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My sister wants to invite me ex-wife to her wedding


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Old 13th February 2019, 7:52 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
It's not the couple's job to make sure that all of their guests are BFFs - if you don't like someone at the wedding, just don't talk to them and socialize with others.
Exactly. Being invited to a wedding is something most people are gracious about.

If they can’t be, the trouble lies with them.
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Old 13th February 2019, 8:44 AM   #17
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You have to be able to coparent together so what better way to start it off...

This is life.. it is what it is...

Your Sister didn't do anything wrong, quite the opposite.. your STBX is part of your Sisters family and she extended the invite.

I get why you wouldn't want her there and maybe she might feel the same way and decline the invite but the invite was extended so you should at the very least bring your STBX into the loop and allow her to make up her mind.

BTW, what are you going to do with kids sports or get togethers ? your decisions will affect your children in the end so many parents put on a happy face and go to those B-Day parties or Graduations etc etc and suck it up of a couple of hours...
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Old 13th February 2019, 9:07 AM   #18
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BTW, what are you going to do with kids sports or get togethers ? your decisions will affect your children in the end so many parents put on a happy face and go to those B-Day parties or Graduations etc etc and suck it up of a couple of hours...

Exactly.
Making an enemy out of the ex is never a good idea with kids in the picture...
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Old 13th February 2019, 12:49 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
I think you have valid reasons for not wanting the ex there.
What if there's someone who thinks they have a valid reason why the OP shouldn't be there? This stuff gets crazy when planning a wedding, hard enough as it is to determine seating, much less placate people who think they can't be in the building together.

And as I'm not the first to point out, does the OP think he's never going to cross paths with the ex again?

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Old 13th February 2019, 4:32 PM   #20
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My ex-husband's family was the only family I had for 32 years. His family and I were still close after the divorce, UNTIL he started pressuring me because his new girlfriend did NOT want me around his family.

Take the high road. If your sister and that side of the family is close to your ex, then let them have their relationship and tell your girlfriend it has nothing to do with her. She can either accept that there were relationships forged before she came into the picture, and be comfortable in her own skin, OR she can make life miserable for your ex, that part of the family, your children, and eventually you.

As you can see, it's a sensitive topic for me. I understand that the family is supposed to side with their blood relations after a divorce. Why can't everyone just get along and let people keep the relationships they spent decades developing? A little maturity goes a long way.
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Old 15th February 2019, 2:24 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.

I know it sounds petty, but we are not really on good terms at the moment and she'll rub it in my face trying to compete with me and outdo me. Since informing her of my relationship with another woman, she seemingly has an axe to grind, but is doing so in her typical passive-aggressive fashion.
Your sister needs to respect your decision and tell her what you said in the above.

It isn't petty, it's your LIFE and these are your kids. Your ex is being difficult and immature, playing games so with that said, if you sister is aware of your ex's behaviour I would hope she will change her mind and tell you the ex won't be invited.

If by chance your sister gives you a hard time and says she wants your ex there, then take it to next level which obviously is that you won't be at the wedding at all.
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Old 15th February 2019, 10:09 AM   #22
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I spoke with my sister last night and explained to her that I am not comfortable with my ex coming. I informed her that whilst I don't wish to get into detail, a lot has been going on behind the scenes and I would much prefer if my ex wasn't at the wedding. My sister said that while she was disappointed that the situation is how it is, she respects my wishes and understands that if things are not yet amicable then it's perhaps for the best that my ex isn't invited.

For those here questioning me on why I would not want mt ex to attend, I'll give some further context. Things were all pretty good, we were amicable and working through things UNTIL I informed her I was seeing someone else.

Since that time my ex has undermined me to anyone who'll listen to her. Running me down on social media, poisoning the kids against me in a very passive-aggressive way. She's played a big hand in the relationship with my 12 year old son being strained.

I've done everything possible to leave her and the children (all 4 kids including 2 that aren't mine) in the best shape possible. I am only guilty of looking for love elsewhere after the marriage breakdown. It seems as though, after giving me the boot and telling me how much of a failure I am, she can't handle the fact that someone else might want to be with me.

What has been very challenging for me is to sit back, say nothing and see a a whole bunch of people feeling sorry for my ex while she plays the victim. Most of what she'd said PUBLICLY is either completely out of context, a half truth or even a complete fabrication. All while neglecting to mention how much money and other things I've given/done for her post separation which has been above and beyond what would reasonably be expected from most people in my situation.

I'm not going to be drawn into trash talking on social media. Sure, sometimes I wish to defend myself, but I know where that will end up. There's no winning in my position. I'm screwed over because she has the power for now, the kids. However, the point being is that if my family knew half of what's gone on, I don't think they'd be so keen on having her around any more.

Anyhow, I'm happy because I will get to spend some quality time with my kids, with their family in San Francisco, whom they do not get to see very often. Now, it's just a matter of organizing it with the ex, who will no doubt be a delight to deal with, especially if she realizes that my girlfriend (who my kids adore) and her son will be attending with me, while she's left behind. No, I do not feel sorry for her, she has only herself to blame!

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 15th February 2019 at 10:13 AM..
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Old 17th February 2019, 3:00 AM   #23
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However, the point being is that if my family knew half of what's gone on, I don't think they'd be so keen on having her around any more.
I completely agree with you not engaging in social media mudslinging and airing of laundry, but why can't you let your close family members know at least a little bit of what's going on?
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Old 17th February 2019, 10:25 AM   #24
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I think it's totally up to her really. It's her wedding
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Old 17th February 2019, 4:30 PM   #25
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I completely agree with you not engaging in social media mudslinging and airing of laundry, but why can't you let your close family members know at least a little bit of what's going on?
If it comes down to it, I may have to. If I'm pressed at all and I feel that providing further context as to why I don't want her there, then it might be inevitable. As a rule though, it's not in my nature to confide with many people about my personal issues. Only my mom knows everything, and to a lesser extent my girlfriend.
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Old 17th February 2019, 5:23 PM   #26
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I think you should be careful how you handle things. If she's posting trash on social media, a restrained response is something to consider. In public relations and politics it's understood that a quick response is necessary to refute slander and false allegations. You don't need to get into a tit-for-tat with her. Just take the high road with more general response pointing out that she's resorting to a social media campaign to inflict harm, which also affects the kids, and that the allegations are all either exaggerated or false. Make the point that it says more about her than you.

Also, be aware of what is known as "parental alienation syndrome." That's when one parent poisons the children against the other parent. My brother was a victim of this and he lost his relationship with his three boys in their early teen years. His ex was BSC, and she managed to cut him out completely. It was tragic. That was fifteen years ago, and just recently one of the boys contacted him and met him for dinner. He finally figured out what his mother did to them and their father. But they can't get those years back, and now it's just a shadow of what a parent/child relationship would normally be (they live far apart). The other two boys haven't come to the realization yet, but we're hoping they will.

The way this works is they portray the other parent as evil, and force the kids to be fully on board with that narrative... or else they will withdraw love and affection. The kids have to choose, but they actually have no choice. It's nasty, nasty stuff. Never give up your visitation rights. If she ever tries to cancel your visitation, take the court order and a sheriff's deputy with you to pick up the kids. Make sure she knows you'll do that if she tries to deny you access. My brother's ex would invite the boy's friends and girlfriends to her house when they were with their father, then call to lure them away. You have to get out in front of this––being passive and non-confrontational will fail.
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Old 19th February 2019, 7:01 AM   #27
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My ex-husband's family was the only family I had for 32 years. His family and I were still close after the divorce, UNTIL he started pressuring me because his new girlfriend did NOT want me around his family. <snip>

As you can see, it's a sensitive topic for me. I understand that the family is supposed to side with their blood relations after a divorce. Why can't everyone just get along and let people keep the relationships they spent decades developing? A little maturity goes a long way.
any member of a family, when they marry or pair bond has the right to ask their mate be accepted into the family. if the relationship fails, they do not have the right to ask the family to expel the ex. period.

i stayed away from my ex's family starting on Dday because some of them knew and some of them didn't care what he was doing to us.

the OW pushed her way into all the holidays and events, including one wedding my daughter was actually in, as a brides maid. ow wore a see through dress up the aisle behind the bride,(said she was running late, right) and you could see her black thong underwear. my daughter fainted at the altar.

time goes by, i stay home and eat my hair trying to keep our kids in their fathers family, cuz it's important. the ex and the ow broke up.

my mil starts talking about what a great wife i was. the nephews say they miss my cooking. miss me.

things take time. don't give up.

no one has the right to say you're out of the family.
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Old 19th February 2019, 7:15 AM   #28
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As far as the op and the wedding goes I haven't heard of a wedding where children are invited in ages. Most times the bride doesn't want kids at her reception so read the invite carefully. are the kids merely invited to the wedding or to both the wedding and the reception? That's how i'd play this.

I'd say that i'm coming to the wedding but not the reception. That's the offer i made to my ex. since the wedding is very important to me, the bride, the dresses, seeing the couple take their vows, i'd rather be at the wedding. I don't drink and have no interest in seeing my ex's new wife, or my ex MIL so i would skip the reception.

When our oldest graduated. my ex did not bring the ow. he did bring granny and the great uncles. we gave them their tickets, which we secured. making sure my seat was in a different area; afterwards everyone got a picture, congratulations were exchanged and they all left for a celebratory lunch and i went home in a uber.

I'm sure the ex went to the hotel and picked up his now wife but it's not my business. i got what i wanted. to see the pomp and circumstance.Make some rules now is my point. there are going to be many milestone events in the future and you want to be part of them.

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Old 19th February 2019, 9:35 AM   #29
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If the invitation is open, just tell her the Ex won’t be attending. End of story.
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Old 20th February 2019, 9:16 AM   #30
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I think you should be careful how you handle things. If she's posting trash on social media, a restrained response is something to consider. In public relations and politics it's understood that a quick response is necessary to refute slander and false allegations. <snip>
Thanks for your advice. At this stage she isn't that bad. She has never overtly attempted to deny me access. She has, however, undermined me somewhat by stealth. This has, in my opinion, caused some friction between myself and my son. I'm managing though, at least for now.

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