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Elderly Father getting married


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Hello all, it's been a while. I really have nowhere to go with this, my family is very small and my limited friends cannot relate.

 

Last August (August 18 to be exact), my mother was diagnosed seemingly out of the blue with stage 4 cancer which had spread throughout her body. She'd been hospitalized earlier in the year for complicated pneumonia...think it would have been found at that point with CT scans and what not, but it wasn't until she went to a walk in clinic with shoulder pain after gardening that they found she'd probably had small cell lung cancer for 10 years or so and had less than 3 months to live. She quit smoking over 35 years ago...that stuff LINGERS, smokers beware.

 

The next day I brought one of my daughters down to see my parents. They live a good 7 hours (two flights) away. In addition, they were in the process of selling their large house of 30 years and there was a lot of physical labor which needed to happen.

 

A "friend" of my mom's from her book club ( a good 15 plus years younger than my parents) offered to help a lot, and she did help. However, she would often antagonize my mother, saying her collection of items collected from years of travel was "junk" and she was going to throw it out...stuff like that. At one point my mother was so depressed she'd not get out of bed and this woman (Carol) told her she was dirty and how was she going to "keep" a husband...they were married for 57 years.

 

At one point my brother told her to go away and not come back. I was back and forth due to work, but finally resigned from my job to help my mother and father. Carol was back in the picture with vigor, decorating my parent's new home in a 55 and over complex.

 

I tried to be nice. At that point my mother was so desperate and refusing hospice care, I was doing most of the physical care, so I let Carol do things like errands and help with moving.

 

Long story short, my mother became very upset with Carol's presence, stating she was "out to get your dad." Everyone wrote it off to the cancer which had spread to my mom's brain. I couldn't help but think back to when I was still married and my mother's intuition made her tell me "beware of THAT one." She'd pointed out a soccer mom from my daughter's team and I wrote it off as nonsense. Two years later during a divorce deposition my exH fessed up to having had a 1plus affair with this soccer mom...so I felt my mom's intuition was probably on point.

 

I left my parent's briefly and was visiting my then BF and received a call early on 10/20/18 that my mom had died. I flew out that day to be with my father and there were NO signs of Carol. I stayed two weeks to help my father, and my brother came out as well. Toward the end of our two week visit, my father said we should take Carol out for dinner and get her a gift certificate for all her help. He said it was to be from "our family" because he didn't want it to be misconstrued.

 

We waited until early January to have the official memorial service because one of my daughters was abroad and the family is spread out. Carol was distant.

 

A week later my father texted my brother and I saying he was going to the Bahamas with Carol. Since then they've been on 3 expensive holidays.

 

Do I care that he is blowing my inheritance on Carol? Not really. He and my mother traveled a lot and I always assumed there wouldn't be much left in the end. Do I care that she is 3x divorced and living off a small amount of social security...yes. Do I care that my father just asked me for my mother's engagement ring back...he gave it to me the day she died...or I should say he gave it to my brother who gave it to me for my daughter. He told me today he plans to marry in November. He chose November "out of respect" for my mother who died at the end of October...trying to be "proper" and wait the full year.

 

I realize he is old and he should live out the last of his life happy. But I believe this woman is going to take him for all that he has and bail (as she did to a close friend of his...yes he is dating the SAME woman one of his best friend's dated and said was miserable).

 

At this age I thought I'd be worrying about my daughters but instead I am worrying about my father. I can't stop him from marrying this woman. I spoke with my brother and my brother wants power of attorney over my father's estate...not because he wants his money (frankly he has more money than my dad at this point), but because he is scared my dad will be used for a few years and then broke in his late 80's.

 

Okay, so I guess the purpose of this post was just to get these thoughts out. If you care to give input, please tell me how you'd handle the situation. Leave it alone or intervene. I feel sad. I miss my father. I have very little family and few close friends. I miss my mother. The whole thing just sucks.

Edited by Goodbye
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I would take dad out & talk to him. Ask him what he wants & why? Let him talk about Carol. Tell him you are happy he found companionship but ask him about protecting his assets . . maybe doing a prenup or just living with Carol.

 

If mom's e-ring has sentimental value to you, tell him that. Gently remind him that it's kind of gross to give his new FI his dead wife's e-ring.

 

Don't tell him what to do. Just talk to him & ask Qs.

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I would take dad out & talk to him. Ask him what he wants & why? Let him talk about Carol. Tell him you are happy he found companionship but ask him about protecting his assets . . maybe doing a prenup or just living with Carol.

 

If mom's e-ring has sentimental value to you, tell him that. Gently remind him that it's kind of gross to give his new FI his dead wife's e-ring.

 

Don't tell him what to do. Just talk to him & ask Qs.

 

I wish I could just go down there and talk to him. However, he is on the other side of the east coast. Additionally, I quit a job to help with mother and it took me 3 months to find a a new one and I am swamped. I was down there a month ago with my eldest daughter and he said very little about Carol. She cancelled a lunch outing with us. Today I suggested that he enjoy her friendship and as a travel partner but keep finances separate. He refused. He said they will be married and in his eyes, when married, everything is 50/50. He will NOT do any prenup. As far as the ring goes...it is 3 generations old. No WAY am I giving it back. I'd buy it from him if need be. Hell, I'll give him my diamond from my failed marriage, that sucker is bigger. But I'd hate to see a family ring vanish as she loses interest and finds someone younger and wealthier.

 

Thank you for your input...you are on track with my thought process.

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If you can't fly to him can you afford to fly him to you? You'd at least have 2 weekends & nights.

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If you can't fly to him can you afford to fly him to you? You'd at least have 2 weekends & nights.

 

I'm going to try to get down there in the next two weeks.

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Okay, so I guess the purpose of this post was just to get these thoughts out. If you care to give input, please tell me how you'd handle the situation. Leave it alone or intervene. I feel sad. I miss my father. I have very little family and few close friends. I miss my mother. The whole thing just sucks.

 

Not sure there's many tougher situations out there. I have an in-law going through the same thing with her Dad, though there was a longer gap between the wife's passing and the new romance. I saw the gent recently, along with his new "partner", and they seem happy as clams - and oblivious to the cold stares directed her way by other family members.

 

Unless your Dad is compromised in his thoughts, memory and actions, I'd err on the side of discretion. Probably limit my input to a single private phone call about estate planning and asset protection, and let the rest go. If Carol drains him dry, it's his money to blow. Happens to many people much younger than your Dad.

 

I'll also add you'll only "miss" him if you let this distance you and define your relationship. If's he's happy, perhaps you should be too...

 

Mr. Lucky

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What worries me most about her is that she was insensitive to the point of almost abusive to your mother about her things, so I would be afraid she'd end up doing elder abuse to your dad.

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Not sure there's many tougher situations out there. I have an in-law going through the same thing with her Dad, though there was a longer gap between the wife's passing and the new romance. I saw the gent recently, along with his new "partner", and they seem happy as clams - and oblivious to the cold stares directed her way by other family members.

 

Unless your Dad is compromised in his thoughts, memory and actions, I'd err on the side of discretion. Probably limit my input to a single private phone call about estate planning and asset protection, and let the rest go. If Carol drains him dry, it's his money to blow. Happens to many people much younger than your Dad.

 

I'll also add you'll only "miss" him if you let this distance you and define your relationship. If's he's happy, perhaps you should be too...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thank you and I agree with much of your message. Only so much that can be done and it is HIS life and his finances. He does have some memory issues, but is overall pretty sharp for his age, so I'm not going to swoop in and try to take control of his decision making at this point. Sadly, I feel like I lost BOTH my parents. My parents were very close. He has jumped into that closeness with GF head on, referring to all things with a "we" this etc. I believe she is trying to distance him from my brother and I and he has always been one to put his spouses desires first...which in a more normal situation is lovely, this situation not so much. For example, this is the first year ever he didn't acknowledge my birthday, even with a call. He didn't acknowledge his granddaughter's high school graduation, even with a call. It's just sad. I feel like I'm whining, but may as well do that here.

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What worries me most about her is that she was insensitive to the point of almost abusive to your mother about her things, so I would be afraid she'd end up doing elder abuse to your dad.

 

 

 

Agreed, 100%. She made fun of her last "boyfriend" who was a young 82 and gave her a brand new car as a gift because he had an enlarged prostate and had urinary issues.

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LivingWaterPlease
For example, this is the first year ever he didn't acknowledge my birthday, even with a call. He didn't acknowledge his granddaughter's high school graduation, even with a call.

 

These two things are concerning. You mentioned his mind is still sharp but if he always has remembered your birthday I'd be concerned about his forgetting this, to me, big event. Also, did you let him know his granddaughter was graduating? With an announcement or a phone call?

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For example, this is the first year ever he didn't acknowledge my birthday, even with a call. He didn't acknowledge his granddaughter's high school graduation, even with a call. It's just sad.

 

The "Carol issue" aside, these are the kinds of things you'll have to help him with going forward. My Mom was always great with this stuff for kids and grandkids, but in her last years she just kind of lost track.

 

I'll repeat what I said before - if you want a relationship, it will increasingly be up to you to make it happen...

 

Mr. Lucky

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"She wanted the husband for herself"

 

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking just a paragraph into your post.

 

If your father's of sound mind there is little you can do that will not worsen the situation.

 

My advice is be upfront with your father about all your concerns. Tell him you will drop those concerns and support his new relationship if he gets a complete medical workup and talks to a counselor about the situation.

 

If he agrees, I think that's about all you can do except - that should give preraph's PI a chance to dig up the dirt. Divorced 3 times huh?

 

Best Wishes

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After my mother died, my dad started "keeping company" with a widow who had been their friend, both when her husband was alive & after he died. My parents had always made sure to include her once she was widowed.

 

Anyway, her BFF & partner in crime who I grew up with, who was also a widow acquiesced to her children's demands that she give up her BF. I thought her kids were jerks for making her because he was a nice guy who took her dancing all the time which she loved.

 

Fast forward about 6 months after my mom died & these two widows corner me at an event. They ask how I'd feel if dad started dating. I laughed before I realized that the one woman was sort of asking my permission. I managed to say something like I hope he finds some happiness & companionship & is not lonely. I'd prefer it not be thrown in my face. If he was happy & she was a good person I'd be OK but I might have some concerns if money started to change hands. In my situation the woman in Q had more money then my dad so it was never going to be an issue.

 

When you speak to your dad ask Qs about what you see as the bad behavior.

 

Did you know she made fun of her last
BF
?

 

How do you feel about that?

 

What do you think you would do if she made fun of you? How do you think I would feel?

 

Does it bother you that mom had reservations about her?

 

What does he know about Carol's finances?

 

Does it concern him that Carol has been divorced 3x vs him being married for 57 years?

 

Basically point out all the bad stuff but do it subtly in the form of Qs.

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The Outlaw

All you can really do is confront him with the facts you've learned about her. But at that age and being married for so long, loneliness will set in quickly because it's more than an adjustment to make. When my mom died almost three years ago, my dad dated briefly but got married only six months after she passed and it really isn't much of a marriage anymore. She doesn't contribute anything other than collecting a social security/disability check while he works and covers all the bills. You may not be able to sway your dad's decision, but planting that bug in his ear won't hurt. She needs to keep her distance away from him.

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The main thing that men are afraid of about getting married is finances, and honestly I would go straight at him about how a lot of old gold diggers are widow chasers just out to spend all your money. It sounds like you guys are being real polite about all this but I would put the fear of God into him about getting taken advantage of by her or other women and I would not talk about the finances how it concerns you and I would not talk about other things. I would just keep it focused on how many women are looking to take advantage of someone financially because a lot of men believe that deep down anyway. He is bound to have some concerns about it. I would say to also mention that at their ages why get married and mingle money at all. I can have just as good a time without being married and far less financial risk. It might be good for more than one of you and one of your brothers to have this talk with him and just tell him there's a bunch of gold diggers out there including old ones.

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These two things are concerning. You mentioned his mind is still sharp but if he always has remembered your birthday I'd be concerned about his forgetting this, to me, big event. Also, did you let him know his granddaughter was graduating? With an announcement or a phone call?

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, he knew of my daughter’s graduation. I didn’t expect that he’d attend, but he knew the plan and had previously called and spoke with he granddaughters independent of my relationship with him. In past years he attended one of my daughters graduations and called/sent flowers to my other daughter. He has NEVER blown off a family birthday, big into cheesy cards and calling and singing. He had just gotten back that day from Bermuda with Carol so maybe he was tired and forgot. Who knows.

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First thing, I’m so sorry for the loss of you mom. I too lost my mom to cancer, after a short but aggressive illness. It was very difficult - even without the stress that you are experiencing with your father.

 

I was amazed at how many women were waiting to seize the opportunity after my mother passed away. Women were calling within weeks, asking him to meet for coffee... I knew that it would happen, I was surprised by how bold they were.

 

My father also started another relationship shortly after my mom’s death. It was brutally hard. You have no control here, if he choses to be with this woman the only thing you can do is express your concern and limit your contact. I’m sorry.

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First thing, I’m so sorry for the loss of you mom. I too lost my mom to cancer, after a short but aggressive illness. It was very difficult - even without the stress that you are experiencing with your father.

 

I was amazed at how many women were waiting to seize the opportunity after my mother passed away. Women were calling within weeks, asking him to meet for coffee... I knew that it would happen, I was surprised by how bold they were.

 

My father also started another relationship shortly after my mom’s death. It was brutally hard. You have no control here, if he choses to be with this woman the only thing you can do is express your concern and limit your contact. I’m sorry.

 

Thanks for this, seems you truly can relate. There were lots of ladies who came knocking, casserole in hand. I get it...life is short...really short at that age. I also knew it wouldn’t be long before he coupled with someone...just didn’t think it would be this particular woman. It is more the individual than opposing him meeting someone new. I love your signature line by the way, will definitely apply it to my own life. Sorry about your mom.

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Try telling him that . . .but gently, that it's not him moving on but him moving on with her. Does your dad have a BFF? Is he religious? Is there a trusted contemporary who may be able to help him?

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ItÂ’s actually quite common for a widower to get into a relationship or remarry quickly after his wife died. I think older men in general have a hard time living alone. Also, thereÂ’re many more available women at that age group.

 

I knew a woman with a similar story. When she was about 40, a church friend of hers in his mid-50s became a widower, and they got married within a year. The last I heard, his adult children were still very upset.

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Thanks for this, seems you truly can relate. There were lots of ladies who came knocking, casserole in hand. I get it...life is short...really short at that age. I also knew it wouldn’t be long before he coupled with someone...just didn’t think it would be this particular woman. It is more the individual than opposing him meeting someone new. Sorry about your mom.

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, life is short. That’s what my dad told us all the time. Life is short and if we truly loved him, we would want him to be happy. I would respond - your wife of 40 years just died a traumatic death, you’re not supposed to be happy six months after her death.

 

Seriously, we knew better than anyone that life is short and of course I want my dad to be happy. Still, there is a way to do it that is respectful and considerate to everyone. That is what my dad didn’t understand. Although to his credit, he was lost and really struggling... we tried to remember that and respond with kindness and compassion. It was still, really hard.

 

The woman he chose, my mother’s sister’s best friend. My poor aunt had to watch her best friend move into her sisters home months after her passing... It was brutal. It almost cost all of us our relationship. But, time heals all things. We are now several years out and things are much better. Among the things I had to make peace with, if he chose a relationship and it went bad - that was his decision. If he chose a relationship and he decided to give her all his money - that was his decision. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened. But still, I let go of any expectation - including that he would know that he should show up at a special gathering, with card or gift in hand... ;)

 

It’s a hard shift, when your family has been whole and happy for your entire life.

 

Hugs.

Edited by BaileyB
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Try telling him that . . .but gently, that it's not him moving on but him moving on with her. Does your dad have a BFF? Is he religious? Is there a trusted contemporary who may be able to help him?

 

Yes, probably. This relationship has alienated him within his small community. Part of that is due to the fact that his ex best friend and neighbor already dated this woman carol who he met online and he introduced her to the community. She was disliked. It was my own mother who felt badly for her and invited her to join her book club.?

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Carol does seem like a piece of work.

 

Any chance you can run her off or buy her off? Somebody suggested getting a private detective to investigate her. I'm not a sneaky manipulative person generally but with her, I might turn on a recorder & engage her in conversation baiting her to say bad things. If you get anything juicy play it for dear old dad before it's too late.

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