LoveShack.org Community Forums

LoveShack.org Community Forums (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/)
-   Family (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/)
-   -   relatives that never cared (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/647723-relatives-never-cared)

solutions 2nd January 2018 4:19 AM

relatives that never cared
 
I am not sure if i am the only one that has this issue,

ever since i was in third grade, i had 4-5 of my relatives treat me like garbage.

We would have family house parties and these older relatives of mine by 3 years, would vanish off with each other to go hangout and go watch a movie or do something together.

They would never invite me, in fact they would ditch me. When i confront them about it the answer i received was your too young to hang out with us.
When my mom would buy me like a new video game console, all of a sudden they want to hang out with me all night.......basically i am a tool that they would use.

Now that i am in my 30s my older relatives has not changed one bit, they don't call ever, they don't invite me to anything not even their weddings,
when i came back to visit in california, they saw how successful i was and they only call to invite me because they can see getting something out of me.
when they don't see if they can get anything out of me they just ignore me and continue on with their lives.


basically i feel like i have a horrible family. I never understood what i did to deserve this type of treatment. Can anyone relate to people like this?

Arieswoman 2nd January 2018 4:30 AM

solutions,
Have you heard the old saying "you can pick your friends but not your family"?

OK, so they are your family and you can't change that, but you don't have to spend time with them if you don't want to.

You can't change their attitude, so stop trying.

Why are you still looking for validation from them? They have shown who they are so believe it.

Their behaviour says a lot about them and nothing about you. It wasn't/isn't fair but you can't alter that.

I can sympthize with you to a degree as I spent the first 30/35 years of my life trying to get my mother's approval. By that time I realised that I wasn't going to get it, so I got into some therapy and basically told her to get lost. I felt much better for it.

You can't make any individual into the type of person you want them to be, so stop hoping they'll change because they won't.

I would suggest you do some work on yourself and develop supportive friendships.

And remember that people only treat you as badly as you let them. Learn to walk away.
Good luck :)

rubyjuly 2nd January 2018 6:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by solutions (Post 7500330)
I am not sure if i am the only one that has this issue,

ever since i was in third grade, i had 4-5 of my relatives treat me like garbage.

We would have family house parties and these older relatives of mine by 3 years, would vanish off with each other to go hangout and go watch a movie or do something together.

They would never invite me, in fact they would ditch me. When i confront them about it the answer i received was your too young to hang out with us.
When my mom would buy me like a new video game console, all of a sudden they want to hang out with me all night.......basically i am a tool that they would use.

Now that i am in my 30s my older relatives has not changed one bit, they don't call ever, they don't invite me to anything not even their weddings,
when i came back to visit in california, they saw how successful i was and they only call to invite me because they can see getting something out of me.
when they don't see if they can get anything out of me they just ignore me and continue on with their lives.


basically i feel like i have a horrible family. I never understood what i did to deserve this type of treatment. Can anyone relate to people like this?

Yes definitely
My family had plenty of relatives esp on my father's side as he had 11 siblings, and my mother had two siblings- with all those aunts and uncles I never got so much as a birthday card from any of them or even on graduating high school when friends shared how they got cards and some even received gifts or money for graduation from relatives I didn't get one damm card. My mothers side of the family is weird, they are just conceited I guess is the word and at my moms sisters house, my aunt and uncle on holidays like Christmas there would be a few of our cousins there if me and my two siblings and the cousins would even though they were about same age as me and my sister act very aloof snobby and barely mutter hello. Basically a crappy group of people- they weren't all bad, my grandma was really loving welcoming the small amount of time we were able to visit her across country but at least I always was made to feel very loved and welcomed by her.
My dad's many siblings were believe it or not just very self absorbed and never really made any effort to demonstrate to me, their niece as well as my two siblings any sort of basic interest in us when we would visit them. One of my aunts her husband my uncle was pretty nice and showed at least some interest and caring. The rest for how many here were of them always even to this day amazes me that none of his 11 siblings all those aunts and uncles of mine ever once I can recall made a effort to be really loving and welcoming to us when we'd visit. They would say hi maybe ask how was your flight and then sit down and talk endlessly with my dad ignoring us except for an occasional question if we were hungry or wanted to go play in the yard.
I never understood why we were having to actually travel to spend time w these people who clearly didn't give a damm about us kids- they loved talking and doing things w my dad but never occurred to them to show a little interest in their nieces and nephew

Darien 76 3rd January 2018 1:55 AM

Yes I can relate. My parents and brother are very much in their own worlds. I only hear from my brother if he needs something. I've recently come to terms with the realities of my family and will focus on making my world the best it can be and not be upset by them.

basil67 3rd January 2018 2:34 AM

It all sounds pretty normal to me. I was friends with two of my cousins who were pretty much the same age as me. But leave it couple of years either side and there wasn't much in the way of friendship.

Certainly not birthday cards or HS graduation cards. Mind you, graduation cards and gifts aren't a thing where I live. And the family got too big to invite all the cousins to weddings. Except for the closest two cousins, we've all gone our different ways and only connect via FB or at funerals these days. Even with my two closest cousins, we've had large gaps over the years. It's all the same for my husband's family.

I've seen the same thing with my daughter and her cousins. There's just nothing in common at certain stages of life if you're three years or more apart. While they certainly don't dislike each other, they really aren't that close.

You mentioned about them not being able to get something from you now that you're successful. What did they want from you? When you saw them, were you kind and friendly...or holding onto old resentments?

solutions 3rd January 2018 3:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basil67 (Post 7501490)
It all sounds pretty normal to me. I was friends with two of my cousins who were pretty much the same age as me. But leave it couple of years either side and there wasn't much in the way of friendship.

Certainly not birthday cards or HS graduation cards. Mind you, graduation cards and gifts aren't a thing where I live. And the family got too big to invite all the cousins to weddings. Except for the closest two cousins, we've all gone our different ways and only connect via FB or at funerals these days. Even with my two closest cousins, we've had large gaps over the years. It's all the same for my husband's family.

I've seen the same thing with my daughter and her cousins. There's just nothing in common at certain stages of life if you're three years or more apart. While they certainly don't dislike each other, they really aren't that close.

You mentioned about them not being able to get something from you now that you're successful. What did they want from you? When you saw them, were you kind and friendly...or holding onto old resentments?

I was not really holding onto old resentments towards them. my older relatives saw me wearing a two piece suit clean and tailored when we went to eat for the first time in like 8 years. I literally met with them and I just sat their and did not say a single word. Just listened to them and just ordered food and kept my mouth shut the entire time.

Its good to hear that the type of behaviors that is occurring are common among many in society.

the reason why i seek for validation or a means to understand life. I just cant wrap my head around illogical behavior sometimes. I try to find a reason for ignorance. its just interesting how cold blooded some people can be. My mother took her own life when i was 19 years old and you would think that might change the way they treat me or even talk to me. It didn't change anything. They still were the same people I knew since i was a kid.

rubyjuly 3rd January 2018 3:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basil67 (Post 7501490)
It all sounds pretty normal to me. I was friends with two of my cousins who were pretty much the same age as me. But leave it couple of years either side and there wasn't much in the way of friendship.

Certainly not birthday cards or HS graduation cards. Mind you, graduation cards and gifts aren't a thing where I live. And the family got too big to invite all the cousins to weddings. Except for the closest two cousins, we've all gone our different ways and only connect via FB or at funerals these days. Even with my two closest cousins, we've had large gaps over the years. It's all the same for my husband's family.

I've seen the same thing with my daughter and her cousins. There's just nothing in common at certain stages of life if you're three years or more apart. While they certainly don't dislike each other, they really aren't that close.

You mentioned about them not being able to get something from you now that you're successful. What did they want from you? When you saw them, were you kind and friendly...or holding onto old resentments?


3 years is nothing -- the only time it would make a but of difference is when your little kids- there's no difference between for example a 34 and 37 yr old or a 48 and 51 yr old or even a 23 and 26 yr old . So I'm assuming you were just referring to when the OP was a kid like if she was 8 and they were 11 but other than that as adults not getting any kind of generation gap w a couple or few years...

rubyjuly 3rd January 2018 3:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by solutions (Post 7501511)
I was not really holding onto old resentments towards them. my older relatives saw me wearing a two piece suit clean and tailored when we went to eat for the first time in like 8 years. I literally met with them and I just sat their and did not say a single word. Just listened to them and just ordered food and kept my mouth shut the entire time.

Its good to hear that the type of behaviors that is occurring are common among many in society.

the reason why i seek for validation or a means to understand life. I just cant wrap my head around illogical behavior sometimes. I try to find a reason for ignorance. its just interesting how cold blooded some people can be. My mother took her own life when i was 19 years old and you would think that might change the way they treat me or even talk to me. It didn't change anything. They still were the same people I knew since i was a kid.

I just saw this--- I'm very sorry to hear your mother committed suicide when you were 19. That has to be the most devastating and isolating feeling, I can't imagine that and hope you are finding the help as you go along whatever that helps you

unit1 21st January 2018 3:36 AM

People r hard to change, most will never change.....
when I was younger I felt it was my faults that they didn't like me or accept me, I tried my best to gain their approval, too......
I now regret I wasted my best time on that....
they r still treating me the same, and as getting elder their heads r even harder to change.
so, the only thing I can do is to change myself....
change again, but this time, I need to do it for myself.

basil67 21st January 2018 3:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubyjuly (Post 7501944)
3 years is nothing -- the only time it would make a but of difference is when your little kids- there's no difference between for example a 34 and 37 yr old or a 48 and 51 yr old or even a 23 and 26 yr old . So I'm assuming you were just referring to when the OP was a kid like if she was 8 and they were 11 but other than that as adults not getting any kind of generation gap w a couple or few years...

Yes, the gaps are only big when you're children. But after the gaps close, the cousins go and do their own things and have their own families. Busy with life etc.

basil67 21st January 2018 4:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by solutions (Post 7501511)
I was not really holding onto old resentments towards them. my older relatives saw me wearing a two piece suit clean and tailored when we went to eat for the first time in like 8 years. I literally met with them and I just sat their and did not say a single word. Just listened to them and just ordered food and kept my mouth shut the entire time.

If you want to your cousins to engage with you, you have to be friendly. Now if you were trying to speak to them and were being ignored I would have sympathy, but as you *literally* just there not speaking to anybody, I can see why they didn't bother. You need to make an effort if you want to be included.

Not sure what your clothing choice has to do with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by solutions (Post 7501511)
Its good to hear that the type of behaviors that is occurring are common among many in society.

Good to hear because you realise that perhaps you've over reacting and can now work towards letting it go? Or are you doing sarcasm?

Quote:

Originally Posted by solutions (Post 7501511)
the reason why i seek for validation or a means to understand life. I just cant wrap my head around illogical behavior sometimes. I try to find a reason for ignorance. its just interesting how cold blooded some people can be. My mother took her own life when i was 19 years old and you would think that might change the way they treat me or even talk to me. It didn't change anything. They still were the same people I knew since i was a kid.

I'm so sorry about your mother. I can't imagine losing my mother, let alone so young.

However, their behaviour isn't illogical. They are not cold blooded. From talking to those who have lost their mothers, it seems that only those who have suffered that grief really understand. You're expecting too much for cousins who were probably a similar age, busy with their own lives to change their approach to you because your life changed. They wouldn't have understood what your needs were.

I think you can have certain expectations from siblings, but not cousins. They are too far removed.

Clockwork 21st January 2018 12:11 PM

Cousins can be like that. Growing up I was close to my cousins, but the big reason was because of our parents. My parents were still close to their siblings so, guess what, we saw our cousins all of the time! The first friends you will ever have in your life are your cousins and as far as I am concerned it is up to the parents to ensure their kids see each other when they are young. Because of this I still have very good relationships with my adult cousins. There is always ones that will be more into themselves and selfish and such, but you are always going to get that.


Basically what I am saying is that somewhere along the way their parents probably should have realized their kids weren't playing "nice" with you and including you in things. Those kids had to learn that somewhere along the way.

Happy Lemming 21st January 2018 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by solutions (Post 7500330)
basically i feel like i have a horrible family. I never understood what i did to deserve this type of treatment. Can anyone relate to people like this?

Yes... (join the club)

I haven't talked to my sister in 20 years and not talked to my mother in over 10 years.

I live on the other side of the country, so there is no chance I'll accidentally bump into them at a grocery store or mall.

I still talk to my Dad. I set up a P.O. Box, so if they ask him how to get a hold of me, he can give them my P.O. Box.

I have no desire to be (further) verbally abused by my mother or sister and have cut all ties. It has not affected my life in the slightest (not to hear from them) and I am happier for the process. There is a small yearly cost for the P.O. Box rental, but that is nominal.

You didn't do anything to "deserve this treatment", sometimes people are just mean. A wise woman once told me "True evil does exist in the world, try to a avoid it" I always thought this was good advice. YMMV

healing light 23rd January 2018 1:57 AM

If they neglect you and leave you alone, consider yourself lucky.

My mom has a terrible family (originally 13 members). Incest, alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse, yet somehow all super religious, and they all tear at each other like a pack of rabid wolves. One of my "nicer" aunts who I have had on and off in my life (as I don't know most of them) deliberately gave gifts to my sisters on their birthdays and would skip mine every year growing up because "talking to me made her feel dumb" (I had a highly developed vocabulary as a child). She commented on how I was a slut because my cousin saw me kissing my boyfriend in high school. On my father's side, his half sister worked for the mob at one point (she only cares about how much money you make/how fat you are); his brother conspired with their father's second wife to steal all of the inheritance through fraud and stuck my grandpa in an abusive nursing home. I don't know any of my cousins on that side. When my father passed, we didn't even invite them to the funeral. That's all the tip of the iceberg.

The best thing my mom ever did for herself was cut most of them out of her life--they're vicious. Enemies treat each other with more respect. Some people are just like that and you'll waste your life trying to gain their affection, approval, validation, etc. All her sisters who are still trying to gain the approval of other members of the family are perpetually miserable.

Now, just a word to the wise, if you want a relationship with them, I suggest speaking the next time you sit with them at dinner. Ha!


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:30 PM.

Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.