was I wrong to "force" my BIL to come?

[d0nnivain]

My other MIL (not the crazy one) is throwing a surprise milestone birthday party for my FIL later this summer. They recently lost a friend to cancer & FIL has some health issues. He's also the oldest male member of his family ever. DH's line doesn't have longevity. MIL wants to make memories & I applaud the sentiment.

 

Anyway, MIL offered to pay for all the kids & their SOs to fly to them for the party. BIL said he couldn't go because he has to go camping with his wife & her family. Those people live 10 minutes away from BIL & his wife. They see each other weekly. BIL hasn't seen his dad in 2 years. Before that he hadn't seen dad in 4 years; it was 5 before that but at the time he was living with FIL after having screwed up his life terribly before he had to go jail. It was a mess. FIL has spent countless dollars on BIL trying to fix all his mistakes.

 

Years ago DH & I threw a similar party for crazy MIL. We offered to pay for everybody's tickets & gave everybody including BIL 2 years notice. When I reached out about 6 months before the event to schedule the plane rides, BIL announces he can't get the time off. He had 2 jobs: fast food & bartending. It was the time of year when both his employers were slow. I begged him for 3 more months to figure it out. He & his then GF (now wife) didn't come & my crazy MIL pouted the entire time he wasn't here, even though she lived with him at the time. He told her that he couldn't attend because he didn't have the money for the tickets & he didn't have enough notice. I still have a bad taste in my mouth over that.

 

Anyway the other night DH & I were talking to BIL. He called to give us an update about crazy MIL. He let it slip that the camping trip with his ILs was the weekend before & that after work Friday night he was free until Monday morning -- had the whole weekend of FILs party off.

 

I called him out & demanded to know why he wasn't coming. He whined that he couldn't afford it. I reminded him that MIL was paying. All he had to do was pay for airport parking (which I promise you will be cheaper then his bar bill for his weekend days off). I then reminded him about the reasons for this party: the death of FIL's friend & FIL's own poor health. I finished my little guilt trip by asking how he'd feel if FIL died & he missed this party. He finally got the message & agreed to come to the party.

 

When I reached out to MIL to talk about arrangements she told me I shouldn't have "forced" BIL to come. I really take umbrage at that characterization. I didn't force anybody to do anything. He still has free will & could have said no. All I did was talk to a coddled man child like an adult & give him a swift kick in the ***. Seriously, he has been allowed to get away with so much over the years because he's "misunderstood" & had a hard life. BS. He's just lazy & entitled & I'm sick of his nonsense.

 

Somebody please tell me how to deal with DH's family! I'm not the stay out of it type.

 

DH is happy I convinced his brother to attend the party. He doesn't want a repeat of MILs party where everyone bemoaned BIL's absence.

 

 

I just don't understand this family.

Edited June 9, 2019 by d0nnivain

[nospam99]

DH is happy I convinced his brother to attend the party. He doesn't want a repeat of MILs party where everyone bemoaned BIL's absence.

 

That's more important than any 'absolution' you'll get here. [nospam hits d0nni between eyes with 2x4]

[d0nnivain]

That's more important than any 'absolution' you'll get here. [nospam hits d0nni between eyes with 2x4]

 

Violence is not necessary . . . but point taken.

 

Believe me if I didn't know before I spoke that I had DH's support I would never have opened my mouth.

[FMW]

We can't please everyone all the time (that sometimes is even more true with family), so as nospam said, if your husband is happy I wouldn't worry too much about it.

 

I think it shows you care about your husband and his family and want to bring them together to enjoy their connection while it's still possible. So you did a good thing with good intentions.

 

Your MIL might just not want to have to deal with any drama or whining coming from the BIL, and maybe your FIL would have been ok with his absence. My mom is very close with her siblings and was always trying to get my dad to be closer with his sisters, but (for good reason in my mind) he could take them or leave them. Everyone's family dynamics are different.

[d0nnivain]

maybe your FIL would have been ok with his absence.

 

FIL is stoic. He would never say anything but his heart will be broken one more time by BIL, his neer-do-well son, who let him down yet again. Most people will miss that pain in FILs eyes but I will see it & it will break my heart. I am literally one of about 2 people on this earth who knows FIL has feelings. Much to his initial chagrin I wormed my way in early on in my marriage to DH, in part because he's so bristly that few people dare to try. Now I'm a trusted confidante. He still won't say anything but I don't want to see him hurt.

 

When DH & his siblings were little, their father was a raging alcoholic & a nasty drunk. He's been sober for over 25 years & is truly a good man now. I have said to my SIL that her father was a son-of-a-b1tch but my FIL is a great guy & she should try to get to know him. That helped their relationship tremendously. BIL took the brunt of FILs problems as a kid but they have interacted amicably before. I'm not bringing up bad memories & once he gets there BIL will be the life of the party. BIL is just looking for sympathy. . .I've seen this before with him. Meanwhile FIL bends over backwards trying to make up for his drunken mistakes when BIL was younger.

Edited June 9, 2019 by d0nnivain

[FMW]

My xH's mother had serious issues with her own mother, lots of resentment from experiences earlier in her life with her. The "granny" I knew was a sweet and caring person and I cringed at the brusqueness with which her daughter treated her.

 

Sadly, I don't think old wounds can always be healed.

 

You did a sweet thing for your FIL, I hope the get together goes really well for everyone.

[preraph]

I just hope those two don't get into it since it sounds like there's a lot of anger between them, but I agree it's time for the BIL to show up out of respect and one day he'll be glad he did (unless he gets in a fight with him) after he passes.

[d0nnivain]

I just hope those two don't get into it since it sounds like there's a lot of anger between them.

 

 

They do not fight. I didn't even know about the past history until about 3-4 years ago. I have seen them together on many occasions. It's really that BIL just doesn't think about anybody but himself. FIL is the 1st one BIL asks for a handout all the time but that is another story & none of my business.

[Foxhall]

You remind me a little of my cousin,

 

anyway I think you got a good outcome here, you achieved your aim of convincing BIL (I love these acronyms!) to go to the party,

 

your issue is the slightly unfavourable reaction from your MIL,

 

This strikes me as a typical reaction from their generation, I think it is a perfectly fine reaction , they just prefer to step back and let people make their own minds up even though she probably does want him to attend deep down!

 

Anyway you have achieved a good outcome, immersing yourself in other peoples affairs even with good intentions will leave you open to a certain amount of criticism and your getting a little bit of heat from your MIL.

 

perhaps do not be as sensitive to this,

[Lotsgoingon]

Well there's dysfunction in your MIL's statement that you should not have "forced" this guy to come to the gathering. Just that language reveals some really deep dysfunction.

 

Either she is faking it with you (she's delighted her son will come) and is merely being mannerable ... but more likely, she really doesn't understand how loaded the word "force" is ... Behind that can be all kinds of other weird thinking--like her asking your BIL to attend would have been manipulative. Asking, even confronting someone, is not manipulative.

 

Sounds to me like MIL is playing the martyr, passive role ... the "I'm OK" role even though things aren't OK. So if MIL is acting like this, there's probably broader family dysfunction.

 

I do caution you ... sometimes people don't want to show up because there are legitimate grievances that cannot be papered over by a few hours of family time together. You say this guy will be the life of the party. That's great to hear. In my own family, the people who act like your BIL ... if someone convinces them to come to a gathering ... would act out and create all kinds of tensions and conflict at the gathering.

 

You can't really rescue and fix the in-laws ... and if they can't get a son to show up, that's an issue that ultimately they have to fix. Most likely the reason he agreed to come this time was because getting pressured from you didn't feel like pressure from his immediate family members. BTW: he may be lazy and entitled ... but he also probably feels ashamed of his failures and ashamed of being around his FIL. And frankly, your FIL simply might not like the son.

 

Anyway, you didn't do anything wrong ... The MIL could have just thanked you. But be careful about assuming that getting BIL to show up will somehow heal all wounds ... hopefully there will be some healing, but don't over-invest in that hope.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[d0nnivain]

MIL doesn't have to thank me. In fact BIL's presence will cost her money. Remember, she's paying for his ticket.

 

BIL is not her son. She's the 2nd wife of my husband's father. Hence, why I have 2 MILs -- the crazy one (read all my house threads) & her.

 

I was just upset about the "forced" comment. I admit I used strong language with him but he's a 50 year old man & a veteran. He also towers over me & this was a phone conversation from 1000 miles away. There is absolutely no force involved.

[Lotsgoingon]

I hear you ... I said MIL could thank you because you are arranging a reunion, right?! ... That's worth far more than travel costs if the FIL is seriously ill.

 

I know you didn't do it for applause ... but the whole "forced" comment definitely was off ... Parents (non-abusive ones) can barely "force" their teenagers to do something.

 

Badgering, pushing, cajoling--not close to "forcing" in the context of two mature and grown adults. You spoke "forcefully" because the stakes are high. Nothing in the least bit wrong with that. Again MIL sounds like she has some boundaries problems--for her to make a comment like that.

[alphamale]

you should stay out of the business of your in-laws but you can meddle with your own family

[d0nnivain]

you should stay out of the business of your in-laws but you can meddle with your own family

 

 

My ILs are my family. IMO when you get married, you are all in this together.

 

Plus my parents are dead.

 

Moreover, MIL has asked me to do a number of other things associated with this party including getting DH's aunts / FILs sisters to RSVP. That one I said no to because those women have been nasty to me (& FIL & MIL) for years. It is one of the reasons MIL thinks the aunts / sisters aren't responding.

 

I'm a fixer & a meddler. It's just who I am.

 

Most times the whole family comes to me when they want to influence a certain outcome.

 

Really alphamale -- I was expecting way more snark from you. Something crack against my BILs masculinity if I can "force" a grown man through 1 phone call over 1,000 miles away. Are you losing your touch?

 

[i'm teasing]

[alphamale]

My ILs are my family. IMO when you get married, you are all in this together.

yes, I was married once, I know

 

 

Plus my parents are dead.

I'm so sorry, I lost my mom 22 yrs ago, it still hurts

 

Really alphamale -- I was expecting way more snark from you. Something crack against my BILs masculinity if I can "force" a grown man through 1 phone call over 1,000 miles away. Are you losing your touch?

 

[i'm teasing]

 

[beatcuff]

help me here:

BIL hasn't seen his dad in 2 years. Before that he hadn't seen dad in 4 years; it was 5 before that

so in 11 years he has seen his dad 3 times?!?

I'm a fixer & a meddler.

and you have no idea why? i think you are not so much a 'meddler' (you would know why) or a 'fixer' (you would have helped get a resolution by now) but rather a 'can't we all just get along --- for a couple of hours'. which you confirmed by coercing BIL to come.

[d0nnivain]

DH's family doesn't see each other much because they live all over the country. We're closet to BIL & other MIL, that is a 2_ hour plane ride. We'll be on a plane for almost 5 hours to get to this party, then a 2 hour drive from the AP. Other SIL lives on west coast.

 

They don't see each other because of money, time & distance in that order.

[amaysngrace]

You didn’t force him to do anything. He’s a grown man.

 

But he’s got a lot of nerve venting to your MIL about the reasons why he’s doing the right thing. And she does too for making sure his vent got back to you.

 

Ugh, no wonder why everyone lives apart from each other. It all makes so much sense.

[d0nnivain]

But he’s got a lot of nerve venting to your MIL about the reasons why he’s doing the right thing. And she does too for making sure his vent got back to you.

 

He didn't vent to her. I told her he's now agreed to come.

 

The last time MIL paid to have all kids fly to them for FILs birthday she gave me her credit card & I had to make the arrangements for the others. She didn't trust them with her info

Edited June 10, 2019 by d0nnivain

[amaysngrace]

Ah, my bad. I totally misinterpreted that!

 

Will she count the silver when they leave?

[d0nnivain]

Will she count the silver when they leave?

 

No he's not that bad!

[amaysngrace]

Sounds like he takes after his mom and your hubby takes after his dad more.

 

I think you did the right thing by your gentle persuasion. Your FIL will be pleased and it’s his big day so it’s like a really good present you gave him.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you Amy.

[The Outlaw]

Your BIL sounds like my sister. She always has some sort of an excuse as to why she can't do this, or that. But he sounds like (no disrespect) a taker and not a giver. And you were right to get him to agree to come. He could very well regret it if he dodges this at the last moment and something happens.