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How do you deal with the inlaws?


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Old 13th February 2018, 3:07 PM   #1
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How do you deal with the inlaws?

My husband's parents had called him over to their house to discuss their will. They had specifically told him I wasn't welcome to come. They wanted to keep it only between their children.
Well, they discussed their inheritance will be in a protected trust. Because that money is only for their children and noone else. They have very strict guidelines entered in this trust.
Now I am not upset about them taking care of their children. That's their right. They did good with their life.
What upsets me is my husband and I had been talking about drawing up our own will for about a month or so. We had been discussing it and had thoughts on an attorney etc. Now after he had this meeting with his parents. His dad wants my husband to use his attorney handling his estate planning to draw up his will and his dad is paying for it. His parents have said I can pay for what my share is for my own will with same attorney.
To me this is something personal my husband and I alone should discuss. Who we want to use etc. And we are both more then capable of paying the expense for both of us.
Also the other thing that bothers me is with the stucture of this will and how its stated what happens in our future. What if we sell our home we have had for years and both paid on. What if later he uses some of that money to buy us another house. And god forbid he pass away. Or we divorced. Do I not own my home? Or would I have to pay the trust back to stay?
Has anyone ever dealt with inlaws this way of meddling in what should be private?

Last edited by Cally1975; 13th February 2018 at 5:42 PM..
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Old 13th February 2018, 7:20 PM   #2
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That's just rude and interfering. This is how in-laws might treat someone who had done the wrong thing in the marriage and given them reason to take steps to stop you from touching anything they leave to your husband. I have my will drawn up in a similar way, and my reason is that my nephew, (one of the recipients of my estate), had a defacto partner who I detested, hence I made sure that she wouldn't be getting her paws on anything I had worked for. (He was crazy about her but I had a very bad gut feeling about her - I was right, she ultimately cheated on him and then stole his car, emptied his bank account, etc, while he was away on an army training exercise). Anyway, I would be sitting my husband down and asking what's going on because he and his parents are behaving as if they expect your marriage to end.
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Old 14th February 2018, 9:16 AM   #3
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That's kind of how I felt. But I didn't know if I was being overly sensitive about it. I just wasn't raised that way. My parents are married over 40 years. They always look at us kids as couples. They are genuinely good to my husband.

I could understand if I was this horrible person. We have been together 10 years. I am not a spend thrift. I coupon, shop only sales, and my/our finances are in order. I don't drink, do drugs or gamble.

What really stung is them insisting we use their attorney to draw up our own wills. They will pay for my husbands. I can pay my own they said. To.me this is very pushy. I feel this is something my husband and I should do in private. If the shoe was on the other foot they would be mortified.
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Old 14th February 2018, 9:28 AM   #4
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Tell your husband and the parents' lawyer outside of the presence of the parents that you think this arrangement is unethical because you don't feel comfortable with the lawyer having conflicting obligations. The lawyer will agree with you & the lawyer will then tell the parents that s/he can't do what they ask. It will take you off the hook. It would also help if your husband had the backbone to say thanks but no thanks to his parents about their offer to pay the legal fees.

FWIW my parents had similar wishes that any money they left me as an inheritance belongs solely to me & was not marital property in the event of my divorce. After they died, my husband insisted that money be kept separate. He knows where it is & how much. Some of it I specifically co-mingled but not all.

When your ILs talk, smile but don't reveal much.

As for your other Qs, you need to talk to your own lawyer, one free from the parents' influence.
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Old 14th February 2018, 10:52 AM   #5
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Thanks that's great advice about the conflicting interest. I never thought of that. It would be conflicting if this lawyer has my husbands and his parents interest at heart.
The fact they want to take care of their children don't bother me. It's how they are acting and over stepping boundaries into our marriage.
That's what I was worried about is the comingling of money. It just seems crazy. Like in life a couple can make many decisions. A new home, cars, furniture. The furnace breaks etc. I just always thought a couple pooled together resources. From their jobs, savings, investments etc. I guess with how it's worded for him I do need to talk to a lawyer to see what this would mean in my marriage.
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Old 14th February 2018, 10:55 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsJayne View Post
That's just rude and interfering. This is how in-laws might treat someone who had done the wrong thing in the marriage and given them reason to take steps to stop you from touching anything they leave to your husband. I have my will drawn up in a similar way, and my reason is that my nephew, (one of the recipients of my estate), had a defacto partner who I detested, hence I made sure that she wouldn't be getting her paws on anything I had worked for. (He was crazy about her but I had a very bad gut feeling about her - I was right, she ultimately cheated on him and then stole his car, emptied his bank account, etc, while he was away on an army training exercise). Anyway, I would be sitting my husband down and asking what's going on because he and his parents are behaving as if they expect your marriage to end.

Ps. So.sorry to hear your nephew went through that. It is so heartless for someone to behave that way.
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Old 14th February 2018, 2:28 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
Also the other thing that bothers me is with the stucture of this will and how its stated what happens in our future. What if we sell our home we have had for years and both paid on. What if later he uses some of that money to buy us another house. And god forbid he pass away. Or we divorced. Do I not own my home? Or would I have to pay the trust back to stay?

Funds that belong solely to one partner in a marriage cannot be co-mingled. Once they are they become joint property. Sometimes it's only the amount that was co-mingled like in your example of your husband using additional funds to buy a bigger house. If he died, your rights would be determined by the deed / mortgage. Upon death he would be free to allow whoever he chose to inherit all of it unless the parents put what they left him in some sort of trust which specified what happens to the money when he died. The rules change upon divorce. Your husband may have an argument that he has rights to greater proceeds from the sale of the marital home if he put more money into it. However, in some states the fact that he used funds that were initial separate to purchase the house may have put all of the co-mingled funds in play. You really do need your own lawyer to explain how any of that works in your state.
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Old 14th February 2018, 4:46 PM   #8
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These topics are so very sticky and difficult and even sad to address because of the reason you need a will at all. May I gently suggest that you may have a bigger topic to address with your husband than meddling in-laws or father-in-law? You and he are a family together and when a man marries, he leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife. May I go as far as to say that's how God has designed marriage?

First address the situation between you and your husband. Your husband and you should have a will that has contingencies based on his death before yours or yours before his and that also protects your children. Whether you meet with the recommended attorney or your own, it should be together only and decided upon together regarding any joint assets. If you have separate assets, they can be addressed separately--including whatever his parents may leave to him alone--of course depending on what state you live in will address that, too. I'd also recommend that neither your in-laws nor your parents need to know the contents of your will--other than the person designated to care for your children, if that's a needed part of your will. Please start with this marital issue; I pray the rest will fall into place.
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Old 15th February 2018, 3:29 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
His parents have said I can pay for what my share is for my own will with same attorney.
Quote:
What really stung is them insisting we use their attorney to draw up our own wills. They will pay for my husbands. I can pay my own they said.
This is ridiculous. They're telling you to spend your own money, but they want to pick which attorney you use? No. Go get your own lawyer.

What does your husband say about all of this? Is he going along with his parents' wishes?
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Old 20th February 2018, 10:29 AM   #10
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My husband has agreed we will use our own attorney. I told him while I am agreeable on a lot of things. This seems out of line and it's personal to us. I asked him what his parents would think if the roles were reversed. They are EXTREMELY private people. They would be mortified if it was suggested they do the same.
So I think that got my husband thinking.
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Old 20th February 2018, 1:33 PM   #11
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How do I deal with my in-laws? I don't. Been there, done that, and refuse to continue doing it.

OP: You asked what would happen if your husband used some of his trust money to buy a house, and then passed away, what would happen. Unless I am mistaken, the house would pass to you, unless his will stated otherwise. If you want to know for sure make sure that the sales/loan papers for your house define who gets the home if a spouse dies. "Joint tenancy with the right of survivorship" or "tenancy by the entirety" generally mean the house would transfer to the surviving spouse. (My mother went through this when my father died a couple of years ago.)

Once money is taken out of his trust, it is typically no longer controlled by the trust. Say, for instance, he bought you a pricery anniversary ring with money from the trust. Or, a new car that he registered in your name. It is yours, and not associated with the trust in any way, once he has given it to you. He cannot take back a gift, just because he used his trust fund to buy it.

Last edited by IndigoNight; 20th February 2018 at 1:37 PM..
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