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Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 11th March 2019, 10:05 PM   #16
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Did your sister and your ex end up homeless because a fire or tornado took out their home, or because they didn’t pay rent for months or trashed a place?

I think it matters.

It was our neighbor that had their place trashed. Our place had some damage too, but their house was unlivable. They lived with us for a while until their home was repaired. My sister is homeless because she won't hold a job and won't pay her bills. And IDK why my ex is in this situation...she used to have a great job and made good money.


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indeed HL. once you agree to take them in you are responsible for them. they can actually call the cops if you try to kick them out without the proper notice.

That would be funny in our county. Squatters don't have rights here. Not to mention that if it came to it, my husband could evict with force if necessary. When you've got the guys with the guns, you call the shots. Of all the things I worry about, that scenario is not one of them.


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To major:

I'm not trying to be mean about this question... but do you think your husband is shopping for a 5th & 6th wife?? I know you mentioned 4 wives. Is more wives (better) in your husband's eyes??

He moved the 4th wife in as a friend and eventually she became the 4th wife, right...

The little gears in my brain are turning trying to figure this out...

I'm absolutely sure that he isn't looking for #5. For one thing, it would be very odd in our community to do so. Nobody has more than 4, and even 4 is a bit unusual. Number 4 happened because she's the widow of a close friend. My husband also sees my sister as a little sister or daughter, definitely NOT as a potential partner. To him, she's the five year old girl he carried on his shoulders when we were in high school. It's the big reason why he let her move in. He just CANNOT see her in any other way, and makes excuses for her behavior. Also, my sister has ZERO interest in men, so a husband is not in her plans. She's also not a believer.

As for my ex, she and my husband have been at odds for years. I'm amazed that he can forgive the way she treated him. He would visit me, and she would be aggressive and nasty. It is one of many reasons that she is an ex. I was surprised that he let her in the house for Christmas dinner, and letting her stay here blows my mind. He has as much reason as I do (if not more) to dislike her. Yet, he's shown her complete kindness. I don't understand it, except that perhaps he's doing it for my sister's sake.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:23 PM   #17
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m_m we don't want another Waco, TX on our hands
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:31 PM   #18
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alphamale - pretty sure our group has more class....compounds just aren't comfortable or fun places to live
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:44 PM   #19
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To Major:

Can you talk to your husband and ask him to impose a "time limit" on their stay?? 30 days??

How long do you think it would take for either of them to secure employment??
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Old 11th March 2019, 11:52 PM   #20
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Lemming, a conversation about a time limit is definitely on my agenda. I think that's something we can agree on, but we haven't had time to talk about it yet. I think a 30-60 day timeframe is perfectly fair. I know that in the past he has set a time limit on other people who stayed with him, along with some basic behavior requirements. Even his patience has limits. It is going to be interesting to see how these two test those limits.
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Old 12th March 2019, 12:07 AM   #21
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Yes... setting a finite time limit is a good idea. 30-60 days seems more than fair.

Be honest with your husband, tell him (soon) of your concerns and tell him prolonged exposure to these two will cause you angst and grief. Tell him you think 30-60 days is fair and of course their behavior should be in check during this imposition.

You already have a lot on your plate, a new born baby and another one coming soon, you don't need any additional stressors.
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Old 12th March 2019, 7:06 AM   #22
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I would play nice for a pre-determined period of time. Anything past that and all bets are off.
in my state, once they are in without a legal document stating the terms and the time limit it can take months and legal action to get them out.
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Old 12th March 2019, 7:10 AM   #23
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as some one mentioned, they are not invited "guests".

its your ex. tell your husband you don't want them in your home. at all.

get a legal lease, like a month to month tenancy and charge them. make sure the move out date is spelled out. say, 120 days to get out.

they have nothing, they have nowhere to go. and after you take them in, they will still have nothing.

sorry, they are losers that have already been evicted. are they on drugs? do they gamble? why can't they pay their own rent?

fishy.
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Old 12th March 2019, 4:08 PM   #24
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I talked with my husband today while we were getting ready for work. He's going to draw up an agreement with them. My sister has had drug issues in the past. I blame myself for that since I didn't set a good example when I was younger. I don't know what my ex's problem is - she used to have a great job, a nice place to live, and an expensive car. Gambling issues could explain it.

My husband and I both agree that drugs and alcohol won't be tolerated. He's going to help them both find jobs and a place to live, and one of the conditions for them staying with us is that they have to be actively searching for employment and a place of their own, and that they must take any job that is offered. His perspective on food and housing is that it is free, but no complaints. Eat what is served or go hungry...and participate in chores.

I'm not happy about this, but it seems workable for now. I hope my sister will be cooperative. She does listen to my husband and obey him at times where she gives me resistance. I can also tell that Wife #4 is going to hold them accountable - she has little interest in catering to what she calls "ne'er-do-wells, sluggards, and wastrels."
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Old 12th March 2019, 5:07 PM   #25
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I My sister has had drug issues in the past. I blame myself for that since I didn't set a good example when I was younger.
Whoa, wait a second. Drug use is an individual choice and expression of free will. I've met people from horrible, drug-infested backgrounds that have never touched narcotics and addicts from good families with no history of use. Certainly not your fault.

You might have your husband add drug testing to the agreement, some cost-effective OTC products available...

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Old 12th March 2019, 5:42 PM   #26
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both your seester and your ex need to be taken to a good psychiatrist
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Old 12th March 2019, 6:36 PM   #27
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I'm not happy about this, but it seems workable for now. I hope my sister will be cooperative. She does listen to my husband and obey him at times where she gives me resistance. I can also tell that Wife #4 is going to hold them accountable - she has little interest in catering to what she calls "ne'er-do-wells, sluggards, and wastrels."
It sounds like you have plenty of support and Wife #4 will go to bat, keeping order in the home. You are a very forgiving older sister (and ex.) Even if breaking up with the ex was your choice, many would not tolerate the ex dating their younger sister, let alone moving in with them. Finally, your sister's choices in her past are not your fault.

I hope it all goes well! Maybe this will be an opportunity for all of you to grow closer to one another.
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Old 12th March 2019, 7:43 PM   #28
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You might have your husband add drug testing to the agreement, some cost-effective OTC products available...

I thought of adding drug testing, but I figured that might be a bit offensive...like I didn't trust her or something. Since they will be doing job interviews and most of those involve drug tests, I figure that issue is taken care of for me. At least for now. If they keep getting turned down for jobs, then a drug test might be in order. Based on how they act, I'm pretty sure both of them are clean these days. Thankfully, my sister (to my knowledge) was never into the hard stuff like I was. As a former user, I know the signs.
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:32 AM   #29
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My sister basically showed up, with only a phone call in advance. My husband is very fond of her, as she was a little kid when we were teenagers and he helped me take care of her. He's also her godfather, so he's protective. My ex comes along as part of the package. Same bed and all that.

My husband has indicated that he's having a conversation with someone he knows who has an apartment in a nearby small town. I hope that connection bears fruit, although I wouldn't wish my sister on any reasonable landlord. She pays late or fails to pay, is frequently unemployed, etc...
Is this why she and her gf were evicted? Fail to pay rent? She seems irresponsible and when things fall apart she expects others (aka you) to bail her out. Doesn't she have any other friends or family to stay with?

Put a time limit on this and make sure they understand the stay isn't long. You guys have a full house already, last thing you want is her to stay and not want to leave/move out.
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Old 13th March 2019, 7:26 PM   #30
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I have always ended up bailing out my sister. I took custody of her when she was a teen when my mother was sent to prison. I raised her as well as I could, but it wasn't ideal because I had my own issues. She's never managed to get it together. When I had my own house, she lived with me for a while and there were so many issues I had to send her elsewhere. Now she's back. She's in her early 20's and still acts like 14. My ex is a decade older, and had her life going right years ago but has managed to mess it all up. My sister constantly chases older women, and then messes them up.

I hope my husband can straighten some things out, but I admit it isn't likely. My instinct is always to bail my sister out, but my life has other priorities at this point. I got her to adulthood, at some point she's got to succeed or fail on her own.
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