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I'm 19, discovered my dad's cheating on my mom


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 13th March 2019, 6:49 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
Just tell your mom. She’d probably prefer her pain to you being tortured by this hanging over your head one minute more.

This is what I don't understand.. yes the Mom would be better off but the child would not...
Having the child literally pick one parent and turn on the other is not a healthy thing or place for them to be in..


I guess it depends whose feelings/life are more important.. the Mom or the Child but both can't win in this scenario..
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Old 13th March 2019, 7:29 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post

People would rather die or go to jail for murder than live without the person? Really???
I don't think it's a matter of living without the person. It's living without the pain they caused you. (At least when it comes to suicide) Murder would just be about revenge.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:01 AM   #48
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This is what I don't understand.. yes the Mom would be better off but the child would not...
Having the child literally pick one parent and turn on the other is not a healthy thing or place for them to be in..


I guess it depends whose feelings/life are more important.. the Mom or the Child but both can't win in this scenario..
OP says they don’t like their dad and supports their mom so it seems they’ve already chosen sides, even before this discovery.

I would think right now the child (young adult really) is carrying this for their mom to spare her but it’s not fair at all. This secret should be shared so OP doesn’t fret or feel guilty for keeping it from her any longer.

It’s the truth. And I’m a big believer in honesty being the best policy. Keeping it a secret won’t make it any less true.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:12 AM   #49
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I should have left it alone, as a mid 50's man today I see that a 15,16 year old boy had no business being in between their marriage...
It sounds like as a mid 50's man you're more or less still in between their marriage? Simple case of perspective, I guess.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:27 AM   #50
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It sounds like as a mid 50's man you're more or less still in between their marriage? Simple case of perspective, I guess.
Confused.. my Dad passed away 30+ years ago and Step Mom passed away 15 years ago...
I went thru it as a teen....

I was 15 when I told my Step Mom my Dad was cheating on her
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:42 AM   #51
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This is what I don't understand.. yes the Mom would be better off but the child would not...
Having the child literally pick one parent and turn on the other is not a healthy thing or place for them to be in..
This reflects your personal story, not that of the OP. No one has advised him to take this on himself and play the arbitrator when he is already afraid of his Dad's response.

People are suggesting he get adult support, either from a professional or a close trusted member of his extended family. The hurdle for him is the fear that his mother is completely unaware - and for that he needs an adult to assuage his fears.

It's more than likely his mom knows. The OP has an older sister with special needs, and he himself is at a critical age of launching into adulthood. His mom has a home based business. If his mom in her wisdom has chosen to preserve essential services for the daughter, shelter her son, and retain her work from home status rather than immediately over-turn their lives she has that prerogative.

Knowing my son is struggling with sheltering me, just as much as I am struggling to shelter him, is information that as a parent I need to know. I'm grateful my own children had the courage to connect with me and find some peace of mind.

Last edited by Turning point; 13th March 2019 at 8:44 AM..
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:49 AM   #52
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I was 15 when I told my Step Mom my Dad was cheating on her
Our life isn't directed by when something happens, it's directed by how long we choose to carry that weight.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:12 AM   #53
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Actually there are people suggesting he tell her without getting adult support.. and you are right this was my experience on what happened to me and it seems I'm the only one giving advice to the OP from the perspective of having done this before...I do and have suggested the op get adult support
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:19 AM   #54
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19 is an adult. We give them weapons and tell them to go fight for our freedom at an even younger age.

If people are saying it’s none of her/his business because it’s a marital issue why should it concern somebody not in the family?
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:15 AM   #55
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You were completely out of line to download and snoop into your dad's private messages. None of this is any of your business and I think you should butt out. I think it's likely your mother already knows, or at least suspects. She's an adult and can handle this on her own, without your interference.
Thank God SOMEONE finally said it.

Why on earth the OP felt he had any right to stick his nose where it doesn't belong is beyond me. It's not like the messages were left out in the open and the OP stumbled upon them - then those telling him he shouldn't have to shoulder this 'burden' would be correct. But he went looking for the message and had to physically download them in order to see them, which he had no right to do.
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:21 AM   #56
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And how is telling her/him that now is helpful to the situation? She/he didn't ask if they should snoop, asked what to do now once they snooped. I understand that snooping is bad, but cheating is much worse.They likely snooped because they suspected something was going on with the dad long absences.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 13th March 2019 at 10:57 AM..
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:27 AM   #57
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OP, I would tell your mom. Maybe have several discussions with her, discuss hypothetical situations etc. to try to gauge if she knows already.

However, if you and your mom are close, she will not blame you. If my son told me I would not blame him because I love him before I love any other man or myself. From there, it's her business to handle it the way she can.

You cannot worry that you will hurt her, it's your dad who cheated who hurt her, not you by telling.

The financial situation may be an issue though. Dad will be mad at you. You are likely to lose the relationship with him. Since you don't like him anyway, that's not the worse that could happen. But you could lose the financial support through college. In case of divorce, the assets would be split. But if you are close to your mom, you'll make a plan together. I would say trust your mom to handle this as best as she could for both her and you.

Good luck, I'm sorry this happened!
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:27 AM   #58
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Snooping is the lesser of two evils here.

We tell people who suspect they’re being cheated on to hire a PI or get a tracking device or go through texts or look for unexplained purchases.

Is that not all snooping?

And if dad is cheating what kind of boundaries was OP raised with? Save the “blame the person for snooping” line for dad to use. He probably will anyway.
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:39 AM   #59
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Our life isn't directed by when something happens, it's directed by how long we choose to carry that weight.
OMG, enough...

I carry no weight today but do know what happened to me as a teen when I did tell my Step Mom.. so there is that.. EXPERIENCE on how the OP needs to proceed.. even at their age they have no business in the middle of their parents marriage just as I didn't.. at the time I thought I was doing the right thing and today at almost 56 I can say I should have talked to other adults in my family and let them take some of the burden of telling her..
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:43 AM   #60
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19 is an adult.
Seriously... you want to draw the line over a few months to what should be healthy for a person who is still growing and forming as an adult ?

I had to go to counseling in order to figure out my role in it all and make sense of what I did.. do you want that for them too just so he can go down and you get to feel better ?

19 while a legal adult is also dealing with something that at 19 they shouldn't be dealing with.
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