Healthy adult son and mother relationship?

[MollyJ89]

I need some help understanding what constitutes a healthy mother and adult son relationship. My husband is an only child and his mother was single for most of his childhood. She married when he was a teenager. He gets along with his step father but does not identify with him as his father. His own father died when he was 1 year old. My MIL frequently calls my husband to vent and complain. Sometimes about work, her marriage, her family, work, traffic, anything and everything. She calls at least once a day, often at night when I’m spending one on one time with him. We have an 8 month old daughter so our time together each night is only about an hour or 90 minutes at most. My husbands step father frequently vents to him too, often pulling him aside at gatherings to complain about his mother. My in laws live about 30 minutes away but aren’t very hands on when it comes to our daughter. They don’t know how to interact with children in any capacity and so all visits need to be monitored by someone bc they will make unsafe choices or choices that don’t go with our parenting style. (Putting baby somewhere unsafe, plopping daughter in front of tv when we don’t expose her tomtv yet, etc.) We visit and offer for them to visit to build a relationship and never rely on them for care.

 

My MIL frequently pushes to invite herself over during the busy work week and insists on seeing us each and every weekend for hours. I have tried to compromise but I’m starting to feel resentful of this. Each visit is filled with me catering to their wants and keeping my daughter happy for a nice visit.

 

My husband is very different from his mother in that she unorganized and unfocused and he plans things carefully and chooses his actions and words deliberately. He has identified this and I have voiced my fatigue at the constant calls and visits. He has acknowledged this but my MIL continues to push, even when pushed back on.

 

As I said, I’m starting to dread their visits and resent the fact that they both use my husband as some sort of therapist. I feel like it’s not a positive dynamic to call and complain to your child (even your adult child) especially now when we have a very full plate. But perhaps this is normal / healthy and I’m confused. Can anyone help me understand what is healthy in terms of a mother and adult son relationship?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think any of this is unhealthy but he does draw boundaries differently then you do. He does need to separate from his family of origin more then he has. See if you can get him to talk to his mother during his commute when it doesn't take away from his time with you. Buy him a blue tooth for Christmas as a hint. Get him to curtail the weekend visits. With the holidays you will have to suck it up but come January maybe once per month or whatever you are comfortable with.

[Wallysbears]

<snip>

As I said, I’m starting to dread their visits and resent the fact that they both use my husband as some sort of therapist. I feel like it’s not a positive dynamic to call and complain to your child (even your adult child) especially now when we have a very full plate. But perhaps this is normal / healthy and I’m confused. Can anyone help me understand what is healthy in terms of a mother and adult son relationship?

 

How is your husband with appropriate boundaries with people other than his mother?

 

Because it sounds as though he doesn't have appropriate boundaries with his mother and step father.

 

The parents will only do what HE allows them to do. If he would be more firm about what is/isn't appropriate, they would follow.

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[amaysngrace]

Totally abnormal. I can see how that dynamic can form given their circumstances of only having each other for a time but you are his main family now.

 

She’s overstepping boundaries that a healthier person would recognize and avoid.

 

Would you all consider family counseling? She may go if it’s an ultimatum.

[MollyJ89]

I don't think any of this is unhealthy but he does draw boundaries differently then you do. He does need to separate from his family of origin more then he has. See if you can get him to talk to his mother during his commute when it doesn't take away from his time with you. Buy him a blue tooth for Christmas as a hint. Get him to curtail the weekend visits. With the holidays you will have to suck it up but come January maybe once per month or whatever you are comfortable with.

Thank you! He does have a nice blue tooth and the commute time might be ok to talk but he’s often on a busy subway train. But perhaps on the walk home from the subway. I would like to reduce the visits to every other week but he feels like that’s not enough for them to ‘know’ our daughter. Maybe we can devise a compromise of some kind. Thank you for your thoughts!

[MollyJ89]

How is your husband with appropriate boundaries with people other than his mother?

 

Because it sounds as though he doesn't have appropriate boundaries with his mother and step father.

 

The parents will only do what HE allows them to do. If he would be more firm about what is/isn't appropriate, they would follow.

I have such a hard time identifying what constitutes an appropriate boundary bc my family is very large and we give each other a lot of space. He does seperate work and home life well and manages friendships with what I feel are healthy boundaries. I have expressed that I don’t think it’s normal for parents to rely on their children for venting purposes but he just wants to be there for them. Then I feel like the bad guy because I’m basically saying it’s not normal when he obviously believes it is.

 

He has pushed back on a few things such as my mother in law not buying inappropriate toys for the baby and sometimes she complied but sometimes she ‘forgets’ and it just feels like I’m always complaining about her. Maybe you are right, I need to ask him to be more firm in the boundaries. Thank you so much for your thoughts!

[MollyJ89]

Totally abnormal. I can see how that dynamic can form given their circumstances of only having each other for a time but you are his main family now.

 

She’s overstepping boundaries that a healthier person would recognize and avoid.

 

Would you all consider family counseling? She may go if it’s an ultimatum.

Thank you for your response. I also feel like she possibly knows she’s overstepping but I also feel as if she might just think they are very close and it is normal. I agree, I can easily see how it formed but I would like him to put us first. I think she might go to family counseling, that is a good idea. Thank you!

[Whoknew30]

Honestly, in my family, you’d be a nightmare. It’s grandparents “they can’t put her in front of the tv” that statement tells you’re a nitpicker that doesn’t have the same closeness to your family & doesn’t realize your husband is the direct product of what his mother made him...which he sounds more loving towards family & easy going than yourself.

 

Anyone that thinks it’s abnormal is someone that doesn’t come from a close family. You’re already complaining about your kid seeing tv, can you imagine how overbearing you already are but are stewing about the close relationship of another child & mother...if you look hard enough for a problem, you’ll find one.

 

Would your rather have him in a bar or out with friends? The poor guy is keeping his ties to his original family. You’ll see when you have grown kids how important it is to teach them that, more than tv time.

[MollyJ89]

I think it’s ok to say no TV at 8 months old. If they want her to be in front of a TV they don’t need to be there. Our idea is that social visits should be about spending time interacting not staring at a screen. I’m not sorry for that. It’s our job as parents to make those rules. And my husband isn’t a child so....not sure what you’re commenting on about judging another mother and child. I’ve never posted here...

 

Im going to hedge a guess that you’re a grandparent? Maybe one that doesn’t always follow the parenting wishes of your children?

[MollyJ89]

Seems like vast consensus is that this is abnormal and well within my right to put my foot down. Thanks everyone!

[Mr. Lucky]

I would like to reduce the visits to every other week but he feels like that’s not enough for them to ‘know’ our daughter. Maybe we can devise a compromise of some kind. Thank you for your thoughts!

 

That's an easy one. Every other week, Dad takes her to visit Grandma while Mom gets some down time ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MollyJ89]

Love this, thank you!

[Whoknew30]

I think it’s ok to say no TV at 8 months old. If they want her to be in front of a TV they don’t need to be there. Our idea is that social visits should be about spending time interacting not staring at a screen. I’m not sorry for that. It’s our job as parents to make those rules. And my husband isn’t a child so....not sure what you’re commenting on about judging another mother and child. I’ve never posted here...

 

Im going to hedge a guess that you’re a grandparent? Maybe one that doesn’t always follow the parenting wishes of your children?

 

You’re judging your husband’s & MIL relationship...that was part of my point. “What I do as a parent is right but my MIL’s way with her son is wrong”. I’m just pointing out that it’s too each is own in any family. You evidently get defensive when someone has a different opinion of your mothering style but yours is “right” or “normal”? . It doesn’t matter the age, a mother & child is always going to be mother & child.

 

No I’m not a grandparent but have an adult daughter & we’re extremely close, I’m extremely close to my family, I see my parents everyday. We vent to each other, my husband even vents to them. Although when I am a grandparent, I probably won’t follow exact rules bc I already proved my worth as a parent raising my daughter & id be extremely disappointed if whoever she marries forgets that & or doesn’t respect it.

[MollyJ89]

Well I do hope you change your mind and follow her parenting wishes if she ever has a baby. Grandparents aren’t in charge of making the rules or decisions about how to raise a child but they do need to follow them. I apologize if I sounded defensive but you were in fact asking me to defend a very basic rule that we have about screens and our infant daughter. One that my husband and I agreed upon together as with all our rules and one that he actually feels pretty passionate about.

 

It is my understanding that there are basic tenants that can help identify and define healthy family dynamics and boundaries within the context of adult relationships. This feels like it pushes those boundaries and it sounds like this notion was generally confirmed here.

[amaysngrace]

Honestly, in my family, you’d be a nightmare. It’s grandparents “they can’t put her in front of the tv” that statement tells you’re a nitpicker that doesn’t have the same closeness to your family & doesn’t realize your husband is the direct product of what his mother made him...which he sounds more loving towards family & easy going than yourself.

 

Anyone that thinks it’s abnormal is someone that doesn’t come from a close family. You’re already complaining about your kid seeing tv, can you imagine how overbearing you already are but are stewing about the close relationship of another child & mother...if you look hard enough for a problem, you’ll find one.

 

Would your rather have him in a bar or out with friends? The poor guy is keeping his ties to his original family. You’ll see when you have grown kids how important it is to teach them that, more than tv time.

 

You thinks it’s normal that each of them vent about the other to this man? Really??

 

You also think it’s normal to place a child of eight months in front of the TV? I come from a very close and loving family, thanks, and when I have a grand baby I can tell you where that infant will be...in my arms or on my lap getting my undivided attention.

 

TVs and radiation exposure or being rocked and sung to??? Hmmm...tough call...

[Whoknew30]

Well I do hope you change your mind and follow her parenting wishes if she ever has a baby. Grandparents aren’t in charge of making the rules or decisions about how to raise a child but they do need to follow them. I apologize if I sounded defensive but you were in fact asking me to defend a very basic rule that we have about screens and our infant daughter. One that my husband and I agreed upon together as with all our rules and one that he actually feels pretty passionate about.

<snip>

 

[]

 

Grandparents aren’t supposed to have the same relationship with their grandchildren as their parents. New parentss forget that. I’m supposed to let my grandkids stay up, eat too much candy, let them watch more th then they should bc that’s what grandparents do, spoil. When I die, I want my grandkids to remember how good to them I was & how I loved them unconditionally. It’s different with your children that you have to raise & show displine to...grandparents are the fun anti parents. My daughter has a unbelievabley close relationship to all her grandparents which I love.

 

Look your mil calls once a day & comes in the weekends...it’s not exactly toxic horrible stuff. They are all adults, I personlly think it’s a lot more overbearing of a wife/woman to tell her husband that’s a grown man, how long he should talk to another adult & what their conversations should be. Would you like that as a adult woman? Who’s over stepping adult boundaries?

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and merge partial posts.

[Whoknew30]

You thinks it’s normal that each of them vent about the other to this man? Really??

 

You also think it’s normal to place a child of eight months in front of the TV? I come from a very close and loving family, thanks, and when I have a grand baby I can tell you where that infant will be...in my arms or on my lap getting my undivided attention.

 

TVs and radiation exposure or being rocked and sung to??? Hmmm...tough call...

 

My parents, all my friend’s parents, all vent to us adult kids about each other! & vice versa. I’ve sat with my friend’s parents when they’re venting about each other. We’re all married adults, that’s a beautiful thing in life when we see our parents as not just parents but also adults that have similar issues. I could never really have truly understood my mom as a woman until I became a wife & mother myself.

 

I think it’s weird a adult parent that couldn’t vent to their adult...how close could you be if you only talk to adult kids like their still actual kids.

[amaysngrace]

The mom is the one overstepping boundaries by monopolizing all of his family time. She calls every day? I didn’t realize that. It’s worse than I thought.

 

Good moms know their place changes when a son gets married. She’s no longer the most important woman in his life, and his mom needs to accept that.

[amaysngrace]

I think it’s weird a adult parent that couldn’t vent to their adult...how close could you be if you only talk to adult kids like their still actual kids.

 

Yea I think if you have a beef with someone you take it up with them...but that’s just me.

[MollyJ89]

I think it’s inappropriate that they use my husband as a venting board so frequently. I think neither should involve him in their marital issues. After these talks he’s often stressed out and tired. I am glad that he respects his mother but I have to agree with the others that posted here, this is pushing it.

 

Honestly I don’t bad mouth/vent about my spouse to them (or really anyone in our lives) because I do try to talk to him directly. The thought of me telling my daughter my personal feelings all about her father’s failings and complaining about him daily to her makes me feel uncomfortable, even if she was an adult.

 

I never said she was toxic, I’m just seeing what others find normal in a healthy adult dynamic. Obviously to most her daily demands seem extreme.

[MollyJ89]

The mom is the one overstepping boundaries by monopolizing all of his family time. She calls every day? I didn’t realize that. It’s worse than I thought.

 

Good moms know their place changes when a son gets married. She’s no longer the most important woman in his life, and his mom needs to accept that.

At least every day. Sometimes they talk more than once. I do think that maybe she’s having a hard time realizing that we are his new priority. She even joined our very small Facebook neighborhood board and comments on it. She doesn’t live here. I think we all need a little space.

[MollyJ89]

My response wasn’t posted right.

 

Grandparents aren’t supposed to have the same relationship with their grandchildren as their parents. New parentss forget that. I’m supposed to let my grandkids stay up, eat too much candy, let them watch more th then they should bc that’s what grandparents do, spoil. When I die, I want my grandkids to remember how good to them I was & how I loved them unconditionally. It’s different with your children that you have to raise & show displine to...grandparents are the fun anti parents. My daughter has a unbelievabley close relationship to all her grandparents which I love.

 

Look your mil calls once a day & comes in the weekends...it’s not exactly toxic horrible stuff. They are all adults, I personlly think it’s a lot more overbearing of a wife/woman to tell her husband that’s a grown man, how long he should talk to another adult & what their conversations should be. Would you like that as a adult woman? Who’s over stepping adult boundaries?

It sounds like you and I have very different understandings of the role of grandparents. My daughter’s grandparents will serve as extensions of our family culture. That means she can expect the same general rules and expectations no matter where she is within her family. Children need consistency. In our home grandparents are free to love her and support her but not blatantly ignore rules with her to satisfy some selfish indulgence to give her instant gratification. That’s not really doing what’s best for her and her needs should come before adult wants. This is not something we ‘forget’ but rather something we endeavor to enforce. Real love comes from quality time doing fun activities not ‘spoiling them with candy’

 

The fact that you think grandparents should be the ‘anti parent’ tells me that you fully intend to and look forward to opposing and fighting your daughter’s parenting attempts just to bring yourself some joy. In recognizing this, I think your opinion has been very helpful as it shows me a lot about how someone with that mindset would process this situation. So thank you!

[amaysngrace]

At least every day. Sometimes they talk more than once. I do think that maybe she’s having a hard time realizing that we are his new priority. She even joined our very small Facebook neighborhood board and comments on it. She doesn’t live here. I think we all need a little space.

 

It’s totally understandable.

 

Do you know what I’d ask him to do? Post up a picture of you on FB with the words “most important woman in my life ❤️

 

I was thinking that very thing about how stressed I’d be if I were stuck in the middle of them complaining about the other at what should be an enjoyable time especially if it happens often. He needs to get vocal about it though and tell them to stop because as long as he allows it they’re going to keep thinking it’s okay with him.

 

I give you credit, it sounds like you have your hands full.

[MollyJ89]

It’s totally understandable.

 

Do you know what I’d ask him to do? Post up a picture of you on FB with the words “most important woman in my life ❤️

 

I was thinking that very thing about how stressed I’d be if I were stuck in the middle of them complaining about the other at what should be an enjoyable time especially if it happens often. He needs to get vocal about it though and tell them to stop because as long as he allows it they’re going to keep thinking it’s okay with him.

 

I give you credit, it sounds like you have your hands full.

That’s a very good idea. He doesn’t have Facebook but maybe I can think of a similar platform. He does need to tell them to stop and if they continue he needs to stop the conversation. And thank you! I’m trying to find a road forward where everyone can be in her life in a healthy way.

[Whoknew30]

It sounds like you and I have very different understandings of the role of grandparents. My daughter’s grandparents will serve as extensions of our family culture. That means she can expect the same general rules and expectations no matter where she is within her family. Children need consistency. In our home grandparents are free to love her and support her but not blatantly ignore rules with her to satisfy some selfish indulgence to give her instant gratification. That’s not really doing what’s best for her and her needs should come before adult wants. This is not something we ‘forget’ but rather something we endeavor to enforce. Real love comes from quality time doing fun activities not ‘spoiling them with candy’

 

The fact that you think grandparents should be the ‘anti parent’ tells me that you fully intend to and look forward to opposing and fighting your daughter’s parenting attempts just to bring yourself some joy. In recognizing this, I think your opinion has been very helpful as it shows me a lot about how someone with that mindset would process this situation. So thank you!

 

If you read, I’ve already done this. My daughter is a straight A, on her way to be a military officer in college, two jobs & has more money in the bank than most adults I know & she’s done it on her own & it’s bc of the love of her family & making her e felt love all the time...not focused on the crap that society says. So I’ve already proved i can raise a kid into a fully responsible adult...did I mention I was The head of PTA, her girl scout leader for 7 years, headroom mom, in charge of youth church sports, commissioner of her softball league (while her dad & grandfather coached for 10 years) head of church vacation school & Sunday school teacher...I have a ton experience not with just kids but hundreds of parents.

 

Look I come From an extremely close family, my friends are extremely close to theirs family’s too...none of us come from divorce. Only my husband & said he loved how close we were & is one of the things he sell in love with.

 

If i was a betting woman I’d bet you come from divorce & so do a lot of people you know. Those aren’t the people to listen to & im going to tell you why. People that come from broken families, especially women. Set such a unrealistic goal of what is “right”, most that don’t come from a broken home realize there is no right or wrong, it’s about what just works.

 

Men usually don’t like their wives treating them like children. Your MIL is treating her son like an adult & you want to treat him like a kid. Like I sais It doesn’t matter what you think, he’s an adult & doesn’t need you telling him what conversations he can have with his mom. If after only having a 8 month baby this has started, it’s not going to stop.

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator