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How to deal with controlling adult daughter who is stressing me out.


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Old 15th February 2019, 3:49 PM   #1
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How to deal with controlling adult daughter who is stressing me out.

My daughter can be very controlling...it's her way or the highway sometimes. In some sense, she is immature (and possibly spoiled), even though she is 26 y/o. She lives with her boyfriend far from home, but she's on my case often about what I eat and who I date. I am a widow so maybe that has something to do with it.
I'm sort of at my wits end. After dating the same man for several years, she has made it clear she really dislikes him and can't see what I see in him. I realize he doesn't have a lot of money (and I'm financially very settled) and that he has had financial issues in the past, but he seems to have recovered and I've know him and his family for many years so he's not some kook out there. Whenever he tries reaching out to her, she freaks and she also freaks when she hears I'm with him. To be transparent, he did get "into trouble" many years ago for a financial matter, and maybe she's ashamed if I'm with him?
She yells and hangs up the phone on me when his name comes up.
I'm happy with him and he has been very good to me and my son. He wants to be part of my family and me be a part of his. I may want to live with him (he already wants to live with me) and I'm not stupid and realize I need to do some legal work to protect my finances.
Other than avoiding his name, I feel that I just need to tell her to back off (nicely but firmly). This is my life not hers and I'm very hurt and disappointed that she is behaving this way.
Does anyone have any other advice?
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:00 PM   #2
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This sounds familiar...
Tell her to back off and if she doesn't just quit talking with her and live your life.
Shrieks and hangs up??? Really?
Madness.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:05 PM   #3
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have you made bad choices in love in the past? is that why she is so sure of her yelling and hanging up? is it like "mom, you never learn"?
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:06 PM   #4
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Sheís always had a temper. Iím very non confrontational and I get really upset so much so I canít speak up for myself with her. Somehow she rattled me v
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:09 PM   #5
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I was happily married to her dad for 27 years until he passed away.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:10 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harrassed View Post
<snip> she really dislikes him and can't see what I see in him. I realize he doesn't have a lot of money (and I'm financially very settled) and that he has had financial issues in the past, but he seems to have recovered and I've know him and his family for many years so he's not some kook out there. Whenever he tries reaching out to her, she freaks and she also freaks when she hears I'm with him. To be transparent, he did get "into trouble" many years ago for a financial matter, and maybe she's ashamed if I'm with him? <snip>
What does that mean? Bankruptcy? Fraud? Embezzlement?
It might just be that she doesn't want you to be drained dry financially.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:10 PM   #7
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I only dated a few guys since then. One looked good on paper and she liked him but there wasnít any chemistry for me even though I tried.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:13 PM   #8
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He and his brother had a business for 30 years and they started to run low on cash so his brother masterminded check kiting. He followed. His brother committed suicide and he was sent to jail for a year. Everyone is entitled to a second chance. He hasn’t been in trouble since that happened 13 years ago.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:15 PM   #9
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Like they say, you teach people how to treat you. My guess is that your daughter has been running roughshod over you most of her life. I'm a pretty easy-going guy, but none of my four adult kids would dare treat me the way your daughter treats you; they'd know they'd very quickly be called out on it because I'm not going to put up with that kind of crap from anyone, let alone someone whose diapers I changed.

I wouldn't get in her face about it, at least not immediately, but I'd calmly remind my daughter that you are an adult capable of making your own decisions and while you welcome her input, you expect that input to be respectful and if that's too difficult, she should feel free to keep her opinions to herself. Period.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:22 PM   #10
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Quote:
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He and his brother had a business for 30 years and they started to run low on cash so his brother masterminded check kiting. He followed. His brother committed suicide and he was sent to jail for a year. Everyone is entitled to a second chance. He hasnít been in trouble since that happened 13 years ago.
My kids (32 & 28) would disapprove of my dating someone with a felony history too, and if I had more $ than he did they'd be VERY concerned that he would take advantage of me financially. Maybe discuss with her the measures you're taking to protect your own assets and the way you and your BF ensure that you won't be taken advantage of.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:27 PM   #11
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Still havenít resolved this issue, have you? No matter how bad your choices may be, your daughter has no right to harass you. You keep posting about this but never seem to get resolution. Hang up on your daughter when she talks to you that way, donít allow her to visit, tell her to get over it, straighten her out, or dump the bf.
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Old 15th February 2019, 4:59 PM   #12
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If she lives far away, just ignore her. When she calls, hold the phone away from your ear while she carries on about whatever is bugging her then do what you want.
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Old 15th February 2019, 5:06 PM   #13
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My daughter can be very controlling...
Is she holding you at gunpoint? Are you locked in her basement?

Because under any other set of circumstances, she only has the power you grant her. As others have already said, many options before you, including simply ceasing contact for a period of time when she acts like this.

The problem isn't her, it's you. By allowing her to continue to treat you this way, you've taught her it's an OK thing to do. There's a difference between non-confrontational and enabling, and your quiet acquiescence has created an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you.

Something only you can fix...

Mr. Lucky
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