Little Bird Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 (edited) My sister has been dating her boyfriend for a year. They live together and fight all the time because he has a spending problem and is really irresponsible. For example, he quit his job without looking for a new job first, then continued to buy expensive designer clothes, a Nintendo Switch and other expensive unnecessary things when he had no job for several months. My sister was also paying their full rent, working 2 jobs. He also refused to do things like cut his spending while out of a job while being perfectly ok with my sister working her butt off to pay their rent. She doesn't have her own car so he had to drive her to work but then became furious and annoyed at her because he hated driving her (rush hour traffic stresses him out), so he said he didn't want to give her rides even though he wasn't working and her job was paying their rent. He has this mentality that makes him avoid anything unpleasant. Whenever my sister tries to talk about problems like his spending or times when he's hurt her feelings he just shuts her down and refuses to talk about it. He is very irresponsible, like losing his phone all the time ( lost it twice this year), drives his motorcycle without a license, has poor dental self-care ( some teeth rotted away and he had to get implants). It's pathetic because he's not even 30 and he's already lost most of his teeth!. Anyways, I can't stand how he treats my sister and I just dislike him. I haven't hung out with my sister in a long time because she always has to bring him. She broke up with him once but they got back together. How do I deal with this? I've tried telling her she deserves better and giving her advice but she just does what she wants. How do I have a relationship with her with her boyfriend in the picture? I find I can't even be around her and them together because I get so frustrated and annoyed inside knowing they're together. Edited June 15, 2019 by Little Bird Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 You don't TELL her. You ASK her. When she tells you things about him ask her how she feels about it. Ask her if she wishes things were different. Make sure she feels supported & loved by you rather then attacked. When she finally comes to her senses & dumps this mooch she will need you, her beloved sister, more then ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Little Bird Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 I've only given her advice when she's asked for it. I never tell her but am always available when she needs it. My problem is how to act around her boyfriend who I really dislike. I've always been friendly towards him even when inside it takes all my will power. My problem is I don't feel motivated to be around them and socialize with them because he's always with her. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 Both my sisters were in the position you are in now when I was with my exH. One of them especially disliked him on sight, and gradually grew to despise him as she saw how badly he was treating me. She said how frustrated, sad and worried she was and how she felt powerless as an outsider. There isn't much you can do other than support you sister, tbh, and wait in the wings until the inevitable happens. Cutting her off would only increase her issues - she can't see it now, but these types of people often come with a controlling, manipulative nature - my ex's master plan was to isolate me from everyone I knew and cared for. Lucky for me, it didn't work (we are rock solid, very supportive of each other as a sisterhood of 3) - do you think you can keep your feelings for her bf to yourself and let her come to her senses on her own? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 So put some distance in here. If she asks why tell her you hate seeing how he treats her. Link to post Share on other sites
Little Bird Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 For example, when she broke up with him I let her stay with me and she told me everything she felt and she was clearly unhappy. I listened and gave her advice that she didn't need a boyfriend if he was making her unhappy. She decided to go back to him anyways, after one day. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 Get read for a roller coaster of leaving and coming back. My own experience is that I married him (my own inexperience and naivety, combined with his manipulations, did not help). It was totally awful, full of lies, isolation, mistreatment, stonewalling, deceit and gaslighting so bad I almost lost my sanity. it took me 3 years to leave him and honestly, I was so far gone down the rabbit hole that I may not have made it through in one piece if it wasn't for my kids (I had 2 with him - it lasted much longer than a year for me unfortunately) and my family. All this to say, hopefully she'll see the light soon; until then, you will need to arm yourself with a lot of patience (believe me, she'll be super grateful). Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 How do I deal with this? I've tried telling her she deserves better and giving her advice but she just does what she wants. How do I have a relationship with her with her boyfriend in the picture? I find I can't even be around her and them together because I get so frustrated and annoyed inside knowing they're together. Well don't go around her when or if her bf is there. You can't control who she loves or wants to be with all you can do is adjust your visits to when he isn't home or ask her to meet you elsewhere to hang out. If she's happy with him then you shouldn't let it upset you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 It sucks but it's out of your control. All you can do is hold your tongue, maintain some distance.. and hope that she comes to her senses. It's her life.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Tell her you miss spending sister time with her and plan a "just sisters" evening with the two of you. Don't talk about her bf since now it's a touchy subject. She knows you and probably everybody else in her life doesn't like him but she's not ready to let go of him and is being stubborn too. Just be there for her when it all falls apart. And it will one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Silvia11 Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 My sister has been dating her boyfriend for a year. They live together and fight all the time because he has a spending problem and is really irresponsible. For example, he quit his job without looking for a new job first, then continued to buy expensive designer clothes, a Nintendo Switch and other expensive unnecessary things when he had no job for several months. My sister was also paying their full rent, working 2 jobs. He also refused to do things like cut his spending while out of a job while being perfectly ok with my sister working her butt off to pay their rent. She doesn't have her own car so he had to drive her to work but then became furious and annoyed at her because he hated driving her (rush hour traffic stresses him out), so he said he didn't want to give her rides even though he wasn't working and her job was paying their rent. He has this mentality that makes him avoid anything unpleasant. Whenever my sister tries to talk about problems like his spending or times when he's hurt her feelings he just shuts her down and refuses to talk about it. He is very irresponsible, like losing his phone all the time ( lost it twice this year), drives his motorcycle without a license, has poor dental self-care ( some teeth rotted away and he had to get implants). It's pathetic because he's not even 30 and he's already lost most of his teeth!. Anyways, I can't stand how he treats my sister and I just dislike him. I haven't hung out with my sister in a long time because she always has to bring him. She broke up with him once but they got back together. How do I deal with this? I've tried telling her she deserves better and giving her advice but she just does what she wants. How do I have a relationship with her with her boyfriend in the picture? I find I can't even be around her and them together because I get so frustrated and annoyed inside knowing they're together. I guess you shoud share your thoughts with her about this guy once again! She must brake up with him immediately! It is obvious that she is on wrong way and she will understand it but it will be too late. I hope you will persuade her. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 (edited) You don't deal with this because it's not for you to deal with. It's not your business. It's for your sister to deal with. You can give advice, sure, but don't stress her out any more than she already is and don't tell her what to do. She wont appreciate it. You just have to let her get on with it until she realizes for herself that he has to go. There is only so mush of that crap a person can take. There is nothing you can do but be patient and be there for her. Edited July 4, 2019 by Maddie82 Link to post Share on other sites
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