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My mother died yesterday


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 8th February 2018, 11:45 AM   #46
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No offense taken at all, Sole.
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:33 AM   #47
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My condolences, SoleMate. There is a very unique and deep pain when losing a parent.

I recently experienced my own mothers passing and it hit me in very deep and hard emotional waves. We had a relationship that was less than ideal throughout our lives. Toward the end we were friends and were at peace with each other. Even though we had issues that never were resolved, I loved her and grew to respect her as time went by.

After she passed I thought I was OK for the first two days. She died from breast cancer and it was not unexpected. She was 92. On the third the funeral home called me to discuss what to do with her ashes. That was when it really hit me. I went through a very difficult emotional crisis. I wasn’t expecting that but it was a big breakthrough for me. Ultimately, I realized that my mothers death was not about me, not about our relationship. I realize that I was the one that would honor her life. My first reaction was to ask them to send the ashes to my cousin because I really was not ready to except the visceral reality of receiving something like that. But then I put on my big girl pants. Nobody was going to pick up the pieces for me, I was going to be the one to give her the respect that she deserved. For me, ultimately that gave me the ability to accept what was.

She had a very difficult life and she was a survivor and did everything in her power to make things work out for herself and her situation. Her husband died leaving her with two young children to provide for. Her life was very difficult and most likely very terrifying for her most of the time. It wasn’t until after she died that I came to understand what a courageous woman she was and how much her life mattered. I decided that I would honor her by scattering her ashes in a very beautiful place where she deserved to be. A place of peace and calm. Something she probably never experienced in her adult life. I had to do it in my own time, and in fact I still have her ashes. I know where I will be scattering them but it has to be the right time.

Once I came to the realize that her life was worth honoring and that she raised me and my brother with all of the courage and ability that she had with in her I felt at peace. I just wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that I totally get how difficult this transition in life is. No matter what your relationship with your parents, they are a huge part of your life. When they are no longer there there is a big gaping hole and there is no denying that. You have to take the time necessary to deal with your feelings and resolve them. I wish you peace and all the best. Thank you for sharing your feelings here, it helped me to read them. All the best to you.
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Old 9th March 2018, 2:30 AM   #48
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Thank you too, NotASkunk, for your reflections as I found them helpful. Like you and so many others I've spoken to who are dealing with this loss, it is a complex relationship that evokes a range of feelings. As intensely as many of us love our mothers, still we may feel resentment or unresolved anger. To have been at peace with your mother when she died....I'm happy to hear that.
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Old 11th March 2018, 1:57 PM   #49
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I'm so very sorry.
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