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I'm 19, discovered my dad's cheating on my mom


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 13th March 2019, 10:44 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
Actually there are people suggesting he tell her without getting adult support.. and you are right this was my experience on what happened to me and it seems I'm the only one giving advice to the OP from the perspective of having done this before...I do and have suggested the op get adult support
You were in a different situation. It was your STEP mom. You had no support. It would be different if OP had the step mom , not biological mother. If her mother loves her a lot, she will defend her from the father and she will have her mother by her side forever.

The father will be mad as h8ll, no doubt about it.

It all depends on the mother's character and the bond between them.
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:48 AM   #62
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You were in a different situation. It was your STEP mom. You had no support.
Well.. that is just rude...

My Step Mom helped raise me and I have always considered myself to have 2 Mom's...
In my family a Step Parent is a PARENT and she was a MOM to me.. just as I was a Step Dad to my Step Daughter, I was her Dad as well..

I had support, I chose not to use it and went from the hip...
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:51 AM   #63
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The father will be mad as h8ll, no doubt about it.

Yeah.. you never know how they will react, my father never laid a hand on me growing up except the little spanking but when he found out what I did he took a long metal blade and put it to my throat while I was in the garage and threatened to kill me and then mentioned something along the lines of being shot down in flames by his own blood...

I would have never figured that would have been his reaction.. BUT IT WAS
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:56 AM   #64
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Well.. that is just rude...

My Step Mom helped raise me and I have always considered myself to have 2 Mom's...
In my family a Step Parent is a PARENT and she was a MOM to me.. just as I was a Step Dad to my Step Daughter, I was her Dad as well..

I had support, I chose not to use it and went from the hip...
Sorry, you're right, I project my own misconceptions/stereotype about step parents. I tend to believe they rarely even like the kids, let alone love them and that when they do love them it's the exception not the rule.

Perhaps your step mom loved you just as much as I love my son.

I would still say to proceed with caution and it all depends on the mom. How much would the mom protect the kid. Mom could choose not to tell dad that she found out from the kid. It's really on the mom and I would still tell the mom, no the dad.
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Old 13th March 2019, 11:06 AM   #65
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Personally I think its not the kids (even adult kid) position to meddle with her parents marriage. Its just like the kid shouldnt be shared the sex life between her parents.
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Old 13th March 2019, 11:28 AM   #66
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Personally I think its not the kids (even adult kid) position to meddle with her parents marriage. Its just like the kid shouldnt be shared the sex life between her parents.
Sex is a good time. Knowing someone is being cheated on is seeing them being betrayed and humiliated.

Im really glad my daughter said shed tell her dad to tell me or else she would. Shed put the blame squarely back where it belongs and still have my back in the process without owning it herself.

That sounds completely healthy to me.
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Old 13th March 2019, 11:31 AM   #67
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OP hasn't posted in several pages, and the two camps should agree to disagree, none of us will convince the other to switch sides, but I think we each have enough to appreciate the other side's point of view.
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Old 13th March 2019, 11:37 AM   #68
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Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
Yeah.. you never know how they will react, my father never laid a hand on me growing up except the little spanking but when he found out what I did he took a long metal blade and put it to my throat while I was in the garage and threatened to kill me and then mentioned something along the lines of being shot down in flames by his own blood...
Im very sorry you went through that. He took all his junk and threw it on you in a most horrible way.

Strange how things like that can help you grow as a man though. It seems you have that father/husband thing figured out pretty well.
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Old 13th March 2019, 12:04 PM   #69
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Sex is a good time. Knowing someone is being cheated on is seeing them being betrayed and humiliated.

Im really glad my daughter said shed tell her dad to tell me or else she would. Shed put the blame squarely back where it belongs and still have my back in the process without owning it herself.

That sounds completely healthy to me.
But does she have a healthy view about her father though?
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Old 13th March 2019, 12:08 PM   #70
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But does she have a healthy view about her father though?
No, just like OP. She wont allow him to burden her with his bad deeds and neither should OP.

I dont care if it even is a good view she has/had of her father. Surely finding this out would change that view of him one way or another.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:30 AM   #71
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But he went looking for the message and had to physically download them in order to see them, which he had no right to do.
Bulls**.

Both parents are gaslighting their own children.

I had no right to check my spouses email or phone records either, but I did have a right to know why I was being so abused and how much danger I and my children might be in.

It's obvious that the behavior and disposition of the father is a source of great distress for the OP. His mother's unnatural response will be equally disconcerting. How he chose to get to the root of this threat to his reality is on both parents. The mother doesn't get a free pass here.

Being an example for our kids is the first line item on the parenting job description. If the son thinks his mother is clueless then the mother is failing him.

This "snooping" is an inherent risk that every wayward and betrayed understand goes with the territory and yet, we're going to arbitrarily draw a line of moral imperative for the child because he's simply collateral damage?

Hell no. This kid is likely the only real adult in the room.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:46 AM   #72
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Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
Yeah.. you never know how they will react, my father... took a long metal blade and put it to my throat while I was in the garage and threatened to kill me ...
This is trauma - it is an act of violent child abuse. A fair warning.

The OP should not be confronting his father directly, or on his own. As in your example, the reality of the father's true personality is an unknown. At the same time, if the father is dangerous or violent, the mother is the most likely person to knows this.

The OP deserves some emotional security and his parents are failing miserably in this regard. While the parents may have focused heavily on their older daughter's needs he's left in the lurch.

There is no such thing as a marital issue "between the parents." The family is a system, and this is clearly a systems problem.
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:28 PM   #73
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I have been reading the different perspectives and am grateful as they help me think.

FYI (I should've said this earlier, but I thought I was writing too much) I wasn't consciously snooping. I was using my dad's device (with his permission), and he was messaging the other woman on another device and the messages popped up on this device. The messages were strange and obscene so I clicked on them. Then I found there are tens of thousands of messages with this woman so I knew something's terribly wrong, and I couldn't help but download and transfer them to my device, and then went through them. There are different perspectives on snooping in this situation, but personally I'm grateful I downloaded them and now I know, even if it makes me sad or confused. (I never liked my dad to begin with, which helps. I am only sad for my mom.)

Currently I'm trying to make my mom more (financially, emotionally) independent of my dad and get her views on hypothetical scenarios (like @BluEyeL suggested) to see how she'd react or if she knows. Also, I have a counselor meeting soon. I have never had a good relationship with my dad, so I am not open-minded to see from his perspective even a bit, which is why I don't think I am supporting him if I keep my mom in ignorance, I just think there needs to be a proper plan before she knows this (assuming she doesn't already know).

By the way, my sister is not highly disabled, she goes to college and does much better than me, but she does have a diagnosis and she's not that emotionally intelligent which is why I don't trust her to think deeply about this before telling it to our parents. Telling uncles/aunts would do much more harm than good, because none of them like us, they would make their own version and spread it everywhere and I don't know any of them well enough. So I don't have anyone else to tell it to but it's good that I can talk about it online and also have a counselor.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nittygritty View Post
A similar situation actually happened to a boy that my daughter went to high school with during senior year. He had found out that his Dad was cheating on his Mom and told his Mom. A few days after he had told her, his Mom sent the boy a text telling him to call 911 and get an ambulance sent to their house and told him not to go in the house when he got home. His Mom had killed herself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
Yeah.. you never know how they will react, my father never laid a hand on me growing up except the little spanking but when he found out what I did he took a long metal blade and put it to my throat while I was in the garage and threatened to kill me and then mentioned something along the lines of being shot down in flames by his own blood...
These are the kinds of things I am afraid of.
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:31 PM   #74
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S

19 while a legal adult is also dealing with something that at 19 they shouldn't be dealing with.
This could be a sad situation no matter how old the child in question is.
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:32 PM   #75
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I would have never figured that would have been his reaction.. BUT IT WAS
No offense, but anyone who would threaten their child like that over an affair is a fool ( or something worse)
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