snowcones Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 Hello forum members. I have been thinking about something and need opinions. I know women like to have a best friend. A best friend is someone that you share everything with and who is a confidant. It's a good feeling and I understand and respect this need, but what I am wondering is, is it okay as a single mother to have that relationship with your 14 yo daughter? The reason I ask because I met a lady who would be cool to hang out with as friends. I suggested we meetup for happy hour (I mentioned the word "drinks") since we live close to each other and to restaurants. She told me that her 14 yo daughter could come with us. I told her that I didn't think that would be appropriate since I am single and she is soon-to-be single and that I for sure would be talking about inappropriate things (men). She then proceeded to tell me that her daughter would find those topics hilarious. I'm left thinking, "Huh?"....... I still think it is inappropriate and that she may have an unhealthy attachment with her daughter. Your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 Her daughter is her "best friend" and her daughter probably just runs her life. Three's a crowd in the early dating stages. I'd just blow her off. She didn't even take your request seriously, and she's never going to. Kids need a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 (edited) I don’t understand if this is supposed to be a friendship between OP and the “new” lady who has a daughter, or a date? Anyways, I have female friends with daughters, and I don’t mind if they bring them to dinner. They’re my friends’ kids after all, and part of the “friend circle”......i would never exclude my friends’ kids, no matter what age. And of course we talk about “guys”/“relationships” etc. while at dinner, but if the kids are there, and I want to say something that’s not age-appropriate, I just wait till they need to use the bathroom, and I squeeze it in quickly......I don’t think it’s a big deal. Soon the 14-year old won’t go to dinner with mom anymore, because they have better things to do as teens, but I like it that my (mostly single) gfs have (for the most part) good relationships with their kids (ages range from 11-ish to 18 yrs old), and I am always happy to see them. It’s not like we go bar hopping with minors or anything......They’re all well mannered, can maintain a conversation, and if we have to discuss something major that’s not intended for their ears, we meet without them. And all my gfs are terrific mothers, I totally admire them (I have no kids myself). Edited September 12, 2018 by Artdeco Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I don’t understand if this is supposed to be a friendship between OP and the “new” lady who has a daughter, or a date? I for sure would be talking about inappropriate things (men). Sounds like friendship. Some parents don't understand the difference between friends and parents. It eventually causes problems... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I'm getting the sense you and your friend have already hung out solo a few times before? If that's the case, your friend may just be trying now to integrate you more to her normal reality, which inevitably revolves around her daughter. It could be a sign that she wants to get closer to you, showing you more of her full life, as opposed to just being shallow "happy hour friends." It's up to you on what type of friendship you want, but I'd be prepared to accept the reality that your friend, as a single mom, has limited time to devote to adult-only hangs that do not include her daughter. Some women in her shoes might be craving or pursuing the opposite ("adult time" with no kids), but that doesn't seem to be the case with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 At 14 you need your mom to be 'a mom' and not your friend. You can be close and open with your teen but always with in mind you are the parent. As I understand it you are single and this woman isn't, so she'd be bringing her daughter on a date with a new man while she is still married....and married to her father? Could this be any more inappropriate? Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 My mother and I have always been best friends. This friendship is not the problem here.. bringing her daughter along to a date for drinks. Is she of legal drinking age yet? Have you guys spent much time together? Like Standard-Fare said, she might just want to take the next step and have you 2 meet. You're either not ready, or don't think it is the right setting (I agree) BUT it is not a date. You two are friends. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 No boundaries, and no clue. Enmeshment But I wondering about what you said too; hanging out as "friends," even though she'll be single soon and you intend to talk about things that would be inappropriate for 14 year old? I bet she gives the daughter veto power. Mom: "what'd you think about that one sweetie, do you think he'd make a nice stepdad?" Daughter: "yea mom, let's keep him. he's a shower, not a grower." Every time I hear someone talking about "friends," I think yea, yea, yea... get a fifth of tequila and jump in the hot tub. That will sort out what kind of friends and save you a lot of time. In this case, I guess you'd have to add a half gallon of cool-aid to the mix. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted September 13, 2018 Author Share Posted September 13, 2018 I'm sorry, I should have been more clear. I am a straight single woman and she and I met online through a group we belong to on social media. I am not looking to date her, nor is she looking to date me. It is just a friends thing. I know that she is interested in starting to date men. We have not met in person yet due to scheduling issues, but I mentioned that sometime we can do happy hour (not dinner) since we live so close to each other. Then she went on about bringing her daughter. I had to mention to her that we would be sitting at the bar and that I might be talking about inappropriate things for the girl, like men and sex, etc. and she said 'oh my daughter will probably think it's hilarious'. I still think it's inappropriate and said no and for her to let me know when she will not have her daughter and we can meet up then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I'm sorry, I should have been more clear. I am a straight single woman and she and I met online through a group we belong to on social media. I am not looking to date her, nor is she looking to date me. It is just a friends thing. I know that she is interested in starting to date men. We have not met in person yet due to scheduling issues, but I mentioned that sometime we can do happy hour (not dinner) since we live so close to each other. Then she went on about bringing her daughter. I had to mention to her that we would be sitting at the bar and that I might be talking about inappropriate things for the girl, like men and sex, etc. and she said 'oh my daughter will probably think it's hilarious'. I still think it's inappropriate and said no and for her to let me know when she will not have her daughter and we can meet up then. Why so harsh, if it’s not a date? If you become friends with her, you’ll probably be around her child at some point anyways. Not always, but if a friendship develops, it’ll be inevitable. You can’t exclude the child, if you’re friends with her mother. You could have suggested a dinner instead, where no bar is involved. Or you could have told her that most bars won’t seat underage guests anyways, so could you meet somewhere else? I’m sure she has a reason to bring her, maybe her dad is traveling for business a lot, who knows, or maybe she wants to introduce her, because she’s a proud mom, or whatever. I see no reason to exclude her, seriously. I don’t see the problem. You’ve already shut her down, more or less, though, by demanding to meet without her daughter, which probably doesn’t make her feel like being friends with you. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I'm sorry, I should have been more clear. I am a straight single woman and she and I met online through a group we belong to on social media. I am not looking to date her, nor is she looking to date me. It is just a friends thing. I know that she is interested in starting to date men. We have not met in person yet due to scheduling issues, but I mentioned that sometime we can do happy hour (not dinner) since we live so close to each other. Then she went on about bringing her daughter. I had to mention to her that we would be sitting at the bar and that I might be talking about inappropriate things for the girl, like men and sex, etc. and she said 'oh my daughter will probably think it's hilarious'. I still think it's inappropriate and said no and for her to let me know when she will not have her daughter and we can meet up then. I think you were right to say no. This was meant to be a drink between female friends to talk about life openly. If she has to have her daughter tag along all the time then she is not the type of friend you were looking for. The kid is 14, she can stay home alone a couple of hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted September 13, 2018 Author Share Posted September 13, 2018 Why so harsh, if it’s not a date? If you become friends with her, you’ll probably be around her child at some point anyways. Not always, but if a friendship develops, it’ll be inevitable. You can’t exclude the child, if you’re friends with her mother. You could have suggested a dinner instead, where no bar is involved. Or you could have told her that most bars won’t seat underage guests anyways, so could you meet somewhere else? I’m sure she has a reason to bring her, maybe her dad is traveling for business a lot, who knows, or maybe she wants to introduce her, because she’s a proud mom, or whatever. I see no reason to exclude her, seriously. I don’t see the problem. You’ve already shut her down, more or less, though, by demanding to meet without her daughter, which probably doesn’t make her feel like being friends with you. I have no intention to never be around her kid. It's just that some things are for kids (no matter what their ages) and some things are not. She said she would let me know when she is free. We shall see. I think you were right to say no. This was meant to be a drink between female friends to talk about life openly. If she has to have her daughter tag along all the time then she is not the type of friend you were looking for. The kid is 14, she can stay home alone a couple of hours. Thanks. I get the feeling her daughter is her best friend. I know she is in the process of getting divorced and looking for more friends though. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I have no intention to never be around her kid. It's just that some things are for kids (no matter what their ages) and some things are not. She said she would let me know when she is free.. Yes, I agree that some things are for kids and some aren’t. Some events and locations are for kids and some aren’t. Agreed 100%. I just don’t understand how you have never met this woman in person but you can already be 100% sure what you guys are going to talk about. And how you can be so adamant against the child being there. Unless of course you guys met on one of those divorce support meet up (or dating support or whatever) groups or something like that? Then I can understand it. That’s how you met. And then that would be the main focus of your initial meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 I have a 14 year old daughter. I would not bring her to a bar where a friend and I would be having drinks, and agree with you that this is an odd situation. To me it does sound more like a friendship rather than parent/daughter. Since my daughter is an only child we seem to have a different type of relationship than that of her friends who have siblings, but we still have boundaries. On the flip side, if I was that 14 year old, the last thing I would want to do is hang out with my mom... Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 I don't think there is any point judging or guessing or riddling out this woman's relationship with her daughter. There could be all sorts of reasons SHE thought it might be nice or necessary to take her daughter with (due to very specific circumstances), who knows? Are you weird for not wanting to agree to meet in that circumstance? Absolutely not. No one owes each other anything here. I don't see what is to be gained by making assumptions or ruminating about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 Hello forum members. I have been thinking about something and need opinions. I know women like to have a best friend. A best friend is someone that you share everything with and who is a confidant. It's a good feeling and I understand and respect this need, but what I am wondering is, is it okay as a single mother to have that relationship with your 14 yo daughter? The reason I ask because I met a lady who would be cool to hang out with as friends. I suggested we meetup for happy hour (I mentioned the word "drinks") since we live close to each other and to restaurants. She told me that her 14 yo daughter could come with us. I told her that I didn't think that would be appropriate since I am single and she is soon-to-be single and that I for sure would be talking about inappropriate things (men). She then proceeded to tell me that her daughter would find those topics hilarious. I'm left thinking, "Huh?"....... I still think it is inappropriate and that she may have an unhealthy attachment with her daughter. Your thoughts? IMO, she is being an irresponsible parent. You do not expose young children to strange men . . . period and you do not parade them around a bunch of men. Children should not be introduced to a series of dating partners. They should only be introduced when a dating partner has been properly vetted and it appears, at least, that the relationship has reached the point of stability and looking to be long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted September 16, 2018 Author Share Posted September 16, 2018 I have a 14 year old daughter. I would not bring her to a bar where a friend and I would be having drinks, and agree with you that this is an odd situation. To me it does sound more like a friendship rather than parent/daughter. Since my daughter is an only child we seem to have a different type of relationship than that of her friends who have siblings, but we still have boundaries. On the flip side, if I was that 14 year old, the last thing I would want to do is hang out with my mom... Yes this is my thought too. Her daughter is also an only child. I too thought it was a little weird that 14 yo daughter would even want to hang with mom. Link to post Share on other sites
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