father and mother

[healthyhopes]

This summer my father went to his home country (the first time in about 30 years since he came, with my mother and the rest of our family, to America) for about a week or two.

 

He hung out with a bunch of old friends and also, unbeknownst to us, reacquainted himself with a childhood love (someone who, my mother tells me, always snubbed him and never gave him the time of day when they were adolescents) and he cheated on my mother.

 

Today I received the news. Also, she's coming to America with a visa, and has has made plans to marry her after 2 months (visas expire after 3 months).

 

We think she just wants him to get permanent entry into America. My mother says that she has many ex lovers and she tries to get something from all of them. I heard my mother cry over the phone this morning. He knows what he is doing is crazy but he strongly feels like he has to do it. He told me he is crazy himself. My mother thinks it's the right choice because he never does things like this, which must mean he is in love, and she can't stop him. No one can. I don't know what to feel. My father was the strongest and best man I knew.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm not quite following. Your father intends to marry a woman, who is most likely using him, while he's still married to your mother?

 

If they're divorced, they best you can do is let him follow through with his crazy plan, and reap the consequences later. The more you try to talk sense into him, the more he'll push back and do what he wants.

 

I'm sorry. He does sound crazy.

[healthyhopes]

I'm not quite following. Your father intends to marry a woman, who is most likely using him, while he's still married to your mother?

 

If they're divorced, they best you can do is let him follow through with his crazy plan, and reap the consequences later. The more you try to talk sense into him, the more he'll push back and do what he wants.

 

I'm sorry. He does sound crazy.

 

 

To clarify (sorry, I wrote that post very hastily as I was very upset): My mother and father are getting a divorce. I got a conference call this morning that included her, him and my brother.

 

Yeah, I suppose that is what I'm going to have to do. I'm just completely blown away. I'm in total shock. I don't understand any of this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm just completely blown away. I'm in total shock. I don't understand any of this.

 

Afraid Midwest is right, no way to stop people from making mistakes, even big ones.

 

Were your parents divorcing before your dad connected with this woman?

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

If your parents marriage was essentially already over, your dad is free to date & marry anybody he wants. Your mother understands this. She may be mourning the loss of her marriage but she's wise enough to understand that your dad is rebounding & this isn't healthy but she knows she can't stop him from making a foolish decision & neither can you.

 

Just sit there in silence. You have no other options. Your dad is a grown man who can make stupid choices if he wants. Do understand that his decisions regarding this other woman have no impact on how much he loves you.

[healthyhopes]

Afraid Midwest is right, no way to stop people from making mistakes, even big ones.

 

Were your parents divorcing before your dad connected with this woman?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

no, I don't think so. It seems like they are getting divorced because my father is in love with this woman/my mom found all of the messages between them on his phone. Their marriage did have some rocky parts (lots of arguments, especially when I was in highschool, where I was involved in these altercations-- so I feel guilty, because I was the catalyst for many arguments), but I can't imagine any of this happening a year or two ago. His behavior has changed immensely.

[anika99]

Yeah it does sound like your father is not thinking clearly. I suspect he and this woman will not last more than a year or two or however long she has to legally stay married to him to get permanent residence.

 

Your mother seems rather calm and accepting of this whole thing. Perhaps she was not happily married and isn't all that devastated at getting divorced. Even if she is upset she is doing the right thing in just letting your father go. Trying to hold onto him will just make him more determined to get free. And he betrayed her in the worst way so maybe she rightfully wants him to get out of her life.

[Mr. Lucky]

(lots of arguments, especially when I was in highschool, where I was involved in these altercations-- so I feel guilty, because I was the catalyst for many arguments)

 

Simply not true, lots of ways for parents to handle issues involving their children that don't include turning on each other. As a child, you're not responsible for the state of your parent's marriage and some of that misplaced guilt may lead you to get in the middle of their current situation.

 

Let them work it out while you live your life focused on other more important things. Time for the Serenity Prayer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[healthyhopes]

yeah, she does seem calm. She said that she had already gone through the stages of grief by the time she called us. right now they are watching a movie together. they will live together for a few more months before they divorce/this other lady flies in from ukraine.

 

The idea that my father never loved my mother is heartbreaking. I think my mom still is reeling from it, despite accepting it. My mom said the other woman seemed like an angel who never experienced hardship in her life (whereas my mother went through a lot of hardship that most others do not experience) and also said it seems like a sickness and wishes my father would just be well already and get over it and for things to go back to how they were.

 

Sorry to keep writing. I know nothing I write will change anything and i'm not sure what it will accomplish but i am really sad about all of it.

[MidwestUSA]

yeah, she does seem calm. She said that she had already gone through the stages of grief by the time she called us. right now they are watching a movie together. they will live together for a few more months before they divorce/this other lady flies in from ukraine.

 

The idea that my father never loved my mother is heartbreaking. I think my mom still is reeling from it, despite accepting it. My mom said the other woman seemed like an angel who never experienced hardship in her life (whereas my mother went through a lot of hardship that most others do not experience) and also said it seems like a sickness and wishes my father would just be well already and get over it and for things to go back to how they were.

 

Sorry to keep writing. I know nothing I write will change anything and i'm not sure what it will accomplish but i am really sad about all of it.

 

 

Keep writing here, if only to get it off your chest.

 

I'm sure your father loved your mom in some way, at some point in time. He's rewriting history.

 

Just be there for your mom. How old are you? Do you have any siblings?

 

You said his behavior changed radically in the last couple of years. Medical causes need to be ruled out. Does he see a doctor regularly? Keep an eye on him (if you can stand to) and watch for other symptoms.

 

Do NOT blame yourself for their arguments; Mr Lucky said it better than I can.

 

Take care of yourself; things will sort themselves out, one way or another.

[healthyhopes]

Keep writing here, if only to get it off your chest.

 

I'm sure your father loved your mom in some way, at some point in time. He's rewriting history.

 

Just be there for your mom. How old are you? Do you have any siblings?

 

You said his behavior changed radically in the last couple of years. Medical causes need to be ruled out. Does he see a doctor regularly? Keep an eye on him (if you can stand to) and watch for other symptoms.

 

Do NOT blame yourself for their arguments; Mr Lucky said it better than I can.

 

Take care of yourself; things will sort themselves out, one way or another.

 

 

I hope things will sort themselves out.

His behavior didn't change radically over the past couple of years, it was more recent; as the end of this past winter he lost a job he really liked and had to take up one that was very stressful. Also his behavior changed when this (affair?) started in May (when they started talking to each other) he started acting very distant, argumentative, etc

 

I really hope he loved her. My mom said he never told her he loved her.

 

I'm 20 and my brother is as well.

[healthyhopes]

My parents were supposed to visit me this weekend but I am not sure whether I want to see my father or not. I really don't want to see him but I'm afraid of hurting his feelings further (he feels really guilty about everything), that I will lose a valuable opportunity, and my mom suggested that he comes too. But I really really don't wanna see him.

[d0nnivain]

If your mom is OK with him coming & you don't want to hurt his feelings further, let him visit. Use the opportunity to tell him you think he's making a mistake & that his actions are upsetting.

[Lotsgoingon]

You have a right to talk to your dad and ask him about this and tell him you're really worried ...

 

In fact, you don't even need to be all that articulate and coherent. If you just cry, that will communicate a lot to your dad.

 

This is one of the pains of divorce for older children. You're simply shocked and stunned and confused. A buddy of mine had his dad literally run off with the "young secretary" about 20 years ago. He couldn't believe it.

 

The good news in your situation is that mom seems to understand dad ... so that's cool ... and sane ... and a guide for you ... How will the divorce affect mom's life and income?

[Miss Clavel]

no fool like an old fool.

 

have your mom tie up all the money. have her check all the deeds to any property they own jointly.

 

we have a situation where a family member married a foreign bride he imported from china. i can't decide if the reason they are happy is because she doesn't speak english. sigh.

 

and i'll be damned if she's getting grandma's mink, money or china.

 

get your mom to the bank and don't forget to check the safety deposit box.

 

your mom needs a smart lawyer.

[healthyhopes]

You have a right to talk to your dad and ask him about this and tell him you're really worried ...

 

In fact, you don't even need to be all that articulate and coherent. If you just cry, that will communicate a lot to your dad.

 

This is one of the pains of divorce for older children. You're simply shocked and stunned and confused. A buddy of mine had his dad literally run off with the "young secretary" about 20 years ago. He couldn't believe it.

 

The good news in your situation is that mom seems to understand dad ... so that's cool ... and sane ... and a guide for you ... How will the divorce affect mom's life and income?

 

I wasn't able to reply until now because I had forgotten my account password somehow.

 

I'm not sure if that'll have any impact. He's kind of oblivious right now. We think he has this vision where all of us are buddy buddy and he basically has two wives. He said that I will have a step brother and he's bubbly and happy about everything.

 

Yeah, she is very clearheaded right now.

the divorce will severely impact income but my mom does have a job. My dad is going to be legally responsible for paying for my brother and I's college, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not because he is going to buy this lady an expensive engagement ring, is going to pay for all her expensive furniture that she wants to decorate with, etc. He keeps complaining about how little money we have but is going to spend TONS on her. Like it doesn't make sense!!

[healthyhopes]

no fool like an old fool.

 

have your mom tie up all the money. have her check all the deeds to any property they own jointly.

 

we have a situation where a family member married a foreign bride he imported from china. i can't decide if the reason they are happy is because she doesn't speak english. sigh.

 

and i'll be damned if she's getting grandma's mink, money or china.

 

get your mom to the bank and don't forget to check the safety deposit box.

 

your mom needs a smart lawyer.

 

Yeah we are trying. He already said she would get his 41k but now my mom is making him write otherwise in his will.

That's so messed up!! I'm really sorry that happened. I can't believe people do these things.

 

I guess what we need now is legal advice. My mom has a lawyer and I think my father has one too. But I'm not sure how much he is relaying to us. We found communications between the two of them on viber and he says he had been talking to an immigration lawyer, which we knew nothing about. I really need to look more into this though

[Stomper]

One cannot even begin to guess what may have gone on between your father and mother.

 

You need to talk to your father, stop getting everything 2nd hand.

You may have to accept that their marriage is over, and that perhaps neither is blameless.

 

Talk to him about what he is doing. If you think he's being an idiot, tell him so.

[SunnyWeather]

as others have suggested, your mom needs to get a lawyer asap. I've seen similar kinds of scenarios over the years, and in every case the father dropped all financial obligations to his first family in order to give a more lavish lifestyle to the other woman.It's as though they are intoxicated and unable to think ethically and rationally. do not take him for his word and the promises to do xyz related to his finances. get divorce proceedings going to freeze the current assets.

 

sorry you are going through this. if it were me i'd tell my mom to kick his ass out (after she's gotten legal advice and put her ducks in a row).

[maybejune]

Yeah we are trying. He already said she would get his 41k but now my mom is making him write otherwise in his will.

That's so messed up!! I'm really sorry that happened. I can't believe people do these things.

 

I guess what we need now is legal advice. My mom has a lawyer and I think my father has one too. But I'm not sure how much he is relaying to us. We found communications between the two of them on viber and he says he had been talking to an immigration lawyer, which we knew nothing about. I really need to look more into this though

 

Usually I don't like revenge, but I can't hold my anger against your father, so here is:

 

Find your mum a very good divorce lawyer, AND screw the lady (not sure how. maybe find out if she is still having a relationship back home, I heard USCIS is also tightening marriage green card) because she destroyed a family.

 

Ignore your father's complaints about money, that's BS, he is trying to put more money away from your mum, you, and your brother. Use the lawyer to freeze his account so he can't spend more on the lady before the divorce finalize.