My dad interferes in my relationship finances. How to stop him?

[missingu]

I want to be clear I don't live at home, I rent with my partner. It's nothing spectacular but it is pricey in the area that we live. We pay our rent and bills and we never ask for money as we both make good money.

 

When I was living at home my parents decided to live further away so I moved in with my partner closer to the city.

 

My dad has made it clear our place is a dump and how much he can't believe that we pay what we pay to live here. My partners family live close by as well. He constantly asks about our money and if we are saving. He wants us to buy a house but we need to save a deposit for that which is hard to do when rent is expensive.

 

My mum and dad took us on a big family overseas trip for Christmas and when they saw my partner spending lots of money they got upset. I told them we are on holidays and when we are on holidays we spend what we want and don't worry about money. We save especially for it.

 

They were upset because we should be saving for a house in their eyes but I was like well you are the ones who brought us on holiday, did you expect us to not enjoy ourselves?

 

And then they were tense the whole second half of the holiday because they were upset about the whole situation. I just wish sometimes they'd accept our decisions and mind their own business.. How do we stop them from interfering?

 

I think my parents expect us to move out their way too but it's not going to happen as we are happy where we are.

[Cersei]

How old are you two? I think your Dad is just looking out for you.

[missingu]

I'm 32 my partner is 28

[Cersei]

That is tough. My Dad would be the same way but just out of love.

 

I think you should just let it slide for now. You only get one Dad.

 

If opportunity presents itself in the future (another trip invite or something) just casually mention that you thank him but as a couple you 2 are responsible for yourselves now financially. And that he does not need to worry about you.

 

It's what I would do anyway. Best of luck.

[d0nnivain]

That is not interfering. That is expressing an opinion. Interfering would be your parents taking money out of your account or making a scene when you bought something. You don't have to like their opinions nor do they have to like your decisions.

 

Chalk it up to your parents being concerned about you. Then let whatever they say go in one ear & out the other. Stop talking about money with them. When they bring it up say we're fine & change the subject. Don't spend money around them.

 

My parents were children of the depression. Despite the fact that I made more money then the 2 of them combined, they were better savers then I am. Some of my big purchases especially travel upset them & they let me know it but it never stopped me from going.

[Gaeta]

At your age you should be aiming at buying a property otherwise you'll miss the boat and end up in your 40s and 50s with no assets then it's too late. Your partner being younger may not understand the importance of building assets yet.

 

 

 

My daugther is 31 and saving to buy her first house. I point to her often what she is doing wrong. That $5 a day on starbuck coffee should go toward her cash down, that $600 tatoo same thing, her cigarets at $10 a day is in the way of her getting that new house faster. I am not interefing, I have experience and I am pointing-guiding her toward the importance of having a concrete plan for her future. Your parents don't want to see you with nothing under your feet when you reach 40+.

 

 

 

For what it's worth I also think your boyfriend spending big money on that trip just because it's the holiday isnt showing much seriousness on his part in term of planning a future with you.

[Gaeta]

My mum and dad took us on a big family overseas trip for Christmas and when they saw my partner spending lots of money they got upset. I told them we are on holidays and when we are on holidays we spend what we want and don't worry about money. We save especially for it.

 

 

I have read your thread about your boyfriend having adhd and his condition not being understood and accepted by your family. Is it possible that is the root of your parent's concern? You said your boyfriend acts very overexcited at times, does that mean when he goes in this mode he can spend money unecessarely? and that's why he went overboard with spending on that holiday?

[SunnyWeather]

tell them, 'thanks for your concern'. and make it clear to butt out of your lives. you and your partner have to learn these things on your own and make your own decisions. if every time you two meet up with the parents and they start badgering you, then you have to make it clear this is a boundary they need to stop crossing or you will have to cool on the meet ups. it's none of their business what your partner spends their money on, same for you--UNLESS YOU WANT THEIR ADVICE. jeez that's just way over the top. I would've left the holiday if they continued with those antics.

 

speak up. you're not a child anymore.

[bathtub-row]

Stop accepting vacations from them or doing anything that gives them the opportunity to criticize. Then let them know that you don’t appreciate them continually lecturing you about money. It’s your business and you’ll work it out.

[Mr. Lucky]

That is not interfering. That is expressing an opinion.

 

Exactly. And it goes with the parental territory. The fact they took you on the vacation would indicate they haven't cut you off for not following their advice.

 

My wife is the master of the neutral smile and nod. When receiving unwanted advice, she smiles gently and says "thanks", moving on to something else.

 

Try that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

I disagree that this is to be expected from parents. I may say something to my son when I think he’s making a mistake but I don’t keep harping on it. If he didn’t get it the first time, then that tells me he needs to do it his own way. Just because I’m his mom mean I have a license to badger him. Parents should show respect toward their adult children. Unless it impacts the parent in some way, continuing to badger them is disrespectful.

[d0nnivain]

I disagree that this is to be expected from parents. I may say something to my son when I think he’s making a mistake but I don’t keep harping on it. If he didn’t get it the first time, then that tells me he needs to do it his own way. Just because I’m his mom mean I have a license to badger him. Parents should show respect toward their adult children. Unless it impacts the parent in some way, continuing to badger them is disrespectful.

 

 

True but not all parents are as enlightened as you, bathtub-row.

 

My mom was the badgering type. She repeated her opinion loudly & often but she never "interfered" in the sense that she tried to control my money. She just criticized. Some times that made it harder to spend time with her, but mostly I just tuned her out.

 

Here the OP has to consider the source. The unsolicited advice is coming from a place of love, not meanness. To cut contact with mom & dad over this seems extreme when ignoring them will better keep the peace.

[Wallysbears]

You sound a bit immature for your age and I would think your father is trying to watch out for your best interests.

[bathtub-row]

True but not all parents are as enlightened as you, bathtub-row.

 

My mom was the badgering type. She repeated her opinion loudly & often but she never "interfered" in the sense that she tried to control my money. She just criticized. Some times that made it harder to spend time with her, but mostly I just tuned her out.

 

Here the OP has to consider the source. The unsolicited advice is coming from a place of love, not meanness. To cut contact with mom & dad over this seems extreme when ignoring them will better keep the peace.

 

I wasn’t inferring at all that she cut contact with them. I was basically saying that she needs to stand her ground. Also, accepting vacations is putting her in a position of being at their mercy, which they use to hold power over her. It’s like when I was married years ago and my then husband’s mother was known for helping family members out and then thinking it gave her license to tell them what to do. So, there was a piece of property that we wanted to buy but didn’t have the money because we had just purchased a house. So his mom offered to help us buy it. There was no way I was going to let that happen because of how she acted when she helped family members. She never treated us that way and I wasn’t going to put ourselves in that position.

 

As far as their advice coming from a place of love, I don’t believe that’s always the case. It’s coming from a place of control. I know when I was young and my dad kept insisting that I buy a house, I eventually did but it was a huge mistake because I wasn’t ready for that type of responsibility. Parents don’t always know what’s best. It’s fine if they give advice but they really don’t have the right to hound their kids with their opinions and criticisms.

Edited November 23, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Gaeta]

I disagree that this is to be expected from parents.

In certain culture it is normal.

[Stomper]

Oh grow the **** up, and maybe check on your definition of interfering

 

And yeah, why do you think your parents paid for your holiday???

Because they wanted to help you out financially. Responding by throwing money around is pretty insulting. Maybe, and here's a radical thought, you could have just asked your BF to pull his head in?

 

I suspect the real problem here is that you know your parents are right.

 

At your age, you should be saving for your own place. And yeah, it takes sacrifices.

Sounds to me like you need to stop making excuses for your BF's immaturity. He's 30 years old FFS.

[siren8272]

You sound a bit immature for your age and I would think your father is trying to watch out for your best interests.

 

 

How is the bolded helpful? Im just curious?

[siren8272]

Oh grow the **** up, and maybe check on your definition of interfering

 

And yeah, why do you think your parents paid for your holiday???

Because they wanted to help you out financially. Responding by throwing money around is pretty insulting. Maybe, and here's a radical thought, you could have just asked your BF to pull his head in?

 

I suspect the real problem here is that you know your parents are right.

 

At your age, you should be saving for your own place. And yeah, it takes sacrifices.

Sounds to me like you need to stop making excuses for your BF's immaturity. He's 30 years old FFS.

 

 

 

 

Wow so you think the bolded is being helpful you sound kind of vicious about a situation you are not personally involved in. There is no need to be that harsh.

[siren8272]

I hope some of you know theres a housing problem in the US. Dont believe check up on California's housing crisis and its the same in many areas of the US. If she was at home on her parents couch some of you would still be rude. Honestly part of being a parent once your kids are adults is knowing when to hush up. Dont believe me there please read up on human development once your child is an adult you have to allow them to make their own choices without your input. This just drives further division. I implore some of you to please please please pick up a book about family dynamics because some of you are clearly giving advice from a place of projection.

[stillafool]

I hope some of you know theres a housing problem in the US. Dont believe check up on California's housing crisis and its the same in many areas of the US. If she was at home on her parents couch some of you would still be rude. Honestly part of being a parent once your kids are adults is knowing when to hush up. Dont believe me there please read up on human development once your child is an adult you have to allow them to make their own choices without your input. This just drives further division. I implore some of you to please please please pick up a book about family dynamics because some of you are clearly giving advice from a place of projection.

 

That's why smart people don't come to a public forum for advice.

[skywriter]

I want to be clear I don't live at home, I rent with my partner. It's nothing spectacular but it is pricey in the area that we live. We pay our rent and bills and we never ask for money as we both make good money.

 

When I was living at home my parents decided to live further away so I moved in with my partner closer to the city.

 

My dad has made it clear our place is a dump and how much he can't believe that we pay what we pay to live here. My partners family live close by as well. He constantly asks about our money and if we are saving. He wants us to buy a house but we need to save a deposit for that which is hard to do when rent is expensive.

 

My mum and dad took us on a big family overseas trip for Christmas and when they saw my partner spending lots of money they got upset. I told them we are on holidays and when we are on holidays we spend what we want and don't worry about money. We save especially for it.

 

They were upset because we should be saving for a house in their eyes but I was like well you are the ones who brought us on holiday, did you expect us to not enjoy ourselves?

 

And then they were tense the whole second half of the holiday because they were upset about the whole situation. I just wish sometimes they'd accept our decisions and mind their own business.. How do we stop them from interfering?

 

I think my parents expect us to move out their way too but it's not going to happen as we are happy where we are.

 

 

None of us know your dad, or his intentions. I know as a parent of a 32 year old, I do not ask her about her money nor tell her how to save or spend. Just my opinion, at 32 years of age, that is interferance. On the other hand, if you ask my opinion, then I'd give it.

 

As for the saving for a future home again, that's up to you and your partner. Some folks are actually lifetime renters, and again, to each his own.

 

Your parents are who they are and it's doubtful that they will change and you may just have to accept this and try to love them anyway. I think the best you can do is keep the distance as you mentioned you have planned to do. Best of luck to you.

[siren8272]

That's why smart people don't come to a public forum for advice.

 

 

Then what is the point of this place? and just for clarification are you implying those who ask advice here are not "smart" if so wow...just wow:(:(:( and I thought this place had changed ....