How do you visit a terminal relative?

[Penguin_hugs]

Hi there,

 

I recently found out my nan has terminal liver cancer and likely has a few weeks to months. I'm devastated. She kept the fact she wasn't at 100% health from me- and advised the family to do the same because she didn't want me to be worried and wants me to remain busy in my life. My dad started to tell me little bits. But I had such a shock when I visited her for her birthday 2 weeks ago and she was in bed, in pain, incredibly thin.

 

I was planning to visit this week and I just don't know what to say or do. I don't really want to get upset infront of her because it isn't helpful to the situation- but I've spent my evening in tears. I feel guilty that I may not have spent enough time with her- but my mum told me that I've done more than a lot of people.

 

I'm a health professional, I work in a hospital and I'm not always the best at dealing with palliative patients- but I tend to have limited contact with them anyway. I just am really struggling to handle things in my own family now.

 

Any suggestions for how I can deal with this? What should I say? Or do? I'm just feeling really lost.

[Els]

So sorry to hear that. It's really tough all around.

 

 

IME you don't have to say or do anything special, it's enough for you to just be there. That in itself means a lot.

[darkmoon]

am 65, oldies know our time is short, common sense, see

 

 

take her some flowers, say hello and smile, then let her set the mood by what she says

[BaileyB]

Having lived through the experience of my mother's terminal illness, I would say that it matters less what you say than the fact that you are there.

 

Hold her hand, kiss her cheek, tell her that you love her, and know that tears are ok... As Ed Sheeran says in his beautiful song "Supermarket Flowers..." A heart that's broke, is a heart that's been loved.

[georgia girl]

I just did this with my mom. Go, be present and be comforting. Read online at some of the hospice sites and it will tell you what to expect and guide you iwoth things to do that are comforting. Make sure you tell her that you love her every single time you see her. Eventually, you can’t. She’s gone. But it will be incredibly comforting to know that you said it and she knew it.

 

Also, with advances in medicine, she should not be in pain. As a family, you should address this with her and her health care provider.

 

Hugs to you. I know how badly it hurts. It will be okay. She is in you. She helped to make you strong. You will smile again. I am not sure why we fear pain so much. It’s the pain that lets us know we have loved and lived.

 

Georgia

[IndigoNight]

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. You have my deepest sympathies.

 

My advice would be to go visit, and talk to your nan about the memories you have of your life together. Share stories, try to make each other laugh, comfort each other, and most importantly, just be there. As difficult as it may be to get through the pain, hopefully, one day you will look back and realize how precious this time together was.

 

It is a difficult situation, but it does not have to be filled with sorrow. Spend time with her remembering all of the love, and happy memories. Break out the family photo albums if you have any available. Ask her if she has any memory boxes that she can share with you (usually filled with cards, childhood artwork, etc.) Curl up in a chair next to her (or wherever is comfortable and close enough to hold her hand, or touch her), and look back through the family albums, and ask her to share her happy childhood/past memories. If it were me, I might even record (discreetly) conversations, so I could listen to them later.

 

Just be there. There will be time for you to be sad later, unfortunately. Just being able to spend time with her, and to say "I love you" and even a sad goodbye, is something many people never get with a loved one. For now, cherish every moment you can spend with her. Let her know how much she means to you, and has impacted your life in positive ways.

 

If things get too emotional, there is nothing wrong with crying. She knows you're hurting, and it may even help her to know that she is there to comfort you. If you get overwhelmed, and don't want to break down in front of her, step into the bathroom for a bit, or go for a walk. She will understand.

 

If she interested in it, pamper her with a manicure, brush her hair, rub her feet, or whatever it may be that she would enjoy. Help her (and you) forget what is happening to her, if only for a few minutes. If there are any special treats she would like (and can safely have) get them for her. (My friend who had terminal cancer loved butterscotch pudding, so I would sneak it in to her in the hospital every time I visited. It always made her smile, like she was getting away with something. I will always remember that smile. She also liked manicures with crazy nail polish colors she would have never used before. Sometimes it is the little things that help the most)

 

Sorry for such a long post, I was just thinking of everything I wish I been able to do when my own granny passed away. It was sudden, and unexpected, so I never had the chance to do any of it.

[whichwayisup]

Just let her know how much she loved by you and spend time with her. Keep her spirits up and buy her a funny gift instead of the usual flowers route.

 

I'm sorry that your nan isn't well.

[d0nnivain]

Just go. Sit with her. Talk. Ask about her childhood & her life. Make whatever memories you can with her. You will regret it if you don't.

 

If you have to cry, do so.

[LilithD]

This is not an easy thing for anyone to go through. So sorry to hear about this. But right now she needs you more than anything. I know it will difficult, but be strong!

[Penguin_hugs]

Thankyou so much for your kind messages- it means a lot.

 

I found out that she was having a CT scan today at the hospital where I work and I walked past my great uncle in the corridor waiting for her so I sat with him for a bit. He explained that she has likely had things going on for a while but she doesn't want to worry me and likes to keep me out of it. He seemed more positive than my dad when he called me- but then he doesn't have a medical background. My dad is coming to the UK on Tuesday.

 

I briefly saw my nanny when she came out. She's finding morphine and steroids beneficial and I was amazed to see her walking. She asked for me not to visit this evening as she was too tired. So I'll call at the weekend and see if ok.

 

I found it really strange- she was asking me how I was and how my day was etc etc. She didn't want to talk about her issues at all. She was asking more about my boyfriend! (Who she hasn't met yet!)

 

I feel better having seen her. The way my dad described things on the phone, I felt like she was at home with palliative care nurses and a syringe driver. But she was just very frail etc.

[IndigoNight]

Penguin,

 

It is pretty normal for her to want to talk about anything but her health issues. I imagine the last thing that she wants to talk about is her time winding down.

 

When my grandfather-in-law as in hospice he refused to talk about how he was doing. Instead, he told jokes, stories about his life, and asked a lot of questions about our family life. My husband and I were more than happy to discuss whatever he wanted to. It made him happy, and that's all we cared about. We couldn't stop his inevitable passing, but we could refuse to dwell on it, and we didn't want our last memories with him be filled with sorrow and tears. Let me tell ya, that old man could tell some whopper stories, that 15 years later we still laugh about whenever they come up. He was a feisty one!

 

So talk to her about your boyfriend, work, your hopes and dreams, or whatever it is that makes you both happy.

[Els]

I found it really strange- she was asking me how I was and how my day was etc etc. She didn't want to talk about her issues at all. She was asking more about my boyfriend! (Who she hasn't met yet!)

 

 

This is very normal IMO. Generally, unless I know they really want to talk about it, I don't try to talk about their medical issues with them (beyond a basic "how are you feeling?"). I think they would like to view their visitations as a brief respite from the illness and pain, a window to the rest of the world, a chance to connect with their loved ones for the last time.

[Penguin_hugs]

My dad messaged me from Germany at 5am to tell me that the CT scan showed lung cancer with spinal mets. And if that isn't controlled then she won't be able to move. I guess I got false hope from before when she was acting ok with me.

She got admitted to the hospital where I work late last night. And today is going to be really tough. I just don't know what to do.

[d0nnivain]

Just be there. Talk to her. Let her know how much you love her. Let her love you.

 

Introduce her to your new SO. While she is still alive treat her like she's still alive. Be positive & strong for her sake but it's OK to fall apart out of her presence.

 

She will derive great comfort know you -- her legacy -- will live on.

 

It is very difficult when someone you love is at the end of their life but you have the ability to make it easier just by showing up.

 

Stop thinking you have to do something or cure her . . . you just have to love her.

[Penguin_hugs]

I went in to work and ended up just crying on someone senior. They gave me the day as compassionate leave and told me I could hang around the department etc if I didn't want to go home- but not to work on the wards.

 

I went and saw her this morning before visiting hours. We just sat and chatted and it was nice. I think it made me calm down and she cheered up a little.

 

I went back at standard visiting and the oncology nurses were with her, along with her brother and my aunt. She has extensive spinal mets compressing her spine and they have made her lie down for the next 5 days and transferring her to another hospital for radiotherapy as a palliative thing to stop her being paralysed.

 

It was so strange seeing my colleagues treating her and seeing her in the hospital bed so small and frail. I sat with her on the bed now she is no longer allowed to move- and she's 39kg.

 

I feel better having seen her now though.

[CrazyKatLady]

I am glad you got to visit her. My grandparents got their home burglarized, their bank accounts stolen from and never paid back, addicts invaded their home, cars were stolen and wrecked by criminals, and my aunt even stole jewelry off my grandma's corpse at the funeral home, and their last days, and mine with them, were frightening and miserable. I am glad your nan is somewhere safe and has a loving family. I wish I could have given my grandparents the privacy and safety they deserved in their last years.