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Narcissistic Mother in law


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Old 29th January 2019, 2:22 PM   #1
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Narcissistic Mother in law

Not going to give the huge back story, but my narcissistic mother in law
Isolated my father in law and told lies and stories to both sides of
The family so everyone would hate him. She ignored him and
Made him stay in a room upstairs in the house while she collected his retirement
Check and didn’t talk to him for five years.

My sister in law believes all the stories and also stopped talking to my
Father in law. They both basically made up reasons to stop
Talking so they wouldn’t need to help care for him as he
Aged. He suddenly passed 4 months ago and there
Was a falling out between my husband and his mom and
Sister because of my fils treatment for the last
Five years before he passed.

My husband has been going to therapy and wants
To establish a controlled relationship with boundaries
With his mother. He keeps writing and rewriting
Letters but overall his biggest concern is that she
Automatically thinks she “won” the fight if he contacted her first.
She seriously is the biggest baby and would do
Silent treatment to your face for years upon years.
Any suggestions on how to word a letter?
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Old 29th January 2019, 2:26 PM   #2
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To what end? Why does he want to contact her or hope to gain in contacting her?
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Old 29th January 2019, 2:30 PM   #3
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1. He feels like he would be a hypocrite to stop all contact over
an argument when he was mad about his mom
and sister for doing the same thing.

2. We have four children that had a very close relationship with her until this point.

3. My husband is Muslim and in Islam they say that heaven is at the feet of the mother. It’s basically a sin to disown your mom.

Last edited by Overit1999; 29th January 2019 at 2:35 PM..
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Old 29th January 2019, 3:44 PM   #4
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Yes, don't send it.

Your husband needed to stick up for his dad while the man was alive. Talking to mom now is a waste of energy.
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Old 29th January 2019, 3:53 PM   #5
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My husband did stick up for his dad while he was living.
It has been a constant battle ending in no contact his father’s passing.
I agree that I would move on, but was trying to help brainstorm
since my husband would like a relationship of some type.
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Old 29th January 2019, 4:18 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Overit1999 View Post
He keeps writing and rewriting Letters but overall his biggest concern is that she Automatically thinks she “won” the fight if he contacted her first.
Your husband needs to figure out how it can possibly be a 'win' for the other person, if he is the one taking the high road, living up to his personal values,
and doing what he feels is proper for peace and harmony.

He also needs to recognize that even if he does make proper/appropriate reconciliation overtures, they may not be accepted, or may be negatively judged, on the other side...but...
that says nothing at all about him and his worthiness and deservingness, and everything about them.

If he can properly and fully detach from if, how or when they are going to act and react, then he will feel free to just write whatever is in his heart.

Wishing all of you the best.
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:02 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Overit1999 View Post
My husband did stick up for his dad while he was living.
It has been a constant battle ending in no contact his father’s passing.
I agree that I would move on, but was trying to help brainstorm
since my husband would like a relationship of some type.
Then give it some more time. Let everybody cool down. Put a lot of distance in here for a while. Then revisit the subject in a year or two.
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Old 29th January 2019, 6:44 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Overit1999 View Post
My husband did stick up for his dad while he was living.
It has been a constant battle ending in no contact his father’s passing.
It sounds like your FIL was being abused. Did your H go to the authorities? Where were you while this was going on?

The current family matters seem trivial compared to what was going on before...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 29th January 2019, 7:08 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Overit1999 View Post
Any suggestions on how to word a letter?
Let him read this:
A Letter To My Mother | Muslim Girl


He could write the following:

Dear mom/mother,

I'm truly sorry about the disagreements we had. I want you to know I respect you and I value you.

I know that people's reactions can exacerbate, especially when we're put to the test, like with the passing of a loved one, my father (and your husband).

It is my intention to be a good son and I only want the best for us, in peace. Can we reach that goal together?

Love,

[son's name]
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Old 29th January 2019, 8:43 PM   #10
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Once again, religion taking precedence over reason. Were I your husband, I’d “sin” and tell mom to kiss my a**. I’d discuss it with God when I died. But that’s me.
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Old 2nd February 2019, 8:28 AM   #11
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Once again, religion taking precedence over reason. Were I your husband, I’d “sin” and tell mom to kiss my a**. I’d discuss it with God when I died. But that’s me.
I was about to post the same thing! Religion is so rigid and doesn't allow for 'extenuating circumstances' like this. If the account we are hearing about the mother's behavior is indeed accurate, then what sort of god is it which can't appreciate disownment of toxic family members?
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Old 2nd February 2019, 9:26 AM   #12
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Does your mil even respect your husband given the fact that he’s a man like his father was? Does his opinion even matter to her or to his sister?

I know she’s his mom but that was his dad. Creating a divide and making children pick a parent is wrong at any age.

For the letter, I’d write it as if it were coming from his father for all the things that have been left unsaid.
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