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Hospitality


major_merrick

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major_merrick

My sister and her girlfriend (who is also my ex) arrived at my house over the weekend. The story is that they got evicted from where they were living, and now they don't have a place to stay. My split with this ex was not amicable, although she did play nice at Christmas when she came over. My relationship with my sister is also strained, due to how she was acting when she lived with me a couple of years ago. Back then, I owned my own home and I made her leave. Now I live with my husband (the house is his) and she's back.

 

While my husband did ask if I was OK with it, I felt a bit pressured about it. I don't like my ex, I don't like that my sister is dating my ex, and I don't really want to live around either of them. My husband has opened the door and moved them in, at least "until they find a place." Hospitality is a big thing to him - he brought the neighbors in when a tornado and fire damaged their house. He also gladly fed my ex at Christmas, even though she was unexpected and has treated him badly in the past. To him, there's always more room at the dinner table and no such thing as a house that is too full.

 

Am I right to feel a bit irritated? Or should I play nice, put up with it, and hope they leave soon? I feel guilty about saying anything since it is about family.

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Wallysbears

Can you talk to your husband and tell him how much you appreciate his hospitality and kind heart and ask him if there is any way he can help facilitate them living with someone else in your community or if the community can help them quickly find suitable other housing? That you are uncomfortable with them there for any period of time?

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Am I right to feel a bit irritated? Or should I play nice, put up with it, and hope they leave soon? I feel guilty about saying anything since it is about family.

 

Your husband's kind heart notwithstanding, to me, hospitality is something you offer invited guests.

 

I'm a little confused as to how this all came down. They show up at your door? Talk to your husband without your knowledge? If you knew about this in advance, the time to raise your objections was before they moved in.

 

Given the family connection, I'd probably offer the sister (very) temporary accommodation. The ex would be on her own...

 

Mr. Lucky

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major_merrick

My sister basically showed up, with only a phone call in advance. My husband is very fond of her, as she was a little kid when we were teenagers and he helped me take care of her. He's also her godfather, so he's protective. My ex comes along as part of the package. Same bed and all that.

 

My husband has indicated that he's having a conversation with someone he knows who has an apartment in a nearby small town. I hope that connection bears fruit, although I wouldn't wish my sister on any reasonable landlord. She pays late or fails to pay, is frequently unemployed, etc...:mad:

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My ex comes along as part of the package. Same bed and all that.

 

Not necessarily, you do have a choice. You could certainly offer sis solo shelter, up to her whether she chooses to accept...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Happy Lemming

If your sister and ex were evicted for non-payment, what landlord (even if the landlord is a friend of your husbands) is going to rent to them without a heavy security deposit, first month's rent (in advance) and proof of steady income/jobs??

 

You are stuck with them, they found a free place to crash, they are not leaving any time soon.

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I would play nice for a pre-determined period of time. Anything past that and all bets are off.

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If your sister and ex were evicted for non-payment, what landlord (even if the landlord is a friend of your husbands) is going to rent to them without a heavy security deposit, first month's rent (in advance) and proof of steady income/jobs??

 

You are stuck with them, they found a free place to crash, they are not leaving any time soon.

 

indeed HL. once you agree to take them in you are responsible for them. they can actually call the cops if you try to kick them out without the proper notice.

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RecentChange

Did your sister and your ex end up homeless because a fire or tornado took out their home, or because they didn’t pay rent for months or trashed a place?

 

I think it matters.

 

Personally, if my bro or sis needed a place to stay I would put them up. If they were homeless due to natural disaster, medical bills, something like that, they would be welcome indefinitely.

 

If they were homeless due to a pattern of extreme irresponsibility- I would be more likely to pay for a few weeks at a cheap hotel.

 

As for having an ex in the mix - it’s a difficult situation for me to imagine - but I don’t think I would be keen to putting them up at all. My home is my sanctuary, I don’t want to come home to someone I don’t like. Again - there because of a cancer battle, maybe I would put up with them. Because they have been irresponsible? Find a car to sleep on.

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Happy Lemming
they can actually call the cops if you try to kick them out without the proper notice.

 

Yes, we all remember the Michael Rotundo case where the 30 year old would not leave his parents' house. They tried giving him money, etc. and he wouldn't budge. In the end, they had to drag him to court and formally evict him. I wonder how much it cost the parents in attorney & filing fees.

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Happy Lemming

If they were homeless due to a pattern of extreme irresponsibility- I would be more likely to pay for a few weeks at a cheap hotel.

 

That is what I did... I had a friend who was a genuine "mess up" when it came to work, otherwise nice guy and good friend. He would just not show up or cause drama at work because he was bored or whatever.

 

When he got evicted (for non-payment of rent) I could have easily taken him in (as I had the room), but I knew I would never be able to get him out without doing a formal eviction. So I paid for four weeks at this week to week place that rented to anyone. That gave him 28 days to get his act together, secure some type of employment (as the rent was fairly cheap) and go to work everyday. In the end, he moved home to his mom & dad's house (far away) and I lost track of him. He made the choice not to grow up and be responsible. For the record he was in his early 30's.

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I wouldn't tolerate it. There's such a thing as being too kind for your own good, and letting spongers move in to your home comes under that heading. Your husband asked if you were OK with it and you should have said an emphatic "No" right then, even if you came off looking selfish. Just the fact that your ex is now your sisters girlfriend, and is inveigling herself into your life in this way, sounds a little creepy, and I'm surprised your husband is welcoming to this woman.

I have no sympathy for people who don't pay their rent, bills, etc. They screw up, then come searching for some responsible person to mooch off. Especially offensive if they've already done the wrong thing by you before, as your sister has. You're not helping her by propping her up whenever she stumbles. The best thing you could do for her is cut her off and make her stand on her own feet.

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RecentChange

I have had family members with addiction and other issues.

 

I have no regrets doing the hotel route! I can’t have drama at home, my home really needs to be my escape from the daily grind.

 

Medical stuff - had a neighbors family stay with us, as we had extra space and they were caring for our long term neighbor who was in end stage cancer.

 

Like I mentioned, my “hospitality” greatly depends on why there is a need.

 

Oh - and I have my brother in law living with us right now. Mostly because he F’ed up, but he is paying close to market rate for room/bath and stays out of our hair. Plus I have a rental agreement.

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Happy Lemming

To major:

 

I'm not trying to be mean about this question... but do you think your husband is shopping for a 5th & 6th wife?? I know you mentioned 4 wives. Is more wives (better) in your husband's eyes??

 

He moved the 4th wife in as a friend and eventually she became the 4th wife, right...

 

The little gears in my brain are turning trying to figure this out...

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To major:

 

I'm not trying to be mean about this question... but do you think your husband is shopping for a 5th & 6th wife?? I know you mentioned 4 wives. Is more wives (better) in your husband's eyes??

 

He moved the 4th wife in as a friend and eventually she became the 4th wife, right...

 

The little gears in my brain are turning trying to figure this out...

 

He must be Moslem

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major_merrick
Did your sister and your ex end up homeless because a fire or tornado took out their home, or because they didnÂ’t pay rent for months or trashed a place?

 

I think it matters.

 

 

It was our neighbor that had their place trashed. Our place had some damage too, but their house was unlivable. They lived with us for a while until their home was repaired. My sister is homeless because she won't hold a job and won't pay her bills. And IDK why my ex is in this situation...she used to have a great job and made good money.

 

 

indeed HL. once you agree to take them in you are responsible for them. they can actually call the cops if you try to kick them out without the proper notice.

 

 

That would be funny in our county. Squatters don't have rights here. Not to mention that if it came to it, my husband could evict with force if necessary. When you've got the guys with the guns, you call the shots. Of all the things I worry about, that scenario is not one of them.

 

 

To major:

 

I'm not trying to be mean about this question... but do you think your husband is shopping for a 5th & 6th wife?? I know you mentioned 4 wives. Is more wives (better) in your husband's eyes??

 

He moved the 4th wife in as a friend and eventually she became the 4th wife, right...

 

The little gears in my brain are turning trying to figure this out...

 

 

I'm absolutely sure that he isn't looking for #5. For one thing, it would be very odd in our community to do so. Nobody has more than 4, and even 4 is a bit unusual. Number 4 happened because she's the widow of a close friend. My husband also sees my sister as a little sister or daughter, definitely NOT as a potential partner. To him, she's the five year old girl he carried on his shoulders when we were in high school. It's the big reason why he let her move in. He just CANNOT see her in any other way, and makes excuses for her behavior. Also, my sister has ZERO interest in men, so a husband is not in her plans. She's also not a believer.

 

As for my ex, she and my husband have been at odds for years. I'm amazed that he can forgive the way she treated him. He would visit me, and she would be aggressive and nasty. It is one of many reasons that she is an ex. I was surprised that he let her in the house for Christmas dinner, and letting her stay here blows my mind. He has as much reason as I do (if not more) to dislike her. Yet, he's shown her complete kindness. I don't understand it, except that perhaps he's doing it for my sister's sake.

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major_merrick

alphamale - pretty sure our group has more class....compounds just aren't comfortable or fun places to live :laugh:

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Happy Lemming

To Major:

 

Can you talk to your husband and ask him to impose a "time limit" on their stay?? 30 days??

 

How long do you think it would take for either of them to secure employment??

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major_merrick

Lemming, a conversation about a time limit is definitely on my agenda. I think that's something we can agree on, but we haven't had time to talk about it yet. I think a 30-60 day timeframe is perfectly fair. I know that in the past he has set a time limit on other people who stayed with him, along with some basic behavior requirements. Even his patience has limits. It is going to be interesting to see how these two test those limits.

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Happy Lemming

Yes... setting a finite time limit is a good idea. 30-60 days seems more than fair.

 

Be honest with your husband, tell him (soon) of your concerns and tell him prolonged exposure to these two will cause you angst and grief. Tell him you think 30-60 days is fair and of course their behavior should be in check during this imposition.

 

You already have a lot on your plate, a new born baby and another one coming soon, you don't need any additional stressors.

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Miss Clavel
I would play nice for a pre-determined period of time. Anything past that and all bets are off.

 

in my state, once they are in without a legal document stating the terms and the time limit it can take months and legal action to get them out.

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Miss Clavel

as some one mentioned, they are not invited "guests".

 

its your ex. tell your husband you don't want them in your home. at all.

 

get a legal lease, like a month to month tenancy and charge them. make sure the move out date is spelled out. say, 120 days to get out.

 

they have nothing, they have nowhere to go. and after you take them in, they will still have nothing.

 

sorry, they are losers that have already been evicted. are they on drugs? do they gamble? why can't they pay their own rent?

 

fishy.

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major_merrick

I talked with my husband today while we were getting ready for work. He's going to draw up an agreement with them. My sister has had drug issues in the past. I blame myself for that since I didn't set a good example when I was younger. I don't know what my ex's problem is - she used to have a great job, a nice place to live, and an expensive car. Gambling issues could explain it.

 

My husband and I both agree that drugs and alcohol won't be tolerated. He's going to help them both find jobs and a place to live, and one of the conditions for them staying with us is that they have to be actively searching for employment and a place of their own, and that they must take any job that is offered. His perspective on food and housing is that it is free, but no complaints. Eat what is served or go hungry...and participate in chores.

 

I'm not happy about this, but it seems workable for now. I hope my sister will be cooperative. She does listen to my husband and obey him at times where she gives me resistance. I can also tell that Wife #4 is going to hold them accountable - she has little interest in catering to what she calls "ne'er-do-wells, sluggards, and wastrels."

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I My sister has had drug issues in the past. I blame myself for that since I didn't set a good example when I was younger.

 

Whoa, wait a second. Drug use is an individual choice and expression of free will. I've met people from horrible, drug-infested backgrounds that have never touched narcotics and addicts from good families with no history of use. Certainly not your fault.

 

You might have your husband add drug testing to the agreement, some cost-effective OTC products available...

 

Mr. Lucky

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