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Living with daughter isn't working


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 21st February 2019, 6:57 PM   #16
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Nobody likes to be controlled and you’ll only get rebellion from that kind of thing. Whether she’s in your home or not, it doesn’t give you the right to treat her as you please. Yes, she needs to be respectful of your home but her bad situation doesn’t give you license to treat her as you please. Controlling people are extremely exasperating and so difficult to be around. Do you really want your daughter to resent you in such a way? You have nothing to gain by being controlling. It’ll backfire on you every time.
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Old 21st February 2019, 7:01 PM   #17
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Would you consider entering family counselling with your daughter? Treat it as an opportunity to bury past grievances and to make a fresh start with mutual respect of each other's needs.
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Old 21st February 2019, 7:36 PM   #18
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The father isn't British and is working on the other side of the world. She applied for support, but because he's overseas it isn't going to happen.

I know I need to change. That's the only part of the situation I can do anything about. I think I need to keep my distance more. The baby loves us equally because I've taken on the father role, but he isn't my child, he's my grandchild.

Contributing to her living elsewhere isnt feasible. I can't afford it.

Things I can't take tho, are her allowing him to scream at night (I've been sleep training him but she isn't in favour) because I have a demanding job and I can't be kept awake half the night by a baby crying. Also the mess. She's very untidy and I can't live in a dirty house. Other than those things, I let other stuff go. I make her contribute to groceries but that's about all she can afford.
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Old 21st February 2019, 8:20 PM   #19
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Your daughter sounds spoiled and ignorant. Untidy in YOUR home, doesn't care that the baby isn't sleeping well and is disturbing your sleep when you have to get up for work. Basically she's emotionally blackmailing you into putting up with her behaviour because you don't want to see your grandson homeless. Sounds like the baddest thing you did as a mother was fail to foot her up the rear when she was asking for it.
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Old 21st February 2019, 10:28 PM   #20
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Things I can't take tho, are her allowing him to scream at night (I've been sleep training him but she isn't in favour) because I have a demanding job and I can't be kept awake half the night by a baby crying. Also the mess. She's very untidy and I can't live in a dirty house. Other than those things, I let other stuff go. I make her contribute to groceries but that's about all she can afford.
Again, you both need boundaries, flexibility and consideration. Babies cry at night and any mitigation is up to Mom. You can use earplugs or a white noise machine or app to adjust. It's not your job to "sleep train".

And kids also equal mess. We had two kids 363 days apart, went from house beautiful to house of horrors, it comes with the territory.

You need to decide what's important. With an infant under your roof, you won't have a quiet, neat home. You will have one full of life...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 21st February 2019, 10:36 PM   #21
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Those things you mention that she’s doing are unacceptable. That’s her disrespecting you and your home. Tell her to straighten up or find somewhere else to live where someone else will put up with those things (which no one will).
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Old 22nd February 2019, 3:57 AM   #22
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I don't mind baby mess. But daughter has always been messy, like her father. Beyond just untidy.

I've tried ear plugs but they don't block the noise. Our house isn't big and the baby is loud. It was getting to the point where I couldn't work. Something has to give there. I'm the only breadwinner. I'd sleep downstairs on the sofa if it was away from the noise, but it's an old house and the noise travels.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 8:55 AM   #23
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I would collect information on social services housing options for your daughter and tell her if she cannot treat you better she is welcome to opt in.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:10 AM   #24
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Territory.
Assign boundaries and do not cross them.
Her room, your room.
Common areas need rules drafted and observed so they do not become messy and resentment builds.
Step back, it is her baby not yours.
If she asks for help give it, otherwise do not interfere.
If the baby is screaming all night with no obvious cause, then I guess the conflict and stress is already affecting it.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 10:29 AM   #25
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I don't mind baby mess. But daughter has always been messy, like her father. Beyond just untidy.

I've tried ear plugs but they don't block the noise. Our house isn't big and the baby is loud. It was getting to the point where I couldn't work. Something has to give there. I'm the only breadwinner. I'd sleep downstairs on the sofa if it was away from the noise, but it's an old house and the noise travels.
I sympathize with the problem of having your sleep interrupted. Heck, sleep deprivation is a from of torture. Does the baby's crying grate on your daughter? I would think it would. Does she have a hard time soothing the baby so it stops crying? If so, maybe a "baby and me" type of class could teach her techniques. If she's doing the nighttime baby care she must be exhausted. Being up every night for a baby usually ends, or decreases, after the baby's on solid food and can sleep through the night, about 3-4 months.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 11:50 AM   #26
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But daughter has always been messy, like her father. Beyond just untidy.
Well, now we know where she learned it.

heartbrokenlady, my experience with difficult family situations like yours is that you either find reasons to make it work, or reasons why it can't. You seem to be focused on the latter.

Tell your daughter she's got 30 days to find something else and assist as you can with the move. As you've said, it is your house...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 22nd February 2019, 2:41 PM   #27
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Mr. Lucky, I've made no secret of the fact that her moving out isn't possible. No financial help is available from the state or the father. She can't afford to leave yet. My solution has to come from me changing. I've stated that already. Some commenters have made helpful suggestions, such as stepping back, setting boundaries, letting go of control etc.

Advice to kick out a woman and a young baby isn't an option when I know she A can't afford to live independently yet and B isn't entitled to government help or housing is ridiculous. Should I see them on the street?

Why comment if your idea of help is judgement and no useful advice?
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Old 22nd February 2019, 2:47 PM   #28
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Things I can't take tho, are her allowing him to scream at night (I've been sleep training him but she isn't in favour) because I have a demanding job and I can't be kept awake half the night by a baby crying. Also the mess. She's very untidy and I can't live in a dirty house. Other than those things, I let other stuff go. I make her contribute to groceries but that's about all she can afford.
Ok for these two issues:
1. She needs to be told, plainly, that if the baby is going to be crying at night, she needs to get up and soothe the baby...not just let him cry and wake you when you have to work. She doesn't have to subscribe to 'sleep training' but she DOES have to respect that other people in the house need to wake up to work and bring home money.

2. Since she isn't working and contributing financially, it is her responsibility to shoulder more of the domestic chores. Perhaps make a list of who will do what each day around the house.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 6:45 PM   #29
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I would imagine a baby who cries half the night would be distressing to all concerned - including the baby.

Is the crying literally half the night? If so, has she spoken to the baby clinic/paediatrician? Can she attend a residential facility for new moms to help get sleeping sorted out? If not, what professional advice has she been given?
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Old 22nd February 2019, 6:55 PM   #30
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Why comment if your idea of help is judgement and no useful advice?
I'd guess at times, your daughter would ask you the same thing.

By your description, she's clearly struggling with difficult circumstances. You might emphasize love and support more than quiet and order.

I will step out of your thread. Hope things work out for all of you...

Mr. Lucky
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