Abusive Mother Follow Up, What Does She Mean By These Things?

[DragonzRoost]

Did she change at all, what was her intent saying these things and what do they mean?

 

I have been thinking over the past day, if my Mother had made any effort to change. When I met her, everything seemed fine however, when I sat outside and she sat down next to me, some of the things she said had left me feeling confused.

 

1) She asked "Have things been hard?"

 

Me: "yes in the past, but I love my Husband and marriage very much, so I have been very happy.

 

2) She responded "Does he know you like (list ethnicity) men?"

I guess she said this because I grew up liking the specific ethnic men that my Husband is, but this has nothing to do with why we are married.

 

Me: "Yes?.... He knows.. (Not sure where she was going with that ) Then we got into a small conversation about some funny past things.

 

3) She then said "I know its hard with autism, to communicate and everything, so I understand its not easy coming forward." (Again had nothing to do with it.)

 

Me: "Please don't mention my disability, because I feel its not important and does not reflect who I am." She then agreed not to..

 

4) After this she finished saying "I would like us to both go to therapy, but its not going to be us talking about the past. Its not this happened to me or I did this, but the therapist will ask how we are feeling." She then brought up going to therapy with my Grandmother and saying that she just talked about the past to the therapist and doesn't want this with our therapy session.

 

Me: "I know how therapy works, I've been in serious therapy for 2 years." I also thought to myself (How can a therapist help us or ask how we feel, if they know nothing about the past or situation?"

 

5) She said "Be honest with me and tell me where we are and how you feel?"

 

I responded "There are bridges that will never be repaired that are gone forever." She said "Are they bridges that you think are gone, but are still there?"

 

Me: "No they are gone forever and will never be repaired...." (Like why question it?)

 

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Then yesterday late afternoon as everything was ending, she asked for my number and I said no. I told her that she could give me an email, but I would give her nothing in return.

My Husband then told me that she tried to give her number to my him saying, "Just for when she is ready to contact me." but he refused to take it. (Relief)

 

She then said to my Husband "Take care of her, for me okay.."

What on Earth was her intent behind this? Take care of me? Like he hasn't been caring for me or even that I can't take care of myself? He stated that though it appeared kind, it also came off fake and left him feeling weird.

 

 

Can anyone translate to me what she might be trying to do? Does it sound like any change has taken place or is she still trying to control and manipulate me? She has a controlling voice still and somewhat fake personality. Its hard to tell what her intent was and reading her is incredibly difficult..

Edited May 13, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[Dandelioness]

 

1) She asked "Have things been hard?"

 

Me: "yes in the past, but I love my Husband and marriage very much, so I have been very happy.

 

2) She responded "Does he know you like (list ethnicity) men?"

 

3) She then said "I know its hard with autism, to communicate and everything, so I understand its not easy coming forward."

 

4) After this she finished saying "I would like us to both go to therapy, but its not going to be us talking about the past. Its not this happened to me or I did this, but the therapist will ask how we are feeling."

 

5) She said "Be honest with me and tell me where we are and how you feel?"

 

I responded "There are bridges that will never be repaired that are gone forever." She said "Are they bridges that you think are gone, but are still there?"

 

My responses are numbered according to the quote above. I don't know your story though.

 

#1 First I thought she wanted to know how the past affected your current life as an adult. But now I'm uncertain if she's just wondering if your 'Autism' has made your life difficult.

 

#2 Strange question. "Does the husband know you like his ethnicity".. ?? Does 'she' not like his ethnicity? What's the revelance of her question?

 

#3 Not easy coming forward - as in you not disclosing about having autism? I'm guessing she's implying your communication difficulties is due to your disorder rather than anything she's ever done. (It's hard for 'anyone' to communicate with someone they either fear or distrust.)

 

#4 Does this mean she's wanting you to meet 'her' therapist? If so, it sounds like they've discussed boundaries on what she's willing to discuss. It's a bit controlling and makes me question whether she's been able to hold herself accountable for anything.

 

#5 Sounds like gaslighting. ".. the bridges that YOU THINK are gone BUT ARE STILL THERE." .. because you have Autism vs because her actions caused a lot of pain.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can anyone translate to me what she might be trying to do? Does it sound like any change has taken place or is she still trying to control and manipulate me? She has a controlling voice still and somewhat fake personality. Its hard to tell what her intent was and reading her is incredibly difficult..

 

It's easy to say you're over-reacting to everything she says (which you are), but I understand there's a history involved.

 

So I'll just say this - you're approaching this as though she's trying to take something from you, namely your independence and peace of mind. The truth is, she only has the power you give her. Engage or not, your choice. Communicate or not, your choice. Visit or not, your choice.

 

Stop looking for what she wants and start thinking about what you're comfortable offering. If you're indeed in therapy, I'd work there on how you can empower your own choices when it comes to her or anyone else.

 

She can ask for anything. What you give her, up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Dragon I have just read all of your threads and the impression I have of your mother is that she still has a long ways to go when it comes to changing. Sounds like she's trying and I give her credit for that but she still doesn't really get it.

 

Her request that you attend therapy with her but not talk about the past is controlling. It's also absurd as you haven't had a relationship with her in years so the only things you can talk about happened in the past. Also does she not think that the therapist will ask questions regarding the past? She wants to talk about feelings but not the history? How does she think that will go?

 

Therapist:: Dragon, how do you feel about your mother?

Dragon: I don't trust her. I feel like she abused me and abandoned me when I most

needed her.

Therapist:: Why do you feel like that's the case?

Dragon: Oh, no reason....er, I can't tell you.

 

 

Lol, that's ridiculous. Your mother wants to repair the relationship on her terms with no regard for what is best for you and your healing. She wants you to forgive her and have a relationship with her because that will make her happy, but she doesn't want to be held accountable for what she did. By telling you what you're allowed to talk about in therapy she is showing that her interest is still on herself and what is good for her. As long as that is her mindset there is no point in going forward with her.

[preraph]

Well, it might be a good idea to go to therapy with her, but yes, no therapist in her right mind will be able to deal with it without knowing some background. Still, why not just ask your current therapist what she thinks about it -- or ask your mother to do it WITH your current therapist. Might be good to get some things off your chest. She may be realizing you're a grown woman now and acknowledging that in some way. Not sure why she asked the ethnicity thing.

[darkmoon]

I agree with everybody.

 

 

Too, I have a couple of questions ...

 

 

1/ What did, or will, your family say to the therapist about why you need therapy? Details please. I wonder how much of an adult you are to them? As in, an adult has a right to know what is going on, while a child has limited rights.

 

 

2/ Test them. Can you go to a therapist alone, if you want? One you like. If your family refuse, then they are controlling you.

Edited May 18, 2019 by darkmoon