Lorenza Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 My grandma is 80 years old. She's very lively and optimistic, definitely still young in her heart and soul, but her health has deteriorated a lot lately due to an adrenal tumor that causes high blood pressure. She gets hbp from the slightest worry or physical activity. The tumor can't be removed, cause her heart is too weak and the risk is too high that she won't survive such surgery. So the tumor stays and she's bound to have those blood pressure jumps. We all know those are dangerous. She has always been such a social and hospitable person, even tried traveling a couple of years ago and almost died during her trip to Turkey where she had a huge blood pressure jump and ended up in reanimation. If not her health, she'd travel and attend every party her elderly friends and relatives make. That's what she used to do before. My grandma is the light of the family, she's the link that keeps us all together, my best memories are tied to her and I still visit her as often as I can, which is sadly not as often as I'd like, cause I live in another country. Lately there has been more talk about her death than ever, mostly because she's signed the inheritance papers and that had to be planned together with my mom and uncles. Not everything is settled yet so she keeps bringing it up, very casually. Her health is so fragile right now. Most often I come back to my home country to find her in hospitals. She is so so bad at taking care of herself and does way too much physically than she should. I'm so afraid of losing my grandma. I can't stand the thought of saying goodbye to her. It's like a looming threat to everything that's good and bright. I burst into tears everytime I think of this and not sure how to handle it. She's still alive and I'm always happy and positive with her, but even she is talking more and more about death (and as mentioned, in a non-dramatic, casual way) and it's just so hard. I think it's because due to such a tricky health issue it can happen anytime, tomorrow or in years. That's how it is with elderly people, I guess. I keep on repeating to myself - be happy now and cry when it happens, but I can't, I'm scared of that day. Would welcome any words of consolation or advice on how not to think about it and be happy in the present while my granny is with us. We're unbelievably lucky to have her. My childhood was awesome because of her and my teenage years too. It's so nice to go and visit her. I just need to talk about this and I can't because I just cry and can't say a word. Writing is easier. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 I'm sorry, hon. The fear of death is very real. Unfortunately, nobody lives forever, except in the hearts of those who love them. You have to accept that her passing is inevitable but do make the most of the time you have with her. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Record her, especially things about your family history. Go over old photos with her. Make great memories. They will comfort you when she does pass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 One of the saddest things I have ever had to do was visit my grandmother in the hospital, knowing it would be the last time I would see her... Hugs to you, dear girl. It is painful, but she knows she has had a good life and she has probably accepted that her time will come to an end... She would want you to be happy in your life and to remember her fondly. She will be gone, but the love that you have shared will stay with you always. If you haven't heard it, listen to "supermarket flowers" by Ed Sheeran. Have your Kleenex with you. It was written after the loss of his grandmother. One of my favorite lines is "a heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved..." While you have her, spend as much time with her as possible. You will never regret the time that you spend together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 I am sorry Lorenza. It's hard to deal with the thought we will lose our elderly love ones. Make a point of visiting her, take pictures with her, and in between visits make sure you call her, older people love talking on the phone. We never know she could be amoung us for another few years! Link to post Share on other sites
shellybing Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 My grandma is 80 years old. She's very lively and optimistic, definitely still young in her heart and soul, but her health has deteriorated a lot lately due to an adrenal tumor that causes high blood pressure. She gets hbp from the slightest worry or physical activity. The tumor can't be removed, cause her heart is too weak and the risk is too high that she won't survive such surgery. So the tumor stays and she's bound to have those blood pressure jumps. We all know those are dangerous. She has always been such a social and hospitable person, even tried traveling a couple of years ago and almost died during her trip to Turkey where she had a huge blood pressure jump and ended up in reanimation. If not her health, she'd travel and attend every party her elderly friends and relatives make. That's what she used to do before. My grandma is the light of the family, she's the link that keeps us all together, my best memories are tied to her and I still visit her as often as I can, which is sadly not as often as I'd like, cause I live in another country. Lately there has been more talk about her death than ever, mostly because she's signed the inheritance papers and that had to be planned together with my mom and uncles. Not everything is settled yet so she keeps bringing it up, very casually. Her health is so fragile right now. Most often I come back to my home country to find her in hospitals. She is so so bad at taking care of herself and does way too much physically than she should. I'm so afraid of losing my grandma. I can't stand the thought of saying goodbye to her. It's like a looming threat to everything that's good and bright. I burst into tears everytime I think of this and not sure how to handle it. She's still alive and I'm always happy and positive with her, but even she is talking more and more about death (and as mentioned, in a non-dramatic, casual way) and it's just so hard. I think it's because due to such a tricky health issue it can happen anytime, tomorrow or in years. That's how it is with elderly people, I guess. I keep on repeating to myself - be happy now and cry when it happens, but I can't, I'm scared of that day. Would welcome any words of consolation or advice on how not to think about it and be happy in the present while my granny is with us. We're unbelievably lucky to have her. My childhood was awesome because of her and my teenage years too. It's so nice to go and visit her. I just need to talk about this and I can't because I just cry and can't say a word. Writing is easier. You are experiencing anticipatory grief. It is grief in anticipation of a death. We all must face our own mortality and the mortality of our loved ones and this is our natural response for dealing with it. You will have and experience a great deal of emotion for your loved ones when they are older and at risk of passing. It can be a whirl wind of emotion, and I always recommend counseling. Just to talk about it. Our friends and loved ones can help us, but sometimes they do not understand, or get tired of our sharing and intense emotions. A counselor will listen free of judgement and you will feel better none the less. It is good to talk about your feelings and deal with your grief now. it is a coping mechanism that our minds use to help us prepare for the actual upcoming death. Everyone experiences it differently. I am sorry you have to go through this and hope you can find peace with it. Much love to you dear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 3, 2018 Author Share Posted September 3, 2018 Thanks to everyone who answered. I was too sad to read the answers. But I'm more at peace now that I've spent the weekend at my grandparents' and we had a great time, we sang our favorite songs and I took pictures of grandma and grandpa, my mom too. I'm on my way now, leaving the country and have already booked tickets for my next visit. I never travel anywhere else when I have vacations, it feels more important to visit my family instead. I regret moving abroad and not spending those years with my grandparents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 7, 2018 Author Share Posted November 7, 2018 My grandmother's health is getting progressively worse, it's literally like a volcano that can errupt anytime. Her blood pressure spikes are horrible. She's so lively and active person, young in her mind, but her hypertension is ruining everything. Everyday it gets to a point when she's about to call the ambulance and often she has too. The doctors have estimated what is causing those blood pressure spikes but it's too risky to make a surgery because her heart is very weak and she's had electroshock several times. My anticipatory grief is way over the top lately. I'm usually someone who's quite calm and happy on daily basis, but lately I've been crying everyday and I feel guilty I can't just go and visit her (i live abroad) and also getting paranoid when the internet connection is bad and I can't call her because I want to talk to her everytime she is online. I just can't accept the thought that we might lose her anytime. Tomorrow, next month, next year, or maybe something magical will happen and her blood pressure will get better... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Instead of focusing on the doom, gloom & profound grief to come, think about how lucky you are to spend today with her. Cherish the time you do have. It more then anything will comfort you when she does pass. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 So sorry for what you're going through. My grandma was the closest person in my life, nothing more devastating happened to me than losing her. She had a blood condition that made her experience very scary symptoms the last 5 years of her life, so I expected something to happen anytime, and couldn't really spend a day without calling her several times to check on her. When the worst happened it was a different condition (heart attack) and I couldn't even make it to the hospital Still dreaming about her once every few months and this was over 10 years ago... Don't know what to advice you besides trying to interact as much as you can, even if, hopefully, she has lots of time ahead. My grandmother's health is getting progressively worse, it's literally like a volcano that can errupt anytime. Her blood pressure spikes are horrible. She's so lively and active person, young in her mind, but her hypertension is ruining everything. Everyday it gets to a point when she's about to call the ambulance and often she has too. The doctors have estimated what is causing those blood pressure spikes but it's too risky to make a surgery because her heart is very weak and she's had electroshock several times. My anticipatory grief is way over the top lately. I'm usually someone who's quite calm and happy on daily basis, but lately I've been crying everyday and I feel guilty I can't just go and visit her (i live abroad) and also getting paranoid when the internet connection is bad and I can't call her because I want to talk to her everytime she is online. I just can't accept the thought that we might lose her anytime. Tomorrow, next month, next year, or maybe something magical will happen and her blood pressure will get better... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 7, 2018 Author Share Posted November 7, 2018 Instead of focusing on the doom, gloom & profound grief to come, think about how lucky you are to spend today with her. Cherish the time you do have. It more then anything will comfort you when she does pass. It literally doesn't help me. I can't turn it off and be happy instead. Also, I can't spend today with her. She lives in another country. I will only go there during Xmas Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 It literally doesn't help me. I can't turn it off and be happy instead. Also, I can't spend today with her. She lives in another country. I will only go there during Xmas I didn't mean it literally but at least figuratively. Write her a letter if you like. Call her. Look a photos. Mark your calendar 'til you get to see her at the holidays & spend as much time with her as you can. I wish I could tell you there are ways to cheat death but there aren't. If the grief is already debilitating seek therapy. Look into a grief group. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 7, 2018 Author Share Posted November 7, 2018 So sorry for what you're going through. My grandma was the closest person in my life, nothing more devastating happened to me than losing her. She had a blood condition that made her experience very scary symptoms the last 5 years of her life, so I expected something to happen anytime, and couldn't really spend a day without calling her several times to check on her. When the worst happened it was a different condition (heart attack) and I couldn't even make it to the hospital Still dreaming about her once every few months and this was over 10 years ago... Don't know what to advice you besides trying to interact as much as you can, even if, hopefully, she has lots of time ahead. Aw, sorry to hear.. My grandmother is also one of my most cherished people, she's the soul of the family, she glues not on the family, but also all the relatives together. Nothing will ever be the same without her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 My sympathies. I went through this to a degree when caregiving for my mother. It was tough watching her die but my takeaway was three fold. She and I had a treasure chest of life memories together; I spent time with her in her final days when she was no longer in my care and could no longer recognize me; who she was and the gifts she brought to the world will live on in my memory and hopefully those of others who loved her. I lost her a month or so short of 90. Distance presents a challenge. If I was faced with that challenge I'd likely carve out a significant chunk of time, spend it with her and consider that a solid thanks, you're wonderful, and I'll always love and remember you. If she lives longer, bonus. I remember hugging and kissing a dear friend of my wife's goodbye one time as usual, even after wife and I divorced she had remained a good friend, and three months later she was dead. No clue, young, done, over. So glad I did what I did. Mom taught me that. Thanks mom. Best wishes to you and your grandmother..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somani Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 I'm so sorry to hear. When you see her on Christmas love every moment you can spend with her! Try to have fun with her and talk about everything you want to and what she wants to talk about!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 10, 2018 Author Share Posted November 10, 2018 My grandmother died today of stroke. I will never ever hear her lovely voice again Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 Please accept my condolences. I hope her passing was peaceful. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 I'm so sorry for your loss. Focus on your happy memories of her and how fortunate you were to have such a wonderful person to love and be loved by. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 10, 2018 Author Share Posted November 10, 2018 Thank you. It's the first time I'm dealing with loss in my adult life. Trying to cope Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2018 Share Posted November 11, 2018 My grandmother died today of stroke. I will never ever hear her lovely voice again Thank you. It's the first time I'm dealing with loss in my adult life. Trying to cope I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I had hoped you were going to be able to see her one last time when you went home for the holidays. I lost my parents a few years back. The anticipation of when the inevitable would happen was sad which is why I did what I had been encouraging you to do -- cherish the time you had. Do mourn, even cry. Ignore people who tell you what to feel or how to feel. Process your way for as long as you need Are you going to be able to get home for the funeral? The love of the rest of your family should be comforting. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 11, 2018 Share Posted November 11, 2018 I'm so sorry. I know your heart is broken, cherish all the wonderful memories and good your grandmother brought to you. Sending ((((hugs)))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 When i wrote that my grandmother has passed, there was a miscommunication between me and several family members I was communicating with. My grandmother is in coma. However, there is not a slightest chance she is going to wake up. The doctors told my family on Saturday night, that she is going to be on life support for maximum a day, they called a priest for a last prayer, me and some family members who live in the same city abroad, bought a ticket for the very next morning to be able to say goodbye to her. But grandmother is still alive in a coma and we're all experiencing mental dissonance everytime we call the reanimation and that she still lives. That would normally be a positive thing, but in our case it doesn't change anything except it prolongs the wait. It is torturing. These days were the hardest ones in my life. Seeing grandmother in coma was something I thought isn't in my capabilities. Before this happened, I thought I wont be able to handle it. And I couldn't at first. I was crying non stop, refusing to eat. But... After seeing her in her death bed, holding her hand and kissing her forehead, I got reminded of her words, what she used to say, how she used to say that. Her little smile. Voice of concern. Oh, she would not approve of this despair. She would be so bothered by me and my cousins not eating. Grandmother was the kind of grandma who will not leave you be until you eat. Also, whenever I was crying my eyes out about some guy I used to have troubles with, she would sit next to me and say: "[Lorenza], you do know this isn't healthy, dont you? You will ruin your health this way. You need to get yourself together and spare your nerves". I can hear those words so clearly. So I'm trying to force myself to eat. I try to hold myself together. I tear up all the time, but I dont let grief and despair take over me. I reminded my cousins, who are also grieving desperately, how grandma wouldn't be happy about all of this. She was the kind of person who put others before herself. So we are living in this limbo right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 My grandmother herself indirectly is helping me to cope. Or maybe directly. I can see her so vividly. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Hang on to those memories & her words. Let her heal you. Link to post Share on other sites
Penguin_hugs Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I'm very sorry for your experience- I send my condolences- and I can really empathise. My nanny was admitted to the hospital I work at as an emergency and told she had terminal lung cancer and not long to live. It was really out of the blue. She lasted much longer than we were told- and she even still had some better days. She managed to remain at home with caring from my family- but the waiting was horrible. I could not rest and felt bad everytime I went to enjoy a day trip etc thinking that she could pass while I was gone. I was with her on the 24th of Oct in the evening and we had a nice evening. She was really lucid (not fogged up on oxycodone), she drank a cup of tea with me, laughing and joking, thanking me for all the help I had given over the last few months. The next morning she collapsed unconscious and passed away at midnight. I didn't see her in that state which now I think I am grateful for. I wasn't even told about it til the evening. Just be grateful for the good times you spent together- and try not to dwell on the last days. It has been hard for me but I can start to see that it is more of a relief for me because it was so hard at the time seeing her suffering. All my best wishes to you and your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 My grandmother herself indirectly is helping me to cope. Or maybe directly. I can see her so vividly. L, I’m really sorry In fact I lost mine almost on the same day (many years ago). Hate Novembers Keep her alive in your thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
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