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My mom wants to move in with me!


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Old 4th March 2019, 8:29 AM   #1
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My mom wants to move in with me!

I need advice on what to do with a situation with my mom. Background- I'm a 36 year old single mom. My mom just remarried a year and a half ago and moved 2 hours away. She has confided in me that she is not happy, that getting married and moving away was a mistake, she hates her job there and she wants to move back to the town in which I live. For the past 6 months she has been sending me pictures of houses to rent or buy in my area- when I respond that I can't afford that, she tells me "well, I can pay for it". She tells me she needs to be near my son and I...that she worries about us and needs to be here. Things really went sour when I found out that she went and spoke with someone about getting an rental house in my town, asking how soon we can all move in. She calls me and says "I hope you're not mad but I spoke with ___________and asked when we could have the house ready". I responded that it did bother me, that although she is welcome to stay with me anytime, that I just am not really wanting to live with her. I told her its important for me at my age to be on my own, paying my own bills, and being independent. I have lived with her in the past when my son was little, and although I am grateful for everything she gave me and helped me with, it is not a situation that I want to be in again.

Well, she got very upset with me and told me that I don't appreciate her and that I don't care about her needs. She said she needs to be with us and I don't care. She said she has no where to go. I told her that she was being a little overbearing and that really upset her. I love my mom, I am so appreciative of everything that she does and has done for my son and I. My dad has been pretty non existent and she has been doing both roles. I know that I can always count on her to be there and I want to be there for her.... but living with her- getting a house together, etc is not something that I am really wanting right now. Am I being selfish? How can I solve this situation?
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Old 4th March 2019, 8:36 AM   #2
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I can see both sides of it. However, I'd be furious that she was going around me & organizing where I would live without talking to me.

Are there any 2 family or mother-daughter properties available so you can be close but not too close? I may consider that.

You can't stop her from moving back but you don't have to live with her.
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:33 AM   #3
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I moved my mother in with us because she's elderly, widowed and unable to live alone at this point in her life. It is HARD to have a parent live with you. I would not recommend it.

Is there an over 55 community near you where she could get a small place? One that is her own and then you can all get together and such, but you are not living together?
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:45 AM   #4
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I moved my mother in with us because she's elderly, widowed and unable to live alone at this point in her life. It is HARD to have a parent live with you. I would not recommend it.

Is there an over 55 community near you where she could get a small place? One that is her own and then you can all get together and such, but you are not living together?

If my mom were sick or elderly, of course I would take care of her...my mom is only 59 years old, she is in good health and probably makes twice what I make. Family is very important to me and I want to be there for her but I feel like she is being impulsive and just trying to run away from everything instead of trying to go to counseling with her husband or looking for another job. Plus, I have lived with her and it is not easy, especially when she tries to parent my child for me, goes through my things, moves things around in the house that are mine, and her assertive personality just makes me feel like she is in control and I am not. My son has a lot of medical issues and we have gone to appointments and she is the one doing all of the talking to the point where the doctors sometimes assume that she is the mother and I am the sister.

I'm not sure she would go for over 55 housing since she I don't think she thinks of herself as being a "senior".
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:52 AM   #5
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The over 55 communities around here are not necessarily "senior" focused. They just don't have a bunch of kids running around, etc. Most are really nice small townhouses/condos and the community takes care of lawn maintenance, etc.

If my mom was in better health, she'd be in one of those.
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Old 4th March 2019, 10:00 AM   #6
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She sounds rather difficult and opinionated and selfish. Making all those arrangements without even consulting you and seeing how you feel about it.


We've been through that sort of situation with my dad. I'm mid/late 50s and live with my girlfriend in her large house, dad is 89 in good health. He's moved in with us twice in the past 2 years but it hasn't gone so well. Issues arise, and there's no conflict resolution and he takes off and runs back to his house which has been up for sale the past 2 years. Until he gets bored and lonely and tries it again. At this point we've told him it's just too stressful all of us living together and since we're all used to doing things our own way, the inevitable strife occurs and we feel he's better off and will be happier in the long run to get a place nearby. He's welcome to visit as often as he likes, have dinner with us several times per week, I'll check up on him daily if he wants, but at the end of the day he's in his own place and we are in ours.



You could present it along those lines. Best of both worlds so to speak.
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Old 4th March 2019, 12:05 PM   #7
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No, you are not selfish. She shouldn't be laying guilt on you about this.

Just tell her you love her and appreciate her support, but stay firm about not living together.
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Old 4th March 2019, 1:24 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Are there any 2 family or mother-daughter properties available so you can be close but not too close?
Given mom's failure to understand and observe boundaries, even this would be too close for me.

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Originally Posted by yellowhibiscus View Post
I feel like she is being impulsive and just trying to run away from everything instead of trying to go to counseling with her husband or looking for another job.
I wouldn't bring up or discuss the "why" with her, dangerous ground. Stay focused on the "what". I spent the last decade of my dad's life with my folks right around the corner and it was about the perfect distance. Close but not too close...

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Old 4th March 2019, 1:46 PM   #9
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I think you are right to not have your mom move in with you. If she can afford to rent and pay for it, why doesn't she move back in town but you live in different homes?

I was in the same situation years ago. I had just gotten divorced, had one 6 yo son, and by coincidence, my sister divorced too the same year. My family lives on another continent. They came up with the idea that due to the disastrous divorces, my sister, her then 2 yo son, my mom and my dad should all move in with me. It would be best for my sister and I to "help each other".

The idea came that my sister would apply to grad school and live with me, that was the intial thought. My dad wrote me an email scolding me and telling me to never ever say or think that I am helping my sister by letting her and my nephew move in with me, because I'm not helping, we are helping each other. Excuse me? I did not request this help and anyway, I wouldn't have said anything, I needed him to spare me the lecture and the disrespectful treatment.

I said no. I said yes just to sister and son, but I'm not moving in with my parents. I was 37, and I said NO.

I recommend you stay firm and say NO no matter what she says. You have your own life and moving in with parents at 36 and beyond is unreasonable, unless needed for end of life care. She'll get over it. If she doesn't oh well, we can't say yes to unreasonable requests just because someone emotionally blackmails us.
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Old 4th March 2019, 1:50 PM   #10
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Do not live with her. She needs to find a way to stop depending on other people. Not sure how old she is, but I'm 66 and working two jobs, so she can too unless she's totally disabled. She's only thinking of herself, and also, how selfish her saying she needs to be near her son. Fine, then move in with him! I'm sure he's not having any of it either. She can get herself a little studio apartment or a small starter home. Don't even let her stay temporarily or she won't leave and will blame you when you kick her out.
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