I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 (edited) I am the younger one and unlike my sibling, I suffer from low self esteem. My sibling is more successful, social ect then me. Though our relationship has gotten better, I still get put down a lot by him. One incident almost left me in tears when him and his friend (btw we were all college age) tore me to pieces. I despise that friend of his. When I have told other people (mom, bf, etc), they all say this is normal sibling rivalry. I have a very hard time believing that as it had a terrible impact on my self esteem. I don't mind the occasional teasing, but I struggle coping w/being called ugly, fat and constantly being criticized by my sibling. Btw my sibling does have good moments, but if they stay too long (he lives far away), all the negativity is released. Also every time they come for a visit, I dread the visit and stress about it weeks/months before they come. Edited July 28, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Sever ties... Just because individuals are family doesn't mean you have to communicate with them. My sister treated me poorly, one too many times... I haven't spoken to her in 20+ years. My life is better for having her removed from it. One Thanksgiving, dinner was at my sister's house. My parents and other family members were going. I didn't... I went to a Truck Stop and ate with the long haul truckers. They were both fun and enjoyable company. I had a great meal and didn't have to listen to my sister's insults or snide comments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Also every time they come for a visit' date=' I dread the visit and stress about it weeks/months before they come.[/quote'] Is the problem him or your reaction to him? Happy Lemming proposed one solution, simply have nothing to do with him. But if that doesn't work for you, you have to think about what part of this is under your control. Obviously not him, and he sounds like a jerk in the way only siblings can sometimes be. You're only in charge of you, and modifying your reaction to what he says allows you to change the whole dynamic. You've given him way too much power, time to take it away. Use humor or just walk away but change the rules of engagement... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Indeed. My brother and I don't always agree, but we have never engaged in name calling or other emotionally abusive behavior. You have two choices - don't spend time with him or change how you respond. Walk away, don't respond... He is seeking a reaction from you - if you don't give it, he may escalate but he will eventually leave you alone because he's not getting what he wants. There are so many people in this world who will love and support you... Your parents, your friends, coworker's, teachers, strangers... Don't let the words of a cruel man bring you down. His opinion is not worth anything to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Sibling name calling is somewhat normal when we are the age of calling each other "stinky poo", but this is above and beyond. Your mother should have nipped this in the bud years ago, but she didn't help then and she isn't going to help now. I agree that you need to look at what options are open to you. Either avoid him altogether or change your responses to him. What are you comfortable with? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 What exactly is normal sibling rivalry? Siblings aren't suppose to be rivals in the first place, they're suppose to be raised to have each other's back and a mutual respect for one another. Your mom shouldn't have said that, that's not being very motherly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Your brother is being oblivious and insensitive and so is your mom. Here's what I recommend. Stop hiding your feelings ... When say your brother's friend mocked you--however he did--and it hurt. Go ahead and scream, yell, curse, cry ... anything short of a violent assault. This sounds crazy but sometimes you have to show your hurt for others to really sense how much you are troubled by their teasing. Hiding this ... being stoic and seeming OK on the outside--I'm sorry man. That doesn't work. Your brother most likely knows you're upset ... but he doesn't think you're THAT upset. Totally lose it! ... with tears, sobs, the whole thing ... but tap your anger and yell back ... call brother names. Tell brother exactly what you think of this ... and maybe include mom. They'll say you overreacted. They will try to make you feel guilt. And then brother will leave you alone! He'll be much nicer. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 People behave that way because they're unhappy with themselves. No one acts like a jerk when they're really happy, trust me. Find more things to be happy about and go about your business like nobody's business, be happier than ever and don't let it get to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 What exactly is normal sibling rivalry? Siblings aren't suppose to be rivals in the first place, they're suppose to be raised to have each other's back and a mutual respect for one another. Your mom shouldn't have said that, that's not being very motherly. Agree completely. As you grow and mature, the relationship should change to become one of love and support (says the girl who’s brother just dropped me off at the airport this morning). I don’t know what I would do without my brother... we are not overly close, but when we need each other, we trust that the other is there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 2, 2018 Share Posted August 2, 2018 I am so sorry you are going through this, family should be a safe place where we're loved and accepted. I grew up with 3 brothers, my parents would have never accepted name calling among us. My brothers were also raised to be protective and respectful of me. I can't imagine how your brother treats women when he grew up and 'name calling' his sister was seen as a normal game. I don't know how to fix this, I think it's too deep when a behavior has been 'reinforced' by the mother. Sometimes when it's too painful you have to cut your tie and wait for time to heal everything before you get back to being a family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted August 9, 2018 Author Share Posted August 9, 2018 I am so sorry you are going through this, family should be a safe place where we're loved and accepted. I grew up with 3 brothers, my parents would have never accepted name calling among us. My brothers were also raised to be protective and respectful of me. I can't imagine how your brother treats women when he grew up and 'name calling' his sister was seen as a normal game. I don't know how to fix this, I think it's too deep when a behavior has been 'reinforced' by the mother. Sometimes when it's too painful you have to cut your tie and wait for time to heal everything before you get back to being a family. I deeply struggle w/trusting him. He makes pokes at my relationship, jokes are jokes, but I'm sick of it. My parents never saw it as a big deal and pretty much just think I need to "not take it so seriously". I really think this goes beyond normal sibling rivalry as I never see other siblings act like that. Honestly he does these things to hurt me, why else would he do it? He doesn't get anything out of it and he beyond the age of being immature. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I deeply struggle w/trusting him. He makes pokes at my relationship' date=' jokes are jokes, but I'm sick of it. My parents never saw it as a big deal and pretty much just think I need to "not take it so seriously". I really think this goes beyond normal sibling rivalry as I never see other siblings act like that. Honestly he does these things to hurt me, why else would he do it? He doesn't get anything out of it and he beyond the age of being immature.[/quote'] I think you are at an age you should not live with your parents anymore. It would be easier to avoid him if you didn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 You parents should have taught your sibling a long time ago not to be mean. Now, that won't stop it entirely and there will always be some meanness, but they need to not just accept it like it's okay. Parents' job is to train their kids to be nice adults. Yours failed with that sibling. Okay, you're "college age," you say. But are you in college or not? If you're not going to school and are working, get a second job on your evenings or days off and move out and don't invite your sibling to visit. You're old enough to stand up for yourself, too. If he's that bad, just avoid him and to do that, you need to move out. If you're in school then you'll have to get that over with but avoid him as much as possible until you get two jobs after college and move out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 21, 2018 Author Share Posted December 21, 2018 My brother and I have never been close. I've gotten closer to him, but I don't trust him. He has nice moments and mean moments. We are both adults, but still does/says hurtful things. When we were younger he would call me ugly/stupid/dumb etc. When my dad would lecture me, my brother would say things about me so I would get lectured more. One time while hanging out w/his friends, they started making fun of me. We are talking about college age adults. He does his best to put me down. Not helpful either cause all he can do is find faults. I really don't think this is normal behavior because if it was joking I wouldn't take everything the wrong way. Everyone has told me this is normal and that I should grow a thicker skin. I would never let my kids treat each other like that. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 (edited) I saw in your history that your dad is also abusive and rude to you. So it stands to reason that your brother learned this from him. And it also stands to reason that your parents didn't teach him better because this is their 'normal'. I hate to say it, but the sooner you distance yourself from them, the better Edited December 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe-A Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 It’s not normal at this age. I was ganged up by 11 siblings when I was younger. Their insults really hurt me, especially because I could see in the dang mirror thar I was both fat and ugly. I eventually became the swan at age 27 and my siblings looked like bloated corpses. I didn’t tease them and they don’t tease or insult each other either. Someone’s comment suggested cutting ties. That’s exactly what I did to get myself right. We all okay now. Don’t take abuse from your family. It will transfer over to your relationships and you dont deserve that. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 omg. the things i would say to your sibling. in a very loud voice: "you **** eating homophobic racists. how dare you speak to me in that manner. are you still mad because i caught you wearing my thong''? "you said you only take my panties because you never wipe your butt and all of your underwear are stained" i could go on (and you should) but im sure the mods will censor me. warm up your pipes and let it rip. just say whatever you think will make them understand how you feel. your mousy, "that hurts me" voice doesn't work with these Neanderthal a holes. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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