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Mother not speaking to me

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Old 1st December 2017, 6:08 AM   #1
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Mother not speaking to me

My mother has an absolutely unbearable friend. If you say you did something, she immediately says she (or one of her family) did something better. If you go out with her, you always have to go where she wants to go, eat where she wants to eat, etc. Plus she is sometimes mean to my mother, who ignores it because she's known her for a long time. I will happily go out with my mother and her other friends but I told her I'll never go out with this woman again.

We arranged a day out for my birthday, and my mother mentioned it to this woman, who invited herself along. I was extremely annoyed and upset when my mother told me, not only because she knows that I can't stand this woman, but also because we were supposed to be spending quality time together for my birthday. My mother said her friend wanted to come because we'd planned to drive to a big shopping mall 2hrs away and there was a shop there that her friend wanted to buy shoes from.

I don't see why it's my problem whether this woman gets her shoes or not? She has family who could drive her or she could get them delivered. I don't see why my mother couldn't have said no, on this occasion she's planned to spend time with her daughter - or she could even have offered to pick up the woman's shoes for her. It sounds selfish but it was my birthday and I don't see why this awful woman should be allowed to intrude on my day with my mother and ruin it by moaning and refusing to do what I had planned or eat where I had chosen, etc.

I got really annoyed and told my mother she should have asked me and there's no way I'm spending my birthday with this woman. She knows fine well that I want nothing to do with this person. She had already told the woman she could come, so I said I'd just drive them to the mall and go home. My mother said no, she'd make an excuse to this woman about why she could no longer come. I said suit yourself but I'm not going any more (because I was really angry).

Since then my mother has ignored me. No birthday card or present. No phone calls. She hasn't dropped in as she usually does. I called her to ask if she needed any groceries or any help with shovelling her drive etc, but she said no and was really short with me. I have no idea what to do now - she's been ignoring me for two weeks, despite the fact that SHE'S the one who ruined MY birthday.
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Old 1st December 2017, 8:01 AM   #2
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Your mother did offer to tell her friend a lie to prevent her from going but you were too pissed to accept her offer. What else could your mother do at that point to make it better? I don't see anything. I guess you will just have to wait until your mom wants to be bothered with you again.
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Old 1st December 2017, 1:47 PM   #3
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I would've been upset, too, but when your mother presented you with a potential solution, your reaction was to throw it back in her face so you could remain indignant that your mother invited this woman in the first place.

I understand feeling upset, yet I know it's also important to have a better grip on your emotions, assuming you're an adult.
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Old 1st December 2017, 3:09 PM   #4
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I was really taken aback and upset that my mother had prioritised this awful woman above spending my birthday with me. I didn't see how she could get out of it because I don't find it acceptable to invite someone then tell them a pack of lies about why they can no longer come. She had told her friend she was going out with her therefore decency required that she had to go out with her, even if it meant I had to stay home alone.
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Old 1st December 2017, 3:13 PM   #5
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How old are you Jelly Tot?
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Old 3rd December 2017, 1:13 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by JellyTot View Post
despite the fact that SHE'S the one who ruined MY birthday.
You kind of ruined your own birthday. Your mom made a mistake by allowing this friend to rudely invite herself, but she tried to fix it. If you could have gotten over your anger about it, you and your mom still could have had a nice time together.

I didn't see how she could get out of it because I don't find it acceptable to invite someone then tell them a pack of lies about why they can no longer come.
That's your mom's business. You let her decide if it's acceptable to do that to her own friend. Besides, she didn't even have to tell a pack of lies. That would have been even more complicated than telling the truth - "Actually, friend, I'm sorry, but after giving it some thought, it's just going to be me and JellyTot that day since it's her birthday and we want to spend time together." Pretty simple way to solve it.

I think you were in the wrong and should apologize to your mom and ask if you can still go to the mall again some other day.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 9:16 AM   #7
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I agree that it was super insensitive of your mom to allow this woman to invite herself to your birthday trip, especially considering that your mom knows how much you dislike the woman. But I also agree with the other posters that you kind of ruined your own birthday by not allowing your mom to correct her mistake but choosing instead to harbour your anger and staying home to pout.

At this point your mom probably doesn't know what you want. She tried to fix it but you were still angry at her so she is likely waiting for you to open the lines of communication.

Actually having read your post again I see that you have spoken to your mom since the incident and she is being rude and short with you so now I'm back on your side, lol. Your mom is the one harbouring anger and unforgiveness. I think you should both apologize to each other and get over it.

Last edited by anika99; 3rd December 2017 at 9:21 AM..
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Old 16th December 2017, 8:51 PM   #8
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I can completely understand why you were angry that your mother wanted this friend along. It was your special time with your mother and it was not very understanding of her to do this. It sounds like your mum is under the influence of this woman somewhat. This is a difficult situation. Maybe your mum is lonely and needs her or maybe she is a bit afraid of her - who knows?

Your mum did realise eventually but by then you were angry and responded as such. I think it would be wise to contact her and apologise for not accepting her suggestion that she put her friend off. That would be a start to building a bridge with her again. After that, it is up to your mum.
"You ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright" ('Thunder Road', Bruce Springsteen)
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