d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 (edited) Many of you read with great compassion my struggles with my MIL. Based on the latest stories -- the people on TV can see into her house & are controlling her -- I am convinced this is mental illness not attention seeking. One of DH's cousins confirmed there is a history of brain tumors in the family & MIL's mother had them. This cousin, through her own mother, MIL's sister, is confirming that MIL is behaving just like their late mother. Now how to get MIL the help she needs. I reached out to my SIL on the west coast to report these latest issues. SIL has repeatedly said she wants to be the person who holds the power of attorney & is the decision maker. I can't do it because I'm only the in-law & MIL already complains to everybody that I'm trying to run her life. To some extent she's not wrong but I have been worried about her safety for more then 2 years & have been sounding the alarm while others told me I was overreacting. DH is now on board & he's the most level headed choice to manage mom's affairs but SIL claims she wants to do it because mom won't let DH help; his tone & manner is too gruff. SIL asked me what I would do if it was my mother. My response was I'd get on a plane, fly to mom, get her to sign HIPPAA medical authorizations so I could talk to every doctor; I'd get a power of attorney & add myself to the bank accounts to monitor the money & give other siblings updates & I'd make sure mom had a living will. Then I'd drag mom to the primary doctor & request a full check up, a brain MRI, a CT scan, a PET scan, & a referral to a neuro-psychologist. SIL replied, "I can't do all that." I wanted to scream. DH called SIL last night & told her that we were going to mom & if she wanted to be in charge to get on a plane & get down there. SIL is thinking about it. UGH! How do I sit back & let this terrified, depressed woman who is experiencing auditory & visual hallucinations struggle alone? Her kids have all always said that is jut mom "telling stories." No it's not! I'm a "fixer" & I'm not good at backing off. What do I do for MY peace of mind? Edited March 5, 2019 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 DH called SIL last night & told her that we were going to mom & if she wanted to be in charge to get on a plane & get down there. SIL is thinking about it. Good. Perfect. SIL can either fly out and help your husband do all of the things you mentioned or she can stay home. Up to her -- your husband has no other choice but to move forward if his sister doesn't want to help. UGH! How do I sit back & let this terrified, depressed woman who is experiencing auditory & visual hallucinations struggle alone? Her kids have all always said that is jut mom "telling stories." No it's not! I'm a "fixer" & I'm not good at backing off. She isn't going to struggle alone. Your husband is going to be there for her and handle all of this for her. And you really need to let your husband handle it. You can help him out tangentially, if absolutely necessary, but he needs to be the one leading the charge and getting his mother the help she needs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 (edited) I’m sorry Donni. This is hard. Just wanted to say, my neighbour had dementia and she had hallucinations. Medication can cause hallucinations. My mother had cancer and the burden of her disease caused hallucinations. Brain tumours can cause hallucinations... there are so many things that can cause the emotional lability and hallucinations that she has been experiencing. This woman needs to see a doctor and have a brain scan and complete medical workup. It’s sad that you have to pressure her daughter to go, but you are not wrong to advocate for her health. Keep us posted. Edited March 5, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 Thanks BaileyB. I spent the last 10 years of her life keeping my mom safe. She had Alzheimer's. I really just want MIL to be safe & happy. Right now she's neither. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 I hear you. I took six months off work to be with my mom and care for her during her illness. I can’t even begin to understand why her daughter won’t come to her assistance. But thankfully, your husband will be there. And, he has your support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 The problem is as things deteriorate further I'm the one with the flexibility to be able to run down to Florida on a weekday to help. DH has a job with the gov't & can't just take off. He's actually putting in for family leave to do this. SIL is all the way on the west coast & she admits she ran as far away as she could for a reason. She's broke but has local work commitments so she has neither the time, the money or the advocacy skills to help her mother. DH's brother lives 20 minutes away but he's literally off his meds so he's unreliable. He's also the one who repeatedly claims mom is fine; it's like he refuses to see what is right in front of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 So much love. I just went through my Mom thinking that Frasier was sitting on our couch having a conversation with her. Turns out that she had a rather nasty UTI and it had "gone to her brain" (apparently that can happen with the elderly) and that is why she was having the hallucinations. She spent a few days in patient with some IV antibiotics and was back more like herself. Not quite 100% but a good 97% improvement. Your MIL definitely needs to have a full work up done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 Wallysbears -- glad to hear that your mother pulled through. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 d0nnivain... Don't you own the house that MIL is in?? If so, use that as leverage to get the SIL to get on board. Tell her that you are afraid that MIL will accidentally burn the house down and you and your husband can't let that happen. Tell SIL that unless she flies in and takes control of the situation you'll be left with no choice but to boot your MIL out of the home (for her safety as much as your peace of mind/investment) If MIL truly believes that "the people on the TV" are "controlling" her, you have a MAJOR problem. Unless she has some type of short term chemical imbalance, (that can be corrected with medication) she can't live alone in your home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 We do own the house. I actually care more about MILs safety then the house. It's insured. DH is making arrangements for us to fly down there. I told him what agencies to contact for a home health assessment & to get MIL signed up for social services like meals on wheels & wellness checks. He called his sister & told her to get her ass on a plane if she actually expects to be included in the decision making process. He also told her it was ridiculous for her to be in charge from 3000 miles & 4 time zones away. He said he will take charge but she (SIL) needs to get on board & support that. She's "thinking" about it. I spoke to other SIL today. She will send BIL over to see MIL tomorrow. While he can't be in charge of anything (& sometimes he shouldn't even be in charge of himself but that is another story), he does love his mother so he's at least gonna go see her tomorrow. They can be short term stop gaps until DH & I can get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Your mother in law is lucky to have you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 Your mother in law is lucky to have you!!! She thinks I am a meddlesome witch who wants to control her life. I kinda do but only to make sure she is safe. My motives are pure but it's an adjustment. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 I actually care more about MILs safety then the house. It's insured. Insurance isn't the "be all... end all", it used to be. If the insurance company thinks there is even the slightest factor that you were culpable in allowing an impaired individual to stay in your home, then they will attempt to deny the claim. You may want to check with your agent. And again, I know your MIL's safety is the primary concern, I'm thinking using the "house threat" as a way to motivate the SIL into some form of action. As a side note, I do know of one insurance company that denied a claim for water damage from frozen pipes, as they feel the homeowner didn't do enough to protect the pipes. (ie wrapping the outside pipes, leaving the water on trickle during cold spell, etc.) Insurance companies are always trying to find "an out" or some way to subrogate the claim to someone else. This is your investment, it is a large asset, please protect it to the best of your ability. Just my two cents... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I don't really have any advice OP. Just want to wish you the best and say I admire the care and concern you are showing your MIL. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 We do own the house. I actually care more about MILs safety then the house. It's insured. DH is making arrangements for us to fly down there. I told him what agencies to contact for a home health assessment & to get MIL signed up for social services like meals on wheels & wellness checks. He called his sister & told her to get her ass on a plane if she actually expects to be included in the decision making process. He also told her it was ridiculous for her to be in charge from 3000 miles & 4 time zones away. He said he will take charge but she (SIL) needs to get on board & support that. She's "thinking" about it. I spoke to other SIL today. She will send BIL over to see MIL tomorrow. While he can't be in charge of anything (& sometimes he shouldn't even be in charge of himself but that is another story), he does love his mother so he's at least gonna go see her tomorrow. They can be short term stop gaps until DH & I can get there. so sorry. she's lucky to have you. and while you and her son are down there, get her to sign the power of attorney. get over to the doctor and the bank. tuff tit, so to speak for her daughter, get there first. you're already responsible, for her and the house she lives in, get it on paper, asap. before she has a delusion and lets the circus and the monkeys move in. or starts selling everything for cheap to send to her friend in nigeria, you know him, that prince? of course she thinks her mother thinks your hubs is gruff, he's speaking about things she doesn't want to know. all the best of good luck to you. i've been reading about your mother in law on here for years and i believe you are a good person with the best of intentions. get going darling, she needs you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 SIL needs to check herself! She has someone (you) who is willing to completely take over to keep her mother safe, and she's so worried about maintaining control that she's putting her own mother in harm's way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 At the family's insistence, I backed off. Now I have more extended family calling me & asking me what's going on. I found out those extended family members have reached out to SIL & BIL to find out what is going on. SIL & BIL say they have it under control & BIL is going over there to check on MIL. BIL told me he's too busy & will go next week, some time after the 18th. Meanwhile SIL told me not to listen to the extended family because they are all histrionic liars, prone to exaggeration. Last night I made DH look at mom's FB page because the nonsense posted on there -- the same music video posted every day since January 25 -- finally made DH concerned. Then I called MIL on DH's phone & put the phone on speaker. During the conversation MIL explained to DH that she has this new "job" where she uploads videos to the computer to do on line marketing for some band. She insisted that she is putting up new content daily & that she controls who has access to the website she created for the band. DH was almost in tears when he got off the phone because he didn't even recognize his own mother given the gibberish that was coming out of her mouth. She hurried him off the phone because she had to go talk to the band manager about getting paid. She was upset that the manager was controlling her. DH was so upset he called his father for help. God Bless my FIL. He point blank said D0nnivain has been bringing all of this to your attention for years, it's about time you listen to her. Why are you calling me? Do what she says & get your ass on a plane to go get your mother to a doctor. FIL did agree to call BIL on the ground & encourage BIL to get over to MILs house today. I ended up walking away because DH still thinks his brother can fix all of this. BIL hasn't done anything & it's all getting worse. The sad part is that the extended family who calls won't take action either because they don't want MIL or SIL to get mad at them. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 sigh....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 BIL finally went over there. I spoke to MIL's PCP. Things are looking better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2019 Author Share Posted April 2, 2019 Alas MIL had her doctor's appointment yesterday. New doctor suspects Alzheimer's. I was actually kind of hoping for a tumor; at least with that perhaps advances in surgery could have helped. Maybe if we caught this early enough we can still get MIL on a memory preserving drug like Aricept or something in that family. DH & his siblings are finally taking this seriously. Goal # 1 has to be keeping her safe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 I’m so sorry Donni. That’s not good news. Hopefully the rest of the crew can now get on board and make some good decisions - to give her the best quality of life and keep her safe. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 No one has to be her legal guardian to take her butt to a neurologist and get her a brain scan. My mom had a tumor no one knew about until she was dying. I really don't get why everyone doesn't get all kinds of scans when they're old just to see what's in there! Yes, some places will get sticky about she had to make the appointment herself, but a lot of places let that slide. He says, making an appt for my mom and gets an appt and takes her there. I have done it to my dad. He didn't fight about it and didn't know what on earth except that he was with us and we were in a waiting room. I think you need to unshoulder this and put it on your DH to deal with however he wishes. He should be the one figuring out what to do and talking to his family. Has anyone ever just asked his mom if she'd like to go to a doctor appointment and get a brain scan? Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2019 Author Share Posted April 3, 2019 Has anyone ever just asked his mom if she'd like to go to a doctor appointment and get a brain scan? No. You wouldn't get a straight answer anyway. I got some bizarre story today about her EX-H coming back disguised as the leader of the band she's been following. She's been having a delusion that she's working for the band but they recently fired her. She has now concluded that the band fired her because it's not really the band, it's her bad guy EX (not DH's father) who is impersonating the band leader. I'm loathe to tell SIL because she just left for a much needed vacation. It'll keep 'til she gets back from her friends' wedding. If I didn't make it clear, even though the doctor suspects Alzheimer's, he has scheduled the brain MRI. We're just telling her that it's a new part of a routine check up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 ^ Yeah, that's the way to do it. Obviously she has dementia of some type. My dad lived a long time with dementia. What a mess. Like more than 15 years. It was compounded by alcoholism in his old age, I'm sure. He wasn't like that, thank the Lord, when he was raising me and my sister. So the doctor said it behaved like Alzheimer's but wasn't Alzheimer's and was nondescript dementia. I highly suspect it was caused by him painting cars as a hobby all those years. That paint could do it not vented properly and you couldn't really vent properly because of dust. But now, my mom, I would say she lost her filter entirely in her old age, but I wouldn't call it simple dementia. She slowly faded away, her brain just got very slow and foggy, poor woman. We didn't know why. It was at the end when they finally scanned her and found a tumor. Now I'm worried about getting a tumor. I don't understand why brain scans and other scans aren't done routinely!!! It could prevent so much! Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 So sorry, donn0vain. Actually, it seems to me you're doing great by your MIL. I'm sure DH and his sibs have taken her health more seriously because of your stated concerns than they would have, had you not been advocating for her. So your efforts are not in vain. Just too bad it's taking a toll on you by causing you such stress! There seems to be a lot of stress involved with our aging parents. It's often not an easy time. Sending prayers for you and the situation now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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