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Living with daughter isn't working


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Old 21st February 2019, 1:17 PM   #1
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Living with daughter isn't working

I need advice.

My daughter and my grandson live with me. The baby isn't a year yet and my daughter can't afford to live in her own place. I don't really mind. I love seeing my grandson everyday.

The problem is, my daughter and I can't live together. We have a difficult relationship and can't get on living together.

We've been arguing a lot lately. It's same old same old BUT it's bad for the baby. I don't want him growing up around this arguing.

I don't know what to do. The only thing I can control in the situation is myself but don't know how.
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:26 PM   #2
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Where is the baby's father? Does he support her and are they planning on moving together?
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:28 PM   #3
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He is on the other side of the world. Did a fast move when he found out she was pregnant. Takes no responsibility.

That's not an issue. The baby is very loved and wanted.
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:29 PM   #4
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What will it take for your daughter to become financially independent?
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:32 PM   #5
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What do you and your daughter argue about?

Generally my rule of thumb is that if someone else's decisions do not harm me personally, I have no say in what they decide. If you and your daughter argue about how to take care of the baby, the mother decides and the grandmother defers, in my opinion.
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:34 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by heartbrokenlady View Post
He is on the other side of the world. Did a fast move when he found out she was pregnant. Takes no responsibility.

That's not an issue. The baby is very loved and wanted.
I guess that the baby is very loved and wanted as you mentioned it in your first post. I'm thinking with his child support and a job she should be able to make it.
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:43 PM   #7
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He pays no child support. She isn't working yet (we moved back to the uk recently). I work full time, but she won't be able to support them yet.

It isn't the financial issue, it's more that she and I have a difficult relationship. She feels I was a bad mother and is angry and resentful. I know I wasn't great but don't feel I was as bad as she feels I was. I think she needs to grow up and move on emotionally. She thinks I'm controlling, which I can be but she's living in my home so
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Old 21st February 2019, 3:52 PM   #8
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If your position is that she needs to grow up and move on emotionally and you concede that you can be controlling and are justified in being controlling since they are living with you, then it seems she does need to move out. That's a pity since it is so difficult to take care of a baby alone but I agree with you that it's not good for a child to be around a lot of conflict.
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Old 21st February 2019, 4:59 PM   #9
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Well you seem like a good mother to me letting her and her baby stay rent free under your roof. She will see how hard it is to be a mother.
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Old 21st February 2019, 5:04 PM   #10
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What are the arguments about?
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Old 21st February 2019, 5:24 PM   #11
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Step one. Your daughter needs to make application for child support. It doesn't matter that you don't "need" the money. The money belongs to the baby. Get the money & throw it in an account so there will be a source of funds for college, a car or a down payment on a house for the kid.

Second: you & your daughter need to settle on some house rules. Who does the chores. Who cares for the baby. And when she will get a job. She's a mom now & needs to get her act together for her kid.
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Old 21st February 2019, 5:27 PM   #12
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Agree she must file for child support. Then maybe she could afford her own place or to share one with another single mother.

Two, as long as you're letting her stay there when you don't have to, why are you putting up with any of her arguing. Make the rules clear, as was said above, and one of the rules is no arguing or you're out.
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Old 21st February 2019, 5:32 PM   #13
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You also have to let your daughter make mistakes. You were a 1st time parent once too. Resist the urge to control the situation. If the baby is not in danger, let your daughter raise her child as she sees fit even if your way is "better." You can make suggestions but they have to phrased sweetly "Have you ever considered doing X instead of Y?" Even though she is your daughter, she is still somebody else's mom & she gets to be treated like an adult even when you know better.
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Old 21st February 2019, 5:57 PM   #14
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Well you seem like a good mother to me letting her and her baby stay rent free under your roof. She will see how hard it is to be a mother.
I don't know a mother who wouldn't happily welcome her child and grandchild into her home, especially when her child is a new mom, the grandchild is still a baby and the child/daughter has no partner assisting her. Of course my kid could move in with me if she were in a similar situation. I just had my house remodeled (4 months of construction- ugh) to create a suite for my mom to move into my home with me. That's what family does.

Last edited by Tamfana; 21st February 2019 at 6:00 PM..
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Old 21st February 2019, 6:37 PM   #15
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I think she needs to grow up and move on emotionally. She thinks I'm controlling, which I can be but she's living in my home so
I hope you understand change won't have to come solely from your daughter.

Having an adult child live with you, especially one that's moved back home, is very different than having a kid under your roof. If the two of you can't meet somewhere in the middle, you might be better off contributing what you can to childcare and separate residences...

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