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Hospitality


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 11th March 2019, 10:15 AM   #1
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Hospitality

My sister and her girlfriend (who is also my ex) arrived at my house over the weekend. The story is that they got evicted from where they were living, and now they don't have a place to stay. My split with this ex was not amicable, although she did play nice at Christmas when she came over. My relationship with my sister is also strained, due to how she was acting when she lived with me a couple of years ago. Back then, I owned my own home and I made her leave. Now I live with my husband (the house is his) and she's back.

While my husband did ask if I was OK with it, I felt a bit pressured about it. I don't like my ex, I don't like that my sister is dating my ex, and I don't really want to live around either of them. My husband has opened the door and moved them in, at least "until they find a place." Hospitality is a big thing to him - he brought the neighbors in when a tornado and fire damaged their house. He also gladly fed my ex at Christmas, even though she was unexpected and has treated him badly in the past. To him, there's always more room at the dinner table and no such thing as a house that is too full.

Am I right to feel a bit irritated? Or should I play nice, put up with it, and hope they leave soon? I feel guilty about saying anything since it is about family.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:23 AM   #2
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Can you talk to your husband and tell him how much you appreciate his hospitality and kind heart and ask him if there is any way he can help facilitate them living with someone else in your community or if the community can help them quickly find suitable other housing? That you are uncomfortable with them there for any period of time?
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Old 11th March 2019, 11:57 AM   #3
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Am I right to feel a bit irritated? Or should I play nice, put up with it, and hope they leave soon? I feel guilty about saying anything since it is about family.
Your husband's kind heart notwithstanding, to me, hospitality is something you offer invited guests.

I'm a little confused as to how this all came down. They show up at your door? Talk to your husband without your knowledge? If you knew about this in advance, the time to raise your objections was before they moved in.

Given the family connection, I'd probably offer the sister (very) temporary accommodation. The ex would be on her own...

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Old 11th March 2019, 12:56 PM   #4
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My sister basically showed up, with only a phone call in advance. My husband is very fond of her, as she was a little kid when we were teenagers and he helped me take care of her. He's also her godfather, so he's protective. My ex comes along as part of the package. Same bed and all that.

My husband has indicated that he's having a conversation with someone he knows who has an apartment in a nearby small town. I hope that connection bears fruit, although I wouldn't wish my sister on any reasonable landlord. She pays late or fails to pay, is frequently unemployed, etc...

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Old 11th March 2019, 3:08 PM   #5
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My ex comes along as part of the package. Same bed and all that.
Not necessarily, you do have a choice. You could certainly offer sis solo shelter, up to her whether she chooses to accept...

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Old 11th March 2019, 5:14 PM   #6
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If your sister and ex were evicted for non-payment, what landlord (even if the landlord is a friend of your husbands) is going to rent to them without a heavy security deposit, first month's rent (in advance) and proof of steady income/jobs??

You are stuck with them, they found a free place to crash, they are not leaving any time soon.
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Old 11th March 2019, 5:22 PM   #7
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I would play nice for a pre-determined period of time. Anything past that and all bets are off.
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Old 11th March 2019, 6:26 PM   #8
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If your sister and ex were evicted for non-payment, what landlord (even if the landlord is a friend of your husbands) is going to rent to them without a heavy security deposit, first month's rent (in advance) and proof of steady income/jobs??

You are stuck with them, they found a free place to crash, they are not leaving any time soon.
indeed HL. once you agree to take them in you are responsible for them. they can actually call the cops if you try to kick them out without the proper notice.
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Old 11th March 2019, 8:33 PM   #9
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Did your sister and your ex end up homeless because a fire or tornado took out their home, or because they didnít pay rent for months or trashed a place?

I think it matters.

Personally, if my bro or sis needed a place to stay I would put them up. If they were homeless due to natural disaster, medical bills, something like that, they would be welcome indefinitely.

If they were homeless due to a pattern of extreme irresponsibility- I would be more likely to pay for a few weeks at a cheap hotel.

As for having an ex in the mix - itís a difficult situation for me to imagine - but I donít think I would be keen to putting them up at all. My home is my sanctuary, I donít want to come home to someone I donít like. Again - there because of a cancer battle, maybe I would put up with them. Because they have been irresponsible? Find a car to sleep on.
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Old 11th March 2019, 8:34 PM   #10
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they can actually call the cops if you try to kick them out without the proper notice.
Yes, we all remember the Michael Rotundo case where the 30 year old would not leave his parents' house. They tried giving him money, etc. and he wouldn't budge. In the end, they had to drag him to court and formally evict him. I wonder how much it cost the parents in attorney & filing fees.
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Old 11th March 2019, 8:48 PM   #11
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If they were homeless due to a pattern of extreme irresponsibility- I would be more likely to pay for a few weeks at a cheap hotel.
That is what I did... I had a friend who was a genuine "mess up" when it came to work, otherwise nice guy and good friend. He would just not show up or cause drama at work because he was bored or whatever.

When he got evicted (for non-payment of rent) I could have easily taken him in (as I had the room), but I knew I would never be able to get him out without doing a formal eviction. So I paid for four weeks at this week to week place that rented to anyone. That gave him 28 days to get his act together, secure some type of employment (as the rent was fairly cheap) and go to work everyday. In the end, he moved home to his mom & dad's house (far away) and I lost track of him. He made the choice not to grow up and be responsible. For the record he was in his early 30's.
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Old 11th March 2019, 8:56 PM   #12
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I wouldn't tolerate it. There's such a thing as being too kind for your own good, and letting spongers move in to your home comes under that heading. Your husband asked if you were OK with it and you should have said an emphatic "No" right then, even if you came off looking selfish. Just the fact that your ex is now your sisters girlfriend, and is inveigling herself into your life in this way, sounds a little creepy, and I'm surprised your husband is welcoming to this woman.
I have no sympathy for people who don't pay their rent, bills, etc. They screw up, then come searching for some responsible person to mooch off. Especially offensive if they've already done the wrong thing by you before, as your sister has. You're not helping her by propping her up whenever she stumbles. The best thing you could do for her is cut her off and make her stand on her own feet.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:00 PM   #13
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I have had family members with addiction and other issues.

I have no regrets doing the hotel route! I canít have drama at home, my home really needs to be my escape from the daily grind.

Medical stuff - had a neighbors family stay with us, as we had extra space and they were caring for our long term neighbor who was in end stage cancer.

Like I mentioned, my ďhospitalityĒ greatly depends on why there is a need.

Oh - and I have my brother in law living with us right now. Mostly because he Fíed up, but he is paying close to market rate for room/bath and stays out of our hair. Plus I have a rental agreement.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:12 PM   #14
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To major:

I'm not trying to be mean about this question... but do you think your husband is shopping for a 5th & 6th wife?? I know you mentioned 4 wives. Is more wives (better) in your husband's eyes??

He moved the 4th wife in as a friend and eventually she became the 4th wife, right...

The little gears in my brain are turning trying to figure this out...
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:51 PM   #15
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To major:

I'm not trying to be mean about this question... but do you think your husband is shopping for a 5th & 6th wife?? I know you mentioned 4 wives. Is more wives (better) in your husband's eyes??

He moved the 4th wife in as a friend and eventually she became the 4th wife, right...

The little gears in my brain are turning trying to figure this out...
He must be Moslem
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