LoveFiend Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 So I had recently graduated with a dual MBA/MSW about a year and a half ago. I have gotten job offers for better paying jobs far away from home , but wife wants me to stay where I am at. My wife and I currently live with my father. I currently work at a manual labor job for $10/hr with benefits for both me and my wife. My wife says she gets good benefits from my current place of employment even though it is only $10/hr and she is afraid if I take a new job far away from home I will just get fired and I will just screw her over out of benefits she has now. One guy called me up and said he was interested in me for a job that paid $55k a year but it was way out in Pennsylvania many states away from home and her family. My wife said no way so I obeyed her wishes and turned the job down and I am literally kicking myself for turning it down. My family is pressuring me to take job offers out of state and move, while my wife wants me to wait for better paying jobs close to home. My family gets into arguments with her because basically we are living off of family members to survive. We have no other choice with our current employment. Even my $10/hr job I had a hard time landing where I am at. Employers looked at resume and said two Master's degrees and you want to work here! Your too overqualified sorry. I even got turned down where my wife had no problem getting a job, at McDonald's. My wife is a high school dropout and was labeled a slow learner in school. My wife has an easier time landing these low paying jobs than I do with two Master's degrees. She has family where we are at and doesn't want to leave them. We live in a high crime very depressed area of the country. In our area there are very little good paying jobs and even $15/hr jobs here are very competitive to get, tons of job applicants. Just very depressed with sky high crime rates. So I am not sure what to do. I love my wife and getting married was a blessing, but like I tell me wife we are going need that money I need a better paying job even if means moving away far from home. I told her we can't rely on my family forever to take care of us they will pass away and the money will be gone. Moving away also would be good for me too. It would help for me to get away from temptation and bad old habits I need to break, being in a high crime area there are too many tempting unsavory businesses around here that I would be better off not living close by at all so I am not tempted. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 Moving away also would be good for me too. It would help for me to get away from temptation and bad old habits I need to break, being in a high crime area there are too many tempting unsavory businesses around here that I would be better off not living close by at all so I am not tempted. Is this your attempt to get away from the temptation of the strip clubs/prositutes? Because temptations can be found almost anywhere... Look, I have no doubt that there are better opportunities elsewhere and no, you can't rely on family to support you forever. But, based on your last thread, your marriage is in trouble. To move your wife away from her support network of family, friends, and employment if your marriage is on shaky ground is not a good or kind thing to do to her. Just something to consider... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 Your marriage is rocky anyway, so your wife would be a fool to pick up and move with you. There's strippers and prostitutes everywhere. Get two jobs until one better one comes a long. Rebuild your marriage. If it lasts, then she might be more willing to move to a better place not too far away. Every town has good neighborhoods and bad neighborhoods. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 Okay, when I read the post, I was going to say you need to convince your wife to move. You can’t be living off of family in a place where there aren’t good-paying jobs. But then after Bailey B’s post, and reading your thread about the 30 prostitutes..... Ugh. Taking her away from her family and friends sounds like a really terrible thing for her. And you don’t seem at all confident or dedicated to staying away from the prostitutes and strippers. She’ll have no support at all. I’d hate to be her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 Okay, when I read the post, I was going to say you need to convince your wife to move. You can’t be living off of family in a place where there aren’t good-paying jobs. But then after Bailey B’s post, and reading your thread about the 30 prostitutes..... Ugh. Taking her away from her family and friends sounds like a really terrible thing for her. And you don’t seem at all confident or dedicated to staying away from the prostitutes and strippers. She’ll have no support at all. I’d hate to be her. 30? blimey! Seems like she`s trying to protect you from yourself... One issue at the time. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 So I had recently graduated with a dual MBA/MSW about a year and a half ago. Why aren't you more employable in your field and near where you live? $10/hr doesn't seem like much return on that kind of educational investment. And how do you afford strippers and hookers on $10/hr ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 (edited) So I had recently graduated with a dual MBA/MSW about a year and a half ago. I have gotten job offers for better paying jobs far away from home , but wife wants me to stay where I am at. My wife and I currently live with my father. I currently work at a manual labor job for $10/hr with benefits for both me and my wife. My wife says she gets good benefits from my current place of employment even though it is only $10/hr and she is afraid if I take a new job far away from home I will just get fired and I will just screw her over out of benefits she has now. One guy called me up and said he was interested in me for a job that paid $55k a year but it was way out in Pennsylvania many states away from home and her family. My wife said no way so I obeyed her wishes and turned the job down and I am literally kicking myself for turning it down. My family is pressuring me to take job offers out of state and move, while my wife wants me to wait for better paying jobs close to home. My family gets into arguments with her because basically we are living off of family members to survive. We have no other choice with our current employment. Even my $10/hr job I had a hard time landing where I am at. Employers looked at resume and said two Master's degrees and you want to work here! Your too overqualified sorry. I even got turned down where my wife had no problem getting a job, at McDonald's. My wife is a high school dropout and was labeled a slow learner in school. My wife has an easier time landing these low paying jobs than I do with two Master's degrees. She has family where we are at and doesn't want to leave them. We live in a high crime very depressed area of the country. In our area there are very little good paying jobs and even $15/hr jobs here are very competitive to get, tons of job applicants. Just very depressed with sky high crime rates. So I am not sure what to do. I love my wife and getting married was a blessing, but like I tell me wife we are going need that money I need a better paying job even if means moving away far from home. I told her we can't rely on my family forever to take care of us they will pass away and the money will be gone. Moving away also would be good for me too. It would help for me to get away from temptation and bad old habits I need to break, being in a high crime area there are too many tempting unsavory businesses around here that I would be better off not living close by at all so I am not tempted. Moving away also would be good for me too. -- You can run but you can't hide. People carry their "issues" with them if they haven't dealt with those issues properly and who haven't "healed". So, moving isn't going to help with that. she is afraid if I take a new job far away from home I will just get fired and I will just screw her over out of benefits she has now. -- I suspect that your marriage is rocky anyway and I can understand your wife's concern about moving far away and, perhaps, ultimately be stuck in a strange place and starting over without her family and friends close by. Moving away also would be good for me too. -- Make sure you are not making this your primary focus "unconsciously" while searching and being less focused on a more local job search. You can search both locally and further out. Beyond all that, if you two cannot resolve it, sometimes a man just has to be the "head of the household" and make decisions that are good for the family's future. If she bails on you it's not really going to be about "moving for a better job" anyway. She's just "comfortable" where she is, good or bad and is resisting because of that. Edited October 1, 2018 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 Beyond all that, if you two cannot resolve it, sometimes a man just has to be the "head of the household" and make decisions that are good for the family's future. Normally Redhead, I look forward to your posts because they are always insightful and thought provoking. But, really? A marriage is a partnership, for me. Both partners have to be in agreement before making a decision that will change the course of both lives. Furthermore, the head of this household has demonstrated questionable judgment and commitment to this marriage. And, that’s all I’m going to say about that... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 The longer you stay working at the $10 / hour job without using the degrees the more unemployable you look / become. I suspect part of your wife's reluctance to move is that she has support here while you are out at the strip clubs & watching porn. If she moves with you she will be isolated. She probably thinks that you will get fired & she will lose benefits because she doesn't respect you as a man of integrity because you keep putting your pleasure with other sex acts above your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 Normally Redhead, I look forward to your posts because they are always insightful and thought provoking. But, really? A marriage is a partnership, for me. Both partners have to be in agreement before making a decision that will change the course of both lives. Furthermore, the head of this household has demonstrated questionable judgment and commitment to this marriage. And, that’s all I’m going to say about that... So has she demonstrated questionable judgement . . . if he's got the kind of issues he's posted about, she should move on anyway. I can't imagine a wife who would not be supportive of a husband who has two degrees and not being open-minded and considering all options. They are at an impasse and someone needs to take charge. He is wasting 2 degrees because she is content to stay "where they are" probably because of her "fears". I'm not saying he shouldn't discuss it with her but if there's no agreement, usually, it's best to do nothing. In this case, they can't afford to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 So has she demonstrated questionable judgement . . . if he's got the kind of issues he's posted about, she should move on anyway. I can't imagine a wife who would not be supportive of a husband who has two degrees and not being open-minded and considering all options. They are at an impasse and someone needs to take charge. He is wasting 2 degrees because she is content to stay "where they are" probably because of her "fears". I'm not saying he shouldn't discuss it with her but if there's no agreement, usually, it's best to do nothing. In this case, they can't afford to do that. Remember, this is his perception of the situation. It is certainly possible that information is being presented to support his desire to move - admittedly to get away from the "temptation" he feels with the "unsavoury businesses" in the area. I feel like we are not getting the entire through of the situation here... And I agree, she has questionable judgment too. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Beyond all that, if you two cannot resolve it, sometimes a man just has to be the "head of the household" and make decisions that are good for the family's future. If she bails on you it's not really going to be about "moving for a better job" anyway. She's just "comfortable" where she is, good or bad and is resisting because of that. Having a penis does not give you carte blanche to make unilateral decisions, and it most certainly does not ensure that your penis-lacking partner will meekly follow you in aforementioned unilateral decision. A relationship/marriage is about two people making a decision together, not one person making the decisions and the other simply tagging along. It seems from a previous thread that the OP has been cheating on her - and yes, going to a strippers' club and having them literally rub themselves on you, without your partner's knowledge and consent, is considered cheating to a lot of people. Most men would feel the same way if their wife went to a male strippers' club and had them rub their crotch on her. I personally think the wife is holding out on leaving because she does not trust him to remain faithful to her, and then she'll be left all alone in a new place with nobody to turn to. That is nobody's fault but his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Having a penis does not give you carte blanche to make unilateral decisions, and it most certainly does not ensure that your penis-lacking partner will meekly follow you in aforementioned unilateral decision. A relationship/marriage is about two people making a decision together, not one person making the decisions and the other simply tagging along. It seems from a previous thread that the OP has been cheating on her - and yes, going to a strippers' club and having them literally rub themselves on you, without your partner's knowledge and consent, is considered cheating to a lot of people. Most men would feel the same way if their wife went to a male strippers' club and had them rub their crotch on her. I personally think the wife is holding out on leaving because she does not trust him to remain faithful to her, and then she'll be left all alone in a new place with nobody to turn to. That is nobody's fault but his. A relationship/marriage is about two people making a decision together, not one person making the decisions and the other simply tagging along. - I agree with this statement if the relationship is, otherwise, functioning well. This one doesn't appear to be at all. I agree that that's why she's holding out. But she should just leave him and be somewhere she's comfortable about while she starts over. Her reasoning and insight are clearly not what they should be in terms of a more satisfying living situation. She is right not to follow him if she doesn't want to go but she but she is also trying tell him what he should do and taking charge more or less. These two are at an impasse. Her focus is selfish but understandable given the circumstances. He's thinking about both their futures, his family and the strain there and seeing a better future. Whereas, she doesn't want to rock the boat and stay married to a cheater and mooch off his family because it's just easier to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Comfort is the enemy of progress. If he's focused on finding something closer and isn't having any luck with that, then he needs to expand his search area. I did say above that he needs to make sure he's making a really good effort to find something closer. If he's not doing that and just thinking that being away from his current area will help him overcome his "addiction", he's wrong. It will follow him. Another way to approach it would be for him to accept a job, say in Pennsylvania, on a "trial basis" to see if he can set things up for them and demonstrate he's serious and then after he's established, she could go there. But I'd say, given the trust issues that must exist for her, she'd be stressed out all the time worrying that he's cheating or going to clubs, etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 But she should just leave him and be somewhere she's comfortable about while she starts over. Her reasoning and insight are clearly not what they should be in terms of a more satisfying living situation. She can't leave or divorce him. My wife is very religious doesn't believe in divorce thinks she will burn in hell for divorce. So I use this information as leverage and a guilt trip to keep her always my wife no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveFiend Posted October 3, 2018 Author Share Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) Why aren't you more employable in your field and near where you live? $10/hr doesn't seem like much return on that kind of educational investment. And how do you afford strippers and hookers on $10/hr ??? Mr. Lucky I get a lot of help with money from family. My father actually has the same problem I have, my wife was upset when she found my father had long lists of girls numbers written down. I got my list of girls to see from him. He sometimes gave me money to help pay for them. This causes a lot of tension too in the house, my wife says she can't understand why I stick up for a man who see's hookers. My wife and I live with my father. ... but anyway I am maturing out of that phase in my life. My father has built a great career out of being an Electrical Engineer his whole life. He is trying to push me onto better things, better jobs away from home and wife is holding me back. Edited October 3, 2018 by LoveFiend Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 I got my list of girls to see from him. He sometimes gave me money to help pay for them. I doubt your father gave you "hooker dollars", he gave you money which you then elected to spend on working girls. He is trying to push me onto better things, better jobs away from home Has it occurred to you this man may not be the best influence in your life? Again, assuming you live in a major metropolitan area, why does a man with two degrees have to move to get a job paying more than $10/hour? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Again, assuming you live in a major metropolitan area, why does a man with two degrees have to move to get a job paying more than $10/hour? This is also my question. Surely, there must be some opportunities that don't require you to move your wife away from her friends, family, and employment? And if I may add, I don't have much hope for your marriage if your perception is that your "wife is holding you back..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveFiend Posted October 4, 2018 Author Share Posted October 4, 2018 Yeah will have to see how things go this is my 2nd marriage, was married once before. A lot of kinks to work out and I really have matured a lot during marriage and grown out of immature behavior with the call girls and strippers. It was a lot of fun and a phase in my life but now I want to spend more money in useful ways and that lifestyle is getting old. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Yeah will have to see how things go this is my 2nd marriage, was married once before. A lot of kinks to work out and I really have matured a lot during marriage and grown out of immature behavior with the call girls and strippers. It was a lot of fun and a phase in my life but now I want to spend more money in useful ways and that lifestyle is getting old. Let me guess the 1st marriage also ended because of the strippers etc.? If you are serious about changing & finally leaving all that stuff behind, pitch the move to the better job to your wife as a clean slate. Then live up to that promise & be the man who only needs her not the porn stars or the strippers. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 If I were you, I would be busting my a$$ to get a job with benefits in my current location so that I could move myself and my wife out of my father's house, but allow her to stay near family and friends, where she has a support system. Then, I would encourage my wife to finish her GED and perhaps get a certification or 2-yr degree in the field of her choice. I would prepare myself for the fact that, once my wife gains some self-awareness and confidence, she may decide she deserves better than how I have treated her and she may leave me. Therefore, I would preemptively work very hard to become the man that she deserves and prove to her that I am worthy of her trust. Link to post Share on other sites
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