How do you deal with an absent parent?

[yellowhibiscus]

Long story short- I have a father who has been absent in my life for the past 20 years. He recently contacted me because he became engaged for the 4th time (lol) and wants me to come down with my son to his wedding. I messaged him and basically told him that he has basically abandoned my brother and I for the past 20 years and has done very little to have a relationship with us, so I didn't feel obligated to attend his wedding. I have a lot of hurt feelings inside and honestly would not be happy going.

 

Since that conversation, he has reached out a few times to check in on me but its very brief. This last time I explained to him how I was not in the christmas spirit because of my son's unexpected and large medical bills. His response- "are you going to get a second job" and "you should ask your boss for a raise". Not "How can I help you?" or "What can I do for you". It's this same feeling I get from him that he really just doesn't care about us. He has done nothing to try to have a relationship with us so I feel like I shouldn't try to have a relationship with him. All in all, it is very confusing and painful.

 

What would you do in this situation? Would you go to the wedding? I feel like it's not even worth it anymore and I should just cut him out completely. But that also makes me feel pretty sad, too.

[amaysngrace]

He probably wants you there to help convince his next victim (wife) what a great guy he is.

 

She’ll learn the truth about him soon enough though.

 

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it either. Do you even know her? Does he even know your son?

[Mr. Lucky]

What would you do in this situation? Would you go to the wedding? I feel like it's not even worth it anymore and I should just cut him out completely. But that also makes me feel pretty sad, too.

 

Absolutely wouldn't go. It wouldn't be fun, you won't know the principals involved (Dad included) and would have very little to contribute.

 

Plus it would be a financial burden when you have other priorities...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CC12]

He probably wants you there to help convince his next victim (wife) what a great guy he is.

 

This is kind of what I was thinking. You hear about this a lot, either where a guy wants to look good for the new girlfriend/fiancee/wife, or where she encourages him to not be a piece of **** and to have good relationships with his children. And, you know, her heart is in the right place because it sounds good on paper to have good relationships with your own offspring, but it usually just drags the kids into something they don't want or need to be involved in.

 

If you choose to not to get involved, I think that's more than okay. He doesn't seem to be going at this in the right way, and even if he did everything perfectly, you'd still be entitled to take a lot of time to think about whether you want him around or not.

 

So, I would not go to the wedding, but I would also probably not cut him out completely. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Unless, of course, your dad is saying "Come to my wedding, or we'll never speak again" in which case, he's made it so super easy for you to be like, "Okay, that's your choice."

[yellowhibiscus]

He probably wants you there to help convince his next victim (wife) what a great guy he is.

 

She’ll learn the truth about him soon enough though.

 

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it either. Do you even know her? Does he even know your son?

 

Yes, my feelings exactly! I always wonder though, isn't it a red flag to her that her future husband has two children that he doesn't speak to?

 

He doesn't know my son. He has had very little interaction with him. My son doesn't ever ask about him or really care whether he is in our lives or not.

[yellowhibiscus]

Absolutely wouldn't go. It wouldn't be fun, you won't know the principals involved (Dad included) and would have very little to contribute.

 

Plus it would be a financial burden when you have other priorities...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you- those are my feelings exactly. I would actually feel pretty bitter about it and have a horrible time.

[amaysngrace]

I always wonder though, isn't it a red flag to her that her future husband has two children that he doesn't speak to?

 

 

Plus a trail of failed marriages left behind him...

 

It’s a shame really but it kinda tells you the mentality of this person he is marrying. Zero insight, no self worth and so easily charmed by “I Love You”s that mean virtually nothing.

 

It really tells you how broken she is.

[stillafool]

Yes, my feelings exactly! I always wonder though, isn't it a red flag to her that her future husband has two children that he doesn't speak to?

 

He doesn't know my son. He has had very little interaction with him. My son doesn't ever ask about him or really care whether he is in our lives or not.

 

TBH, she probably doesn't care because she doesn't have to deal with his children. She may have her own and wants his attention on them.

 

I think you handled your father well and no I don't think you should spend the money to go but spend it on your son.

[preraph]

He's just inviting you to look like a normal father to others, including his new fiance. I have a close friend who had a very abusive dad and he didn't bother about anything until he was about to marry a new woman, and all of a sudden, he's finding her and sidling up to her trying to act like he cares. It was all because of couse this woman is wondering, if you have kids, where are they? Anyway, one of the sons let him come around, but my friend blocked him and told him to pissoff.