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Mother in law issues causing major problems with husband


TiffanyL

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Hi everyone,

 

So this is going to be a long post, bear with me. I have been married for 3 years and my husband's family lives in another state. We see them once or twice a year. I have noticed that his mom can be very overbearing, controlling and micromanaging. He mentioned that she has always been that way. There have been instances when we were visiting them that I felt annoyed by something she said or did that was too much, but we basically let it go because we rarely see them.

 

Fast forward to this Christmas. We visited them on our Christmas break and stayed at their house in a guest room for 10 days!! We did not have enough money to get a hotel so that was our only option. Spending so much time with them, I started to notice her overbearing nature much more. She wanted to spend every minute with us and I felt I had no privacy. I was excited to go home when the vacation was over because it was so much for me. She would question everything we did, even coming out to the car when we were going to make the long drive home and tell us that we packed everything wrong. That is just one example.

 

So now, let's go back to last year for a second. In the spring she mentioned to us that she wants to do a family vacation with a timeshare that they have. We didn't really think anything of it at the time, so we said sure that sounds great! We never really went into the details of the trip which was our mistake. But later down the road my husband and realized it would be too expensive and we were planning on telling her that we would not be able to go. But when we were visiting them on Christmas vacation she offered to pay for everything! We were so excited at that moment that we just said yes that would be great without really speaking privately about it.

 

After that conversation, we were talking about the dates and realized it would interfere with a business affair. So my husband asked her to wait to buy our plane tickets for two weeks until we could figure out if we could rearrange our schedule. She said ok and didn't mention anything else about it.

 

Now, as of yesterday, my husband received a text from his mom saying "I bought our plane tickets to land in your city and then we'll all fly to our destination together and I'm going to be getting your tickets now."

 

There was no asking or consideration, just basically saying I'm going to do this. He called her and said I told you to wait and she got mad and said she already booked the hotel. Basically, just a big lack of communication on all parties I think.

 

So after the vacation, we had with them, I got very overwhelmed with how she acted while we stayed with her and how she just disrespected our schedule in regards to the next vacation. I got so upset and began to tell my husband that there are no boundaries with her actions and that it's becoming a nightmare for me. My husband has never said anything to his mom about this and starts to feel very guilty. He did not take any of this well, feeling like I completely dislike his mom and got very defensive and mad. Basically, we had a big fight, where I just wanted to be heard and respected, but he just took it negatively, which I can see coming from his position.

 

So we finally agreed that he would talk to her about the trip and that we would like to be involved, not just told what we're doing. I also wrote down a few key points for him to mention about personal space because he tends to shut down when he has a difficult discussion with his mom because of her nature. So he did end up talking to his mom, but not to what I had expected. He only said that he wanted to pick a flight, nothing about setting a boundary for her.

 

Naturally, I was upset because I was hoping he would stick up to his mom so she would understand what she did was not ok. When he told me he never said anything along those lines, I got upset because I seem to be the only one bothered by it and I don't feel like he is taking me seriously. I tried to express that it is important to set boundaries he just responded with anger and told me that I should think about the way that I sound. He essentially took it as me saying I get my way or I am not going. He also said that I am putting him in a difficult situation by acting this way.

 

I am so completely bewildered that requesting a boundary line and a simple form of respect and privacy is over the top for him. We have never had this difficult of a disagreement before. We keep fighting and we're not seeing eye to eye. I also found out that the hotel they booked is a big suite that we all stay in together. I got very upset when he told me that because I would like privacy and he just got more angry with me saying that I was selfish.

 

I honestly have never had a problem like this before and I have no idea what to do. I am so frustrated that I would just like to say to my husband that if he won't attempt to understand me that it would better if he just went on the trip without me.

 

So now that I am done writing a novel, I would love to hear your thoughts, advice, tips. Should I just suck it up and stop saying anything about it? I don't know how to fix this. Thank you in advance!

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While I agree it would be better coming from her son, have you ever asked her to back off that you need a bit more privacy? If your husband is not up to the task of dealing with his mother, you may have to.

 

 

Don't pick a fight just politely say although you love her, you need some space. Establish times & barriers . . . don't come in our room without knocking, before X time in the morning or after Y time in the afternoon. Do take a romantic walk with DH every day just to get away from her. This once works wonders for getting alone time without upsetting MIL's feelings. I use it all the time.

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His mother has taught him that there’s no point in talking to her. It’s going to have to be you to be the one to do it. But you need to know that you’re right in the things you’ve pointed out. She’s inconsiderate. You can be polite when bringing those things up but she’s still likely to get pissed about it. I had a MIL who was pretty pushy with others in the family but she wasn’t that way with me. I think it was because she knew I wouldn’t have put up with it. We loved each other a great deal and even years later after her son and I divorced, we see one another occasionally. Mostly because I had a child with her son and I’m still fairly close to the family. The long and short of it is that you can’t let your anger build or let her control your lives. Also, learn to pick your battles and don’t let small things get on your nerves.

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Oh, and btw, I never talked to my husband about my complaints about his mother. That is always touchy territory. However his mom didn’t do things where my husband needed to defend me or us. Still, I’d suggest that you keep the mom talks with your husband to a minimum.

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I don't think you have to have a big talk with her, which will only make her mad and worse. But you do need to tell your husband that you are NOT spending more than three days with her at a time. If he wants to, let him go alone. Also tell him you are NOT planning your vacations with her. Maybe if they're a weekend, but nothing long and buy your own tickets.

 

Just tell him you are reserving right of refusal on a case-by-case basis and he better not agree to doing anything without talking to you first and that you WILL limit your time and do not plan on spending your precious vacation time just on them. Since he's not the type to stand up to his mother, that means he probably also won't stand up to you, so just tell him what I said about not agreeing to anything without asking you and forewarning him anything longer than a long weekend is too much.

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So now that I am done writing a novel, I would love to hear your thoughts, advice, tips. Should I just suck it up and stop saying anything about it? I don't know how to fix this. Thank you in advance!

 

Are there kids involved?

 

I'm going to give some dissenting advice. She lives in another state and, assuming you're smarter about vacation planning, you only see her once a year. You're not being waterboarded, you're simply experiencing time with someone YOU find unpleasant. You're husband obviously feels differently.

 

For his sake, smile pleasantly, nod every once in a while and suck it up. You can certainly limit your exposure with shorter trips (10 days is a long time even with someone you like!), a couple nights hotel and other strategies.

 

Otherwise, you put your spouse in a very difficult position. Just my $.02...

 

Mr. Lucky

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