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What would you do? A research question...


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 28th February 2019, 3:15 AM   #1
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What would you do? A research question...

Loveshack Family I need to ask a favor. I don’t know if this is the correct area to ask because well this is the demographic im going to discuss. If this isn’t(please tag an admin somebody) ill erase or move the question. FULL DISCLOSURE…I am currently in a program that requires me to reach out to people regarding a topic I chose.This topic has to be inspired by a personal experience so yes this happened to my mom. I am the three year old…but again not totally about me just the inspiration for the research question. I am to ask the question,”collect data”(bc this isn’t an official study it in quotes) and interpret the data based on the Ground Theory of coding(google it is an interesting way researchers categorize data). So the research question I have for those in this part of the forum is below :
What is your next move?
You are a single parent who often has to rely on your mother to take care of your three year old while you go to work. One day you overhear your MOTHER having a discussion with your two nieces(ages 7 and 12) about your three year old. Your mother is apparently chastising them about not doing well in school. Your mother proceeds to tell your nieces your three yr old is going to grow up attend college and they(the nieces) will be beneath your child’s notice. This of course will cause the nieces to resent your child. You were thinking of asking your mother to move in because of financial reasons but now you aren’t sure. What would you do? Would you keep allowing your mother to be around your child?(remember the nieces are also there until there mother gets off work AFTER YOU)… Would you still ask your mother to move in?
I want to in advance thank anyone who answers. I chose this forum because of the diversity of folks in here.

Last edited by siren8272; 28th February 2019 at 3:17 AM..
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Old 28th February 2019, 10:43 AM   #2
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I'd seek out my sibling (the nieces' parent) & tell that person what happened.

I'd speak to the nieces & try to undo the psychological damage mom did by assuring them that they are valuable people with the potential to achieve great things in life. I would spend my life shoring up that message.

I would talk to mom privately & with the niece's parent about how inappropriate her statements were & caution her against doing it again.

Those actions are not listed in any particular order.

But no I don't think I'd move back in with mom. She sounds like a person from whom I'd need space.
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:53 AM   #3
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Are the financial reasons for mum to move in to her advantage or mine exclusively?

If I'm close enough to my mum to get her to babysit my kid while at work (and she's doing me a huge favour as I'm saving money on childcare), I'm close enough to talk to her directly about how she talks to my nieces, to clarify the situation.

Chances are, if she can talk to my nieces like that, she can talk to my kid like that too.

If talking to the mum leads nowhere, I find a childminder that my nieces' parents and I can both use.

As a single parent, I would not move in with my parents or have them move in with me for financial reasons in any event (for other reasons like health, yes) - I would find another way to make it work for me, regardless of how close I am to them.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:11 PM   #4
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If I'm close enough to my mum to get her to babysit my kid while at work (and she's doing me a huge favour as I'm saving money on childcare), I'm close enough to talk to her directly about how she talks to my nieces, to clarify the situation.
Agree, these two issues are tied closely together. I'd want to arrange a discussion with all the affected parties, if for no other reason than I want to see how Mom reacts. If she's vested in making these damaging statements to children ("I did nothing wrong"), then I guarantee she's making equally unkind assertions to your 3-year old.

Either I trust Mom's judgement or I don't. And if the latter, not only is she not moving in, she's no longer watching my child. I'd quickly make other arrangements.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't help Mom logistically or financially if she needed it, that's a separate topic...

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Old 1st March 2019, 10:01 PM   #5
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Would you still ask your mother to move in?
No... You need to be independent. Why aren't you receiving support from the other parent?? Utilize those funds to get your own apartment and child care without involving the grandmother.

Personally, I'd live in my car before I would move in with my mother.
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Old 1st March 2019, 10:02 PM   #6
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If it is a more-or-less accurate or honest portrayal of the situation, why is it a 'dig'?
If it is not, and just an assumption or conjecture or speculation on the part of THE PERSON WHO WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR RESEARCH, why is it a 'dig'?

Blocking people who are trying to help you with your own research is...???...a smart, adult move? .
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Old 1st March 2019, 10:03 PM   #7
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First, I'd consider if your mother said this sort of stuff to you yourself as you were growing up and not just look at one isolated incident that might need some context. If this is just like her but you turned out okay, then maybe the nieces won't be scarred for life or dislike your child because of it.

If you decide that you do not like your mother's parenting style, then not only should you not let her move in (does she even want to? Doesn't she have a life?) but you also don't want her babysitting for you, right?

You can't have it both ways. She is who she is. Either she's fit to parent or she's not. Sure, you can ask her not to say things like that again for fear of polarizing, but if she has a habit of doing stuff like that, correcting one odd thing isn't going to fix the situation.

Last, when deciding whether to move in together, I'd try to remember what it was like before and whether you can handle that now or not.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:13 AM   #8
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Um actually

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronni_W View Post
If it is a more-or-less accurate or honest portrayal of the situation, why is it a 'dig'?
If it is not, and just an assumption or conjecture or speculation on the part of THE PERSON WHO WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR RESEARCH, why is it a 'dig'?

Blocking people who are trying to help you with your own research is...???...a smart, adult move? .



Actually if a "participant" is considered aggresive,combative,or non-compliant ...as a researcher i can disregard their answers and not have them part of the study.....good thing I thoroughly read through the ethics section in my APA handbook .....

Last edited by siren8272; 2nd March 2019 at 12:14 AM.. Reason: clarification on researcher's choices...
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:17 AM   #9
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To the rest of you again thank you for your help I am "collecting data" as we speak. I am not responding because again I am just to collect data nothing else. So please no "advice" on what you think I as the researcher should feel about the personal experience.


This is about what YOU as the participant would do.



Again thank you for participating...id offer drinks ,but thats kinda hard over the internet....
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:24 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
No... You need to be independent. Why aren't you receiving support from the other parent?? Utilize those funds to get your own apartment and child care without involving the grandmother.

Personally, I'd live in my car before I would move in with my mother.


again *gentle reminder... this is about what the participant would do not the researcher. Tl;DR : This is not about me I am just the data collector

Last edited by siren8272; 2nd March 2019 at 12:28 AM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:37 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by siren8272 View Post
again *gentle reminder... this is about what the participant would do not the researcher. TlR : This is not about me I am just the data collector
OK... I understand... I am playing the role of a single parent. Then the first thing I do is to have my local child support enforcement agency secure funds from the other parent. I attempt to find an apartment and childcare that fits into my budget. If I am unable to do that, I'll attempt to house share with another individual in the same boat and split expenses and we watch each other's child.

I need to be independent of my own mother, as she is not always going to be around. She may pass away while my "hypothetical" child is still young and not be there for support. Moreover, it is my "hypothetical" child, I made this choice to procreate and so "I made my bed, so I need to lie in it." I need to be responsible for the choices I made and not run home to my mommy for assistance.

I'm assuming that is how you want the response worded.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 2:02 AM   #12
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Yes exactly ....I apologize if i come across snarky ,but some have chosen to take this to a personal level(now deleted)....this isnt about me for once and as an only child imagine how tough that is HA
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Old 2nd March 2019, 9:14 AM   #13
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I agree with Preraph that the history is important to consider.
Id talk to the grandmother, tell her not to compare the kids to each other or set up a competition and talk about how to encourage them with their schoolwork, then wait a while to see how things go before deciding whether to ask the grandmother to move in.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 11:33 AM   #14
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I can't know what I would do with only this small snippet of information. I don't know anything about this mother other than what she said to the nieces and I don't even know exactly how it was said. Having a parent move in is a huge decision that could negatively or positively impact all involved. Who would make such a decision based on so little info. Even If I had an ad in the paper looking for a roommate, when deciding on a suitable applicant I'd need to know some more information other then they were overheard saying something negative once.
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Old 12th March 2019, 6:38 AM   #15
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i would say that you did not hear the entire convo and that college is important.

and i would let the "researcher" know, i aint a guinea pig, i'm their grandmother.

if the "researcher" wants to protest, fine. just tell her to stop giving toddlers life advice and stop pitting the kids against each other over a decision that is years away.



none of the kids have been neglected or injured. none of them have gone missing, grandma wasn't passed out drunk while the kids were using the stove or trying to use the pool, right?
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