LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Familial > Family

My uncle lacked respect about my deceased father. Advice?


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

Like Tree2Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 17th January 2018, 9:35 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 21
My uncle lacked respect about my deceased father. Advice?

Hello everyone,

First of all, excuse me for any errors in english language because I'm french. As the title says, my uncle lacked respect about my attachment for my deceased father and it really hurt me. My father really was my hero and I love him with all my heart so it was devastative when he passed away 6 years ago because of cancer.

Fast forward to a few months ago. One of my uncles (with whom I'm not close and we barely know each other) came to my mother's house with his wife. I was here so we spoke for a few hours. When they were kids, my uncle was "friend" with my father. I put "friends" in quotes because they respectively had other friends, they only hung out occasionally and since I was born, I never saw them hang out together. My father almost never went to his home and he almost never came to our home. Maybe one or two times in 20 years. They also both lived in poverty when they were kids, and my father even more.


So we were tchatting and he began to talk about how poor my father was when they were kids. But it wasn't with compassion, it was almost disdain. At one point her wife even smirked when he was telling details about how poor my father was. Naturally, I felt a bit upset about this and when my mother joined the conversation I asked to change the subject and my uncle replied curtly "Yes, he lived in misery, that's the truth!"...I was flabbergasted.

First of all, it's not about truth or not, I know that my father was poor when he was a kid, it's about respecting people's feelings and respecting when the son of a deceased father asks to change the subject because it saddens him. And my uncle lived in poverty too as a kid, it's not as if he grew up in Beverly Hills. Shortly after that, I left the house without saying goodbye to them. Apparently it's not the first time he tries to belittle some people. His brother for instance (who is way nicer and respectful than him) told me that he went to his house once and he swore never to return because he told me that he belittled him all night. He told me that despite the fact hat he is his brother, he prefer to stay away from him because he's too arrogant and condescending. Anyway, I'm really hurt about his behavior because like I said, my father really was my hero and he was a gentle, kind person who never talked bad about anyone.

What do you guys think? Do you also think that it was cruel and disrespectful?

Thanks you for your opinions because his arrogant behavior really hurt me.
ascofield is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th January 2018, 10:36 PM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,625
Was this uncle your father's brother? If so, he would know about the state of the affairs as they existed when they were both children

I don't see this person being as disrespectful of your father as you do. If you look at this from a different perspective, the fact that your father overcame so much to achieve all the good things in his life, including your mom, you & the life he had, should raise your father's esteem.

My father's brother & my father were talking on a vacation. My dad was telling these wonderful tales about how glorious everything was. My uncle snorted & sad it was all garbage -- everybody was poor, there was nothing romantic about it. The uncle's version was probably closer to the truth but I so much prefer my father's magical version & those are the stories I chose to remember. I find the dynamics in your situation to be similar.

Just chalk this uncle's behavior up to him being cynical & cranky. Then let it go.

Yes, it would have been kinder to you had they listened when you asked to change the subject but I think you made your point by leaving.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 12:55 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,072
Its hard to imagine that this was cruel or disrespectful, but I'm wondering if something was lost in translation. I just can't see an adult being judgy of another adult's poverty during childhood. It's not like anyone expects a child to go out and earn a decent salary.
grays is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 1:03 AM   #4
Established Member
 
amaysngrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Jersey Shore
Posts: 23,772
When people are rude and nasty and say mean things it's a reflection on their own poor character, not the character of the person they show disrespect towards. Your uncle sounds like he's still living in a poverty.

I'm sorry for your loss of your father XO
amaysngrace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 11:05 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 15,418
This man is not someone you are close to, this is not someone nice, he's condescending, arrogant, and belittles people, so why would his opinion have so much importance to you?

If someone very dear to me said something hurtful about someone I love I would be hurt because their opinion has always had value to me but in your case I would not waste any brain energy on him, his opinion should mean nothing to you, he's nothing to you so why give his opinion so much importance.
__________________
'' The Biggest Coward Is A Man Who Awakens A Woman's Love With No Intention Of Loving Her '' - Bob Marley
Gaeta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 5:40 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 6,610
Quote:
Originally Posted by ascofield View Post
What do you guys think? Do you also think that it was cruel and disrespectful?
ascofield,

It may have been insensitive to your feelings, but your own reaction is far more important than your uncle's actions.

It is possible that your uncle is still struggling or trying to come to terms with his own childhood experiences and memories. For example, maybe as a child he recognized the plight of your dad's family and felt helpless to offer comfort and assistance - and maybe even angry at other people or life-in-general for putting/keeping your dad (and also your uncle's own family) in such dire straits.

Maybe, current-day, your uncle wants to talk about it but doesn't know how or to whom. So, maybe he wasn't being cruel or disrespectful; maybe he was just trying to reach out to a member of your dad's family -- even though, of course, he didn't do it in a very constructive or compassionate way.

But. That doesn't mean that you can't have compassion for him, or try to connect with him in a more meaningful way about his and your memories of your dad.

My condolences on your dad's passing; sending comfort.
Ronni_W is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 12:01 AM   #7
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Ascofield I am sorry for the loss of your father! I too lost my dad to cancer 10 years ago. He was a rock in my life! I adored him so much! I can imagine how upsetting it would be to have someone make derogatory remarks about my dad! I am sorry your uncle behaved so insensitive. It's obvious he has his own set of issues where he feels he must impress and look better than others. Your uncle sounds like he's toxic to you and the family. It's always good to keep distance from toxicity. I find if you do run across one another again keep it casual and if he says something inappropriate again can you call him on it? Or do you need to walk away again? You did a really good job with doing what was necessary to take care of yourself without reacting and falling into the trap of being pulled into negative behaviors. Good job!

Here's the hard part...forgiveness. Have you considered forgiving your uncle? Forgiveness isn't about approving or allowing his rude comments. Forgiving is releasing you from the pain and finding a way to let it go so you can be free from the heavy weight it continues to weigh on you. Forgiveness chooses to practice healthy boundaries and require earned trust but it also doesn't look to pay the other person back for the wrong they did. It releases them so you can be free from it. It doesn't necessarily forget; because, with some people you must protect yourself from the unhealthy things they are doing.

You sound like a really amazing person with a good head on your shoulder! I hope you can find peace in your heart as you hold onto the lovely memories you choose to remember your father with! I know it's hard not to let others effect us but when we find we are struggling with an interaction we have a choice...ruminate, let it eat at us, or choose we deserve a life full of peace, joy and positive interactions...let go of the toxic stuff. Praying you find all that good in your life, that you so very much deserve!
Peacebwu is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
One thing your marriage lacked nolov Infidelity 11 26th March 2006 5:36 PM
Advice requested: father is unfaithful to my momther lena252 Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 6 13th October 2004 1:20 PM
Father in need of advice. bgfrombg Parenting 5 5th September 2004 9:00 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:03 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.