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Does my mom hate me?


livinglife2019

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livinglife2019

It all came to a head on Sunday.

 

It was my birthday on Sunday, I had organized a meal with my family. My sister came and we went out for dinner. My mother and her partner had a nap and didn’t bother coming to my birthday dinner. Which really got to me. Anyway I eventually met up with them later that evening for a drink and emotions boiled over and a massive argument erupted. I won’t lie and say I didn’t say some nasty things because I did, there’s a lot more to this than just skipping my birthday dinner for a nap. Eventually she told me out of her 4 children I was the one she hated. And that was the last time we spoke. It did upset me and I still wonder if there is any truth to it.

 

Now I live it at home with her so I have been keeping my distance. The reason I got so annoyed about not showing up to my birthday dinner was she never wants to do anything. She’d rather sit in the same pub and drink beer instead of spending time with her children. For instance we all wanted to bring her out for mother’s day but instead she went to the pub by herself. Now I would say she was an alcoholic or anything but she does choose the bar over us. I just turned 27 and I can’t tell you how I’d love to be able to go for a walk and a chat with my mum but she has no interest. My sisters have offered to bring her out for dinner countless times to some nice spots in town all of which was turned Down.

 

It’s sad and infuriating that we just want to spend some quality time but she never does. I am the only child who is still at home, even then we never have conversations she won’t ask about how I’m doing how is work or college going nothing. It’s like she doesn’t want to know.

 

All I want is to have a relationship with my mum where we can go for coffee, lunch, walks etc and spend quality family time together but unless it’s in the pub she drinks in at the weekends it will never happen. Has anyone any advice?

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That's just not your mom. Even if she agreed to do it, she be wishing she was doing her usual routine. I agree she isn't a very great mother to be so unavailable. But I will agree with her that on Mother's Day, she should get to do what she wants.

 

Sorry that is the situation. I would just caution you not to waste your whole life trying to gain her approval and attention. I know someone who did that, and it's just not fair. Hold her to the same standards you would anyone else. I have told my mother before, "No one in my life would ever say anything that rude to me except you." That gave her a little perspective.

 

Meanwhile, you need to move out and get your own place and just stop dealing with it. When you're living with them, you go by their routine and rules. Get out of there.

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Youngestdaughter

Sweetie, I am so sorry. I don't want to bad mouth your mother. But I will say that it is just not normal not to want to spend time with your kids. What was she like when you were growing up? Because some women just don't have that bonding instinct. That's horrible for you and I'm sorry. But it has nothing to do with you. I know we all love our mothers, even though we hate them. But you and your siblings are just going to have to accept that. My house was the one all the kids wanted to come to. I paid special attention to the ones with disinterested mothers. Do you have an aunt or someone else to fill that role? Cuz your mother doesn't deserve her kids to even want to spend time with her. I hope you have a great mother in law.

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Your mother doesn't hate you but she is an alcoholic Give yourself a great birthday present: go to an Al-Anon meeting & then go to an ALCOA (adult children of alcoholics) meeting. They will help you understand why you mom acts the way she does. My mom was an alcoholic; I remember the struggle to get her to pay attention to me rather than the bottle.

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amaysngrace

Maybe she resents the fact that you’re still living home at your age? I don’t know, I’m kind of looking forward to the day I have my house to myself.

 

Well, me and some dogs.

 

But nearly thirty years of daily parenting would be a lot for anyone, I would think.

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bathtub-row

I doubt that she hates you but what a completely horrible thing for a parent to say to their child!

 

I think you’d do yourself and your mother a huge favor if you’d stop trying to push this relationship. I’m not sure why she even had children but, the truth is, she’s far too self-centered to be a good parent. This is a person who wants her alone time and who values drinking over all else. And, yes, she’s an alcoholic. However, that’s her business and you need to just leave her alone about doing or not doing whatever she wants. Stop trying to push a relationship that can’t exist. It’s not about you, it’s about her.

 

Btw, you’re too old to be living at home. See if you can make other arrangements.

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As someone who grew up with an emotionally immature, negligent, uncaring mother, my advice is to stop focusing on her and focus on yourself. Just set your eyes on your personal goals, finishing college, career, your own family, travel, whatever you want to do with your life, and don't let this self-absorbed woman drag you down with her negativity. I don't care what happened in her life to make her want to sit in a pub all day, but that alone speaks volumes about what sort of person she is - a loser! Women who choose substance abuse over their children need a good, really hard kick up the rear.

Sadly, she will never be the kind of mother you want, and she will no doubt be rubbish at being a grandmother as well. I really think there should be a special day set aside for women like your mother, like Mothers Day, except it should be called Selfish Bitch Day.

If all else fails, spit in her beer when she's not looking, she deserves it.

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whichwayisup

It's crappy that your mom missed your bday dinner.

 

She is who she is and she's not going to change. You can hope to have a relationship with her, a closeness and a friendship but sadly that isn't who she is. She's selfish and wrapped up in her own life, her feelings and sadly she has emotional baggage and some wounds that have NOTHING to do with you or your siblings, so she can't or won't be emotionally close to any of you.

 

It's hurtful and I feel for you.

 

All I can say is focus on you, the positives in your life and don't rely on her for approval or put any expectations on her... If you do, you'll just continue to feel hurt and be disappointed.

 

You have close friends, siblings and other family members to give you the love and support you need.

 

It's not worth fighting with her about it. It hurts you more than her, does damage to you, not her.

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Mine wanted to be in my life once she got to her mid-sixties. I think she wanted me to look after her in her od age. But I needed to be free of her, having suffered cold sweats and panic when around her, the result of being abused as a kid. But saying time changes things... you could say that I got the last laugh.

Edited by darkmoon
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