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My mom treats me like an ATM


SweetCharity

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Around August I moved back in with my mom after separating with my husband. I have my own room and she doesn't fuss at me... that much. I'm drowning in debt so I can't really move out on my own. I've also had horrendous experiences with roommates so... the devil you know amirite?

 

The biggest problem is she's always guilt tripping me about how I spend my money and how much I give her. I give her $200 the second to last week of the month and another $200 the last week of the month. I get paid weekly so depending on my budget I'll give her $50 - $100 in between. So that's about $500-$700 a month on terms of living expenses. She doesn't work and my sisters and I give her what we can because she's sacrificed for us. It's only fair.

 

BUT lately it's like I'm not giving her enough. She has a cockroach infestation and refused to tell the landlord because "I'm not supposed to be living there." I called Orkin and ponied up $120 for the initial visit. After that it's going to be $75 bimonthly for 6 months. I tell her I can't give her money that week because I wanted to buy presents for my nephews and niece. She said ok. The day comes and she's guilt tripping me about how could I not give my mother money. That she needs groceries. I tell her we already discussed this and she said no one told me to hire Pest Control. BUT IT NEEDED TO BE DONE. THE KITCHEN WAS DISGUSTING. I'm notorious for being stingy with money so I ponied up $50 because I didn't want to hear about it later from everyone in the family.

 

This past week same thing happened. I told her I was getting braces put in because a low cost option popped up. I also had a car payment. I handed her $60 and she scowls at me and says why am I giving her so little? I tell her I have been trying to do Christmas shopping for the past month and really need to get it done. She refuses the money and acts like a martyr.

 

I find out from my sister that my mom is two months late for the electric bill and told her she's been asking me for money for weeks. I'm floored. If she had been direct from the start I would have postponed the braces and paid the electric bill. But she didn't communicate to me. She actually praised me for getting braces and "finally using my money on things I need." Now she's turning around and acting like I'm squandering my money.

 

Honestly I'm exhausted. My mother knows I give her $400 at the end of the month no matter what. Yet heaven forbid I spend any money that isn't a bill or for her. I'm hemmoraging money everytime something "pops up." And heaven forbid I say no. My bills are only going to get worse next year.

 

And she's doing the same thing to my other sisters. Told my younger sister, who has a baby, that she needs to give our cousin $300 for some reason or other. My sister can't do christmas shopping now either. Our mother won't even be here. She's traveling to Seattle to be with our other sister who is pregnant and gives her $1000 a month. Who knows what will happen once the baby comes?

 

I'm angry at my mother. She's my mother and I love her but I feel like an ATM at times. I'm not a psychic. I know she's gaslighting me. And she doesn't exactly spend her money wisely so why should her daughters pick up the slack? I fully support the idea that children take care of their parents at a certain age but there has to be a line somewhere.

 

Thoughts?

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Have a family meeting with mom about money. Make a budget for her.

 

Unless your mother is on some type of gov't program that funds her housing. rent doesn't change depending on the # of people who live there. If it's a 2 BR apartment the rent is the same whether somebody lives alone, 2 people live there or 4. You need to stop paying for the pest control; it's the landlord's responsibility. When your other family is there do a deep clean then all of you take some more control over mom's finances if she's that bad with money.

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Maybe you and your sister should start looking for a place together because it may end up being cheaper and without all the agg.

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Have a family meeting with mom about money. Make a budget for her.

 

Unless your mother is on some type of gov't program that funds her housing. rent doesn't change depending on the # of people who live there. If it's a 2 BR apartment the rent is the same whether somebody lives alone, 2 people live there or 4. You need to stop paying for the pest control; it's the landlord's responsibility. When your other family is there do a deep clean then all of you take some more control over mom's finances if she's that bad with money.

 

She's actually on affordable housing since my youngest sister is 11 and my mom doesn't work. Hence why she doesn't want to rock the boat with the landlord. It's not the first time I've had to step in with pest control. I know it's his responsibility but I don't know how else to get through to my mom.

 

My sisters are going to talk to her but she's like a wall sometimes. My mom doesn't want to hear what she doesn't want to hear.

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Since it is affordable housing I agree you need to hush & lay low while you are living there illegally. Do not overstay your welcome lest she & your little sister get evicted. Once you are out, if while you are back visiting you see bugs contact the landlord & whatever agency pays the rent. Also speak to legal services. Your mother & sister are entitled to "habitable" housing -- heat, hot water & meaningful pest control\l.

 

Do have your other sister over & do a budget for mom. Also do a big deep clean; involve little sister too.

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Maybe you and your sister should start looking for a place together because it may end up being cheaper and without all the agg.

 

My sister lives with her fiance and baby. They have an extra room but I don't want to impose. My other sister has two young sons and isn't the most reliable. My best bet would be a studio but I have a lot of bad memories from the last time I lived alone. I might have to take that leap. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

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My sister lives with her fiance and baby. They have an extra room but I don't want to impose. My other sister has two young sons and isn't the most reliable. My best bet would be a studio but I have a lot of bad memories from the last time I lived alone. I might have to take that leap. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

If you take the extra rooms from your sister, trade it for child care but have a plan to get out in 90-180 days.

 

The rock & the hard place I assume are your need for housing vs the debt from the divorce. So what's your plan to manage your finances & earn more money? If you can get your own affairs on track with a budget that includes savings for the future, you can find your way out. You don't have to share the specifics with us but do start reading about thriftiness, penny pinching, investing, saving & 2nd jobs, especially passive income if that is even possible

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Since it is affordable housing I agree you need to hush & lay low while you are living there illegally. Do not overstay your welcome lest she & your little sister get evicted. Once you are out, if while you are back visiting you see bugs contact the landlord & whatever agency pays the rent. Also speak to legal services. Your mother & sister are entitled to "habitable" housing -- heat, hot water & meaningful pest control\l.

 

Do have your other sister over & do a budget for mom. Also do a big deep clean; involve little sister too.

 

Yeah, I don't think it's unreasonable to want a house that isn't crawling with roaches. And this isn't even the first time this has happened. I've had to hire Pest control years ago for my mother's other place. The landlord reimbursed the money for one payment but she took it without telling me.

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So both of your sisters who have children of their own and don’t even live there give your mom money every month???

 

WTH?

 

Yes you need to leave asap. It sounds toxic to your well-being..

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If you take the extra rooms from your sister, trade it for child care but have a plan to get out in 90-180 days.

 

The rock & the hard place I assume are your need for housing vs the debt from the divorce. So what's your plan to manage your finances & earn more money? If you can get your own affairs on track with a budget that includes savings for the future, you can find your way out. You don't have to share the specifics with us but do start reading about thriftiness, penny pinching, investing, saving & 2nd jobs, especially passive income if that is even possible

 

Yeah. I'm already trying to figure out my budget for next year. The problem is I'm going to have more bills and even more debt. I owe taxes too. I'm trying to not get overwhelmed. I'm not even thinking of divorce right now. I can't afford it but I am going to pinch my pennies.

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So both of your sisters who have children of their own and don’t even live there give your mom money every month???

 

WTH?

 

Yes you need to leave asap. It sounds toxic to your well-being..

 

There's alot about my mom that's toxic to me but at the end of the day I'd be homeless/dead if it wasn't for her. It is true that I need to get out though. Our relationship is better when we don't live together.

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No offense but your mom is making me angry right now. She’s putting her needs before those of her children and even her grandchildren.

 

That’s like the total opposite of being a mom.

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There's alot about my mom that's toxic to me but at the end of the day I'd be homeless/dead if it wasn't for her.

 

We’d all be dead without our mom. That’s just a given. I would stop putting a whole lot of weight into that if I were you.

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No offense but your mom is making me angry right now. She’s putting her needs before those of her children and even her grandchildren.

 

That’s like the total opposite of being a mom.

 

She's a complicated woman. On the one hand she'll buy us a ton of groceries and cook for us. On the other she'll take my sister's car to the repair shop without asking her first then spring it on her that she needs to pay her back by giving our cousin $300. She would hit us pretty badly when we were children but now completely denies it. I have so many daddy issues already I kind of just block this one out.

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We’d all be dead without our mom. That’s just a given. I would stop putting a whole lot of weight into that if I were you.

 

Lol, I meant that I was living alone in Orlando with a drinking problem, barely any money and suicidal thoughts. I reached out to my mom for help and she allowed me to come back home. It saved my life.

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Lol, I meant that I was living alone in Orlando with a drinking problem, barely any money and suicidal thoughts. I reached out to my mom for help and she allowed me to come back home. It saved my life.

 

What caused you to drink? All those repressed memories?

 

She makes me so mad.

Edited by amaysngrace
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We’d all be dead without our mom. That’s just a given. I would stop putting a whole lot of weight into that if I were you.

 

What caused you to drink?

 

Mostly loneliness and depression. I tried to get away from my mom because she was too controlling but it backfired. I just couldn't seem to get my ish together. Drinking was the only thing that made me "happy." But I was 89 lbs, barely eating, barely staying awake and living in a studio with mold and a propane tank. I felt so alone. I couldnt hold down a boyfriend or even a friend. I couldn't find a job that paid more than $8 per hour. I had a bachelor's degree but no prospects or hope. I was slowly dying one way or the other. My mom saved me. My sisters did.

 

Lol, she still makes me so mad though.

Edited by SweetCharity
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She did what she was suppose to do for you. That doesn’t mean you’re indebted to her forever though.

 

It’s sounds co-dependent or something, I don’t know. I’m not a counselor.

 

Have you been to counseling for the abuse she’s done? Is there a near-by women’s shelter you can check into and receive counseling from them? It may all be free.

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You have a bachelors degree, suffer from depression & have a possible drinking problem. First things first.

 

Seriously, clean clean clean. It will help wit the bugs & Florida bugs are huge. OMG. I have freaked when encountering those things.

 

Second, get your resume together. Polish it up. Start applying everywhere. If you are unemployed or under employed right this minute your job is to get a better job. Once you start working by the 2nd month 10% of your take home pay goes into untouchable savings. Don't even connect that account to an ATM. It's for your future.

 

Third while you are interviewing make a budget . . .a real one. Track every penny -- every latte, every bill, every dollar to dear old mom. Then you know what you are working with & where you can cut.

 

Talk to the IRS. They will work with you . . .payment plans, tax amnesty etc. There are applications if all this tax liability is through something your EX did like not pay.

 

You will get through this. Mom is a temporary port in a storm. You can get through this but you need to have a time frame to get out.

 

If you got sober without help, try going to an AA meeting. Do things to treat your depression -- eat right, get enough sleep, exercise, think about things for which you are grateful.

 

Hang in there.

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You have a bachelors degree, suffer from depression & have a possible drinking problem. First things first.

 

Second, get your resume together. Polish it up. Start applying everywhere. If you are unemployed or under employed right this minute your job is to get a better job. Once you start working by the 2nd month 10% of your take home pay goes into untouchable savings. Don't even connect that account to an ATM. It's for your future.

 

Third while you are interviewing make a budget . . .a real one. Track every penny -- every latte, every bill, every dollar to dear old mom. Then you know what you are working with & where you can cut.

 

<SNIP>

 

Thank you! My job is actually paying me pretty well for the work I'm doing but I'm in alot of debt for my past mistakes. The tax situation definitely got messier since I got married but l'll see what I can do. I'm actually going to NA because AA creeped me out.

 

I'll definitely take all your advice to heart and am actually implementing a lot of it. :)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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She did what she was suppose to do for you. That doesn’t mean you’re indebted to her forever though.

 

It’s sounds co-dependent or something, I don’t know. I’m not a counselor.

 

Have you been to counseling for the abuse she’s done? Is there a near-by women’s shelter you can check into and receive counseling from them? It may all be free.

 

I'm actually seeing a low cost trauma therapist. We're covering the dad stuff first but I think it's time I bring up the mom stuff.

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Best wishes. Tackling some of the more practical issues can help with the emotional ones because you get a track record of success behind you.

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Does your mom have monthly income? Pension or social security?

 

She's trying to get disability because she can't move around without experiencing a lot of pain. It's a long process though and she still hasn't been diagnosed. Regardless we'd still be giving her money. That's just the way it is in our family.

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Best wishes. Tackling some of the more practical issues can help with the emotional ones because you get a track record of success behind you.

 

Thank you. I'm trying to get into the mindset. It's just overwhelming at times, especially when my mom throws these curveballs.

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