Am I an A-hole?

[some_username1]

So my Grandma has fallen terminally ill while I’m out of the country on holiday. I’m due back in a few days but according to my mother it will be too late then. She said to me that I should do what I feel is best, but snarkily added “but don’t forget what your Nan did for you while you were growing up” etc, etc. This has majorly pissed me off because it feels like my mum trying to manipulate my free will in this matter and she is lying by giving me a free choice when really she is expecting me to come home and there will be hell to pay if I don't. My personal outlook is that if my Nan was on her own I would rush home like a shot but as it is she has her 3 kids there for her at the moment. She is 91 and not in great physical shape so I have already prepared myself for this moment and I saw her shortly before I left for my holiday and spent time at her nursing home with her on my birthday back in May. I would rather remember her like that personally and have tried to explain this but my mother won’t have it.

 

Anyway, realising this was a battle I can’t win I looked into getting a plane ticket transfer, the cost was a bit more than expected and as I have to bear the cost of that along with some other costly expenses recently that were for the benefit of other people and not myself I am really not enthusiastic about flying home. I also suspect my mum is playing up the severity of the time aspect as she is very histrionic and will always give the worst case scenario in order to get her own way. I then phoned my mum to say I was reconsidering and that I thought it wasn’t fair how she hasn’t been honest that SHE wants me home and can’t accept my personal outlook on the situation and I want to get my scheduled flight in a few days. She flew off the handle big time, being really dramatic and ending the phone call having something approximating a manic episode where there was all this wailing and howling in the background and then the line goes dead. I’m stuck between having sympathy for her mum being ill but also being like WTF, why does she have no coping skills at all when having a disagreement? So I felt guilt tripped into changing my ticket, phoned back to tell her and her husband answered to tell me that he will never forgive me for this and then he put the phone down on me!

 

So I guess what I want to ask is: am I the ******* in all this because my mum and her husband are hell bent on making me feel like one? Do I not have a right to deal with this in the way that I choose to?

[Art_Critic]

Being close to your Nana is also being close to your Mom, who also needs you.

When a family member turns for the worst you go to say your goodbyes and to be support for the rest of the family.

 

I say in this particular situation you let what you feel your Mom is doing go and just be there for her and your family.. it sure would suck if she passed when you weren't there.

 

Sorry about your Nana...

[alphamale]

I second Art Critic's post above

[Beendaredonedat]

since you asked: Yes, you're being a A-hole. You can probably get your money for the change in ticket on compassionate grounds so look into that by telling the airline your situation and you need to get back because of your grandmother failing quickly.

 

Your mother is hurting and you failed to show her you even cared about her well being never mind your grandmother's certain death.

Sure your mother should have just voiced to you what she preferred you did but I suppose she wanted you coming home to be your idea.

 

Most, I think, would know enough to understand why you mother wanted you there so next time you are confronted with such a situ, why not just go unless you are specifically told "no,no, you come home when you're due. I'm just letting you know how bad she is so you won't be shocked about it when you get back." That of course would totally make it your own decision.

[basil67]

What did your nan do for you growing up?

[spiritedaway2003]

I'm sorry to hear that you nan is terminally ill.

 

Yes, you seemed like a A** (unless there is something behind the scenes that's going on). Even if that's the case, if things are that serious (in that "it will be too late then"), the change fees would be be worth it to see her before she goes?

 

Also, even if you can't support your nan, you can support your mom. It's her Mom, you know?

[littleblackheart]

Facing the death of a loved one is always difficult and a very personal journey.

 

Your mother and her husband should not be emotionally blackmailing you in that way; this guilt trip is unhelpful, but it's also probably driven by sadness.

 

The decision of going back should be yours alone; what is a little strange is that you are making it about the price of the ticket when it clearly is something deeper than that.

[basil67]

I wonder if the 'something deeper' is about mom pressuring him to return?

[some_username1]

Firstly, thanks for the sense of perspective everyone. Because my mum is so histrionic and I don’t have any siblings it’s hard to separate where her behaviour ends and mine begins. So it’s good to know that I’m probably in the wrong here.

 

Just to clarify the cost of the ticket is a pain although what bugs me most is I was told it was a free choice when it blatantly wasn’t and that’s what started the row because My mother couldn’t accept my decision despite initially claiming I could do what I want. I do appreciate that this is most likely about having me for support but she has her siblings and her husband, no-one is going through this alone. I wish she had told me from the start that I need to be there because then it’s a totally different conversation.

 

As to whether there is something deeper, maybe there is on a sub-conscious level. All I can say from the way I view the situation is that I maybe have an ambivalent attitude to death in the elderly. I don’t understand why people get so upset about it. Living to 91 and having your body literally fail on you is something to be celebrated not treated like it’s the end of the world. My dad died of cancer at 46- that was a tragedy.

 

But that also might also be part of the problem: I am very empathetic most of the time yet coldly rational on certain occasions like this. My mother however is massively emotional and not at all rational and it bugs the hell out of me because she creates problems with the way she has such violent emotional reactions to things. So I see this whole situation as something that was on the cards for a long time. I’ve shed a few tears thinking about the fun times with my nan but to be fair although we were very close when I was young I have lived away the last 15 years so I haven’t seen her all that often so the bond isn’t there like it was. So all that being said I personally think my being at peace with the situation means I should be able to make the choice about how I choose to deal with it. My mum might feel she needs me, sure, but she does have others around her.

 

Does that make my actions more understandable? Can anyone relate to my POV or do I seem unnecessarily cold?

[some_username1]

What did your nan do for you growing up?

 

Boy, where do I start? She looked after me so my mum could go to work, so I spent a lot of time in her company growing up until my teens. She doted on me while at home my father was a real hard ass so my nan offered me some much needed respite and kindness.

 

She did also, however, manipulate me into severing ties with my cousins at the age of 13 in a power play against her daughter in law (her daughter in law was a bitch to be fair, she suffered from bi-polar which made her a really nasty piece of work at times). So the up-shot of that was that I haven’t seen or spoken to my two cousins (they are my age) since I was 13.

 

To be fair I’m only mentioning this for completeness, I don’t hold it against her and it isn’t why I’m so serene about the situation, as said above that’s more to do with my general outlook on death in the elderly and that I feel I have made my peace with the situation in my own way.

[elaine567]

You are protecting yourself.

You don't want to go see your Nan in her sick and dying state, you want to pass and not get involved.

Here you have the perfect opportunity as you are on holiday and hopefully it will all be over by the time you return.

 

BUT family is family and you are abandoning yours when they need you and is that really fair?

You are running away from your responsibility and also from the reality of life.

People die and it is usually best that we try to be there for them and the rest of the family.

 

I get it, you are scared and would rather not face it, and you are annoyed at your mother for forcing the issue and no doubt you are somewhat triggered regarding the death of your father, but you may regret this decision later on.

[schlumpy]

If you can come to terms emotionally with yourself and withstand world war III when you get back, I think you stay on holiday. She's been in the nursing for a long while and you went to see her before you left. Standing in the waiting room won't help. It would be just to placate your mother. I assume you are one of many grandkids? See if you can talk to nan on the phone.

 

Things will not be the same after this especially with your mother so be prepared.

 

Best Wishes

[some_username1]

If you can come to terms emotionally with yourself and withstand world war III when you get back, I think you stay on holiday. She's been in the nursing for a long while and you went to see her before you left. Standing in the waiting room won't help. It would be just to placate your mother. I assume you are one of many grandkids? See if you can talk to nan on the phone.

 

Things will not be the same after this especially with your mother so be prepared.

 

Best Wishes

 

Wow, it’s like you know my family! You are very right that WW3 is about to kick off. It doesn’t need to be like this but my mum and her husband bring out the worst in each other so they won’t let this go and will turn it into a crisis. You are also right that my relationship with my mother is not going to be the same after this. That is probably for the best though as I have put up with a lot from them both for too long.

[nospam99]

Everybody has their own values. I can only speak to mine.

 

Your mom and her husband are being azzholes. In the case of your mom, it's her mother who's dying. Assuming they are reasonably close, I understand your mom's feelings. That explains BUT DOES NOT EXCUSE the emotional abuse you are being subjected to.

 

For me, I like to think I've done the 'right thing'. I'd cut short the vacation, fly 'home', and 'be there' for the death of my grandmother. Easy for me to say, since I wasn't 'there' for the deaths of any of my grandparents nor for the death of my father. But I also didn't have family members 'twisting my arm' about it. I did attend the funerals of the three grandparents who died when I was an adult. Given the particular circumstances of their deaths, no one in the family expected more than that.

 

Keeping in mind that I was never subjected to the abuse you describe, should that have happened to me I also would quietly have nothing to do with my mother or her husband going forward until I got a good apology. Yes, your mom is going through one of the most difficult events in her life. But as I said above, that is no excuse. There is a world of difference between 'I need the support of your presence' and whatever words she actually used in between the shouts and screams. FWIW, my father (I can't call him 'dad' without choking on the BS) was abusive to me. For the last several years of his life I had almost nothing to do with him and I will go to my grave with no remorse about it. People deserve the treatment they have earned by their behavior, not the fake respect accruing to their circumstances.

[skywriter]

I'd say, go be with your nan because you will be at peace with yourself for cutting short your vacation to know in your heart you were there for your nan if it is the last of her life.

 

When she leaves this world your life won't stop and neither will your thoughts and memories and you can be at peace knowing you did all you could for this person that was a part of your life however that might have been.

 

So in other words do it for yourself. By the way, my respects to you and your loved ones.

 

… and no I wouldn't consider you to be an A-hole.

Edited July 20, 2019 by skywriter

[some_username1]

Thanks everyone.

 

So the latest is I am going. Nobody from my family has been in touch and they know I have a late flight. So as far as they are concerned I land at 1am and have nowhere to go.

 

Thankfully my best mate (bless him) has stepped up and is picking me up from the airport and letting me stay at his. So I shall go and see my nan tomorrow to say the goodbyes and I will do it for her. Doubtless my mother and her other half will try and collar me but the nursing home will be neither the time nor the place so I will turn the other cheek, see my nan and then travel back to where I live.

 

After thinking about it you are all right that it *is* the right thing to do. But the important distinction to make is that it has to be done for my nan and I can’t shake the thought that all along it’s been about what my mother wants and this is just yet another example of her controlling behaviour over my life.

[MINAKO]

I also saw you as being the A* in this situation and with that being said, I am happy you decided to go. It is tough, but definitely the right thing to do.

 

I will turn the other cheek, see my nan and then travel back to where I live.

 

And that is the best attitude to have in this mess, to keep in mind that you are simply there for your nan and that is it. Best of luck.

[d0nnivain]

I hope your nan's passing is peaceful.

 

If nan rallies & pulls through, next time you are traveling & as your parents age, look into getting travel insurance that will pay for changed plans when someone dies.

[Tamfana]

I’ve had a very rough relationship with my mom too but she’s my mom. No matter how difficult it might be, it is much better to swallow words and do some things you don’t want to do and be kind, even if you resent your mom right now. It’s very much worth the effort.

 

Save your frustration for venting in private (like here) and have your mom’s hand right now.

 

Of course your mom is emotional. HER mom is dying, leaving her forever. It’s a gut-level pain you can’t understand yet because you're not experiencing it, so just extend your compassion. It's always the best default setting.

 

I wish your grandmother peaceful passage, and peace and love for your family at her passing.

[littleblackheart]

the important distinction to make is that it has to be done for my nan.

 

Absolutely. You are in the driver's seat, you have made that call despite what seems to be very complicated family dynamics.

 

FWIW, I personally don't think there are rights or wrongs on how to deal with grief and loss - in this case, you are doing a good thing, for your grandmother.

Edited July 20, 2019 by littleblackheart

[D0nna]

Termily I'll?? You should have got on the plane right away!

Vacations you can have your whole life! But if you gran die and you not there you will cope with some guilt. Also moments like this family come together to support one another. And keep calling your mom about all that only gives her more stress! Its her mother dying! I don't know how old you are but maybe you scared of the situation and doing all that? Just go cause only once you can say goodbye to her and talk to her! All the best to your family and you.???

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

All I can say from the way I view the situation is that I maybe have an ambivalent attitude to death in the elderly.

 

I feel the same way, and I'm on your side with this one. But, I was never super close with my grandparents as they lived several hours away and I only saw them a few times a year.

 

My mom used to be like your mom. I remember 19 years ago her getting so bent out of shape because I told her I probably would not wear the sleeveless maternity top she bought me because I was due in February. My sister and I grew up being accused of "ruining" Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, her birthday, our birthday, Flag Day, etc. if we had an argument within one week (before or after) the day. Thank GOD she changed and mellowed out!! She is nothing at all like that now at age 77.

 

Sorry about your Nana.

[preraph]

Your mom does sound histrionic and I don't think it's fair for her to come at you that way. You're a grown man and it's you who should decide when and what you want to do about this. I think it's suspect that your mother waits until you're on holiday to pull this, frankly. Does she not like you to be happy and have a good time?

[FMW]

Family dynamics are very personal, so there is no absolute right or wrong. You have to make the decision that is right for you.

 

My mother is wonderful and I can't imagine would ever behave as yours did, but being the only child usually comes with added pressure and responsibility. And that can lead to resentment and a little bit of rebelliousness about feeling controlled. So I can empathize with that part of your dilemma.

[anika99]

Glad you came to a decision you can live with OP. For what it's worth I wouldn't have thought you were an ahole even if you didn't fly back early. My impression is that your mother has always been controlling and manipulative with her hysterics and guilt tripping, not that she just suddenly turned into this because she is grieving.

 

I have grown sons and I have a mother who is still alive but not doing to well. When the times comes I will let them decide what they want to do. She is my mother and I'm the one with a responsibility to her. Besides, my mom doesn't like people around her when she doesn't feel well. When she is having a hard time she only wants me or my brother around and even we get on her nerves.

 

I understand your reasoning. There are already a lot of people there to support each other, your mother has her husband. Adding one more person to the list of people already there isn't going to make a difference. If your Nan is really lingering at deaths door she is probably not all that aware and is likely most comforted by her own children. Some say you have a duty to your mother and that may be true but I suspect that your mother has always used guilt and yelling and crying to control others. If she truly needed you then she would be thrilled to know that you are coming now and eagerly waiting to greet you, instead she is ignoring you so that she can punish you some more.