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Cheating husband. Do we tell?


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Old 14th January 2018, 5:56 AM   #1
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Cheating husband. Do we tell?

A family member of mine (no, this isn't one of these things where it is really me, it is truly a story from our family) stumbled on a park where he noticed another one of our family members (my cousin's husband) with another woman. He was far enough away, but he took a picture. Anyway, this was not his wife (my cousin). She was sitting on a bench with him, rubbing his back and he was rubbing her leg. That alone is more than enough to know this isn't someone's sibling (and it wasn't). Nor does it appear this woman was a friend either and who does that to their married male friend anyways?


So basically, what happened is that he caught a glimpse of my relative from a distance. I don't think he knew he had seen him, but he definitely saw my relative. As quick as you can snap your fingers he and this woman got up and walked away and were gone.


Here is my thought, if this was just an innocent encounter and could be explained he would have gone up and said hello to my other relative. They aren't strangers, they have known each other for over 25 years. To me, that is enough reason to realize he knew very well what he was doing and knows it is not innocent.


Here is the kicker, his wife is sick. She has an incurable form of cancer that means doctors think she has a couple years to live. They've been married over 25 years, have children who are young adults now. In your situation, what do you do? My mother told me about this and I think we ought to say something. If not to my cousin, at least to her husband who was caught in the act and then give him the chance to tell her. Or...........in the case that my cousin may know about this affair and accepts it, then have HER tell us this is none of our business.


What would you do?
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Old 14th January 2018, 9:20 AM   #2
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Blood is thicker than water, I'd tell unless the sick relative is so close to death that she would pass away before they could get a divorce. In which case, I might let her go in peace.

I suppose it's possible that the cheating spouse wasn't doing anything more than what you saw. You really didn't catch them in the act. Some people rube somebody else's back in a public place as a show of support. This could have been the tail end of a conversation where the husband was pouring out his heart over his wife's illness. It's more likely that it was more but there is a possibility that what you saw was all there is.
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Old 14th January 2018, 9:35 AM   #3
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If one person is being comforted by the other, they aren't typically both rubbing on each other. Especially legs.

I'd go straight to the wife, honestly. Don't give the husband a chance to tell you it was nothing. I'm sure he's already making up an excuse anticipating that happening.
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Old 14th January 2018, 9:50 AM   #4
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Yes, she deserves to know...

Yes, she deserves to know...


Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was cheating???


Yes you would...
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Old 14th January 2018, 11:52 AM   #5
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My moto is, don't get involved in other peoples **** (unless you are getting paid for it). Especially if you aren't 100% familiar with all the facts -- for they can sometimes blow up in your face.

a) you dont know who that woman was in the park
b) you dont know what sort of relationship this guy and your cousin have? for all you know, he got permission for an open marriage and she did do and they never bothered to share their internals of their marriage with family because its no ones business other than their own.
c) just way too many variables and unknowns and you are passing your own set of judgement values on a situation you know nothing about. are you even close to these people and see them regularly and know them really well? the only way I would get involved in something like this was if it was a very very very close relative of friend who i know very very well and have no option that to tell them. meaning i know them very well and see them all the time and it would be very disasterous if i knew and said nothing. i would not get involved with a relative who i maybe see once or twice a year.
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Old 14th January 2018, 12:50 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Clockwork View Post
Here is the kicker, his wife is sick. She has an incurable form of cancer that means doctors think she has a couple years to live. They've been married over 25 years, have children who are young adults now. In your situation, what do you do? My mother told me about this and I think we ought to say something. If not to my cousin, at least to her husband who was caught in the act and then give him the chance to tell her. Or...........in the case that my cousin may know about this affair and accepts it, then have HER tell us this is none of our business. What would you do?
Tell her directly.

Do not tell the husband you are doing this or even considering it, because he will label all of you as crazy and go deeper down the rabbit hole.

This poor woman deserves to know who she is married to. And yes, even a terminally ill person is more than deserving of the truth.

In Sickness and In Health is a vow he took.

Tell the truth, hide nothing, and allow this poor woman some dignity to be able to determine the direction of her own life, at least what's left of it.

My parents were married for 46 years. My mother had terminal brain cancer and languished in hell for close to 2 years. My father and myself would have found actions like this inconceivable.

A stiff dick has no conscience.
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Old 14th January 2018, 2:49 PM   #7
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At this point, what good would it do? If the woman is truly dying, why make her last year miserable and full of hate towards her husband. Is it worth it? What good would it do her? Or her husband? Or you, for that matter.

Leave it be.
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Old 14th January 2018, 3:17 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clockwork View Post

Here is the kicker, his wife is sick. She has an incurable form of cancer that means doctors think she has a couple years to live. They've been married over 25 years, have children who are young adults now. In your situation, what do you do?


What would you do?
My thoughts on thisÖÖ.

How will your shedding light on her husbandís possible affair help her during her time of grief while dealing with incurable cancer?

Why burden her with this horrible news? She is already going through enough. This will not help her or make her feel empowered to take charge of her lifeÖ.her life is already ending.

My opinion, it is more compassionate to leave this alone. If he gets caught on his own or confesses, thatís one thing, but adding more burden to her life at this point will only serve to cause her more grief, and this is something that she should live the rest of her life without.
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Old 14th January 2018, 3:47 PM   #9
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If her kids are minors, then she needs to know so that she can set her portion of the estate up properly. Oh wait, sorry, said young adults in the OP message.. I am still on the side of her knowing, but it is partly because I would want to know.
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Old 14th January 2018, 4:24 PM   #10
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If without prior knowledge I'd tend to leave it alone or, if choosing to disclose, gather more intelligence and disclose it in verifiable form and without editorializing. If there are pictures and faces are recognizable, image matching software can chew on that and get names and public information to connect the dots and provide more avenues of research. This works basically the same as doxxing people, a common political tactic these days to covertly threaten people. Results vary

Again, I'd probably leave it alone but definitely would avoid speculation and conjecture.
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Old 14th January 2018, 7:46 PM   #11
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If the wife didn't have cancer I'd tell her, but I think it would be cruel to put all this heartache and stress on her when her days are numbered. I really think she's better off not knowing and is in too weak a state to deal with it. Let her die believing she was loved. Chronic illness takes a toll on people and they may do things they wouldn't otherwise do under the weight of it.

I actually have an old friend who is cheating on her chronically ill husband. I am ashamed of her for it, but he has been bedbound for years now and that's a lot for a spouse to live with, though most of my other friends would handle it with more grace, but she's got some mental issues that already make her impulsive and selfish, so...

I say let the poor woman die in peace.
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Old 14th January 2018, 9:13 PM   #12
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No. I wouldn't tell. Unless you saw them banging, I still wouldn't tell. It's not your place to say or judge, imo.

As someone who is both chronically ill and was raised in an environment with a chronically ill father, you have no idea what kind of stress this person's marriage is under and the tension in that household already. The last several years of my mom's marriage were like mother-son. No intimacy, constant fighting fires with insurance companies and medical crises, financial issues, no support either emotionally with friends or in the community, nor sexually. You just have no idea of their particular situation nor do you know what the wife is okay with her husband doing. Before my dad had strokes that impacted his cognition, he once suggested my mom bring in another man to take care of her needs since he was not able to have sex anymore. She didn't, but she was constantly angry/fit to be tied/one step away from faking her death, etc. and sometimes I think we all would have been better off if she had.

Leave this woman and the man alone. She may already know but be okay with it, she may already know but want to focus on her remaining years or possible recovery (and be humiliated you've found out), or she may not know and now you've devastated her and hastened her death. What good could possibly come from this?

Just my two cents.
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Old 15th January 2018, 7:11 AM   #13
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maybe they were sitting in the park discussing the startling news that according to ancestry.com, they are related? in some way?

so why not ask him, "hey, we saw you in the park the other day, was that woman....."

this is what i call a "two-fer". he knows you're on to him and no one has to upset his wife.

which is the last thing anyone should be doing.

good luck
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Old 16th January 2018, 1:36 AM   #14
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Or...........in the case that my cousin may know about this affair and accepts it, then have HER tell us this is none of our business.
In which case you may humiliate and push her away, not a great scenario given the circumstances.

Too many unknowns. Leave it alone...

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Old 16th January 2018, 6:07 AM   #15
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I am getting both sides of the coin here, and I appreciate it.


Yes, it is a tough position. Doctors give her 2-3 more years. Of course, they can be wrong and she lives 10. It is not one they can cure, but one they can prolong your life a bit. Who knows, they could be wrong.


That being said, there is maybe a 5% chance that things could be explained from what was seen. People don't rub each other's legs and then once they see a relative in the distance book it like there is no tomorrow. But I personally would want him to answer those questions first, just so I know.


Yes we are pretty close to this cousin, lots of history here. And, quite frankly, lots with her husband as well.
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