eachother different

[Walk]

My parents try very hard to treat my brother and I the same. We had kind of the same up bringing as you were talking about.

 

I'm the younger sibling by 2 years. We're both in our 30's now.

 

I used to get upset with my parents. Seemed like although they attempted to give the same to each child, my brother always got all the attention.

 

Anyway, I think you could alleviate some of the rivalry if you attempted to redirect your parents attention away from you and back onto your sister. If you notice that the conversation is dominated more by your life, then redirect it. It may not be something that you are aware of, and we fall into life long habits of speaking and acting around our family. Next time you are together, attempt to look at the situation through your sisters eyes. Guage how much of the conversation actually is about her, or involves her. How much your parents interact with her on a one on one basis, versus how much they do with you. An unbiased look on how the family interacts together.

 

I had to accept over the years that my brother is the favored one. I've asked my parents about it before, in a round about way... they said it's because they know I have a level head, and I'm dependable and reliable in every situation, so they don't worry about me as much. But my brother isn't the most level headed guy in the world, and my parents will always feel they have to take care of him... so they give him more attention because they feel he still needs it in his life. It wasn't a slight on me, but actually the opposite. But it took me years to accept that, and I was very resentful of my brother until then.

 

Anyway... just take a different perspective of the situation. Your sister may be correct in her assesment. And even if you still feel she isn't, her feelings are still valid. SHE see's it as you being the "favored" one. She's jealous of you, she wants your parents to see her the same way as you. Is there any way you can change the dynamics of the situation so that she can feel as though she's special too?

 

Don't contribute to the rivalry by insisting she not feel this way. Otherwise all you're doing is re-enforcing the belief that there is favoritism. Step aside and give her the limelight for a while if you don't mind. Attempt to talk to her about the actions that cause her to feel this way. Try to find a solution that will work for both you and your sister. What can you change/not change to make her feel more comfortable?

 

Here's an example of one reason I sometimes feel secondary. When my brother and I get together with my parents, my parents may ask how I am... I never had a moment to tell them because my brother would start talking about his life and my parents attention would immediately focus on him. This is my view of things. Not necessary true. What type of communication patterns are present in your family? Next time all of you are together, really listen to the type of communication going on. The interaction between your sister and parents, the shifts in focus and the level of attention given to each of you.

 

And last recourse... Counsel your sister on establishing a relationship with your parents seperate from you. I set up meetings with my parents without my brother around just so I can feel like the center of attention sometimes. And just listen and accept she has her own view of life without judging her as wrong for feeling that way. You can point out areas that may show your parents love her just as much... reassure her of their love... but if she feels secondary, then there's probably some underlying reason for it. Don't completely discount it as nothing.