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My sister wants to invite me ex-wife to her wedding


Trail Blazer

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My sister announced to the world via social media that she's getting married in November last year. She wanted to wait until the new year and holiday season was over before concentrating on the wedding.

 

So anyway, I was talking to her on Messenger last night (she lives in California) and she said that my ex is invited. I asked her if she's going to send her an invite, to which she replied: "No, the invite will be sent to you, and it will be open, so that way you can bring your new (not so new now) partner and her son, plus your kids as well."

 

I told my sister that I wasn't comfortable with her coming as we're in the midst of a divorce and there's a bit that's been going on behind the scenes. She just said, "Oh okay. We'll talk about it again more before I send the invites out."

 

I don't want to be petty, but really, I'd just prefer to go with my kids. I want my girlfriend to come with me as well, but it would be super awkward if both came as they've not met yet and, well... yeah, it'd just be awkward.

 

I spoke with my mom this evening (not my sister's mom) and she said that while she totally gets (and wouldn't want my ex there either), it's not really my call to pressure my sister into not inviting her if she wants to (my ex still seems to have a relationship with my family in Cali via Facebook since we separated).

 

I'm not really sure what to think right now.

Edited by Trail Blazer
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Unless she and your sister have been best friends for decades, your sister should defer to your judgement on the matter. I get that it's her wedding and all of that, but she's not considering the complexity of the situation, taking her guest's feelings into account, or realizing the potential for unnecessary drama. What is your ex to her anyway––some kind of queen bee?

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You have to make it clear that your sister has to stay out of your marriage & divorce. I'd actually go so far as to skip the wedding if she insists that your EX is there.

 

Since your sister has no boundaries, go around her to her mom & her FI. Get them to get her off this dumb idea.

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At this stage my sister isn't insistent on inviting her. Clearly it was her intention to, and I was a little taken aback by her surprise that I may have actually not wanted my ex to be invited. While she accepted my position, she didn't exactly knock the idea on the head either. I'll feel a little uneasy until she tells me, "your ex is NOT invited."

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I know someone like this.

She over the years, bonded with the ex wife and the kids but she has no real time for her brother and his new life...

Sister and brother very different.

Sister and ex wife very similar.

Like you, brother moved swiftly on to another woman, she didn't like that one bit...

 

It is a difficult one. It is her wedding, she gets to decide who attends.

Try not to be too awkward and cause a fight. Do not just assume your gf will be accepted with open arms.. she is "new" - less than a year, your sister and your ex have history.

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I know someone like this.

She over the years, bonded with the ex wife and the kids but she has no real time for her brother and his new life...

Sister and brother very different.

Sister and ex wife very similar.

Like you, brother moved swiftly on to another woman, she didn't like that one bit...

 

It is a difficult one. It is her wedding, she gets to decide who attends.

Try not to be too awkward and cause a fight. Do not just assume your gf will be accepted with open arms.. she is "new" - less than a year, your sister and your ex have history.

 

I never had much of a relationship with any of my siblings in California. Sure, I'd spend part of summer break in Cali every year, but when you grow up in different states it just happens like that.

 

My ex was always a social butterfly. She talks to anyone and everyone. They've all been friends (my family and ex) on social media for over 10 years now. I guess that doesn't just evaporate in the 14 months we've been separated.

 

For what it's worth, my family are very welcoming people and they have been looking forward to meeting my gf for some time. My gf isn't comfortable going if my ex is going. That's not a reason I've told my sister, though. There's many factors besides just that for why I don't want her there.

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I never had much of a relationship with any of my siblings in California.

^^^ this is the problem, you may be blood but you are not close family.

 

They've all been friends (my family and ex) on social media for over 10 years now.

Compared to this ^^^, there is no competition.

You may have to do the decent thing and back down here and accept your ex's right to be at the wedding of her good friend.

Edited by elaine567
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I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.

 

I know it sounds petty, but we are not really on good terms at the moment and she'll rub it in my face trying to compete with me and outdo me. Since informing her of my relationship with another woman, she seemingly has an axe to grind, but is doing so in her typical passive-aggressive fashion.

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I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.

 

At the risk of being blunt, your problem, not your sisters. Since you mention "kids" going to guess you were married for a while and your sis developed a relationship with the mother of your children.

 

This is the bride's day, don't make it about you. If you want to limit the interaction with your STBX, fly in the night before the ceremony and leave after the reception for some other warm California destination for time with GF and kids. It's a big state, should be room for all of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If she's giving the invite to YOU (as in, she's not inviting your ex personally), I think what she means is that you CAN invite the ex if you want to, but you don't HAVE to.

 

 

If she invites your ex personally, I think you shouldn't cause drama (it is her wedding after all), but you don't have to have any part in it.

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I’m invited to a lot of things from my ex’s family but I all the dust has settled from the divorce so it’s a different thing. I think your sister is being inconsiderate toward you.

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I think you’re letting your anxiety get the best of you. Your sister isn’t insisting that your ex come to the wedding. The way you describe it, she presented it as a possibility only. She’s sending the open invitation to you. She said you would discuss it again when she sends out the invitations. Just be honest with her about why you don’t want your ex to be there. You don’t want her there, in part, because she may cause drama at the wedding. I have a feeling this will work itself out in a way that makes you happy.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.

 

I know it sounds petty, but we are not really on good terms at the moment and she'll rub it in my face trying to compete with me and outdo me. Since informing her of my relationship with another woman, she seemingly has an axe to grind, but is doing so in her typical passive-aggressive fashion.

 

I think you have valid reasons for not wanting the ex there. If your sister is giving you the option to nix ex's invite, then do so, and respectfully explain the reasons to your sister. If that's all there is to it then it's not really a problem, right?

 

The notion about it being the bride's big day and therefore nothing else matters is laughable. Too many Disney movies.

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I think you have valid reasons for not wanting the ex there. If your sister is giving you the option to nix ex's invite, then do so, and respectfully explain the reasons to your sister. If that's all there is to it then it's not really a problem, right?

 

The notion about it being the bride's big day and therefore nothing else matters is laughable. Too many Disney movies.

 

 

In real life, IME, it's pretty common for friends and family to make concessions for the wedding couple (not just the bride). I've been to plenty of weddings where I didn't like someone or something that was there, but didn't make a fuss out of it.

 

 

 

Obviously that's not carte blanche for the couple to do really horrendous crap and expect guests to put up with it, but it's not exactly uncommon to bump into your ex at social events, and weddings aren't really an exception. It's not the couple's job to make sure that all of their guests are BFFs - if you don't like someone at the wedding, just don't talk to them and socialize with others.

 

 

 

In the OP's case, the sister even seems to be giving him the option of not having his ex there, so I'm not sure what all the hate on her is about.

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It's not the couple's job to make sure that all of their guests are BFFs - if you don't like someone at the wedding, just don't talk to them and socialize with others.

 

Exactly. Being invited to a wedding is something most people are gracious about.

 

If they can’t be, the trouble lies with them.

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You have to be able to coparent together so what better way to start it off...

 

This is life.. it is what it is...

 

Your Sister didn't do anything wrong, quite the opposite.. your STBX is part of your Sisters family and she extended the invite.

 

I get why you wouldn't want her there and maybe she might feel the same way and decline the invite but the invite was extended so you should at the very least bring your STBX into the loop and allow her to make up her mind.

 

BTW, what are you going to do with kids sports or get togethers ? your decisions will affect your children in the end so many parents put on a happy face and go to those B-Day parties or Graduations etc etc and suck it up of a couple of hours...

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BTW, what are you going to do with kids sports or get togethers ? your decisions will affect your children in the end so many parents put on a happy face and go to those B-Day parties or Graduations etc etc and suck it up of a couple of hours...

 

 

Exactly.

Making an enemy out of the ex is never a good idea with kids in the picture...

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I think you have valid reasons for not wanting the ex there.

 

What if there's someone who thinks they have a valid reason why the OP shouldn't be there? This stuff gets crazy when planning a wedding, hard enough as it is to determine seating, much less placate people who think they can't be in the building together.

 

And as I'm not the first to point out, does the OP think he's never going to cross paths with the ex again?

 

Mr. Lucky

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My ex-husband's family was the only family I had for 32 years. His family and I were still close after the divorce, UNTIL he started pressuring me because his new girlfriend did NOT want me around his family.

 

Take the high road. If your sister and that side of the family is close to your ex, then let them have their relationship and tell your girlfriend it has nothing to do with her. She can either accept that there were relationships forged before she came into the picture, and be comfortable in her own skin, OR she can make life miserable for your ex, that part of the family, your children, and eventually you.

 

As you can see, it's a sensitive topic for me. I understand that the family is supposed to side with their blood relations after a divorce. Why can't everyone just get along and let people keep the relationships they spent decades developing? A little maturity goes a long way.

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I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.

 

I know it sounds petty, but we are not really on good terms at the moment and she'll rub it in my face trying to compete with me and outdo me. Since informing her of my relationship with another woman, she seemingly has an axe to grind, but is doing so in her typical passive-aggressive fashion.

 

Your sister needs to respect your decision and tell her what you said in the above.

 

It isn't petty, it's your LIFE and these are your kids. Your ex is being difficult and immature, playing games so with that said, if you sister is aware of your ex's behaviour I would hope she will change her mind and tell you the ex won't be invited.

 

If by chance your sister gives you a hard time and says she wants your ex there, then take it to next level which obviously is that you won't be at the wedding at all.

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I spoke with my sister last night and explained to her that I am not comfortable with my ex coming. I informed her that whilst I don't wish to get into detail, a lot has been going on behind the scenes and I would much prefer if my ex wasn't at the wedding. My sister said that while she was disappointed that the situation is how it is, she respects my wishes and understands that if things are not yet amicable then it's perhaps for the best that my ex isn't invited.

 

For those here questioning me on why I would not want mt ex to attend, I'll give some further context. Things were all pretty good, we were amicable and working through things UNTIL I informed her I was seeing someone else.

 

Since that time my ex has undermined me to anyone who'll listen to her. Running me down on social media, poisoning the kids against me in a very passive-aggressive way. She's played a big hand in the relationship with my 12 year old son being strained.

 

I've done everything possible to leave her and the children (all 4 kids including 2 that aren't mine) in the best shape possible. I am only guilty of looking for love elsewhere after the marriage breakdown. It seems as though, after giving me the boot and telling me how much of a failure I am, she can't handle the fact that someone else might want to be with me.

 

What has been very challenging for me is to sit back, say nothing and see a a whole bunch of people feeling sorry for my ex while she plays the victim. Most of what she'd said PUBLICLY is either completely out of context, a half truth or even a complete fabrication. All while neglecting to mention how much money and other things I've given/done for her post separation which has been above and beyond what would reasonably be expected from most people in my situation.

 

I'm not going to be drawn into trash talking on social media. Sure, sometimes I wish to defend myself, but I know where that will end up. There's no winning in my position. I'm screwed over because she has the power for now, the kids. However, the point being is that if my family knew half of what's gone on, I don't think they'd be so keen on having her around any more.

 

Anyhow, I'm happy because I will get to spend some quality time with my kids, with their family in San Francisco, whom they do not get to see very often. Now, it's just a matter of organizing it with the ex, who will no doubt be a delight to deal with, especially if she realizes that my girlfriend (who my kids adore) and her son will be attending with me, while she's left behind. No, I do not feel sorry for her, she has only herself to blame!

Edited by Trail Blazer
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However, the point being is that if my family knew half of what's gone on, I don't think they'd be so keen on having her around any more.

 

I completely agree with you not engaging in social media mudslinging and airing of laundry, but why can't you let your close family members know at least a little bit of what's going on?

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I completely agree with you not engaging in social media mudslinging and airing of laundry, but why can't you let your close family members know at least a little bit of what's going on?

 

If it comes down to it, I may have to. If I'm pressed at all and I feel that providing further context as to why I don't want her there, then it might be inevitable. As a rule though, it's not in my nature to confide with many people about my personal issues. Only my mom knows everything, and to a lesser extent my girlfriend.

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