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I'm 19, discovered my dad's cheating on my mom


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Old 12th March 2019, 8:33 AM   #31
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You were completely out of line to download and snoop into your dad's private messages. None of this is any of your business and I think you should butt out. I think it's likely your mother already knows, or at least suspects. She's an adult and can handle this on her own, without your interference.

Why were you snooping?
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Old 12th March 2019, 8:37 AM   #32
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You were completely out of line to download and snoop into your dad's private messages. None of this is any of your business and I think you should butt out. I think it's likely your mother already knows, or at least suspects. She's an adult and can handle this on her own, without your interference.

Why were you snooping?
Because its a 19 year old kid. And the snooping isn't the issue here. The infidelity is.

Way to come down on someone struggling by blaming them.
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Old 12th March 2019, 8:50 AM   #33
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If they weren't snooping, they wouldn't even know about this. This isn't something they found out about accidentally -- it was intentional. They were obviously looking for something and I'm curious to know why.

And I stand by my statement that this is between their mother and father and is none of their business.

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Old 12th March 2019, 8:53 AM   #34
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The entire "well, if you weren't snooping" thing is no longer relevant. The information is known. You can't put the chicken back into the egg.

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Old 12th March 2019, 9:05 AM   #35
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Whatever relationship you have with your Dad now is the more honest and safe version. Painful as it is may have been, I think you established a healthy boundary with your Dad. To overlook the value of you standing up for your own principals would be the greater mistake.
Yeah, he threatened to kill me, seriously...
Honesty and boundaries, no didn't know my Dad....it made it all worse not better.

My Dad passed away about 5 or so years after that, he never gave up his AP.

I should have left it alone, as a mid 50's man today I see that a 15,16 year old boy had no business being in between their marriage...
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:43 AM   #36
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Be strong kithin.
It is clear what is the right thing to do, so clear that it needs no clarification, rationalizations, sophistry, or fallacies to prop up the argument.

If you do nothing you will regret it forever.
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:09 PM   #37
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While it's all well and good to say kids shouldn't get dragged into their parent's relationship, well, you already know and you can't untiring that bell.

If you feel like this is too much to carry, talk to a friend you really trust, a counselor at your school or in the community. Get their feedback.


If your dad is anything like many of the men on here who have stepped out on their wives, I really question how serious he is.It sounds like it's not his first affair, and likley won't be his last. People like that tend not to change unless there is some huge epiphany of sorts, and I don't see that happening with your dad.

Really, your dad isn't doing this just to your mom, he's hurting the whole family. It also sounds like he is just being who "he" is. You could talk to him. You could raise your concerns, but I really don't think it would make any difference.


If you feel you need to, I say it's okay to break this news to your mom. At least that way, she could be prepared should your dad suddenly decide to call it quits on her, especially if he starts hiding assets from her.
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:11 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by clia View Post
If they weren't snooping, they wouldn't even know about this. This isn't something they found out about accidentally -- it was intentional. They were obviously looking for something and I'm curious to know why.

And I stand by my statement that this is between their mother and father and is none of their business.
It sure as shooting is the op's business. It's their family, and whatever affects the family affects them too...unless they can manage to keep the fallout from the affair from affecting their kids.
I have yet to see a case of infidelity where it hasn't impacted the kid.

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Old 12th March 2019, 1:48 PM   #39
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If you do nothing you will regret it forever.
We donít know the family dynamics. The Mother likely already knows that something is wrong and has chosen to live this way. It would be a bigger burden to carry if the Mother was unable to cope with the truth being out in the open and did something horrific like committed suicide. Which would still not be anyone elseís fault.
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Old 12th March 2019, 3:23 PM   #40
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Don't let fear and head in the sand wishful thinking drive your actions in life.
You can do this kithin.

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Old 12th March 2019, 3:27 PM   #41
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I strongly believe you need to speak to someone who knows your family dynamics, another trusted adult. No one out here can give you sound advice because we do not know how your mother or father will react. Another trusted adult in your life might be able to guide you more clearly (an aunt or uncle, perhaps? Someone who will be sympathetic to your mother's position.)

Also, I would share this with your counselor on campus. Many times, the struggles that affect college students are related to family, relationships, etc. It is okay (and well-advised) for you to share this information with him/her.

I am curious about your relationship with your father. Does you mother know how much you dislike your father? There was a reason you downloaded his messages. If you suspected, it is quite possible your mother also suspects and there is probably an honest conversation you can have with her that, without giving the exact details, will reflect how much she might already suspect and whether she wants to turn her life upside down because of this.

I saw that you are also worried about how this would affect her financially. That will depend upon where you live. Hopefully, your mother has her own bank accounts and is protecting her income/assets already. Maybe this is how you approach the issue - from the perspective that you support every woman being financially independent. Being in college gives you a lot of insight into life that perhaps you were not exposed to at home, and there is nothing wrong with "sharing" these insights with your mother.
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Old 12th March 2019, 3:36 PM   #42
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On a related note, I just wanted to share that this hit me because the way I found out my husband was cheating on me with my best friend/neighbor (while I was 7-8 months pregnant with our youngest) was when my 5-year-old daughter told me she saw them "kissing, like in the movies."

Even today, I am so mad at myself for confronting them. They accused her of misinterpreting what she saw, which made me even more angry - that they would deny what she clearly saw. I would not want to see this situation adversely affect you moving forward. Think about who that trusted adult might be who could help you navigate this situation.
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Old 12th March 2019, 9:39 PM   #43
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Don't let fear and head in the sand wishful thinking drive your actions in life.
You can do this kithin.
A similar situation actually happened to a boy that my daughter went to high school with during senior year. He had found out that his Dad was cheating on his Mom and told his Mom. A few days after he had told her, his Mom sent the boy a text telling him to call 911 and get an ambulance sent to their house and told him not to go in the house when he got home. His Mom had killed herself.

If Kithin felt like Mom was strong enough to cope with finding out Dad was cheating on her, probably would have already told her. That isn’t the situation.
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Old 13th March 2019, 12:16 AM   #44
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I donít understand killing your self because youíre being cheated on or killing your partner because of their cheating behavior either.

People would rather die or go to jail for murder than live without the person? Really???

I welcomed being cheated on, not that I knew he was cheating but he probably was. He didnít come home sometimes. That taught me how to live without him and to stop missing him when he wasnít around.

Just tell your mom. Sheíd probably prefer her pain to you being tortured by this hanging over your head one minute more.
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:39 AM   #45
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Thanks for replying. I'm afraid of my dad. I don't have the courage to speak to him, and I don't know whether he'll deny and would he be aggressive or violent toward me or my mom. I'm afraid of a major change, like divorce.
May I ask why you downloaded your dad's personal messages and read them all? What made you decide to invade his privacy?

Now that you know (bet you wish you didn't snoop) you're in a tough place. Your mom emotionally can't handle the fallout and it's possible she knows on some level but has chosen not to react and pretend all is okay. You love your mom and are worried for her but please really really think about it before telling her. Once it's out, everything will change and affect everybody. You can't unsay it so be 100 percent sure and be prepared for life to totally change.

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