divegrl Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Hi All! I hoping someone can help me out. My father came to visit over the holidays. From the beginning of the visit he treated both of my girls differently. The older one he spent much more quality time with and bought her extra toys. The younger one was on more then one occasion ignored by him. I bit my tongue during the visit, as I want each of my girls to have their own relationships with family members. However this morning, when we were going to the airport, both of my girls wanted to come. My dad declined and said he would only take the older one. At that moment I told my dad that was unfair. The next words out of his mouth shocked me. He said my older daughter is Cinderella and is beautiful. My younger daughter is a spoiled brat who needs to be medicated. I am pretty much speechless as this point. I honestly don’t know how to react. I would like to tell him that he is no longer to be involved in my life or my girls life. I am trying to compose an emotionally healthy response to his behavior. Do you have any advice? Is cutting him out of our lives an appropriate response? Thank you so much for your help! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 "It's inappropriate to talk about my children and your grandchildren like that. If you have reservations about the way they behave, I am happy to hear what you think they've been inadequate in. I care about my kids very much and want them to be their best as much as you do, but using insults is not acceptable in my household. If you want to discuss with me what you actually mean, lets have a talk. If you don't want to talk about it, I can stay out of your life until you do want to give me constructive feedback". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Does one of your girls act like a spoiled brat with mental problems? If so that might be the reason your dad treats them differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author divegrl Posted December 31, 2018 Author Share Posted December 31, 2018 Does one of your girls act like a spoiled brat with mental problems? If so that might be the reason your dad treats them differently. Hi! Thank you for your response. They are both kind, joyful, loving and compassionate. They enjoy great relationships with many other family members. All my family loves and adores both of them. This is why the comment by my father has taken me aback. I am very confused and hurt by his words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author divegrl Posted December 31, 2018 Author Share Posted December 31, 2018 "It's inappropriate to talk about my children and your grandchildren like that. If you have reservations about the way they behave, I am happy to hear what you think they've been inadequate in. I care about my kids very much and want them to be their best as much as you do, but using insults is not acceptable in my household. If you want to discuss with me what you actually mean, lets have a talk. If you don't want to talk about it, I can stay out of your life until you do want to give me constructive feedback". Hi! Wow this response is really great. Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I am giving myself a day to cool down; but will use your words when communicating with my father. Thank you so much my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Ask dad why he feels so differently about his grandchildren. Maybe he's losing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe-A Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Sadly, we do it in our family. You’re their mom so you see them as equals. My mother has her favorites. I like all of my 17 nieces and nephews except one. She really is a very spoiled and entitled girl. Dont get me wrong, we would give our lives for all of them, but it’s unpleasant to have that one niece around us. My mother prefers certain ones over the others based on events that ocurred prior to their birth. My dad is very relaxed and will not take the handful with him. He just can’t deal. And between sisters....I have 9, they will not baby sit each other’s kids because they know they are terrible or not used to listening. It’s a huge family and no one really is left out, but in your case, it’s easy to see this as the end of the world. To cut him off completely is extreme. He prefers the company of that one for his own reasons. You really can’t help it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 In the meantime it may be useful to brainstorm - is one of your kids a bit spoiled? Does she do things that make her entitled? After the anger has calmed down actually think about this question. If the brainstorming reveals something you find to be room for improvement, your kids will thank you for it down the road. No other peeps needed in the room, just you and your pen/ paper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 They are both kind, joyful, loving and compassionate. They enjoy great relationships with many other family members. All my family loves and adores both of them. How old is your youngest? If she's 3 for instance, that's a time of life when every child is self-centered and focused on only their needs. Your Dad may simply lack the "get down on the floor and play with her" skills needed to relate to a young child. Since you live with it every day, second nature to you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author divegrl Posted December 31, 2018 Author Share Posted December 31, 2018 How old is your youngest? If she's 3 for instance, that's a time of life when every child is self-centered and focused on only their needs. Your Dad may simply lack the "get down on the floor and play with her" skills needed to relate to a young child. Since you live with it every day, second nature to you... Mr. Lucky Hi!! After much reflection, I think this is exactly what is happening. My father is never around kids. He simply does not have the emotional intelligence when it comes to children. Thank you so much my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 You can't realistically ask a 3 year old to act womanly and carry herself like the Queen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author divegrl Posted December 31, 2018 Author Share Posted December 31, 2018 In the meantime it may be useful to brainstorm - is one of your kids a bit spoiled? Does she do things that make her entitled? After the anger has calmed down actually think about this question. If the brainstorming reveals something you find to be room for improvement, your kids will thank you for it down the road. No other peeps needed in the room, just you and your pen/ paper. Hi!!! Thank you so much for your response! I did a lot a reflection and I am implementing boundaries that come from a place of love and not anger. I am seeking to understand his point of view. I think his comments were more a reflection of himself rather than my girls. He lives thousands of miles away, so implementing boundaries is relatively simple. Thank you so much for your wisdom my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 At that moment I told my dad that was unfair. The next words out of his mouth shocked me. He said my older daughter is Cinderella and is beautiful. My younger daughter is a spoiled brat who needs to be medicated. Although I agree with what has been said related to their ages and his experience/comfort level with younger children... My own father being a prime example - he loves his grandchildren but forming a connection with them has been challening doe him and he is much more comfortable now that they are a little older... But, to hear those words come out of my father's mouth in relation to my own children - that would not go over well with me. I would never cut him out of my children's lives... But, I would be very clear that my expectation is that he is kind and respectful to both children. I would also try to always be present when they are together. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 ...My father is never around kids. He simply does not have the emotional intelligence when it comes to children...a rather odd way of putting it --- instead of patience. you understand some persons are not able to handle 3 year olds, especially one that is not usually around children. they have way too much energy and often directed in unpredictable ways, something an elder might have difficulty with. rather than trying to force a round peg (dad) into a square hole (child). allow him to work with the older one, someday the younger will be older, i would guess his views would change. nevertheless you were correct to object to his opinion of the younger one. and you might have to do it more, but like you would your own children - as a reminder. your terminology (bold above) and consideration of 'cutting him out' over this one instance leads me to believe there are other issues or you have same lack of patience he does. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 How old are your daughters? At that moment I told my dad that was unfair. The next words out of his mouth shocked me. He said my older daughter is Cinderella and is beautiful. My younger daughter is a spoiled brat who needs to be medicated. "Dad, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. And don't come back until you're ready to apologize and never say anything like that again about my children." He obviously has strong feelings and thoughts about your daughters and it's not good. How often does he see them? It's just awful that he said those word. Shame on him. You have every right to not want him around your girls and to be angry at him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author divegrl Posted January 2, 2019 Author Share Posted January 2, 2019 Although I agree with what has been said related to their ages and his experience/comfort level with younger children... My own father being a prime example - he loves his grandchildren but forming a connection with them has been challening doe him and he is much more comfortable now that they are a little older... But, to hear those words come out of my father's mouth in relation to my own children - that would not go over well with me. I would never cut him out of my children's lives... But, I would be very clear that my expectation is that he is kind and respectful to both children. I would also try to always be present when they are together. Hi Bailey! Yes I agree. I am still processing everything that has happened and determining which boundaries are appropriate. For the foreseeable future, my dad will not be staying with us. And we will schedule activities that I will be in attendance. I am really questioning his mental health due to several experiences during the visit. Thank you so much for your response. Have a beautiful day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author divegrl Posted January 2, 2019 Author Share Posted January 2, 2019 How old are your daughters? "Dad, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. And don't come back until you're ready to apologize and never say anything like that again about my children." He obviously has strong feelings and thoughts about your daughters and it's not good. How often does he see them? It's just awful that he said those word. Shame on him. You have every right to not want him around your girls and to be angry at him. Hi! For privacy reasons I willl not disclose their age, but they are both young. I actually wonder how long he has had this opinion? Was it something that developed during this trip; or has he held these beliefs for a long time and they are now just surfacing. I am actually still in shock over his words and it will take me a while to process. I just can’t believe he would say something like that about his own grandchildren. Thank you so much for your response. Have a beautiful day. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 I'm just going to say if the younger one is under 6, he probably just doesn't want to deal with all that energy. Maybe this is a sign that it's time to start teaching her when to be lowkey, like when she's in the presence of adults. My friend's girl is charming, but she was too much when younger. You couldn't have a conversation around her. She'd put herself in time out, so that's how seriously she took that. I've seen her ram her mom more than once. If she did that to me, I'd be on the floor. Now she's getting to a be an excellent young lady, with a few years on her. So I get it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 (edited) have a heart to heart with your dad maybe your dad sees the younger one as getting more attention because of course...she is younger....your dad sees the older one as cinderella....i was a bit like that with my younger sister......i would get all the jobs ...like dishes,raking grass...washing,transporting fallen fruit fly infested plums to the river by bucket that would take me all day..my sister would see a maggot and go inside and i would be left to do the whole job by myself....... i would have to get up at 600 am in the morning my sister didn't and my step dad was harsh on me because he was the oldest in his family with a younger brother.....and he parented the same way his father parented.....never took into consideration i was a soft hearted girl..... i love my younger sister but she did get away with things where i was taught to be a housemother to my younger sister.... my sister was treated differently to me.....and i was disciplined severely.....not saying this happens in your family but i know it to be more common than not.........younger children get away with quite a bit more.... just try and see what your dad sees by having a real heart to heart with patience and compassion that you wish he could have with your daughters......find out how his family life was.... his childhood and how he was raised...know your dad and understand him.....but most of all ....what i have to say.....is be forgiving......as forgiving as you wish him to be towards your younger daughter......im not at all saying what he said was right in what he said to you....not one bit........but i feel you need to understand his perspective by seeing through his eyes..there's always two sides two perspectives.......possibly more than two sides.....you wont know unless you have a heart to heart....i wish you well...deb Edited January 2, 2019 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Hi All! He said my older daughter is Cinderella and is beautiful. My younger daughter is a spoiled brat who needs to be medicated. can there be any truth in his statement? does your youngest need medicine, and what for? and that's just what i'd say to him. call him up and ask him why he thinks she's a spoiled brat? what does he see that he believes requires medication, for the love of god. he's entitled to his opinion. and when you talk to him, say just that. along with, "do not ever express your opinion of my children in front of them ever again. " just listen to what he has to say. ask for details and evidence. then thank him. lie and say you will consider his opinion and then remind him that in order to stay at your house he'd better keep his opinion to himself. remind him that the girls are sisters. that they love each other. that for the rest of their lives they will be each other's number one and that if the older daughter gets a wiff that her sister is not invited or left out on purpose, she will not go either. that she will never go and leave her sister out of anything, ever. then remind cinderella and mulan of that as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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